Laughter in the Snow - April 30th, 2004

You know. Being female sucks. As it turns out, it's not a week before- my period is a week early.
I'm sure you ALL wanted to know that. Yes.

So. My list of grievances for today- I am adding little things, because they add to it.

Hormonal killing tendencies due to moon
bleeding
styrofoam. All over. Not so much as yesterday. But augh is it a bitch to get out of clothes!
Same with foam adhesive. In my nice slacks. Biotch.
Nemo decides to eat everything. and bark a lot. and look like a strange poodle.
hormonal killing tendencies due to lack of protein
Japanese homework- massive.
Having lost the japanese vocabulary sheet. Fuck.
Translating some dense paragraphs in an article.
Looking up biographies of Santyana and Vonnegut, which I still haven't done. That can be in the morning.
No clean clothes. And no time to do laundry.
Little sleep.
trying to sleep on our new couch fails, because it's so hot. so my body feels sick and swollen.
Friendship problems. As in feeling betrayed.
And left behind.
I can't stop dreaming about someone.
Dealing with trust.
Dealing with the idea that perhaps I can never love again.
Worrying about certain friends.
Feeling anger at someone who won't let me go.
Trying to figure out how to deal with what caused me to have PTSD. the most recent incidence, not all the shit from when I was a kid. (tied into trust/love)
Trying to comprehend.
Being inable to meditate.
Being inable to do my duties of helping others because I'm so screwed up myself.
Wishing I could die.
Or dissapear from everyone's life.
Worrying about college.
Worrying about grades.
Remembering to eat. And drink water.
Having an unclean room, and a house under construction. No simple, calm clean place where I can relax, and I can't even clean my room, because I don't have the time.
I keep needing to sleep when I get home.
Being in love with someone I can never tell.
Really liking someone who is dating someone secretly, and would never like me back.
(I already listed dreaming about someone, so can't do that again- new line is) My sister listens to Hanson.
I just don't ever want to do ANYTHING anymore.
My body falls into dissarray as time goes on and I constantly work on homework, or little things in tech.
I should be training.
No time to think, to clarify.
Hormonal fog.
I have nowhere to be safe.
I ran out of marzipan chocolate.
I have three books I want to read, and none of the time in which to do them in.
I keep wanting to write, and I often do, as you can see by this entry and others preceding, but I really shouldn't, because I don't have all the hours in a day.
My tutorial. Is due. Tomorrow.
I have no understanding of economics.
I still need to get an independent p.e. paper. Or I shall never graduate.
I wish I could've run for ASB vice president but I fouond ot too late you don't have to be an NHS member.
I hate how I act in class sometimes.
Murphy frustrates me.
I have wayy too much work to finish in ceramics. fucking birdbath will never be finished. Damn this wasl two-weeky thing.
I need to talk to Polinsky about my paper.
I miss my orcas friends.
I miss Darin.
I miss being happy, peaceful.
I also will miss my mistress.
And I don't think I'll be able to deflower Virgin before she leaves for Alabama. I'll miss her too.
I miss my Avondale.
I miss being able to talk to Tian like I used to.
I wish I could get my story back from Layton.
I wish I could be unbored in japanese again.
I really want Layton to like me. I don't think he does very much.
What am I going to do when I leave here?
Oh fuck. Forgot to give Ian (tech ian) our lamp. Saturday, ne?
My name has been stolen, and I don't know why. (My names are important to me. I want one, single one. it'd be nice.)
I'm hungry.
I want this week to end, before I even have to deal with the rest of today. It's already one am, you know. I have 23 more hours. and only 9:50 (approx) till I have to turn in this paper. Finished.


I think this will be a night without sleep.

I hope all those who I think of as my friends are all allright. It seems it's been a long, bad time for everyone.. some of them won't talk about it at all, some of them I have no advice for.

but I have no advice for myself.

damn it all.

politics of snow.

http://pos.blanketrecords.net/

and science of shape, too.

http://sos.blanketrecords.net/

http://cps.blanketrecords.net/ has one good song- resplendent, wings beneath the sills. but all of politics, and science, you should download. Because they're beautiful.

Good for trying to save my mind from the evil ness of tutorial.