There! The Crevasse!

who needs google?

2007-03-21T18:10:11Z

Search the web with Kevin Federline!

Every time you search the web you stand a chance of winning a prize from Kevin Federline. It's that simple. Really.

right-wing fiction that's at least as good as O'Reilly

2007-03-08T22:34:23Z

What has come of Scooter Libby's trial? Besides being guilty on four counts (no matter that a presidential pardon isn't far away), it gives us a chance to revisit Scooter Libby's bestial and incestuous sex-novel, "The Apprentice."

It's the story of Satsuo, a virginal inkeeper in a remote Japanese province in the winter of 1903, and it's full of uncles fucking daughters, bears, and deer, and what with all the scatalogical descriptions it's no wonder it took Libby 20 years to write. But the New Yorker magazine skewered it just right as it chronicled the list of things that glisten, quiver, and piss. "He asked if they should fuck the deer. The answer, dear reader, is yes."

a few things

2007-02-01T07:05:37Z

In Order To Save The Whales, We Must Breed With Them

In fact, we cannot even wait for the aquarium to open in the morning, because I can feel the desire to save several whales growing within me now.

And in case you doubted the cartoonish super-villainy of the current American presidency: The plan to stop global warming via giant space mirrors! Worth clicking just for the Guardian's headline.

And... to my loyal readers, this is a side of Tim Louman Gardiner you simply *must* see: The Radical Beer Faction's rather brilliant AMS Voter-Funded media page. And I know brilliant.

One thing you'll never hear from the media about the Pickton Trial

2007-01-24T08:31:02Z

That the first words to come from the microphone at the very beginning of the trial didn't involve Pickton or the jury or evidence or the judge; the first words were from one lawyer to another, whispering: "I really have to pee!"

And now for something completely different: God, kittens, masturbation and you.

hard-hitting journalism

2007-01-17T06:39:49Z

So I was interviewing this guy today and he said, of another man I wanted to talk to:

"I know that guy. I know about his goat. That goat went from being a tight end to a wide receiver."

It was a boy goat.

This is embarrassing...

2007-01-14T22:37:31Z

The Foot Soldier

Achtung! You are 46% brainwashworthy, 36% antitolerant, and 57% blindly patriotic

You're not evil exactly, but you still would've joined the German army. Driven by STRONG patriotism and a willingness to do what your country asks, you would've thrown your moral reservations aside and stepped right up to the platz for the AXIS POWERS.

The sad fact is: while you're not self-centered, you are are an enthusiastic nationalist, malleable like so much half-dried glue, and ready to follow zee rules. Unfortunately, you're not cynical enough to tell when you're being manipulated. You probably have a violent itch that needs scratching anyhow, so why ask questions?

Conclusion: born and raised in Germany in the early 1930's, you would've supported the Nazis militarily while turning a blind eye to their 'civilian' programs.

- new test, it rules, take it -
The Terrorism Test

My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 65% on brainwashworthy
You scored higher than 53% on antitolerant
You scored higher than 70% on patriotic

Link: The Would You Have Been a Nazi Test written by jason_bateman on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the The Dating Persona Test

declaration of independence

2007-01-10T08:54:48Z

Anyone want to buy an Island? Sealand, a small principality off the North coast of the United Kingdom that's is about the size of a medieval castle, is for sale for only $1.14-billion.

The Brits built the artificial island as a fort in WWII, but a retired army general took it over and named himself the head of state. He even shook off an invasion by the Royal Navy. Says his son, the current owner and president-for-life in his sales pitch: "The neighbours are very quiet. There is a good sea view."

_jonjuan_ @ 2007-01-08T23:07:00

2007-01-09T07:09:32Z

Hey hey, I'm back in Vancouver as of a few hours ago, and if you didn't hear from me in the past three weeks it was because I was skiing. The snow was great. You're all invited to the condo at Panorama. Yes, even you.

My Christmas present this year was a lovely new set of ski clothes, so I have no need of my old gore-tex jacket and pants. I was going to send them to the Sally Ann, but I thought I'd post here if people are looking to take a green jacket and brown pants, somewhat damaged but still servicable, off my hands. Let me know!

_jonjuan_ @ 2006-12-30T10:48:00

2006-12-30T17:48:15Z

Look who's single of the week: Sam Docking!

Just posting to increase the chances of a happy ending to 2006, Sam. Thanks to Tim for pointing this out on Quinn's LJ...

It's 6:18. Do you know where your Livejournal is?

2006-12-19T02:18:57Z

Good Lord, I hate it when I forget to log out of Livejournal and then someone staying at my house comes and updates this page for me, paying me back for a similar day, oh, probably two and a half years ago, which I've probably actually forgotten by now, when she forgot to log out of hers. Yeah. That. I hate that.

China, anyone? I know a wicked pattern.

my career's high point: when I'm on this list

2006-12-15T08:16:16Z

The best corrections in newspapers and TV this year at regrettheerror.com, including:

-Reuters apologizes for an article about a recall of 'beef panties'
-The Ottawa Citizen asserting that the Sabres outshit the Senators 32-28
-Or that little mixup in the National Post about Iran passing laws forcing Jews to wear badges
-And right now my favourite, from the Daily Star (U.K.):

IN previous issues of this newspaper, we may have given the impression that the people of France were snail swallowing garlic munching surrender-monkeys whose women never bother to shave their armpits.
We now realise that the French football team can stop the Portuguese – and in particular their cheating whingeing winger Cristiano Ronaldo – from getting to the World Cup Final which we so richly deserved to do.
We apologise profusely to France and its sporting heroes like Thierry Henry and Zinedine Zidane who we now accept are skilful, brave and the most wonderful neighbours we could ever wish for.
Vive La France!

kindly remove your thong, sir

2006-12-12T04:13:06Z

... from This Magazine's list of 40 Things We Really Need Now.

Oh, and with all these treaties coming out, I call for a return to humourous naming practices. "Tswwassen First Nation Final Agreement"? Bring me the "Indian Intercourse Act" any day...

dawkins on a crusade?

2006-12-10T22:53:23Z

Eminent zoologist Richard Dawkins becomes the picture of the evangelical athiest, no longer a contradiction in terms, in a recent BBC interview about his book, The God Delusion:

Best &#%#!! Christmas video ever!

2006-12-09T03:53:29Z

For fans of R. Kelly's 106-part utterly ridiculous hip-hopera, here's the claymation Christmas version...

And see Parts II and III for hyper-blasphemy!

log on to surf the onramp to the information superhighway!

2006-12-08T03:53:32Z

An early-90s movie where a finely coiffed Peter Mansbridge shows CBC viewers the wonders of a newfangled computer network called 'Internet'.

Mansbridge: "There's a revolution going on in rec rooms, offices and classrooms around the entire world, in which 15 million people are taking part, sharing information, gossip, and cooking tips, night and day, through a computer network called 'Internet."

And as the background to an old computer monitor rotating in space: "Computers have matured from adding machines to tools of the human spirit."

"The internet is growing like an embryonic brain."

And of course, the blurred text on the screen as the camera focused on the reporter's face, reflected on the screen. Looking through the computer... at himself!

My god. It's full of stars...

_jonjuan_ @ 2006-12-06T12:33:00

2006-12-06T19:33:14Z

Cuts straight to the issue, this does...

Kansas Outlaws Practice Of Evolution

TOPEKA, KS—Any living being that undergoes genetic modification favoring survival could face jail time under the new law.

_jonjuan_ @ 2006-12-02T16:08:00

2006-12-02T23:08:12Z

Stephane Dion. Sure, I only predicted this yesterday morning, but: I told you so.

the shadowy "patient"

2006-12-02T22:30:55Z

The Vancouver Sun called this faithful scribbler a "shadowy patient" and wondered if "he was really seeking treatment" in an incredibly dark take on my stunt here. But I gotta agree with Tim: I gotta wipe that grin off my face. Poker lessons?

And Jon's appearance on TV on Friday at the False Creek Urgent Care Centre was then followed by Jon's article which was followed by news that the clinic would back down. I wonder if it had anything to do with the revelations in the article: the price lists, the contract that said patients couldn't talk to any government about their care. It would be a total victory if the injury of my pinky wasn't so ridiculous...

_jonjuan_ @ 2006-11-25T04:12:00

2006-11-25T11:12:08Z

Remember Jon Stewart on Crossfire? This was the precursor: Frank Zappa takes on Crossfire's old white men of 1986 (one of them Bob Novak, who hasn't aged a day) on the issue of censorship of obscenity, and the discussion gets a little heated...

_jonjuan_ @ 2006-11-21T09:10:00

2006-11-21T16:10:54Z

Why do I even update this thing? No one's going to read a blog about a strong man in tights. It'll never fly!

But among the e-mails I drunkenly responded to last night (oh, my aching head... curse you, boil water advisory!) was one from Superman's old paper, the Toronto star, telling me to quit applying to their internships and apply for a *real job*... I'm "impressive"! I abandoned the no-backspace rule for drunken e-mails to reply to that one, thank God. Toronto calls...

If only the time zones would work out so I could have called Toronto (read: drunk-dialed lovely Laura). But no one wants a phone call at 3 am, no matter who's on the other end...

_jonjuan_ @ 2006-11-14T19:34:00

2006-11-15T02:34:52Z

Tonight at 9 on Ideas on CBC, a program on the mysteries of the penis, putting the potence in impotence: Phallus in Wonderland. I'm tuning in, if just for the puns...

Okay, fine, for the penises.

Another reason why anti-gay marriage ballot initiatives suck

2006-11-06T19:59:25Z

In Ohio, a statewide vote to deny anyone but married couples access to the protections of married life has meant that some men are getting off scot-free after beating up their girlfriends. The courts have no choice but to strike down domestic abuse laws because they protect against battery from "a family member, spouse or person living as a spouse." The courts found that the words "living as a spouse" give an unconstitutionally marriage-like status to unmarried couples.

Now, Virginia is eying a similar amendment. When will these people open their eyes?

borat's guide to...

2006-11-04T04:39:43Z

Borat's portrayal of Kazakhstan is wildly different from the real country, the livid former Soviet republic insists, so the New Yorker asks a Kazakh envoy, 'Just what *are* the real cultural traditions of Kazakhstan?"

The answer: there's no "Running of the Jew" but just wait until you hear about "the Chasing of the Bride"...

_jonjuan_ @ 2006-10-18T23:54:00

2006-10-19T07:00:14Z

After four months in Uganda and two weeks in Toronto and a whole lot of time in the air, I've flopped down in Vancouver. Welcome back me. I want to see all of you lovely people again and give all of you lovely people presents galore, perhaps at a lunch or dinner at Nyala, that African food place on Fourth this weekend sometime.

Nyala, you say? African food's an oxymoron, you say? Well, you're right, I survived in Uganda eating mostly Pringles and drinking beer at the one Irish pub in Kampala. But I don't want to deny the experience... when I figure out when this shall be, I will definitely post it. Until then, suggestions are welcome...

back in Canada

2006-10-14T16:49:04Z

So I'm back in Canada, in Toronto. Culture shock took the form of once-overs and smirks by Torontonians who rejected my clothing that was rejected by value village, sent to Africa, and bought in a Ugandan market by me. I bought all new clothes. Also, having something to eat other than mashed bananas and goat rocks. Also, white girls are cute.

Any lack of posts is purely because the African internet connections could handle e-mail but not livejournal. But now I've got to ramp up my web presence: I just had a job interview for a reporting position at CBC.ca -- and they want me to write a critique of their website, CBC.ca. A job would really nice -- I am ridiculously in debt after four months in Africa because the cheques have not come in yet, not to mention that it's a job in Toronto -- and so I'm casting about for help from you smart, smart people. What do you like about CBC.ca? What do you hate? How would you change it?

Be creative and witty. And get me a job...