You know, I realize now that this is probably one of the harder semesters on me of my whole life.
I've been through a lot of crap, drama. I was raped. I was constantly under the duress of inner conflict and confusion, hatred directed at myself. I nearly flung myself onto the tracks of a subway in Boston, feeling broken and used.
But then, I was still doing well in school. Even then, I enjoyed working: study was no issue. Even then, I had the ability to write, express myself, I had the time, and if I needed it, I would stay up late, talk with friends far away. Or close. But that was rare, that they were close.
And at last, here, I have friends a room away, a couple rooms away, no more than a ten minute walk away. Ben and Darin, of course, are still too far away for my tastes: others who I once would consider calling and chatting with late at night are now no longer that close, which is kind of sad. But yet I have no time, none of us do, to really sit down and talk to eachother about things that matter. The undercurrent of all Reed interaction is work: as the year draws to a close, this the year that I would have finished my undergraduate career in, this becomes more and more apparent. English skills drop off, the difference between the times of rest and work blur to... to..
God damn it. I can't even remember. Incoherency is what I want to say. See, though, that's it: I can't write like I used to. This semester, I blew all my circuits, especially the linguistic and academic ones that I had spent all of fall term carefully rebuilding, on my qual: and after that I fell into these frakking classes, these numbing classes with Kambiz and his agendas, and I have learned nothing this semester. NOTHING. My Chinese skill fades: last night, trying to tell Martin that I wanted to tell him about a thing we saw at Spartacus when we visited that I thought was funny but didn't want to relate in the common room with everyone hearing, besides not knowing the word for sex shop (I called it a ye dian, 夜店, which I guess means night club more than night store) but I couldn't hardly remember anything except the verb to tell, so it became this horrible macaronic which I'm sure only made everyone feel awkward. But that's been going down because work for te KGB courses are so much more important... Well.. maybe not. I just trusted in my linguistic ability and put that down for the sake of the massive amounts of work I had to do for those courses. I hate that I only just a bit ago learned that the only grade we are getting for Junior Seminar is for the paper, not participation: I would have scrapped all that stupid reading, the hundreds and hundreds of pages of worthless crap that I just didn't give a damn about. Everyone in that class seems to speak a different language than I do, I just don't get anything and I feel worthless.
And as the term comes to an end, I just don't want to see what's coming. What if I fail out of it? What if I fail my qual as well? If I had to be a junior... again.. if I had to put off my graduation for a whole other year... I couldn't bear it. I have very little enjoyable right now: I understand there's a final exam for my Islam class, and if that is anything like the midterm (which, for the record, was harder than my qual, and that was given three days before it was due: this is given fifteen days before it is due) I don't think I could do it. I want to do my research paper: but I've hardly had time to read the books I checked out for it. The project I'm planning for Yi Jing is looking pretty sweet, but I also have a video project due for my Chinese class so I don't know if I can spend the time I would like to on it...
I'm so afraid. So afraid. I've never felt this afraid of the future. I always wanted to fast forward. But now, I'm at a spot where it's safe, things are just alright: so I think about dying a lot. So much. I just feel numb. I can't express myself. I can't change anything. I feel worthless. I have no hope.
This is stupid. it's just stupid. i wish I could escape this academic hell, this place that prioritizes work over learning. I have a thesis to write, I couldn't give up now: dropping out of college would be ridiculous. Switching colleges would... I want to say eviscerate, but that's a little too graphic... um... severely bruise (not right either, whatever) my honour. And I want to stay with Martin too. "Macaronic love". I miss all the old times the two of us shared... Such precious moments. But now there is so much work. Taiwan, we were really good! Here we had issues: we nearly broke up. We worked that out, and I love him more than ever (and he knows that now too, sweet thing), but it won't ever be the flush of early love again.
Augh. I can't write about this anymore. It's too stupid, too awful.