Here's the deal my friendlies. I purchased a Guild Charter a little while ago. No, I have no one to game with, but I purchased it anyway because Ordo Illuminatus sounds really frickin' kewl!|
Anyways...Those of you who play, let me know. I'm on the Whisperwind realm and can be found by the names Ravenspawn, Ravenloft, and Raegn.
I am in desperate need of some friendlies to play with. I'm at a point where I'm level 30 and some of the stuff I can't do alone unless I come back after I gain another 5 or more levels.
Anyways...You guys let me know something. K? K.
I...am speechless right now. The ordeal to get my Valentine's gift was a little more than we bargained for, and I am not going to elaborate. I will, however, say that...I now have World of Warcraft!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am installing it right now. W00t!!|
Jody was supposed to take me to dinner on Valentine's Day but we were both sick so we decided to postpone the dinner. It kept getting put off and put off. Earlier tonight I told him - because he told me not to hint but just tell him - that I wanted World of Warcraft and that he could exchange dinner with purchasing the game for me. He said he would get it for me after teasing me about not getting it, but that it would be in a few days. He called back shortly afterwards asking if I wanted to go with him to Best Buy...We were going to get the game. It turned into a bit of an ordeal as Best Buy was out of the game...But we weren't coming home without it.
So...I am installing it now. Yay!
In case I haven't said it before...I love the hell out of that man! We finally got the game, went to Wendy's for food, went to Krispy Kreme for donuts, he took me by the bank to make a deposit, bought a soda for me and for my daughter, and brought me home so that I could install.
Anyways...Back to installing.
Things have been hectic lately. I had a system issue and lost everything! I'm talking 23 gigs worth of mp3s are GONE! Anyways, I got up and running again and then we upgraded the computer. This upgrade consisted of a new motherboard, processor, RAM, and video card. There were some issues as a result of old drivers lingering so I had to format and reinstall AGAIN!! I'm in the middle of doing that now, but I just wanted to let anyone who looks at my journal know that I am still alive and will be back up and running again soon.|
Nov. 25th, 2004 @ 05:40 pm
It was me!!
I was the turkey all along!!
Nov. 13th, 2004 @ 04:33 am
musical composition: Stabbing Westward - Lies
|» Letters are written...Never meaning to send...|
I came across two letters I had written to Jody and saved to my computer. You know, the letters you write more in an attempt to understand yourself than to actually send to the person they are written to. I may have posted one or both of them here on my journal, but I am posting them again. Do you think I should send them to him?|
( Letter 1 - Written July 5, 2004Collapse )
( Letter 2 - Written August 31, 2004Collapse )
I am debating on sending them to him. I probably shouldn't. What do you think?
|» Thinking out loud|
Why can't it be like ( this?Collapse )|
...Instead, though, it is like ( this...Collapse )
I was good. No really I was.Today - yesterday - turned out to be a rather pleasant day considering. That is until a few moments ago. I suppose an invisible piece of dust landed on my back. I don't know. I'm crumbling is all I know.|
Once upon a time I believed that there was good in everyone. I was wrong. I realized that a while back when Cam tried to take from me something I said he could not have. Me.
I believed in fairy tales. I was wrong. They are a crock of shit.
I could die tonight. I mean that. I broke. I am trying to keep a sane hold on myself with the help of a dear friend, but I don't know if it will last. And I don't care.
I was lying there, ya know? And tears came from nowhere. I thought I might hyperventilate. I was breathing quickly, rapidly. I get control and it comes back though. I can only keep it at bay for a few moments before it comes rushing over me again, possessing me.
A long time ago I was told that I would be nothing. I now, at this moment, believe that I am nothing. I am numb.
Four walls staring me down, crushing in on me. Four walls...and I want my mother who is in another room surrounded by four walls. There are so many walls that we build, why can I not have mine inside to protect me? And why do people seek to tear them down or get past them?
If I die...at some point. Will someone tell Jody that I truly loved him? That I wanted a future with him? Not that he would really care, but...I just want him to know. I want him to know...I want him to know that I love him, that I would give anything for him. Even though I am hurt and mad at him...I would still give him anything he asked for if I had it to give. I love him. Even now I love him.
I guess...that wants and desires are really senseless. They never come to fruition with me. I work for them. I gave Jody more than any other. I gave him trust. I believed with all that was me that he would not hurt me.
I've made many mistakes. I do not deny that I have made mistakes. Most of them I have taken note of and tried to learn from them.
There is all this stress of people wanting me to do and be things that I cannot. I cannot run. I cannot stand for hours. There are limitations on me so FUCKING LEARN TO LIVE WITH IT LIKE I HAVE, FUCKERS!!!!!!!!!! Quit pushing me to do things I CANNOT do.
Anger...it replaces the tears sometimes. It is how I stop whining and crying about things. I hold onto the anger so that there is a fire under my ass...always. It drives me, the anger. The anger drives me to do and achieve, to show that motherfucker who took my life from me that he didn't fucking win! He may have taken a LOT from me, but he didn't stop me. Not even his bullet could stop me.
I could have done it tonight, taken the breath from my own lungs. The same breath I fought so hard to hold onto 12 years ago.
Its early. Its early this year. This doesn't usually happen until the last week of October and through the first weeks of November. Subconsciously I remember the anniversary of my getting shot. Either it is happening earlier this year or...or I will be having one hell of a time when it does hit.
I must try to sleep. But don't leave me alone in darkness with nothing but my thoughts...It is bad. I am out of xanax.
|» Something for the morning....|
You HAVE to view this!! Okay? Okay.|
Here ya go!
|» I might take a mini-vacation...|
If things do not shift soon, I will admit myself to the hospital. No...Not becuse of Jody, but he is a part of it. Before he physically stepped into my life I had begun a downward spiral. It began he night that my "friend" tried to take advantage of my intoxication and it just progressed from there. As a result of said situation my work performance was somewhat lax, I'm sure. I know that my immediate supervisor understood, but his didn't care (as many who work or used to work there have come to find out). My boss was there for me. He talked to me and gave advice, and told me to go talk to "the girls" for some support. I did. I think. I don't recall. I had begun withdrawing into the "self" again, as many people who have experienced rape or attempted rape do. I lost my job, and I couldn't find alternate employment elsewhere, and as a result I lost my apartment. I had to come "home" to my mom. I had nowhere else to go. The Sigg - whom I felt was like an angel - stepped back into my life. He was the one I would willingly accept again, but at the point when he gained this knowledge he bolted. Then Jody popped up again like he does so very often. I went with him for a date and found I was quite fond of him. We exchanged statements of love at some point later, and now he has abandonned that, and in doing so has abandonned me. Now I sit here with the news of a medical issue, the company whom I leased from filing suit against me in civil court, and I have no one. No one here for me. |
I talk to so many online and through my journal to distract myself from the crumbling inside, and sometimes people like digital_sights manage to ignite a fire within me, or at least under my ass.
But I sit here now...Alone...Lonely...Needing someone...And...staring so very hard at the bottle of Xanax. But there are only a few left in there and they wouldn't do the job. I sent a message earlier - an offline message on Yahoo - to Jody saying that I would like to be able to watch a movie with him, and later found myself envisioning cutting my wrist in his kitchen. I am not well right now. I know this. I'm trying to struggle though like so many other bipolar down episodes, but I am finding that this one seems to keep getting worse and worse. Each day, each moment, something new is added. I toss it all away on Thursday and it was a wonderful day...And then it crushed back down on me. I managed for a while to throw it away, but for some reason at night...it hits the hardest. When I sit here with my window open, hearing the breeze rustle the dried leaves, and wishing I was sitting out there amongst it with someone so very special and close. But I am alone. I am alone even though I am in a house full of people.
I won't take the Xanax. Well, no more than the two already swallowed. And I won't be slicing my arm open any time soon. I'm just saying that if things continue...I may take a mini-vacation at the hospital becuase I feel the tiny threads that are holding me together beginning to strain and break one by one. I will go before the last of them gives way. I promise.
Until I awaken on the morrow, know that all those who are close, I love you...And...If by some stroke of luck Jody reads this, I love you dearly..."My angel, my all...my very self"
Now I am going to stretch out with my Anne Rice novel and read until sleep overtakes me.