+*¨^¨*+ YAY!!! The LiveJornal of MEE!!!+*¨^¨*+

i can't believe how depressed i am...it's worse than i thought it would be...i'm coming back in 2 days and i have never wanted to go home more in my life...i can't believe it...everything i been through this summer...it turned against me and now i'm doomed to misery...i don't have time to explain...i am not even suppose to be here....i have spent 2 days lying on my bed, reading harry potter 1/4 of the time...staring at the ceiling 1/2 the time....eating 1/8 of the time and looking stupid 1/8 of the time...it's soo hard...i just sit there staring at nothing...and then i wonder what i was staring at....and what i was thinking...but it all ends up being nothing....OMG...i can't believe it happened, it was so quick, but i didn't see it coming, but i knew that side affects are there, and i knew she had disliked me...no time to explain call me when i get back on september 7th....905-820-7797 c ya all....sooo depressed

i's already september 2rd...i'm going home in four days!!!! it kinda makes me feel sad, because i don't know whether i'll be able to see these people again...for a very long time, they're soo nice to me, they're my family, but what about my life back at home??? i don't know when somthing could happen really unexpectantly...like what happend this summer, it wasn't planned at all, but i gotta learn that not everything can go so smoothly in life...

sometimes i wonder what my life would have been like if my paren't weren't divorced, if we all lived in the same house and things like that...bu ti really can't make anything out of it, because it doesn't seem very possible...it was so long ago, maybe like 5 years or somthing? i dont know, it just reminds me of the life back then.

i learned so much during the past 2 months of being here, i learned to face people who highly dislike me and who try to make my life as miserable as hell, i learned to appreaciate what i have now, knowing that it could be worse. I learned that even though everything she says might not be true, she's still teliing be about my faults, and sometimes, it helps listening to things that i could change about myself...

i learned that my family will always be with me no matter what happens.. i know that even though i haven't seen my grandparen't on my dad's side for 6 years, they were still there, and they know what kind of a person my stepmom is...and sometimes i ask myself...why the hell is my dad so dumb??????

i learned not to take for granted what i have, because this summer, i have gone through so much hell, i tried to avoid going to my dad's house, i try to go to my uncles house, my grandparen'ts, aunts, anywhere so she would be free to talk and complain about me all she wants...but then i realized that there are kids who's parent's beat them everyday...there are children who have been emotionally hurt thousands of times more than me...there are orphans, and worse, there are children whose parents sexually harrasse them...it's horrible. that's why i'm considered lucky, to be finacially stable, to be able to afford a roof over my head and food whenever i like...i 'm lucky to be able to crawl into a warm bed at night, i'm lucky to be able to have a mother, a father, aunts, uncles, grandparent's who all have me on their minds...i'm lucky to have reallly great friends....

But i don't know how long this is all gonna last...people are slowly gonna die away...i don't know how i can be able to face it if anybody in my family died again...my grandmother died, she was the best ever! i miss her, but she can't come back anymore...i'm leaving again in 4 days, i don't know how i'm gonna say goodbye to the people who grew up with me...i'm gonna come back sometime soon, but it's still not the same, it's kinda leaving that little part of my childhood, i grew up with these people, and seeing them again makes me happy, though kinda awkward at the same time...but i'll really miss them...

people get old, and maybe, the next time i see them, they'll be older, and i'll be older, it's gonna be different...i already said goodbye to my uncles, aunts, and grandparent's...hoping that the next time i see them, they'll all be well...and i hope the next time i come, everything's gonna be cool with my stepmother...maybe her opinions of me will change, and maybe my opinions of her will change...she of course told my dad that she doesn't like me...he lectured me by giving an example that a TEACHER doesn't like me....he told me to think over a reason why the TEACHER doesn't like me...is it my fault, or is it the TEACHERS....but i'm not stupid, i know he was talking about me and my stepmom, really, it's so obvious....but she must have said that i'm bad and stuff like that....but i really haven't done anything wrong to her...i gave her my utermost respect, i'd like to get to know a person before i label them...that's what i learned, if i label a person first, the outcome will hurt the person....

i also learned that everything may look good on the outside but be all broken up on the inside....a person may look like there's nothing wrong and having the best time of his/her life, but not feel this way, behind every happy face, there's a story that could destroy a person, they could be completely different from what others label them....you can't really tell that a person is an orphan, a person who has lots parent's in car accidents, a person who is beaten, a person who is emotionally weak, and a person who is bullied just buy looking at his/her happy face, you really can't...so i say get to know a person before you judge them...because it's important....because she never gave me a chance...she just assumed that i'm just a little spoiled brat, that my life is so perfect....she doesn't know my problems and my frustration....

a few days ago, i was really really really depressed, she destroyed me, i'm like a little shriveld up spit ball compared to her almighty ness. and i couldn't even sleep that night, i had so much problems, and it was sooo painful....i couldn't even eat! but noooooo, seeing me depresssed made her so happy as to make me more depressed. she told me, "let's have a chat sometime...you can tell me your problems and i can tell you some of mine...i'm sure your problems are very little, i mean, how could a girl like you have things to worry about...your life is perfect, you're problems are miniscule(sp?) compared to mine....i'm sure of that....you'll see that you have nothing to worry about...ok? you're just overreacting, you just want some attention...you're not depressed....i have much bigger problems..." it made me soooo much more depressed/angry...i sat on the windowsill for a really long time that night thinking about just random stuff....i was sooo angry, but i can't do anything to her, i'll get screamed at and kicked out by her, because i'm supposed to respect her...but she's ruining my life...for the longest time....how would she know i have no problems? all my problems and issues come back to her!!!! how would she know about things i have to worry about? she wouldn't...and USUALLY, when you see people looking depressed, you don't say stuff to make them more depressed....

ok, now that i have all that crap off my chest, i can talk about other things. this summer has really made an impact on the life i'm going to have when i come back, i've learned so much...and it changed me...and hopefully, it would make me a better person, because i certainly don't want to be one of those who destroys people and make them depressed...because no matter how great a person is, if they are able to hurt another emotionally, and make others depressed....i don't think i'll want to be one of those...

and everything i learned this summer made me stronger, i know that whenever i cry, i cry for somthing big, i don't just get tearful over stupid crap anymore...i used to cry because my mom yells at me for stupid reasons, but i know now to appreciate how much my mother cares for me, so i'll try to fix any mistakes i have made and only thank God for my parent's, even though things never worked out, it's destiny....i have no control over that....and i learned not to depend on other people to make me happy, so i can make my own happiness with my friends, and my family and everyone that was there for me! i thank you guy s much because everyone was supportive of me, i miss you guys and hope you see you soon...

so many unexpected things happened over this summer, maybe it might not seem like a lot, but it was a lot to handle...i can't wait to go back to school, all the things i wrote above sounds corny i know=D but oh well, it's true though...and i'm really glad a spent a summer here, because it helped me learn to face other people (actually person) that make my life miserable.... and i learned to do so much more, i learned to be a better person...hopefully! anyways, ciao!

miss you gusy soooooooooooooooooo much~~~~~~ luvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvs

Jessica~Peace~

hey guys, i'm going to my grandpa's for about a few days...maybe like 3-4 days...i think i'm gonna be back like september 2-3rd...yeah. I'm not gonna update because my grandpa has no computer. i'm coming back in like a week and a bit....YAY!!!! miss you guys sooooooo much... i luff china, shopping is sooo fun here and so yeah, everything like dead cheap. c ya!!!! LUVV Jess

hey guys, wow i haven't written in such a long time...i got a new layout thing, i thought it was cute...maybe to much pink. Anyways, i spent my birthday like 3 times..but i didn't really give any presents because chinese people don't really give presents on people's birtdays..if they do, then it's something small. But i dunno, whatever i don't care, i've had an okay birtday. first i went to chinese KFC, then went shopping and stuff like that...went back to my dad's, had a sleepover, and watched like 10 movies in the morning...got yelled at by my stepmom because i was disturbing her sleep by turning the volume to 1...-_- how can you yell at someone on their birthday??? anyways, her opinion is just stupid so she's ugly. hehe, then my dad took me to McDonalds and they gave me a present...like a happy meal toy because they said i looked to old to be under 12..XDDDDD. and then i was dropped at my grandpa's and then he took me to this fancy restaurant and then we ate and bought a cake....and instead of putting a nice little goat on the cake, they made the goat have a beard because they thought that it was my grandpa's birthday...not mine, so he's old, so they made the goat an old man goat...GRRR LMAO!!! it was funny, i became an old man...and the candles burned really fast when we were lighting them some of them already burned out...it was really stupid...so 8 of us helped my uncle stick in candles...but yea, we ended up like having 16 candles...hehe. it was funny, i guess one extra for good luck and one extra for the past year...it was fun, then my cousin called and my aunt called and my mom called and etc etc...

this morning i got up at like 7:00. but to me, it seemed so late...it felt as if i got up at like 10...but ok, whatever. I got up, ate breakfast, and got dressed and etc etc...my grandparent's get up at like 4 everyday, take a walk, do morning chores, clean, cook, then go back to sleep at like 8. i got ready to go into work with my grandpa, he's a principal's assistant..or somthing like that. and then he told me to go practice piano in their music room..which is like gigantically huge...it's like a whole wing...they have like a grand piano room..full of like a billion grand and baby grands...and like an upright music room and like a full hall of lesson rooms and a theory room...and one of those orchestral room thingys...but stupid as i was, i practiced in a small upright lesson room because i didn't wanna disturb the teachers and their meetings...the teachers are really nice, but they're kinda scary, they'll just go on and on...my grandpa says they're scared of me...but i'm scared of them as well..is that normal..it's kinda freaking me out! anyways, i practiced for like 45min and i met this girl who was like 7...and she played like gr 10..it's scary, she says she practices piano for like 4 hours a day...wow, where does she get the time, and then she brought her mom to see me, who was apparently a teacher, but her mom was uber rude to me, and i didn't like her one bit...and she was randomly like...i thought you kinda look old..but i didn't think you would be playing only gr 7 piano....even my daughter's better than that...talk about self obbsessive...o.O Well, i played piano for like 3 hours since i hadn't touched a piano key in like 2 months...but i didn't play that well anyways, with that little girl playing in a room beside me and her mother yelling at her to play better and right hand this, left hand that...and what her teacher told her and such things like that...so i left and said goodbye to the little girl. she told me that one lesson in china is like 600RMB that's like i dunno 100CDN an hour...and a week's piano lesson, theory lesson, and another piano related lesson costs about 600RMB each...that's like 1800RMB in a week..so that's like 300CDN for 3 hours a week that's like 7200RMB (1200CDN)a month spent on piano lessons alone!!!!! WOW... but she does play well, it makes me feel bad..yet it's sooooo unatural for like a 7-year-old to play gr 10...oh well. I felt bad, so after i played, i just went up to my grandpa's office and had a coke, now i'm in my grandpa's office, and it's like around lunchtime so i have to go down to their gigatic cafetoriun and have lunch...or somthing like that..i'll write more when i get home because i'm always bored to death...i don't do anything fun and stupid freaking idiot refuses my dad to take me anywhere saying he shouldn't waste money on a me...stupid b*itch.

kk, i'm gonna go have lunch...so, i'll go home and write.

Luv ya guys~ Jessica <333333334333333

After i have all that stuff off my chest, i still have a lotta things to say. I feel so lucky, to have a class that's so supportive of me, to come accross these people that are so great...i'm so grateful for a group of really really great friends...i love them a lot, i'll be sure to miss them later on in my life. They all grew of me, everybody in my class for two years...they're like a part of me now, and not getting up early in the morning and going to school feels kinda wierd....yeah....it's still hard to believe that i'm actually in china....it seems just like yesterday when school ended...

LMAO..i'm watching chinese MTV!!!! it's sosooooooooo freaking hilarious! There's these chinese people, and they're pretending to be like 50cent and Eminem...cept it's not really working!!! They're like rapping about wind and fire and water...and the audience is using glowsticks and waving them to the beat when it's a really really fast rap song...it's really hilarious...but the other chinese singers...they're really good, the funny ones are only when they're all pretending to be American and putting random english in their chinese raps...like "baby be happy...bye baby....baby this...baby that...love...you...i love you" it's always these things...it's sooo hilarious..and the taiwan rap stuff and three chinese singers trying to be Christina Aguilera and singing "Dirrty" i was laughing my ass off at the tv...so funny...but traditional chinese songs are really really pretty.

i'll finish off later because my grandpa needs the computer...so yeah...wait for the uber long entry again! C YA!

ok, i don't even want to talk about my week in Shanghai...it gets me very very very mad...am i THAT worth talking about? i don't think so...honestly, just even try to make an effort to like me, or even pretend to and talk about me when i leave.

Ok, during our trip, i have heard nothing but bad things about me...and better yet, to my face. I come here once every 6 years, i haven't even met you or even known you when you got married...i'm not blood related to you, but it's not so hard when you make an effort. The world turns not just around you. And people have feelings...you know. Have the knowledge that everyone has different tastes, and everyone likes different things...and face the fact that maybe, people do things to not only suit themselves but suit other people...and it's important to know and appreciate just how much people already love you.

My good stepmother told me things i've always wanted to hear...i mean, i just want to hear just exactly how ugly i am. But i'm my dad's daughter, of course he's gonna like me just the way i am, but why all of a sudden do they pick faults in me that is so unlikable as to turn both of them against me. She's planning out my life for me, to tell me subjects that SHE thinks i should learn, she thinks that everything involving making a lotta money is a good thing, and it's not bringing up my self confidence to know i should always work harder because i'm not nearly making an effort as to make a lotta money and have a better life than i have now...ok, i'm not making enought sense am i...maybe i'm just angry, or upset, or really really glad...or just going absolutely crazy.

I went shopping with my dad on the second day at Shanghai, of course she couldn't come because she was two month pregnant...poor little person, she has morning sicknesses, fatigues and everything...awwwwww...but it's all part of being a mother, it'll all pay off in the end. But of course, she couldn't really handle it and wanted attention and be treated like the most important thing on the planet....when she came back, she demanded to see everything that my dad bought me. my dad, being her husband, treats her like a queen, so of course we let her see, but i didn't really think it was a good idea because when i came, she carefully examined all my clothes, commenting on each and every one of them...does she know that i like my things and the way i think about things the way they are? Does she know that people may not always be up to her standards, because everybody has their faults? But anyways, when she looked at everything, she told us that what we bought are litterally crap. CRAP!!!!! honestly, i couldn't feel worse that day, she told me that all my clothes are the ugliest things in the world and how could anybody be seen in public wearing them? She told me that everything i own are CRAP...everything, she told me i didn't really have good taste and everything i own should be thrown out...how does that make me feel. And she told me that even my underwear are prettier than my clothes and that her clothes were hundreds of time better looking than mine and why was i just always buying crap....it was like a knife....stabbing me, and it's not a joke, she said it with honestly, with truth...i could tell. But why, why, why don't you just get the facts that i am different, i'm not you....and you can't change me no matter how hard you try.

She told my dad to stop spending so much money on me...wow like 300RMB is soooooo much money when she buys like 1000RMB shirts...i didn't want to say anything, just pretended i didn't understand. my mind was so blank that day, i didn't know what happened. Later that day, she planned to send me away, to somebody else's house because she probably didn't want to see me anymore. I just let that go cuz i knew that we still had at at least 4 days before i actually do go away....i was right. She told him that i should go to my grandparents no matter what and she talked to me as if it were a big problem that they call everyday to ask how she's doing. She told me they keep calling every day to ask you to go over, why don't you go over until your birthday...i said i didn't want to go because i had noone to talk to there, it's not so interesting...she told me to invite my cousin...it sounded ok, so i told her i didn't want to talk about it and i'll see when the time comes...she knew i wasn't in a good mood, so she left me alone. but muttering under her breath how ugly my clothes are...saying i should change my taste in things. The truth was, i couldn't even take it anymore, i would rather go over to my grandparents because they won't pick out my faults, say how incredibly ugly i am and telling me that i am unlikable by anyone and i'll never grow up to be married...

Here is a list of things she called me:
~ a fatso, "why are you so fat, i'm not so fat, i'm quite slim and i have beautiful shape, that's why all the clothes look so pretty on me"

~ a spoiled brat, "why do you always let her have her ways, she's not pregnant you know, it'll ruin her, she's already so spoiled, it's time she learn that there's me to, and i'm pregnant, so think about that"

~money lover, "when you see money, your eye's glow, you're so shallow"

~i have ugly clothes, "your clothes are the ugliest things...honestly, why don't you just throw them out? learn to pick out nice things...like me"

~ugly (to my dad)"why do you think she's so pretty? i mean, i don't think so, she's really not, her skin is so dark, she's so hairy, she's so ugly, and her hair smells so much it makes me want to gag...i'm so much more beautiful"

~ ~can't make myself pretty, "you don't know how you do your hair, you hair looks like grass, you don't know how to at least make your ugly clothes look pretty and you don't try to lose weight...i knew foreigner children are like that, that's why i hate them so much"

~Big "wow, your thighs are huge, your such a big person"

~ Big assed, "i never knew, but not that i see you up close, your butt is really big, it's a wonder how you fit in any pants"

and soooo much more...but too lazy to memorize all her quotes now, she doesn't even kid, chinese people don't make jokes and then not laugh at them..when she makes a joke, she laughs at them histerically.

On thursday night, she screamed at me so much because "I" made her walk an extra street and she's afraid that if she walks too far, she'll have a miscarriage and lose her baby..she screamed at me so much she made me cry for almost 3 hours straight...when i finished, i was hicoughing so hard i couldn't even breath...my dad also yelled at me, she said "what the hell is your problem, you're such a spoiled brat, you get to have your ways EVERY TIME, i'm sick of it, why you, i could've hoped my husband had a better daughter, but it turned out to be you! If i lose my baby, it's all your fault...i didn't even know why you came here, after today, your dad's gonna hate you too...your worthless thing....he's too nice to you, no wonder you turned out to be like this...." i cried in the bathroom and when i listened at the door, she was telling him that he should definitly send me away and that she couldn't endure living with me for even a day....and how spoiled i am...and that i don't consider anybody....blah blah blah. But how does what she said make me feel? I'm not dead, i have feelings, and i have a mind...i never yelled at you. It's like you can hate me all you want but i can't hate you....according to her, i can't hate her, i should always respect her. I was so angry and sad that day i wanted to run far far far away in shanghai, live with my friend's parent's. Or just go home since i still had the train ticket, i couldn't even put up with her shooting her comments at me, i didn't do anything wrong, i came back to the hotel before her and she couldn't find it so she walked an extra street...of course, my dad always takes her side, so he got mad at me too...i cried and cried and cried that night, she tried to feel all week and all sad, she kept complaining about me and about how bad i was to the baby, she told me that i was gonna grow up to be a very bad person....i just layed there, she can say whatever she wants about me, i don't give a shit.

They don't even have any rights to judge me, they don't know me...where was my dad when i was growing up? He never told me when he got married or that he got married...and who he got married to...i was never invited to the wedding, i never knew that he had a baby...i didn't...i'm so sick of being lied to..so sick...i'm sick of every conversation directed at me. I'm sick of being talked about, and sick of being complained about....I'm sick of being called bad things, sick of being lectured...I'm sooo sick of pretending like everything's ok, but it's not, i can only say it to my self that everything is out of place, but to other people's faces, they have made such an effort to bring me here, to take care of me that i can't be so angry with them...my family is so good to me, but yet taking everything in like that is so painful. I try to pretend like everything she says doesn't affect me, but it does alot. Because everything she says my dad listens and takes seriously, so he will lecture me and tell me i'm selfish and to change me, when she suggest that i should go away for a few days, he sent me away. He takes everything, every suggestion, everything she says and does something about it....she told me that my dad is so nice to me that he lets everything be up to me, where i want to go, what i want to eat...if i was here daughter, she would never have allowed it for me...it makes me kind of glad that i'm not hers...and it also makes me feel really sorry for her baby...

On friday night, she made me throw out half of my clothes because one of my shirts made a whole bunch of clothes yellow, luckily it wasn't any of hers but she was still yelling at me a lot....she told that if i didn't throw any of it out, she would cut out all the yellow spots so that there would be random holes and i wouldn't be able to wear it anyways...she told me that if i didn't throw any of out, she would throw them out for me. I was really upset then, but i saw that she had a point, so i threw out 3 shirts and a pair of shorts. But she still was not happy. She told me that i need to throw out all the clothes she thinks are ugly, which is like 90% of then because she clearly only liked one thing my aunt bought for me. She told me that if i went out wearing then, i would embarrass my family...that it would look like we were crappy people because crappy people wear crappy clothes...she wanted me to throw out a flowery skirt, the yellow shirt, the "i'm too pretty for math" shirt, well basically everything i brought when i came here. She told me that she would replace them with better ones that SHE thinks are good and make her look good when i'm walking with her...ya right, i'm not throwing out any clothes, but she did try to throw some out and ended up throwing out the ruined clothes and the yellow shirt. It's like What Not To Wear, except the other way around because i really think she should be on it...she dresses like a old sac...and my dad told me "tomorrow when you stay home, learn how to dress nicely and make yourself more presentable from your stepmom because she's really good, all her clothes are really nice and she has really good taste..." when i said i liked the way i am and that i'll like what i like, he told me "you're so stubborn, why don't you just do it her way, it's so much better, besides, she told me all your clothes are ugly anyways, so learn something from the way she does things" Nuh uh, i don't think so...

It's kind of hippocritical, she's kind of selfish, i don't say it to her face but it's true...i'm not trying to be mean to her because i know i don't hate her, she just has her own way of doing things. Since she's pregnant, she just loves the attention she's getting from everybody, wishing her alright and loving that my dad would do anything for her, she just loves that everyone from her family, and my dad's family is calling to ask how she's feeling and to tell her to watch out and wish that it turned out to be very smooth, no pains...but she kept on saying, "how can it be, i'm gagging, throwing up...it's not normal, none of my friends had it, they all fainted and stuff but this is far worse, why me...i hate being a woman, women are stupid...i want to be a man (she just dissed more than half the world and herself)...why is this happening to me..." and my dad brings her everyting she could possibly want, does everything for her...she never returns the favour...she does things to benefit herself...if it deosn't, she would refuse to do it...my cousin told me last night when we were having a little chat. She told me that she didn't really like her step-aunt either...she told me ever since they were married, she was selfish and that she didn't really like her at all...my cousin also told me that when i brought my gr 8 grad pictures and school pictures for my dad, in from of the entire family she said, "EWWW She's sooo ugly, ew, and you said she was pretty? how can you think that...?" ok, i don't care if you think i'm ugly, but don't make a scene in front of my grandparents...just don't, i know they love me, i love them too. She's kind of self absorbed...when she have chats she tells me, "feel my skin, isn't it pretty, i'm so white, i'm like pearly, my skin is so soft, no hair on it at all, i don't even need to go get facials, it's so smooth and it's like baby skin, oh my god, I MYSELF can't believe what beautiful skin i have....feel my hair too, i have random people coming up to me on the street asking me how i manage my hair, i say nothing, but people seem to be very amused that i have such beautiful hair...so smooth ahd shiny, unlike yours of course, yours is really rough and too black and way to thick, you should do something about it, honestly, it looks really ugly." I was so angry the day after we came back from shanghai i wanted to take a kitchen knife and stab her, but still fought down thye urge to....i should have though, i was so freaking angry. I wondered how anybody could even possibly be so obssessive...she thinks she's so beautiful and so perfect that everything she does is perfect....i was food poisoned by her because she forced me to eat a whole bowl of what she made, i think it was some kind of raw seafood...it was gross, she made me eat it because she said it would be good for me...i was freaking food poisoned and had to get a shot and take medication for a week. GRRRRRRRRRRR.....yeah, now i guess everything's soooo much better because i'm at my grandparent and even though it's not like home, i still love being with the people i love...it's so much better...

Sorry for complaining so much...but i have all that anger building up in my chest i needed to let it out....i feel much better now

I think i'm lucky because i have the greatest people who love me, my grandparents, my aunt and uncle, my mother, my great great friends, my cousins, my dad (though he seemed to want to change me too according to HER, but i still love him), my stepdad (i'm so glad he's not like HER, he's a really really great person) my dog, and all these people, all these people that love me and that i love back makes up for the way she treats me and makes for the no effort that she makes to even feel ok with me. I feel lucky.

after ihave all that off my chest, i can breath and think that everything's ok now, at least, there's no HER to bug me until my birthday (*moan*)...

But it doesn't even matter if she likes me or not because i know that wherever i go, there will always be some people who won't like me, but there's also those people that like me that make up for it, i just hope it was just a misunderstanding and that it will all clear up and we will have a fresh start soon. I really do hope i get a long with her one day because she is, after all, my dad's wife.

ohhhhh, i almost forgot, she did say this that made me SUPER ANGRY..she said, "i don't really think i'm THAT pretty, but when i went to America 2 years ago, everybody was like 'you're so pretty, wow, you're so pretty' but personally, i didn't think i was THAT pretty. But i guess foreigners are like that, they believe everybody is pretty, *laughs* they're so stupid, that's why i hate western people" HELLO!!!! I come from a place called Canada, it's western....and your telling me that you hate foreigners.....ARGH!!!

ps....not everything i said she said are the exact words, but i keep a quote book so i can write down basically everything she says that hurts me, or that i find stupid/hurtful/funny in a stupid way/mean.

but i do hope the baby turns out alright...i hope she has good health, and i really really really hope that she becomes just the slightest nicer to me.

sorry for the ULTRA ULTRA ULTRA UBER long entry...hehe, i like to write, it's a good waste of time and it clears your head...yepyep, miss everyone a lot

Thank you guys so much! It's so important to me....And that random stupid person could just die in hell...i spent the rest of the wek in shanghai, actually just like 4 days, i have so much to write about i think i'll take a very long time...o well, i'll spread it over a few days or so. Anyways, i'll start by talking about my 4 day trip to Shanghai...

Tuesday:
I woke up at like 8:30. I knew the moment i wake up that i would have a lot to do. I went on the computer for a while to get rid of all my pictures in the camera. At 9 i ate breakfast. i packed the things i needed and waited for my dad to come home at 10. I didn't feel like talking to anybody so i stayed shut in the guest room. We got our stuff and left for the train station at 10-ish and the train came at 10:30. When we were at the train station....my stepmom kept wanting to lie down because she was feeling bad. The night before, i learned that the whole reason we were going to shanghai in the first place was so she can have a check up done on her baby. We were on the train for 3 and a half hours....and we had higher class tickets. The seats were cushioned, green and very comffy. But i was forced to sit in a completely different compartment with strangers because my dad agreed to switch seats with these two businessmen. I listened to music, read magazines, and slept for most of the time, i was tired....but i was also putting up with random glares and whispers at me. Everytime i come to live with my dad, they're always talking about me, all the time...pointing in my direction, whispering something about me in their language that they think i can't understand....looking at my every move as if i were something interesting on tv and talking about it....it's hard. They think i'm crazy. But i know my dad loves me very much, he would never talk ab9out me, behind my back...no i know that for a fact...but i don't even know what to say anymore.....just i'm mad, yet sad, yet unhappy, yet glad, yet pround, yet hateful. I don't know what to do....why the hell does she talk about me so much. am i THAT interesting? Anyways, we got off the train at 2:30, took a cab in the scorching hot weather to the best hospital in Shanghai. I waited for a very very very long time when they got a check up....why get a check up anyways back at home....is there something special about the hospital here? I waited while they checked on the baby...they discovered that the baby has a heartbeat....and since she already had two miscarriages, this baby was going to stay after all and after what happened to the last two. We then went back to the hotel and rested...we went out that night for dinner at a noodle house and it's really really yummy, then we went and dropped my stepmom back at the hotel because she obviously needed her rest and could not go on a walk with us. We went out that night, took pictures...the pictures turned out extremely crappy...and then came back.

I am full of mixed emothions right now....i have nothing else to feel. I spent a long time crying last night but i have no privacy here. My dad is talking about me right now to my stepmom...so many mixed feelings...

I came back from hangzou yesterday with my cousin's family and friends. It was fun, we climbed mountains and such...but we also visited my grandmother's grave. She was my favourite grandmother, she was always so caring and nice, and she was always there when i wanted her. I loved her a lot, and i still think of her sometimes, wishing that she were here with me. But these are things i can't change. I visited her grave and my name was on it. It was surprising because my dad's name was also on it, which i found it really odd. My parents never got along, they were divorced for almost 6 years now. I miss her. i brought her flowers and wished that she were looking down on us from heaven.

I came back to my grandpa's house shortly after the trip to hangzou, it's the last i'm gonna see him in a really long time. I hope he goes back to Canada some time. He's the only one that doesn't talk about me. Everyone else, like my dad is always talking about me and it makes me feel bad, what did i do to make you talk about me so much? It's not bad things, but nothing very good either. He's really nice to me and i know he loves me but it makes me feel unwanted and mix of different things at once...and it's a big change for staying with my grandpa because he didn't live with someone that changed my life at this point.

My dad got remarried, but it didn't surprise me, he's young and he should move on with his life. I knew that he was marrried, but i didn't know when or with who or anything. He never bothered to tell me. It was just that day on July 4th that he was picking me up from the airport and said, " did i ever tell you that i got married?" and i said no so he said, " oh well i did" So? at least you can tell me, it's not like i have anything against it or something, but at least it would kind of be nice and tell me about it, after all, i am your daughter. And getting married is not a bad thing. But then again, he never tells me anything at all, so at this point i don't even know my stepmother's name....i feel upset.

My dad came to pick me up from my grandpa's house yesterday night, and we went shopping for shoes. when i stayed at my grandpa's for two weeks, he told me that we were going to shanghai tomorrow to stay for 4 days because he had no other time. so i believed him...i try to think to myself that he's just taking some time out so that he could be with me and try to make up the time that we lost seeing each other for 2 months every 2 years....but i really wasn't thinking. Sad news begane to pour into me, so i'm just taking things in soo much stuff at the same time i don't know what to feel....

He told me before that my stepmother would be staying home if i went back to live with him because she was on a vacation, she was just merely taking time off work. But when i came yesterday, he told me that "by the way" your stepmom is pregnant, that's why she's staying home. I didn't know what to feel or say or do so i was just like hm....ok. But it seemed kind of unreal. They're both not really young anymore and it just seems so wierd having her pregnant. She's a nice person, but she kind of takes for granted what everyone treats her. She tries to change things in me that she finds not suitable. But everyone has their faults, i may have some qualities that you might not like, but i can't change it just for you because i obviously don't live with you. If it's something really annoying, i'll change myself, but otherwise, what can i do right? She tries to change my schedule to benefit hers and do stuff to benefit her. I have no problem with that, she's very nice, she very generous too...so i don't know what to feel.

Last night, i was unpacking from coming back from my grandpa's and my dad just stood there watching me and talking to me...i found it terrible that after i've been gone for so long, my stepmother didn't even get out and say hello or welcome my homecoming. I cried yesterday, for a really long time, until 2 in the morning, because i have no privacy to cry by myself during the day. I miss home and i watched beauty and the beast it said, "home is where the heart is" Where is my heart? it's sooo empty right now, i'm not in my right mind anymore. I miss my grandmother so much, my class, my friends, i'm so alone, it seems that people carried on with their lives and sort of forgot me.... I cried and cried, listened to music and cried more. very late at night, she came in to tell me to go to bed because tomorrow, i would have to wake up early...and i layed there wondering why i had to wake up early for a really long time. I couldn't figure it out. Perhaps it was to do something that she wanted me to do. And i fell asleep on a very wet pillow.

This wasn't the end, not even close.

Today, my stepmom stayed home with me while my dad went off to work. We talked and she told me things. She said that i was very much like my father, cheap, not generous and such. Not directly, but things like that, just in a nicer manner. I told her about my life back home. She told me i should marry someone chinese and look for someone who will make your children pretty. Look for someone with money. But everyone's different in their oppinions of people they like, i don't want my future to be decided for me, i want my life to be unexpecting and fun...that's what destiny is. i went through rest of the day singing sentimental songs that reminds me of home. I spent the rest of the afternoon watching movies and sitting there half taking in the story because my mind was so blank. At some points in the day, i would wonder if this is really happening. I was wondering if it was really going to end up like this, and wondering what else was going to come up. she was having morning sicknesses and being tired all the time. My father treats her like gold and cooks for her, brings her stuff, asks if she's all right. I wondered if her being pregnant is really good news, then why didn't he tell me sooner, why did he drop it in a conversation as if it was really casual. I'm sure everyone else already knows about it. But at that point, i wasn't even on earth, my mind was totally out...i just didn't know where.....

When my dad came home from work today, i told him i wasn't really up to a vacation to shanghai tomorrow. I would rather go sometime later this month...maybe to meet up with angela and see her...i haven't seen a person of my kind of ages. And i asked him why we had to go now, since he didn't ask me and we were "supposedly" going so i can go see what it looks like and how much it changed for the few years i've been here. He seemed to have a lotta time on his hands this month anyways, so i wondered. But before, he told me that we were going and on the way, since we're there, to have the doctor look at the baby...keyword: on the way....but today i received an answer really different. He told me that we were going just so she can have a look at the doctor there and on the way, we are going to have a vacation...he also told me that this was going to be the last time she is going to have a vacation since she is pregnant. But before, he said as if going for a vacation because i haven't been back so long was first priority, but now, it's as if she's first priority and it didn't fit into my schedule at all....I have no problem with going if he told me we were going to have a look on the baby first but just taking something like that so suddenly hurt. we were going and "on the way" have a vacation.

It was such a big shock....he seemed to have almost forgotten me after he married her...he didn't call as much and he was going to shanghai for her when i haven't been with him for nearly 6 years. It makes me sad because he was never like that to my mother....he always minded his own bussiness when my mother was pregnant with me....my mother had the measles when she was pregnant....i wonder why he didn't care as much...i could have died, my mother could have died, worse, we could have both died. before the divorce, my mom told me that she wasn't so lucky when she was pregnant, she told me that my dad was a good person, and that some things are not meant to be....i was young then, i didn't quite understand what was coming ahead of me....but i should have known. When my mom was pregnant, she was still cooking on the month of her labour, still cleaning, and having to get up at every little thing because no one would get it for her...my dad was too lazy and she told me that he thought that she would manage it on her own. But why all of a sudden this pregancy so important, what made one wife different from the other so much that he never bothered to care for one of them....i was raised ever sine i was an embryo by my grandparents, that was why i was so close to them....but only one month after i left for Canada, she left us....

i am crying right now....but i cant help it...if feels so good to say this even if nobody reads it...i don't care. After dinner, my stepmother told me that i couldn't see my friends at all when i'm here, that i have plenty of time to see everyone, that she was more important on the trip...that her happiness was more important then my friends...i disagree. So now, i have left all hopes of seeing angela or tina here, i'm sorry. maybe some other time....

She told me that my dad barely ever gets to see me and that my friends were just a waste of time....but then i wondered maybe she's just feeling bad because she's pregnant....so i forgive her for everything. But if seeing my dad and spending time with him was so important, why are we going to shanghai to waste five days just so we can go to the hospital when morning sickness and such is perfectly normal....

Everyone has been calling for her from my dad's family and her family......wishing her a good health.

I wish her a good health too.....the best...

I also wished that my mother had gotten the support during the pain of 9 months....but i guess it was just never meant to be....these things are things i can't change.

My eyes are burning....like fire behind my glasses....tears have run out, i don't even know why i should be crying. I have no reason...maybe i was just being stupid, yes that's a good theory.

My throat is so lumpy, i can't swallow or eat anything....maybe what i just discovered in the last two days maybe isn't really bad news after all.....i'm just maybe taking it badly....

I have no reason whatsoever......now it seems, i'm sure whoever reads this must think i'm really stupid.....

My stomache is full of butterflys...stinging it, so it's terrible.

My mind is completely blank..i don't know what to feel, i don't know what's real from what's not anymore...

I'm not myself right now....

Maybe i'll go listen to some music....and maybe lie down a little....please comment

i just realized that i'm not really being fair about saying what a bad time i had here. It's not that bad, i guess i'm so bored i'm just in a bad mood. My dad spent a lotta money buying the tickets here at the last minute and wanting to see me after 2 years of not seeing me. But everybody's working, and there's nobody to talk to it's just getting really really boring. China's a really cool place, there's all these cool stores and places you can go, but nobody really had the time to take me because everybody's working or busy catching up with homework...or can't drive. But it's not that bad. i'm sure that when my dad takes to shanghai, it'll be really cool because then he'll bring me shopping, to the zoo, etc, etc. But around this time of year, everybody's just soo caught up in their own bussiness.

Another reason why i think i'm bored or don't really fit in is because i've gone so long. people change when you haven't seen them in such a long time. It takes time to get used to, so i'm just complaining cuz to me, they all seem really different. But i'm different too, i'm sure it's not what they expected when they saw me...*sigh* I guess i should try harder to appreciate what everyone has done and know that they've done their best to entertain me. So i will not complain about how boring it is because i know everyone is busy. I will try to have fun here because i don't get to come very often and i should try to make the best of this vacation! I think i was just pms-ing. =P it'll be better once people come and once mhy dad is off work.

i'll also face the fact that i am different. But i'm in a different part of the world and these people have a "different" way of treating people that they don't see often. So they try to stay away from me....it's really annoying and wierd, but what can i do? It's not all that crappy after all, just the fact that everybody ignores me and they think i'm really "different" so they shouldnt make any contact with me at all and they stare because they think it's unusual or a chinese person to go to a different country and not know all that much chinese....basically they think its deranged to see a chinese person who is canadian i guess. Well, i have to admit that part is extremely annoying and crappy.

ps. but i really am bored...all the time

I am NOT having a good time here...
I am NOT able to fit in with people here...
I do NOT know enough chinese...
I am NOT happy with boredom....
I AM supposed to have fun...
however I am NOT having fun...
GR...i AM pissed

It's like i come from a different planet, people think i'm from outer space and they stare at me as if i have crap smeared all over my face....GR. People think i'm retarded....like i'm a different animal...honestly, it's just all crappy right now.

Whereever i go, it's like people would talk about me and when they know that i come from Canada, they think i'm like contaminated and that i will kill them if i touch them. so they get away from me. However if they see...whatever, i'm used to it now, so eat CRAP all of you.

some people are nice and i'll be soo glad when people come to china and we can call each other..YAY.

Now i am at my cousin's house....with his cousin over, and they're both like OLD...not old old, just like 18 old...and i have gum in my mouth that have lost all of its taste...i want to spit it out, but i cant because i don't wanna go outside to face them...so i will write as long as i possibly can and forget about them while i chew this disgusting piece of gum. *sigh* I read Harry Potter #5 like 4 times since i got here and i had to borrow my cousin's english copy of Harry Potter #6 and read it like 5 times (too much my head hurts and i've lost count. It's burning in here, and it's pouring outside.

GR....I'm starving..i haven't eaten anything in like 6 hours and i'm getting hungry....i want a big bowl of cookie n cream ice cream that i had at my house before i left...or strawberry ice cream (YUM)...or a bar of chocolate....yummier. I long for food. i don't even know when i'll eat even though it's only like 6.

Did i mention that i've gotten fatter over the period that i've been here. I'm eating these vitamins that my grandpa gave me...they're suppose to keep me healthy. But i think they've got something in them that give you an enormous appetite and eat and eat and eat and never stop. i eat more than my grandpa...which i find is kinda scary considering last year, when he came to visit us, i thought he ate a really large amount. UGH, I'm drugged to eat more so ppl cannot call me anorexic ever ever ever AGAIN considering i'm really fat now. I don't know how much i weigh...but i know it's a lot more than i weighed at the end of the year. I eat like 5 meals a day....i think more...chinese food is really good and my grandpa has this nanny and she cooks really good...i think she used to be a chef or somthing and it's sooooo YUMMY! Anyhoo, am fat fat fat fatter than i was before.....



Kk. I'm gonna go eat dinner now...YIPEE... happy summmer! miss ya guys.


~lubbs Jess
~peace~