Lost...Alone....and Scared

_insanityxbrk_ @ 2005-10-11T23:25:00

2005-10-12T03:26:05Z

_insanityxbrk_ @ 2005-10-04T02:34:00

2005-10-04T12:27:57Z

You-
You're my best friend. I love you to fucking death. I'd do anything for you. I'd die for you in a fucking heartbeat. You're the most amazing person I know, and I don't know what I'd do without you.

You,
It's over a year that you've been gone...and I'm still not sure how I made it this far without you...I guess it's becauseI had help...I miss you. I miss the way you would tell me I'd be locked in a closet til I was 30. I miss the way you'd yell, when you wanted the computer. I miss everything. Even the bad. You are my hero. . It's just too hard. Life is still a little bit of a mess right now...but we're holding on. You've missed your grandson's birth, although I'm sure you saw it from up above. And then I go and think about getting married, and I think about how I'm not going to have anyone escort me down the aisle, just because it would dishonor you. And I can't do that. I know that I have a while to wait before I'm going to get married, but I'm still thinking about it. I've been wondering if you're happy with the way my life is now. I'm not sure I'll ever know that. The first question to myself is always, does he seem like someone my dad will approve of? And if they don't, I don't think I could be with him. I wonder if you'd like Dave. Not looking at him right now. . because I don't even like him that much. I think you'd really enjoy Bray though. You need to be here with us. But you're forever in heaven, so we'll have to see you when we make it there...I'm always going to miss you. I think the fall is the hardest because you loved it so much. Tuesday, when we're remembering you, we plan to fly kites, the one thing you seemed to really love. I just wish that we'd been able to do it more last year. You were always gone. Well, I should go now before anyone hears me crying. I love you, and miss you . . .

_insanityxbrk_ @ 2005-08-27T13:55:00

2005-08-27T17:55:48Z

_insanityxbrk_ @ 2005-08-15T23:26:00

2005-08-16T03:34:03Z

Hey Dave,
Wow. You're leaving soon. Gone to college and you're going to have so much fun and meet so many people. I'm still going to be here, thinking about you everyday, wondering what you're doing. You're going to be gone, and honestly it scares me so much. The truth is David, I love you, and I know you know, but I don't think you know just how much. I love your smile. I love kissing you, and when you hug me before you leave, and everytime I see you. . you ask "miss me?" and I love how you know you don't have to bother asking that because you already knew I did so much. And I love your eyes. They're so beautiful, and I loved the nights at the lake. You make me feel so amazing and indescribable. I love how you always act so goofy, even though it irritates me often. And that one night. And the playground. To put it simple, I love everything about you, forever. I've tried so hard to forget this feeling you give me, but nobody else gives it to me. And now that you're leaving. .I'm scared that you won't want to come back. I miss you now. You're amazing. So amazing. I needed to tell you this. . I needed to tell you that you're so much to me.
I'm not going to forget you. Please don't forget me. Please visit like you said you would.

_insanityxbrk_ @ 2005-07-22T16:01:00

2005-07-22T20:01:43Z

I may smile at older people. . but I'm thinking,
"Why are you alive, and not my parents?"

_insanityxbrk_ @ 2005-07-22T14:49:00

2005-07-22T18:49:40Z

I refuse for you to get away with everything.
I'm completely sick of it, and you need to grow up.

_insanityxbrk_ @ 2005-07-18T14:18:00

2005-07-18T18:21:08Z

Dear Self,
Quit crying. Dave is the only one who cares about you, and by now you should know that. No one wants to be your friend. And no one wants to talk to you. It's less disappointing when you quit trying. There's no point in eating anymore, maybe that way you might feel a little bit better about your self.
Keep running. Run from your past, from your present, from your future, that is, if it makes you feel better.
Quit telling yourself you aren't depressed. Admit it, you are. Go get fucked up. Go smoke.

_insanityxbrk_ @ 2005-06-19T19:37:00

2005-06-19T23:39:06Z

I know I'm going to be okay. I know I'm going to be alright.
Things are looking up.
I completely doubted everything, up 'til now.
I'm happy. That's a good thing.
I've been introduced to a lot of people, they're pretty cool too.
And the ones that were dicks before? They've gotten better.
I'm liking everything.
I don't want to die. I don't want to kill myself.
And I can finally say that without it being a lie.
This is what I've been looking for.

_insanityxbrk_ @ 2005-06-08T23:41:00

2005-06-09T03:42:00Z

all he could think about was "I'm too young for this."
got my whole life ahead.
hell I'm just a kid myself.
how'm I gonna raise one.

all he could see were his dreams goin' up in smoke.
so much for ditchin' this town and hangin' out on the coast.
oh well,

those plans are long gone.

and he said,

there goes my life.

there goes my future, my everything.
might as well kiss it all good-bye.
there goes my life..

a couple years of up all night and a few thousand diapers later.
that mistake he thought he made covers up the refrigerator.
oh yeah...

he loves that little girl.

momma's waiting to tuck her in,
as she fumbles up those stairs.
she smiles back at him dragging that teddy bear.
sleep tight, blue eyes and bouncin' curls.

he smiles..

there goes my life.

there goes my future, my everything.
I love you, daddy good-night.
there goes my life.

she had that Honda loaded down.
with Abercrombie clothes and 15 pairs of shoes and his American Express.
he checked the oil and slammed the hood, said

you're good to go.

she hugged them both and headed off to the West Coast.

and he cried,

there goes my life.
there goes my future, my everything.
I love you.
baby good-bye.

there goes my life.
there goes my life.

baby good-bye.

_insanityxbrk_ @ 2005-06-03T06:18:00

2005-06-03T17:15:51Z

I love him with everything I have. I'm so thankful that he's stayed here with me through all this shit, and all the shit I've caused.
Don't ever let me hear you say I don't love this kid again. 'Cause seriously, you're fucking hitting a nerve. I have no patience for bullshit anymore. I have other things to worry about. . more important things.
I love you. I admire you. I adore you. I look up to you. You're always here for me. You're always genuinely happy for me. You're my sanity. You're my best friend. I'd be so lost without you. You always stand by my side, you let me cry on your shoulder, and you celebrate with me when I'm happy. I'm trying my hardest to do the same thing for you. I'm trying - I just hope I'm trying enough. You deserve so much more than anyone will ever be able to give you, but you're happy with what you do get. You're amazing. You're so much more than I ever deserved.

Dear eyes,
Stop tearing up. I don't want to cry right now.

_insanityxbrk_ @ 2005-05-30T23:45:00

2005-05-31T03:49:27Z

I miss you so much right now. I need you more than ever. I wish I could just talk to you one last time and maybe I could get things straightened out in my mind. Everything is so confusing right now, and I know that if you were here you could help me. I wonder what you would say to me now. I wonder if you would be proud, or disappointed. How would you feel? What would you say to me in the hospital? Would you forgive me for loving him? I need a male's perspective right now. Other than Dave's. . and well, it seems like there really isn't anyone else who is so "thrilled" into helping me. I wish I could get one more hug from you. I wish I could hear you say you love me again. It's so hard without you here. You meant so much to me. I'm sorry for those few stupid fights we used to get into. I'm sorry for not being the daughter I should have been. Please forgive me for getting myself into this situation. I didn't mean for my life to end up like this. I hope you'd understand. I miss you, dad. I really do. I'd give anything to hear you say you love me.

Braylon- stay strong. . please. You can do this. I love you.
David- oh my God. I don't think there's enough words in this world to describe how thankful I am to have found you. Seriously. I wouldn't have made it through these past nine months without you. Yeah, we had our difficulties, and situations, but we got through them. And I'm so happy for that. Thank you so much for being there for me, thank you for staying with me. I love you so much.
Kris- Thanks. We can do this, right?
Grant- Thank. . you know why.
Jay- . . . I don't know what to say.

_insanityxbrk_ @ 2005-05-29T14:28:00

2005-05-29T18:28:59Z

Braylon Jonathan Enright.

_insanityxbrk_ @ 2005-05-21T00:23:00

2005-05-21T04:40:31Z

Uhm. . I guess I got tagged? . . by Jay of course.

1. James Taylor- Sweet Baby James
2. Spill Canvas- Black Dresses
3. Nirvana- Oh the Guilt
4. Our Lady Peace- Innocent
5. Alkaline Trio- Tuck Me In
6. Our Lady Peace- A Story About A Girl

_insanityxbrk_ @ 2005-05-17T21:41:00

2005-05-18T01:41:50Z

"It's Everyone's Fault But Mine"

Everything has got a sense of permanence attached to it,
sucks you in and feeds you until finally you're used to it.
And now you're so dependent.
Now you're so defensive.
Now you're finding reasons why they're all wrong.
So in love with all your vices.
You can't change or move on.
And it comes to this,
such tragic endings.
You shake your fist,
just stop pretending.
It comes to this,
such tragic endings.
It's hit or miss,
just stop pretending now.
Everyone keeps asking you "what exactly happened?"
You've got all these excuses but
you don't have an answer
because you don't know yourself,
you don't know your own weaknesses.
You're always innocent
because you're never honest.
So wrapped up in your perspective.
Morality has become an opinion.
It comes to this,
such tragic endings.
You shake your fist,
just stop pretending.
It comes to this,
such tragic endings.
It's hit or miss,
just stop pretending now.
You wanted to be left alone
but you wanted someone to say
"I'm always here for you"
but you can't have it both ways.
Now no one knows what you've done.
No one knows what you've done.
No one knows what you've done
and it's just as well.
The only thing that comforts me is
knowing that you'll never be happy.

_insanityxbrk_ @ 2005-05-16T01:48:00

2005-05-16T05:48:55Z

I wish I’d spent more time with my dad when he was alive
Now I don't have the chance
And I wish I'd told my brother how much I loved him before he left
But I just shook his hand
I wish I’d gone to church on Sunday morning when my grandma begged me to
But I was afraid of God
I wish I would of listened when they said you're gonna wish you hadn't
But I wouldn't
Oh I, I’d done a lot of things different

_insanityxbrk_ @ 2005-05-16T01:27:00

2005-05-16T05:29:28Z

Don't try to hide the fact that you actually are a whore. . why bother?
Shit spreads hun. Face it.
Are you gonna hide your amazing prom weekend?
It won't be hidden for long. .

_insanityxbrk_ @ 2005-05-11T23:18:00

2005-05-12T03:19:02Z

I remember daddy's hands folded silently in prayer
and reaching out to hold me when I had a nightmare
you could read quite a story in the caluses and lines
years of work and worry had left their mark behind

I remember daddy's hands how they held my momma tight
and patted my back for something done right
there are things that i've forgotten that I loved about the man
but I'll always remember the love in daddy's hands

Daddy's hands were soft and kind when I was cryin
Daddy's hands were hard as steel when I'd done wrong
Daddy's hands weren't always gentle but I've come to understand
there was always love in daddy's hands

I remember daddy's hands working til they bled
sacrificed unselfishly just to keep us all fed
If I could do things over, I'd live my life again
and never take for granted the love in daddy's hands

_insanityxbrk_ @ 2005-05-08T15:03:00

2005-05-08T19:06:21Z

Things to do:
1. Get a job. . if Dave allows me to.

2. Look for a place to live, if that's what we decide to do.

3. Get back in school. . .maybe.

4. Don't always depend on everyone else.

5. Start being happy. . somehow.

6. Don't neglect the kid.

7. Stay away from making stupid mistakes.

_insanityxbrk_ @ 2005-05-05T00:03:00

2005-05-05T04:07:18Z

Dear Me,
Kindly shut the hell up. Stop being so paranoid. He. Likes. You. He told you so. Why are you so damn worried, you freak?
This is the closest you've been to in love with someone. You were so sure that he was the one. No, he is the one. Sure, you've said it to guys before, but this one is real, and you've never felt like this before. Keep him.

Another thing. Why have you been pondering cutting again recently? You fucking idiot.
Stop being so cold and shiny and available. Stop looking like such a good friend. Stop reminding me that you've been there for me any other time I've hurt like this. Stop trying to convince me that I can hide the cuts and scars for prom. Stop making me remember that you can help me forget the tears and the pain.

_insanityxbrk_ @ 2005-04-27T20:48:00

2005-04-28T02:52:11Z

You're a fucking brother to me. . .Ive already lost one, and I'm not going to lose another one.

I'm fucking down right scared, I'm nowhere near to having a clue.

_insanityxbrk_ @ 2005-04-25T23:37:00

2005-04-26T03:38:17Z

Logan.
Hunter.
Caden.
Tucker.
Blake.
Caleb.
Dylan.
Hayden.
Dustin.
Dagan.
Braylon.

Blake Tucker.
Blake Logan.
Logan Hunter.
Dylan Jonathan.
Dustin Jonathan.
Caleb Jonathan.
Caleb Christopher.

_insanityxbrk_ @ 2005-04-18T05:12:00

2005-04-18T16:33:08Z

What happened to the old you, the real you?

_insanityxbrk_ @ 2005-04-10T01:44:00

2005-04-10T05:46:28Z

You aren't going to be his first, his last, or his only.
He's cared about someone else before and he will again,
but if he cares for you right now what else matters?
He's not perfect, you aren't either and the two of you will never be perfect.
But if he can make you laugh at least once,
hold onto him and give him the most you can.

But watch out. . he won't take your shit anymore.

_insanityxbrk_ @ 2005-04-09T17:23:00

2005-04-10T01:23:59Z

You're always trying to be everything to everyone.

_insanityxbrk_ @ 2005-04-07T04:51:00

2005-04-07T16:43:55Z

Okay. Now you're proving to yourself and everyone that you're just falling back on whatever guy will take you. One guy gets upset with you because you're doing something you shouldn't be doing, and you know he's right. . so you go to someone who thinks still likes you. Yeah, sure. . maybe he does.
Maybe you are a whore. Oh Dear.

I think you are in love with falling in love. . no matter how much you deny it. "Oh, I try not to like everyone because I don't want to get hurt." Bull fucking shit.

You're going to force him to hate you so much. . then you're gonna go crying to someone who is sick of you going to him only when something isn't going your way. . don't even think about coming to me.

Lost...Alone....and Scared

_insanityxbrk_ @ 2005-10-11T23:25:00

_insanityxbrk_ @ 2005-10-04T02:34:00

_insanityxbrk_ @ 2005-08-27T13:55:00

_insanityxbrk_ @ 2005-08-15T23:26:00

_insanityxbrk_ @ 2005-07-22T16:01:00

_insanityxbrk_ @ 2005-07-22T14:49:00

_insanityxbrk_ @ 2005-07-18T14:18:00

_insanityxbrk_ @ 2005-06-19T19:37:00

_insanityxbrk_ @ 2005-06-08T23:41:00

those plans are long gone.

there goes my life.

he loves that little girl.

there goes my life.

she had that Honda loaded down.with Abercrombie clothes and 15 pairs of shoes and his American Express.he checked the oil and slammed the hood, said

you're good to go.

she hugged them both and headed off to the West Coast. and he cried,

there goes my life.there goes my future, my everything.I love you.baby good-bye.there goes my life.there goes my life.

baby good-bye.

_insanityxbrk_ @ 2005-06-03T06:18:00

_insanityxbrk_ @ 2005-05-30T23:45:00

_insanityxbrk_ @ 2005-05-29T14:28:00

_insanityxbrk_ @ 2005-05-21T00:23:00

_insanityxbrk_ @ 2005-05-17T21:41:00

_insanityxbrk_ @ 2005-05-16T01:48:00

_insanityxbrk_ @ 2005-05-16T01:27:00

_insanityxbrk_ @ 2005-05-11T23:18:00

_insanityxbrk_ @ 2005-05-08T15:03:00

_insanityxbrk_ @ 2005-05-05T00:03:00

_insanityxbrk_ @ 2005-04-27T20:48:00

_insanityxbrk_ @ 2005-04-25T23:37:00

_insanityxbrk_ @ 2005-04-18T05:12:00

_insanityxbrk_ @ 2005-04-10T01:44:00

_insanityxbrk_ @ 2005-04-09T17:23:00

_insanityxbrk_ @ 2005-04-07T04:51:00

she had that Honda loaded down.
with Abercrombie clothes and 15 pairs of shoes and his American Express.
he checked the oil and slammed the hood, said

she hugged them both and headed off to the West Coast.

and he cried,

there goes my life.
there goes my future, my everything.
I love you.
baby good-bye.

there goes my life.
there goes my life.