I feel like I am teetering on the edge of something I cant explian
Like I'm choosing between living in this unconvetional and strangly beautiful realm. or yearning for conformity and normality.
neither equates to stability and thats whats got me perched, feeling ill with Vertigo.

Here I am, 'trying to be ruthless in the face of beauty'. Its nearly 2007, and tonight, because once again I sit at home alone with too much time on my hands, I'm thinking abput 2006. I can't decide if it has been a good year.

Its the year I've done the most changing, and perhaps the most 'growing up' .... Halfway through 2006, I changed big time, I know that, I can pin point it, its when I started 'seeing' James. I changed myself because I found he accpeted my 'weird' interests, and so did the people he introduced me to. It gave me the confidence to be what I wanted to be, rather than what was fed to me as 'happy and normal'. 6 months later.... Those people dont want to know me, I've pushed away the friends I had in the begginning of the year, I've changed so much, no one really knows who I am anymore, sometimes I wonder too.

I remember this time last year, I was on top of the world. I'd finished year 10, had a great group of friends, was the queen of my own social life, and looking foward to new years eve, enjoying the summer feeling. Growning confident in my looks.

This year I dont even know what Im doing. I dont have a 'group' anymore, just a few friends who all have thier own things going on. And my mind keeps going back to him. When we first met each other, everything was new, unique, fun, beautiful. The first time we kissed at his place, playing pool with a Placebo dvd playing the background.
The time he peicked me up on a school night and took me to a classical piano performance.
He took me to his friends party, loved me being there, held onto me.
The first time I had sex with him.
Then it was sex almost everytime we met. He still took me places, it reached its peak around that point.
Now she is coming back , in 2 weeks.
He no longer takes me out to places, says he will, but never does.
He sees me, has sex, and thats it.
And because It was so fucking nice to start with... and at times it still is... I go back.

The year has declined, and I'd give anything for those first few exciting months back.

Right now, I feel like I've got split personalities:
The girl that was a conventional , tenny bopper but a happy one, who changced herself for a relstionship, and now, is just so full of angst, and so fake.
OR
The girl who has gone off on her tangent, developed her own interests, is shy and interesting, who is loosing someone shes a little bit attatched to.

In short, Im hung up on two things: James and my lack of real friends. I live on this hope, that I just have to get through this year , get good marks, and Life will be blissful when I move to the city. Something tells me thats a fairytale expectation, but I never want to do anything to tell myself that.

In a way, I'd be more soothed, knwoing that next year, he'd be alone and feeling a bit empty to, but I know 100% that he wont be, she is coming back from the other side of the world, back to him, and I've been told and observed, those two have a connection so strong, no one can match it. I guess I was just a fill in. Bec says that he does care for me, so that abolishes many notions, because he has told her he cares about me, and he shows it too, I just dont know how to re act when he does.

I want more time with him, I really do, I want more time for both of us to be raw with each other.