it's the last day of the first half of the semester.

3 months ago, i'd finished the first semester. i remember thinking that med school here wasn't all that bad. it definitely wasn't the nightmare i'd expected. i'd coped well, even had time to slack, and i'd soon find out that i'd scored high distinctions for every unit. who would've expected that?

these few weeks have been crazy, and i guess it's finally how i'd expected med school to be. just that last semester kind of messed up that mindset a bit. but anyway, assignment after assignment, prelab after prelab, lab report after lab report, quiz after quiz... everything just came at once and i found myself sacrificing a lot of things for my studies. it's only first year, and it's only going to get worse, but i already found myself feeling so drained, week after week, without a single day of break.

this week was the week of the semester. my literature review was due on monday, so i didn't get very much sleep the few days before that. and when i was done with that, i had four days left to study for my test (which was this morning). on top of that, there was bible study at OCF today, which meant an extra meeting mid-week, and my own preparation time for it. joy.

today, though, two things that i was reminded of totally changed the way i looked at the week that had passed: thankfulness, and God's love.

( be thankful )

( drawing near )

i thought today was the perfect end to the semester. a time of reflection, and of reminders. yet another rearrangement of priorities is in order, but i'm excited to see the ways He's going to work in my life. (:

God is with us
He will go before
He will never leave us
He will never leave us

almost four months have gone by since i left singapore, and i really can't wait for these last few days to go by before i can get back. things that i once took for granted, i now realize isn't all that common, and reminds me of why that's where i'd want to go back to after my 6 or 7 years here.

since all that hype about the general elections, i've been hearing more and more complaints about the government. the imperfections of it all are magnified and any good at all is played down. even attempts to change for the better are scoffed at and to many, anything that opposes the PAP is a good thing.

from the point of view of someone who has just stepped out from the comforts of home, it amazes me that some people can be just so unreasonable and expect to live in a perfect world. i even hear those coming from rich backgrounds opposing the government because it isn't doing enough to help the poor, and yet they can spend their money on $20k watches. is life really all about legislation and laws? shouldn't it come from the people themselves? or would they rather be forced to do it?

well anyway, i wrote this post so that i could document some of the things which i'm grateful for, not to spark an argument, so i'll get on to that.

one thing that i really appreciate in singapore is the public transport system. i read about people grumbling about how the trains and buses don't come regularly enough, and comparing them to that of other countries elsewhere. try living someplace where most buses only come once an hour and you are lucky to get a bus that comes every 15 mins, where all train lines originate (or terminate) from the city centre such that if you wanted to go from north west to south west, you'd have to take a train all the way to the city centre and then change train to go down. or perhaps be grateful that the ezlink machines actually register your card every time that you tap it. also, it's extremely sad that some services don't even operate on weekends, and those that do come every 30 mins, and the last bus reaches my stop at 7.30pm on weekends.

i guess in general, efficiency is something that i miss the most. here, everything requires at least three working days to process, an ATM card can take four weeks to arrive, a refund from the university can be delayed for 5 weeks and end up taking 2.5 months in total (grr, my bank interest)... a simple roadwork project can take a few months even in the busy city, and pathways can be left with bits of gravel for months until they finally decide to fill it with cement. the thing is, there's nothing that can be done to quicken the process. you can call and complain, and they'll just tell you they'll check it out, and to give them a few more days. that's just how it is.

the work life here is great, there's a lot of welfare for the workers going on, people literally only work from 9 to 5, with breaks and everything. but in the hospitals, you hear of nurses not giving patients their medicines on time just because it's their tea break. isn't health care about caring for the sick? however, because it is so common, one's luxury becomes one's necessity, and is actually able to take priority over another person's health. this is good for the workers, but what about the people in need? oh and appointments have to be made to see even a GP. this, to me, is laughable. if i'm sick enough to need a doctor, i wouldn't be able to wait for an appointment!

and as to cost of living, it's needless to elaborate much. a typical plate of food would probably cost about A$15 (~S$20), and drinks are typically A$3 a bottle.

so yeah, i can't wait for buses which can come as often as every two minutes and those which end close to midnight, roadworks which are done overnight, and meals which can be cheaper than a drink here. granted, the weather and the sheer amount of space here is amazing, and it might seem that it's just the whole grass-is-greener thing (which is really true because green grass doesn't actually grow here) but well, really, i'd choose singapore anytime.

it's been almost 3 months since i've left the comforts of home and adventured out into this place. i made the decision to come here without knowing anyone that was here, or anything about perth other than it being in australia. i came here with the sole intention of studying medicine, knowing that this was the door God opened for me and trusting that God would provide.

with this, it seems almost ironic that what i'd be struggling with the most would be feeling so far away from God. i've made friends in the overseas christian fellowship, i've kept up with spending quiet time with God daily, i've had more time to sit and talk to God at random times of the day, i thank God every day for His provisions and know how He's blessed me with so much, and yet, i feel like there has to be something more than this.

as i got onto the car on friday and readied myself for the OCF easter camp, there was something i was very sure of - that God really wanted me to go for the camp. there was so many other things that i'd wanted to do over the weekend, so many reasons not to go, that i pushed it aside soon after first hearing about it. and yet, plans were cancelled, and i found myself with no reason not to go for it. because of this, i found myself expecting God to do something amazing in me, like He's always done in the past few times i've devoted my time to him.

time passed, and it was time to leave camp. and i was disappointed. i didn't feel like God had really spoken to me during the camp, not even during the sermons. the things that were being talked about - God's plan for our lives, answering God's call, and having vision for our lives - these weren't things i've been struggling with. the only times i really felt God's presence was during worship and during my usual quiet time... so i left the camp feeling very confused, and struggled to find meaning in it.

but then, today i chanced upon tiff's blogpost with the song 'these things take time' by sanctus real. songs have always been a way for God to speak to me, and this time was no different - i found myself nodding to myself when i read the lyrics, "the more i have the more i need just to feel like i'm getting by." and i think that's precisely why i'm feeling like this - because i'm so used to speaking to God and spending time with Him that it no longer really excites me to be doing that in camp, also. God WAS there, but i was looking for something from Him that'd bring me to tears, and while God's touch would usually do that, i was taking Him for granted. pride got in the way.

and so, glenn was right. there was something preventing me from experiencing God the way i'd experienced Him before. and i've only myself to blame for that. this, i believe, is the lesson i was meant to take away from this camp. many times i've found myself yearning for another wesley YM to appear in perth, for a small group just like TAG to be a part of. indeed, all that i've been was limiting God to my past perceptions of how God can be experienced. perhaps, also, conrad was right in that maybe God's grooming me to becoming a missionary doctor, because i'd definitely need the strength and the special relationship with God to survive out there on my own.

i'm sorry, God. and i'm here waiting on you now, for whatever way you wish to talk to me, and for whatever way you wish for me to experience you. and i'll be patient in letting you mold me into who you want me to become, for i know, that these things take time.

<3 me.

my second last night in my bed, in a few months. this time two days later, i'll be at the airport, saying goodbye to the people that mean so much to me. it's scary, to go to a place i've never even been to before, leaving behind people who i've come to love so much, and hoping that i wouldn't come to regret this in the years to come.

but somehow, i know that God's truly the one that's at the wheel. and i know he's opened this door and closed the others for a reason. not only that, He's already gone ahead and made all the preparations for me. for example, if there hadn't been spaces for the senggarang trip last year, i wouldn't have gotten to know keith and vyan. and then i wouldn't have been as comfortable at tonight's gathering. these people are the people who i'm going to come to get to know very well in the year ahead. without them, i would be feeling so much more afraid about going to perth.

He also knew that i needed to get to know Him more, without the distraction of studies, that's why i had the past year to really grow and experience how it's like to be aligned with Him. He knew how much i really need TAG in my life, and that i needed the past year to really get to know them better. and the time spent at NUS was a good chance to practise making friends again. HAHA. to step up to a total stranger and say "hi, i'm renee. and you are...?" was really something i hadn't done in so very long. even though i've changed school many times and met many groups of people, there's always been a few people that i already knew before that.

in any case, it's a new beginning. but i'm not going to worry anymore, because i realise today that truly, it's all been prepared for already. thank You for that. (:

here i go.

this is gonna be a short post before i konk out on the bed. i'm just back from the wesley ym camp 2010 and the only thing i can really say is this: wow.

definitely, God had fully prepared me for camp. as unprepared as i felt, literally being thrown into the deep end of the pool, God had previously taught me how to swim, i just didn't know it. and what i realise now is that i didn't need to be someone who knew all the answers. i didn't need to be someone who knew all the right things to say. i didn't need to be great at games so i'd be of worth to the rest of the group at the various stations. all i needed was to let God do the work.

it wasn't until i got home and read the notes that my awesome assistant leader (who should rightly be known as my co-leader) and mentor wrote to me that i realised that indeed, God was working through me. i didn't feel special, i didn't feel like i was any better than anyone else. in fact, i was always feeling bad about not being able to do enough. i didn't realise, that by just being me, i was being an example to others around me, that they were looking up to me and learning from me. somehow, i was guiding and keeping my assistant leader on track, even though we were both first-time leaders. i'd always been under the impression that it was the other way around, only.

and then, this: "rather, it should be that of your innerself, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight" from 1 Peter 3:4. there it was - one of the main reasons why i've always felt inferior to other leaders. i'm not one who would scream her lungs out or willingly make a fool of myself. i've always had at least one teacher comment about how quiet i am, each year/semester of school. and here, i was being told that that was nothing bad and that in fact, it is of great worth, to be a 'gentle and quiet spirit'.

unlike last year, i'm not on a 'camp high'. it definitely was an awesome time. but the great thing about this is that, what God did with me in camp isn't something that is just going to fade away in the coming days. indeed, agreeing to be thrown into the deep end of the pool is one of the best decisions of this year.

to God be the glory. you are awesome.

i've realised that one of the things i'm going to miss the most when i go overseas next year is playing in orchestras. i wish the nusso concert were in january instead of march, so i'd be able to play scheherazade once more...

i remembering really hating playing the violin when i first started lessons at 9. it was just a music instrument, to me. something that produced sounds! much like hitting a bucket, except this one could produce different pitches. oh, and this required so much more time! i was always being told to correct my posture, nagged to practice, dreading the lessons where ms lim would try not to walk out on me... it was so tiresome and i didn't get what was so great about it.

while long-lasting friendships arose from my two years in nyse, i think it taught me more about ensemble skills rather than making me more passionate about music. on the other hand, joining snyto was the start of an exciting journey of making friends who share the same passion for music, accumulating repertoires and realising how awesome music is.

i think it was only when i joined snyo that i started getting excited about the music itself, rather than the general feeling of playing in a large group. in the last concert that i attended, i found myself missing yo so much 'cos i wanted so badly to go back and play more pieces of pure genius! it was through yo that i was exposed to more orchestras and even more exciting pieces! i played scheherazade in my first omm concert, and then there was also the festival orchestra where we played 1812!

joining nusso was only natural, since i'd been in regular orchestras for so long and it was nice to be able to play without much pressure. (: i was told that we're going to be sightreading scheherazade in our next rehearsal, and i couldn't resist opening itunes right away and playing the recordings. at first, it was purely for enjoyment - i remembered liking it a lot when i last played it, but i couldn't remember how exactly it went. then slowly, i found myself remembering the exact notes which followed and it started making me really sad, realising that THIS is what i would be missing out when i pursue other dreams. finally, i found myself saying "i'm going to attend rehearsals just so i can play this piece."

what a long way i've come, from that little girl who hated playing and wanted to stop at grade 5, to who i am right now, taking on more orchestras than i probably can handle! hahaha. i'm wondering how possible it's going to be for me to play in orchestras again, after i start on my course overseas... opportunity cost? haha. i guess it's definitely worth it. stuck here studying things i've no interest in + music vs studying something i really love overseas. but looking at my violin which lies just three metres away... =/ nah, i'm not considering doing music. definitely not good enough, and i only enjoy playing pieces of pure genius in orchestras. (:

i was asked just an hour ago about whether or not i regretted taking music instead of bio in nus high, and i guess i don't. sometimes i do, because of how much more difficult it was to get into the course of my choice. but then, everything worked out in the end, didn't it. (: here i am, with my place in a uni that is not nus and away from pure science! the best part about music in nus high was the recital, and it really was very satisfying! (though i can't bear to take out the video recording to hear the notes which are forever captured in out-of-tune-ness xD) last month, i was amazed that i could still play (and memorise) my recital pieces.. heh.

well. my life in four words: church, people, studies, music.

i just got back on Sunday, after a week of witnessing God's awesomeness in Cambodia! i guess this is a good place for me to sort out my thoughts. (:

before going on the trip, we had training and preparation sessions. i was in-charge of writing out the newsletter, and also head of the language committee (i.e. the 4 of us who decided what we'd teach them during the English/Chinese lessons). during this period of time, i was so busy handling a lot of other things, like Ms Ng's wedding, the appeal, etc. that i wasn't able to spend that much time to do up the lesson plans. i was so overwhelmed that i kept feeling so bad for not spending enough time preparing myself for the mission trip, and i went to changi airport at 3.30am on 13th june, knowing for sure that God would change me that week, but uncertain about everything else.

so much happened on the first day. a bag was almost left behind in singapore, a luggage bag was missing when we reached siem reap, and one of us even got a poisonous spider bite! but God proved faithful, and these issues were resolved. i remember feeling in awe when we were at the airport, worrying about janice's bag, and tiff suggested praying. after that, we were certain that that was enough and that God had already heard us, and when we came out through customs, there it was, with the pile of ACS luggage.

daily devotion and quiet time was simply amazing. i'd never heard so clearly from Him before. text that were previously just stories to me meant so much more. perhaps because I knew that since God had directed sujin to assign us these readings, there was something that God wanted to tell us through them. so i read and re-read the passages in the half hour that we got for quiet time, until i managed to dig deep into it and hear God's words.

children's ministry was the best part of every day. 1.5 hours a day is definitely not enough!!! i miss the kids so much, especially zippet, poah and mai! i miss calling out to them and seeing them run to hug us with the widest smiles on their faces. i miss stretching my arms out to any of them and seeing them walk towards me, prepared for me to carry them. i miss their voices, and how cute they sounded when they repeated any words that i said. most of all, i miss seeing God's love so clearly through them and through us. the unconditional love for each other, knowing that's all we could give, knowing it was only possible because of His love for us.

on the first day, i remember a little girl who came up to sam and i. she took my hand, and then took sam's hand and put ours together. my heart melted when i realised how simple their lives were, and how much love they had within them. it was the first time we'd met in our lives, and yet she was coming up to us, teaching us the meaning of friendship and love for our neighbours.

as tiff said, we really worshipped God at every moment of our days there. through our actions, our words, our songs and our thoughts. sitting in the tuk-tuk, enjoying the wind, the only thing i wanted to do was to speak to Him, sing songs to Him or just stare in amazement at His creation and all these people that He loves so much. i loved being able to show our love to everyone that we met. the tuk-tuk drivers, the missionaries there, random passersby or even the lady who came to cook for us everyday (i was really happy to have been able to bless her with a poster which taught what the parts of the body were in English, and i know she was really touched by all of us - she laced her fingers through mine when we said goodbye and even woke up early to send us off at 5am.)

after debrief and team time on monday, someone noticed that there were many stars in the sky. we couldn't get enough of it, so we took the garbage bags that we'd brought there, and lay down in the front porch of the house. a few of us started singing chris tomlin's "indescribable" and, well. God's awesomeness really is indescribable.

the time set aside daily for worship was simply amazing. i knew that the words that came from our mouths were both pleasing to Him and encouraging to us. the thoughts that could only have come from God affirmed our faith and our work there, and i could really feel his presence. on thursday night, i don't remember what songs we were singing, exactly. but certain phrases or words spoke to me clearly and that night, i believe that He revealed His plans for my life. i also saw the faces of the kids that i'd come to love so much, and i knew He was saying, "think of how much you want them to be saved, and how much more it breaks My heart to see them so far away" (which brings to mind adriel loh saying 'the God of the how-much-more'!)

on saturday, we visited angkor wat and angkor thom (pity we didn't have time to visit the rest of them!) while angkor wat was magnificent and had amazing architecture (sam says she wants to start a church that's out in the open like that because it makes her feel closer to God), angkor thom was the one that impacted me more. nearing the end of our time there, when we were in one of the corridors where janice had just a while ago felt something that was very angry, i felt my chest constrict. it was suddenly very hard to breathe and i had to take really deep breaths to try to relax again. i got out of the place and into the open air as soon as i could, and someone started singing chris tomlin's "our God (is greater)". i joined it and was reminded of His power, and that there's nothing to worry about when He's by my side.

i believe that the team that was sent up there was really handpicked by God. sujin said it a few times before we left but i was a little doubtful. however, the way that we complemented each other, as the many different parts of one body, was too perfect to not have been a group brought together by God. every single one of us was touched and changed and moulded a bit more in His likeness, in that short week that we had there.

that week was simply amazing and i wish we could've stayed for another. i imagine the slum kids must've been so disappointed when they didn't see us on saturday. sigh. :( it was a week of amazing closeness with God, and i wish there weren't this many distractions at home. the only reason why i wanted to come back to Singapore was because i couldn't wait to share with my friends and family about the awesome work God was doing there. i pray i'll find a way to experience that same closeness to Him again, even while we're back in singapore. it feels like i've fallen back down from heaven onto earth, but where i am physically shouldn't affect how i am spiritually, so i'll try my best. (:

on a completely different note, i tried my hand at bargaining for the first time in my life and i'm quite pleased with myself! HAHA. :D also, i'm thankful that the toilets in singapore won't choke so easily that toiletpaper cannot be flushed down...

i love all of you so much...

well, i guess this would be an appropriate entry to revive my blog. (:

i got baptised today! it was an awesome feeling, especially when you get out of the water and everyone's clapping and cheering for you. people you know, people you don't know - you can sense God's love pouring out of all of them. as important as today was to me, i didn't feel like i was taking a very huge step, though. dying to my old ways and living in Christ - i'd already put my mind to it months ago. but it's something that can only be done through God's grace, definitely not through my own willpower, which is why holy baptism's necessary and so important.

i'm really grateful for my family and the few of my maternal relatives who came down to support me. and, of course, stef for coming down despite needing to rush off right after my immersion due to her curfew and balo for
his guidance and being the awesome youth leader that he is and being the first to shake my hand after it haha! and definitely, not forgetting charissa whom i haven't met in years and only recently started talking to again, for coming down and not complaining about sitting through the service on her own (really sorry =/). it really meant a lot, thanks.

last but not least, congrats to aunty claire for getting baptised too! it's been such a great journey to walk through together, and i hope it never ends! (: confirmation's on sunday, i can't wait!

and so, chinese new year rolls round once again. as per tradition, there was the reunion dinner on chu xi ye, and all the house visiting on chu yi. this year, i kept thinking about how different it all was. the family seemed so small, without the cousins who were studying overseas. and maybe, just maybe, i won't even be home for cny next year.

as tiring as the activities are on the first day of cny, it's always fun and meaningful to go through the annual routine. morning till lunch is spent with my dad's side. we have breakfast at his eldest sister's house, then 'visit' my grandfather at the chapel, followed by each of the other siblings' houses, until lunch at my grandmother's. following that, we go to my mum's eldest sister's house, where we meet all the relatives we see once a year. it is really heartwarming, this feeling of family, especially with my paternal relatives who i'm much closer to. there is plenty of laughter and talk, memories to be shared, and even new discoveries! (like the fact that all the guys among my paternal relatives sneeze exactly the same way) and i was really missing jie throughout. :( (oh btw jie, you still have to be nice to me. if not i'll keep all your hong bao money! xD)

i was thinking about how the first day of cny would be like in the future, maybe twenty years down the road. would this annual tradition be possible? it would probably be impossible for all of us cousins meet up every year and travel to each others' houses. even among the three of us, that probably wouldn't happen, since jie and i would have to spend chinese new year with our future husbands' families, instead. what traditions would *they* be used to? in any case, with a typical family having two to three kids, this kind of arrangement (travelling together from house to house) wouldn't work out, would it?

it makes me kind of sad, thinking that years later, all this visiting, the hype of the day, would probably be just a distant memory of my childhood. someone mentioned that i was one of the very few people he knew that was going visiting. which i think is very sad - what's chinese new year without bainian-ing and going to the houses of people you love! i really hope one day i won't be like that too...

I PASSED I PASSED I PASSED!!!

yeah i think that deserves a blog entry. :D hahahaha and i am finally officially DONE with piano exams. awesome way to end the day, considering i was expecting to have failed it. the examiner is so super nice. why am i so lucky with piano examiners and unlucky with violin examiners! at least it isn't the other way round, though - bad playing + bad examiner = disastrous results.

life's been pretty good i'd say! haven't been completely bumming around, neither have i been horribly busy. been doing lots of reading and discussions recently, so my brain hasn't completely rotted yet.

WHEEEEEE.