Umm.. the lights just blinked.
So, if I'm not online later- well, I'm not online later. Thank you God for the rain and the thunderstorms.
Just a last note, though: the credo went well. I'll post it here and then go to sleep.


Here.

Here I am.

I am open, here.

Open, am I: Trusting, here.

どうぞよろしくお願い。


To be honest, I never say a lot
About myself- mostly I am listening.
To be honest, I want to- I want to stop hiding,
because hiding is lying,
to not say all that which I am is lying, to not say what I feel
what I believe.
To be honest, I can't really say what that is,
Straight out- I can only ever describe things
through my stories.
Who I am, and what I believe, is so intricately tied with what I have experienced- from things I have read
and loved, to things I have had happen in my life, to conversations with those close to me.
I can't explain except through the experience- I am an aggregate of my past, centered here, looking towards the future but ever present.
So, I won't say everything. I couldn't, you know? But I'm just trying to get
a semblance
of what I believe.
A poem, succint and straightforward
Me, essence on paper.
But words are so hard, y'know?
My head, it's so incohesive, with all of its colours and textures and shapes..
But here I am, open before you. There is no hiding here, no holding back- so I must be understood.

So... What?
How can I express all that
which shapes
my life, my self?
Probably some quotes. Some memories.
The problem with that though is that the stories weave in so much to my life that they become like the weft of the fabric of my being, so it's hard to tell people these things because they just... are. Like this one I never tell people unless they tell me it first- but it's always playing in my mind. It's not a real story. I would like to say yet, but it's so unrealistic, so ludicrous.. But it's important to me, it has been since I don't even remember. It colours a lot of the decisions I make and opinions I take, so it may clarify some things I have said throughout the year in class. It's basically about war: a kind of mystical war, a war to end all wars, anachronistic. No guns, cannons, bombs: men, angels, demons, and us fallen, hand to hand, blade to blade... It's kinda hard to talk about it though, because it's like a right war, a just war, a war to regain peace and understanding rather than crush an enemy- a form of war, the one that people idealize, rather than what happens. Remember forms? That seems so long ago. And who can say what that form is?

But I really digress. In any case, there are also the stories that really happened. I know I keep talking about Boston this summer, but it changed everything. I always say I died, there. Living on my own.. I learned a lot that way, about myself, taking care of me, who I really am beyond others. That was always hard because it always used to be my ultimate duty was to others. Always their wishes and needs were most important. I would die for them... nearly did too.
To be honest,
I was raped for the sake
of that
belief...
What's worse is I tried to forgive him.

When he said he didn't mean to, as I took him back to the busstop, I stared blankly at the subway tracks, imagined my wings, dove grey and crushed, dragging behind me.
I had to work very hard at staying on the
platform, not throwing myself...
Fortunately that's the last time I ever considered Death as an option, or even considered a way out.
The evening after I turned to two friends in my pain. I told them what happened, and you know what?
They got angry at me.
And why? Because I didn't defend myself.
I didn't think of them, they said, how much they loved me, how much it hurt them when I was hurt...
And it clicked, then.
Four lessons that I had been trying to learn for ages fell into place..
First, that I am loved, and cared for.
Second, that because I am loved, I must be important, so I should take care of myself- as well as love myself, because I know now that I deserve it:
Third, that I must eternally be grateful for such a sacred grace, and for all graces I receive
And fourth, that everything that happens, good or bad, is truly for the best- because even such a thing as rape could teach me these lessons which are so important in my life, that made me the woman I am today, who I am really content with. The world takes care of me, whether I can perceive it or not: and everything that happens happens towards a greater good later, even if I can't perceive it at the time.

Another story that's really important, and also quite a bit more cheerful, involves a button from a dress I had when I was very small. I kept it around for ages- it was a lovely purple, and when you looked into it, it looked like it went on forever. When I was a kid I called it the closest thing to infinite, but as I grew.. Y'see, I'd always been disillusioned about God. There are dozens of stories about sunday school, where I was the cheekiest kid ever, especially when the Bishop came to preach to us. I guess it all started when I was baptized by the bishop of Vermont, and I puked on his brand new patent leather shoes. Anyhoo, I left the church as soon as I could actively make the decision to, at seven, and I thought that science made more sense than any of this god stuff, so I began to worship the only mystery to me in science- the idea of the infinite, something I couldn't imagine or perceive, the world beyond the universe as we know it. So the button was like my icon- how I perceived my "god" back then, the infinite violet vast. Over time I realized how important having a religion was to me though: having a faith keeps me stable, I think. So, I dabbled in everything from wicca to hinduism. Middle school mostly I sat around agnosticism, but I began to discover little things about the deeper nature of man, myself, the world around me. I learned how to hypnotize people in eighth grade, and I discovered that what relaxed people the most, made them the most open, was the concept that they were connected to all things, from rocks to animals, to all mankind. And I remembered the button, then- and it clicked. The Infinite became Ocean: a vast violet sea of all things, all beings, from gods to men to rocks and clouds. Everything, in my perception, has a soul: everything exists at all times, which is but one moment: and yet nothing exists, because nothing is truly separate from the one great consciousness. You can imagine when I happened upon the Tao last semester how much I recognized various concepts, because of the fluid aspect of my beliefs. I like to call being one with the Tao, or with Ocean as I more generally call it, flowing instead of wei wu wei: letting things come, and pass, and moving all the while. There was an article in a scientific magazine I read a while back, concerning that fish don't actively beat the water, but move around the currents: I like to think that's how I live. Flowing, accepting, open, moving forward. wei wu wei. It's kinda amusing to me to read the Tao, and recognize that I came to all those conclusions beforehand- but it reminds me that there is a greater understanding, an endless peace and knowledge that I am just a part of, another who came to recognize it and submit to the one God- no god so much as the one me, the one you, the table, this air.

There are a lot of other things I could talk about, though, little sayings. So it goes, for one- never take more than seven breaths to make a decision, for another. Also to always keep my death in mind- not as morbid as you think, deals with existing here rather than living in memory or hope. The bhagvat, about the fruits of my actions: How always if I focus only on the now, everything works out for the best. The indonesian thing where they can't say no, only not yet. How every path I take is the right path, simply because it's the path I took: I could do nothing else. That God is Love. How fate exists but is shaped by our decisions, and how I have no regret but one. How I must always be self-reliant, but also never to forget the support I can get from those around me: that I can, yes, ask for help- it's not as weak as I used to think it was. To always be open to change, even in myself: To make no apologies.
But most of all I wish I could express the gratefulness and love I feel for all my friends, both past and present, familial, quote unquote familial and otherwise- but I couldn't ever say that, not with all the words in the world. Like Ben said the other day, poetry is an experience- Or even that one translator of Rumi, Coleman Banks, who talked about how poetry is like a salt breeze, a taste of Ocean... I could never say.
But you know
sometimes, the most
poignant
statements, are those
requiring no explanation.

like this--
I love.
And that's all I believe, really.


There was about two places I adlibbed- but a sentence at most, or rather a phrase, so it's not important. Just means you shoulda been there =P

Anyhoo. Off to rest. G'night!

~K