the accidental existentialist

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risforridiculous@gmail.com — Fri, 26 Sep 2008 06:29:31 GMT

i can't stop listening to vampire weekend and the new death cab for cutie album. um. wut ? rebecca circa 2002, you've been hiding deep inside me all along ! i can't say that i'm happy about it, but i also certainly can't complain

i am very chaotic these days, but still, feel very at peace. interesting how that works. eye of the storm, i suppose. i feel like i used to feel; all i want to do is stretch out in a bed of grass and bask in sunlight and the love of my friends.

i'm glad that over the years i have learned how to love people. and how to let them love me. it's a nice skill to accquire, although practice makes perfect as they say

i kind of miss my old glasses. think i should go back ?????

i have become such a webcam whore since i bought this computer. oh well. i mean, i used to be a total *regular* cam-whore back in the day .. so the fact that i've become lazy and disinterested with age combined with the fact that it's a fixed camera right in front of me that i don't have to upload photos from ... well, i suppose it's an obvious conclusion one could come to.

i have taken some real pictures that i look forward to uploading and sharing with you lovely people. i am happy with myself as a photographer now. liekkkk i am actually somewhat confident. imagine that ! oh wow, golly gee wiz. adult life and having a skill can actually be affirming ! wow, life IS like the movies sometimes .. ;)

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risforridiculous@gmail.com — Mon, 01 Sep 2008 05:06:06 GMT

late summer is making some very lasting impressions here the past couple of days. perpetual sunshine coupled with light breezes - man, it's almost enough to turn an autumnal lover's heart turn.

ah, well. fall will be here soon enough and i will of course fall into place as usual. i am being more active in my life so far (two days in, oh wow, oh gee), both creatively and physically. am i always saying that now ? perhaps. but perhaps that is just fine !

i got a new haircut to match my "new outlook"

it's quite a bit shorter. please ignore the goof face !

it's not really a "new outlook" as much as it is a refreshed or refocused one. or at least that's what i'm telling myself. it's funny how some people choose to be in denial about being happy. so glad to be one of those people, really i am, thank you all very much ~

ps. livejournal cuts suck butt. forget that !

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risforridiculous@gmail.com — Thu, 28 Aug 2008 16:28:11 GMT

my throat and eyes are itchy with dust from the past.

i like to think that i've changed a lot, but i don't really know if i have deep down.
or maybe it's regression. i hear that happens sometimes to people like me.
whoever the people like me are.

i'm still in love with everyone and think everyone's in love with me. old habits die hard, i suppose.

219

risforridiculous@gmail.com — Sun, 15 Jun 2008 04:15:53 GMT

wellllllll i can happily report that things are going smoothly and happy etc etc etc

i have been keeping myself very busy and drinking lots of water and being very nice and sweet with the boy and walking everyday and reading again and watching less tv.

things are good. so nice to say that. oh, and i think i want to paint again. i've been having a lot of ideas ~ a lot of creative energy and creative projects have been coming my way: webcomic ideas and web design ideas and painting and short stories, oh my ! i just hope i don't forget everything before it's too late ... i do have quite a habit of that ...

so i have been working a lot and then blowing a lot of money. everyone loves pictures, so come see what i have bought myself recently:

i bought the bag of my dreams as a birthday gift to myself. however, it will not ship until aug 3rd, so...it's more like a belated happy summer/back to school gift to myself. either way i am spoiling .. myself. oh well:

today i bought three dresses that cost me waaay too much, but i love them. there are these two:

and then one more that i can't find a picture of on the website. i think i am going to return one of them very soon i just need to figure out which one it's going to be.

and then .... tonight i have ordered something i have been blabbing about for months ! a moleskine planner.

i am displeased that the 18month two page week view in red is non-existent. for that matter, it's fairly non-existent in black as well. i have settled for the large, 18month hardcover 1 page week view (with one page of notes) instead. oh well perfection takes time and i need a new planner - it might as well be something that will not get crushed in my bag/backpack/everywhereelse

in addition to all that, i got a tablet for my birthday, so when i'm not busy (which i am a lot of the time, really) i get to play with that. a good outlet for all of these creative vibrations in my body

let's seeeeeeeeee what else. oh ! here is a list of things i plan on doing / accomplishing this summer as everyone loves a list !

- get a personal website / portfolio up
- start a webcomic off of said site and update regularly (at least three times a week!)
- keep in touch with all of my friends (i am really bad at this ~ calling people, etc but i am going to do it if it kills me because i really care about these people and i need them to .. know it !)
- finish nancy's bag website and have it launched by the end of summer
- annual beach house trip with friends from home (this group shrinks every year but somehow i really don't mind and still always look forward to this)
- take a vacation with the boy alone (our first alone vacation !! i think we are going to go to london. just so you know)
- help my parents ebay all the stuff they dont want away
- donate / throw out everything else in my childhood home (we are going to get ORGANIZED this year)
- help my dad rebuild the garage roof
- save as much $$ as possible to do all of these things (clearly, i should NOT be buying dresses, but that's okay i was feeling frumpy today and needed to .. not.)
- keep my apartment space as clean and organized as humanly possible (hard to do with all the construction going on downstairs, but i really want to do this)

and so on and so forth. so much going on ~ but i can't complain. it's all a very happy buzz of activity*

*yes i am still on the train of love, and yes there is still time for you to hop onnnn

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risforridiculous@gmail.com — Thu, 05 Jun 2008 17:26:20 GMT

do you ever have food in your house that you think "hey this should be moldy, but it's not" ?

these bagels are several weeks old. i bought bread at the same time as these bagels and the bread went bad almost two weeks ago and got thrown out.

now i am thinking, well, there's no mold, so i could easily eat one. but on the other hand, there is clearly something wrong if these bagels are going on, what, five weeks and they're perfectly fine ? and i didn't seal the bag super tight either. i just twisted the end of it.

maybe i will just keep them until one goes moldy. it could be like the seventh grade science fair all over again !

hmm .. so many options ... it is so hard to be me sometimes.

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risforridiculous@gmail.com — Wed, 26 Mar 2008 04:08:42 GMT

somehow there is glue on the end of my hair. and i guess there's a lot of it. and i thought i got it all when i cut a big chunk out, but apparently i didn't. it's right near my face so it's all hard and crunchy and smells like super glue. this reminds me of the time that i cut my hair when i was a kid and i freaked out and glued it together so it wouldn't get everywhere and threw it under the day bed on the porch of my grandparent's summer home. my mom found it (and obviously saw the huge chunk of hair missing) and could never decide if i had cut my hair and tried to glue it back on or if i had gotten glue in my hair and cut it because of this. i want to call her and tell her this story now, and the parallels of my life, and how i'm still really four years old but it's too late and we're all just too damn tired, rebecca. really.

my dad is having very serious back surgery next week. i think i am being insensitive to him about it. maybe i'm just upset and dealing with it all wrong. but honestly, what is the right way to deal with a very serious surgery?

ps. my internet sucks again and it's driving me nuts ~~and i'm just looking for any reason to latch on to to justify my depression, so the fact that my internet isn't working is perfect.~~ and the fact that i can't force myself to read a book i should want to read is also killing me. NA MEAN ?

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risforridiculous@gmail.com — Wed, 05 Mar 2008 04:00:06 GMT

things are going well. lights at the end of the tunnel and all that jazz. etc etc etc, the happy stuff is coincidentally the boring stuff

imagine that

reminiscing is great. i have plans for more in april. if all goes well *cryptic*

oh, ps. i got a tumblr. a whole new way to stalk me ! damn i was going to try to erase my internet fingerprint, but it doesn't look like i'm doing too well .....

ps. this is what i look like now:

just in case you forgot / were curious / still give a damn. i know i find it hard to sometimes.

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risforridiculous@gmail.com — Tue, 26 Feb 2008 06:35:22 GMT

i always find it odd that nighttime drags out the best thoughts and lyricisms and isms from me. if only the hand were as fast as the brain ! if only i could grasp those flickering embers of thought - breaking off and suffocating in the cool expanse of night.

interesting how potent the mind can be when all you want it to do is stop

even about stupid things ... the song "beach chair" by jay-z

he says "life is but a beach chair" and i find myself thinking what is the purpose of this metaphor ?
what is jay z trying to tell me about life ? i think okay, qualities of a beach chair ... cold and metal and flimsy ... and on paper easily portable but in real life quite awkward and cumbersome to carry ... light and easily blown away ....

i mean i guess it works. but i can't help but feel that that's a stretch. whatever. i like jay z. i kind of think he is pretty ... good. i dont know

but this is my life now. life is but a beach chair. i guess.

* * *

i can't help but think of us. and all the shoulds and what ifs and all these expectations and standards just flood my mind and i get nervous and scared and maybe you should explore other women and maybe i should explore other boys, men, whatever, but i can't think of really wanting to and i cant think of you wanting to and it's all just a jumbled mess.

"do you think he and i will get married?"
"i think that you think you guys will get married"
"....i dont know what i think"

but the thing is ... i kind of do think that. or i guess i secretly hope it. and then i hate myself for it. is it necessary. will you regret me ? i wish we met later in life. i wish we had a better story. i wish i had a better memory and i wish you would be more honest with me. i wish i was more honest with you instead of just saying that i am. i just want to read in bed with you. and hold hands and whisper to you and be in your arms and have it all be perfect and okay

why must we hate the comfortable, why must the movement, chaos, etc etc etc etc be so seductive? i dont know. it can't be coincidence that i don't feel like my life is spinning when we are together so why am i constantly trying to make you spin ?

* * *

this is totally unrelated but i need to write it down to remember it:

- i realized that im so used to people trusting me and me being honest with them that i just expect them to be honest with me. and it's so funny that after everything - i am still so naive and innocent in a way. it must be tied to my poor memory facilities, it has to be. or maybe i am really just very stupid

- that is a rough idea of what i am trying to say. but i need to not forget it. i will elaborate more on this at some point. to myself. or somewhere. i need memory.

+/-

i have a lot on my mind i guess. i was doing so well to be normal. actually doing homework, eating again (after almost two weeks of not or barely), cleaning and being in a clean space, (planning on) going to work, etc etc etc and here i am. trying to sleep but being too hot and trying to push all the ghosts out of bed. they are always in bed with me. and i think that's why it is so much easier to share a bed with him. with a boy and love there is no room for ghosts

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risforridiculous@gmail.com — Thu, 21 Feb 2008 06:47:09 GMT

i have been becoming increasingly impatient and forgetful and losing my ability to spell and use proper grammar and retain what i read.

i dont know what it means. but i really kinda don't like it.

granted, since it seems that nothing i do changes how people perceive me (positively) it has led me to apathy and now i am apathetic to changing anything as i will continue to be okay until some thing happens.

ah, vicious cycles, how i love thee

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risforridiculous@gmail.com — Tue, 05 Feb 2008 04:55:38 GMT

drama drama drama ambiguous shit --> and it's less meaningful in real life than it is in my head (probably)

tonight i had three sips of coffee and a cupcake for dinner. is this the new age depression ? if so, i am not very pleased. i liked my high school depression better in which i would stop eating and sometimes take odd pills i found in the backs of drawers and melt into the floor listening to needles scratching vynil records. much better

after visiting uconn i decided i really want to bring my record player / records up to boston. only they're heavy and it's idealistic and stupid and not indicative of my life here. i am always imagining myself as someone completely different. perhaps someday i should really pin down who i am. as if i am a concrete thing

ummm yep. other than that i'm in love with the ideal "superfluous man" only since he's superfluous i guess it can't really be love. maybe if i decide to become the archetype for the superfluous woman we can live in superfluous happiness which i suppose, wouldnt be very happy at all, but i can imagine and super impose all i want thank you very much.

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risforridiculous@gmail.com — Mon, 28 Jan 2008 06:20:32 GMT

i will gladly do anything if i don't have to write about 19th century european women anymore. five papers in less than two weeks is just too much.

seriously. i'm ready to eat my own eyeball if it means that i dont have to write another response on how industrialization changed women's work.

seriously. i wish i was kidding.

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risforridiculous@gmail.com — Mon, 21 Jan 2008 04:00:13 GMT

i really really love pop tarts. i dont buy them because they are so ungodly bad for my health, but i do enjoy them. when i came back to boston i brought back lots of my favorite cereal and my dad slipped a poptart into one of the bags. i noticed it the day i got back here (after my parents had left) but kept it there as if to let it be. i am eating it now. it is my emergency poptart. not that right now is an emergency, but i just felt like one. i am thinking that life would be so nice if i could just eat blueberry poptarts and those all nut granola bars i like and cranberry-grapefruit vitamin water. how divine ! but unfortunately, one cannot persist for very long on those three items. i wouldnt think anyways. maybe they could. maybe i'll find out

i have been very busy lately and although it is a bit hard, it is pretty nice. i an too good at time management sometimes. or at least too good at making people believe me so even when i'm not good at time management it all works out anyways. oh well. whatever. it's been all meetings and all work. i hope i do not convince myself out of reading. i have a lot of reading to do this semester but i know i will try to justify my way out of it. it is my goal to not trick myself (easier said than done, believe me).

i got last.fm. i love it. it makes me listen to more music. i'm pissed that it uploaded my history because it has 145 plays of snow patrols 'chasing cars' from a time when i was sad and that song meant something to me and i listened to it on repeat. and now everything is all skewed because of it and i hate my profile in a way and want to start over. but im going to man up and keep going and get all my other numbers up and make 145 seem like 5 in the big scheme of things

i have a fiction writing workshop this semester and i am so excited to actually write fiction again. i got nervous and thought i couldnt do it anymore since i havent in so long .. but i started today and it came right back. riding a bike. only im not good a riding a bike so ... like remembering the tv channels or something like that. well i dont know.

here is me with a unibrow. enjoy:

this really looks nothing like me it's almost weird / scary. oh well, it's me i can't deny it.

p.s. if you have last.fm, add me !! http://www.last.fm/user/liekforserious/

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risforridiculous@gmail.com — Wed, 16 Jan 2008 05:28:06 GMT

1. i have been listening to cat power's cover of "sea of love" on repeat for the past two days now. i don't know what my subconscious is trying to tell me by yearning this song so dearly, but if i'm not a fucking sea of love by the end of the week then i'll be a monkey's uncle.

2. i should be a lot more freaked out for my life (in the next two weeks) than i am right now. i think this might be a good thing that i'm not - but of course, me the over analyzer is reading way way into it. emotional coma, here i come !!

3. i would love to share with you a recent photo of myself but apparently i've been camera shy lately. i really hope the snow is still pretty tomorrow because i want to go take pictures of it (and maybe one or two of myself). but i'm not promising anything because tomorrow is going to be insane. meetings for work and first day of classes afterall. granted, snowy pictures might take precedent if i acted in a truly unruly fashion - but i don't. so there. and you love me anyways. don't you ? you do. haha

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risforridiculous@gmail.com — Wed, 09 Jan 2008 07:12:16 GMT

1. i am back in boston now and things are good. i'm here by myself for a week and it's pretty good so far, it turns out i dont mind living alone. (like duh, of course i wouldn't. how anti-social could i be ! hah)

2. in terms of news, some of you may or may not know that brice got me a hedgehog for christmas. yes, a real live hedgehog. and now i will shower you with pictures, i hope you are prepared.

her name is penny. although she often goes by 'prickly penny'.

as you can tell she is quite the model. and that is her TAIL get yo mind out of the gutter, people.

in her ball !

someone's got a bit of an attitude, what can i say

i really like this one. idk, something about the way she's sitting. haha

checking out the blanket, havin a good time.

myspace pixxx

exploring the top of the couch

slipping down the side of the cushion. such an explorer !!

she's both a lover and a fighter. just like me ahhahahaaha

tiny chog teeth !! ahh omg.

well that's her ! she's super cute and curious and wants to explore everything. she's so so friendly and barely ever gets up into a prickly ball anymore. she really truly is adorable and such a nice companion to have. she's fairly low maintenence - she has a litter box in her little cage and runs in her wheel and has a ball that she explores the apartment in.

she eats all kinds of stuff too -- her favorites are probably eggs and chicken (yes chicken !). they can eat all sorts of high protein foods, but those are the most sucessful ones i've tried. she also really likes all sorts of fruits and vegetables so she's really easy to feed. i'm sorry if i'm gushing, but i'm just excited about her. haha

3. things are going really well between brice and i. just so you know. i know i tend to make it out to see rocky - but it really never is. he's too good to me i will tell you that much. really he is. but i adore him and he's started his new job and we are seeing a lot of eachother this week which is nice because we had so little alone time over the holidays with his hectic schedule.

4. overall, i am feeling very good. things are settling back into their normalcy and i am loving it. i am trying to alter my eating habits and remove all the excess sugars, fats, whatevers from it. it's not in line with a resolution, i just want to um. EAT BETTER, idk. there's no real goal other than that

5. i got suckered into going into this gym sign up thing today and i got out of the sign up but i didnt think on my feet and put my real social security number on the app sheet. i'm really nervous i'm going to have my identity stolen now. is that an irrational fear or what ? i just want to cry really. i think i will go down there tomorrow and just say that i changed my mind and would like to have my form back. i kept thinking of elaborate excuses to tell these people, but i realized i can just say IM NOT INTERESTED. i dont know why i feel the need to explain things to everyone - even the people that i do not need to. i am going to be less of a sucker, really someday.

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risforridiculous@gmail.com — Mon, 15 Oct 2007 03:26:34 GMT

um. i just found out that i live across the street from kenny g. yes, the greatest smooth jamz sax player the 90's ever saw, kenny g. i can see into his house right now. i know what kind of car he drives. this is awesome.

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risforridiculous@gmail.com — Wed, 10 Oct 2007 04:43:38 GMT

so. i love everything !!!!!! wow. i feel super anime ( ^__^ ) after writing that. but srsly, things are great

i love my classes so so so so so much. i feel like a real person, ones with thoughts and emotions and opinions too ! it's so weird to feel energy pumping through my veins for once. i actually want to wake up in the morning ! isn't that a nice surprise ? i think so

well i have been very busy since i've moved into my apartment. parties, working, catching up with friends, homework, having fun with kerry, fighting with kerry, hating kerry's guts, making up with kerry, fixing the internet/every other technical problem a person could ever have, ever, seeing rilo kiley with nancy (!!!) shopping with nancy, paying bills, using my credit card, cooking dinner every night, all sorts of boring domestic stuff that i find so exciting because it's all new and great to me ! (plus, granted, if you really read my journal this is the bread and butter of life i've been yearning ever since freshman year of high school, so, it's sort of to be expected.

i got a new job and i absolutely love it. i'm a production assistant to media services here at suffolk and it's just like. the coolest position ever. not only do i get coffee and set up amazing technology for meetings, i also get to be part of a team that cares about my opinion and wants my input on projects ! I AM NINETEEN YEARS OLD HOW DID I LAND A JOB WHERE PEOPLE WITH SOME DEGREE OF POWER ACTUALLY CARE WHAT I HAVE TO SAY WTF KARMA RLY WORKS I GUESS just. ohmygosh. today was my first day and i was pretty amped about it. and still am. granted, tomorrow i have the grueling task of quitting my flowershop job (which is okay because the shop is moving anyways) but that good ol catholic in me won't let me do it without a huge guilt trip. oh well, i have to put myself first in this instance. it is afterall, my potential future slash CAREER.

ps. i have an unhealthy obsession with cleaning out my spam in my gmail. i dont know why i am getting spam all of a sudden, nevermind so much, but i do enjoy having something i can be ocd over and have no one get mad at me.

pps. i'm so glad i actually got off my bum this year and took pictures outside in the commons/gardens before it got cold (today). the compression of these suck because i made them small for LJ but they are actually pretty nice in HQ. not that it matters, i just wanted to make myself feel better :D

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risforridiculous@gmail.com — Mon, 17 Sep 2007 14:39:35 GMT

i keep telling brice that he sleeps his life away. yet, somehow i can't help but want to craw under the covers and just nap with him. all. the. time. i cannot admit this to him because he will say i'm hypocritical and make fun of me; and as we all know, i can only dish it, i can't take it.

the nice thing about brice is though, that while he WILL make fun of me, he will also let me burrow under the blankets and sleep anyway. but i can't tell if that's because he's really nice or because he just wants to sleep.

best grandma/grandpa team in all the universe we areeeeee

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risforridiculous@gmail.com — Wed, 25 Jul 2007 14:46:54 GMT

so this whole time i've been referring to this time period where my dad 'broke' and sort of lost his mind and forgot how to be and how smart he is
and thinking about it
lately i've felt so stupid and that i've forgotten everything...
i think i might have broken too
and it's just like. terrifying and i'm reading my old LJ and old entries and i'm not that person anymore and i'm sad and i'm happy and i'm scared and i'm relieved about the whole situation. who knows, i sure don't. my dad seems to be recovering (mind you years later) so i can just look forward to that

ps. the more and more that i play the sims2 the less i have motivation for living my own life. ugh damn you will wright, why do you play with my emotions this way !?!

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risforridiculous@gmail.com — Thu, 05 Jul 2007 03:13:22 GMT

i am i am i am i am uhhh just am.

brice stayed over last night. my dad went to the cottage with my grandparents and because i had to work (and because my emotional stability is just getting back to normal, i don't need them shaking that foundation) and it was parfait parfait parfait. i'd like to say that it was perfect like something you'd read in a book or a newspaper or a magazine but you can't because people don't write about perfect relationships because it's boring. whatever. it's fine. i'm allowed to be boring. only it bothers me, i actually hate being boring oh well it's circular logic, what else can i say. we just lounged all day, story short. sometimes i wish that i met him later in life so we could be perfect then and i wouldn't have this sinking feeling that it's too good to be true and that i've worked hard to deserve this relationship. also because if we met later in life we'd have a cooler "how we met story" but we don't so oh well

shawn called me. and.....and. it's just like. i don't know. i can't have him take me the wrong way. i'm not the type that cheats. not a perfect boy who makes me perfect and boring. sometimes i wish that i wasn't so much of a writer deep down, always creating drama and plot twists for my life. that i could pull my ignorance all around me like a nice blanket and just take a nap and be happy. haha

if only i wasn't such an asshole.
i forgot what i was going to say
i can't write/type fast enough to keep up with my brain
que serra serra, maybe it's better that way

ps. im going to relearn my spanish, only better. and work on my french. and become interesting and amazing. even more so, i mean.

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risforridiculous@gmail.com — Fri, 25 May 2007 16:17:40 GMT

is it really bad that today when i was watching tv guide channel i thought the show was "runaway moms" and was totally excited and interested and then upon switching to the channel i realized that it was actually runway moms. and i was disappointed.

i don't know what that says about me, but i guess that it probably isn't very good.

also, i miss this:

a lot. :/

risforridiculous@gmail.com — Mon, 16 Apr 2007 18:38:40 GMT

http://abcnews.go.com/US/story?id=3045574

this is totally insane
i can't even believe it
29 college students confirmed dead....17 injured...and no one knows why. i am totally speechless.

welcome to the biggest school massacre in american history.

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risforridiculous@gmail.com — Wed, 14 Mar 2007 01:18:36 GMT

so i've come into this new line of thinking / spirituality that's pretty cool, but when i start to talk about it outloud i sound strangely like a jesus freak so i'm not going to describe it. believe me, you don't want me to. but it has a lot to do with energies. those we emit out into the world and what that means in terms of shaping our lives etc etc etc i swear i haven't picked up any religious material in the past year either i just sounds like i have but i am the same old me.

so renting an apartment in boston (beacon hill no less) is my big stress of the week and i'm just about ready to pull out my hair because of it !!!!!!!! isn't that exciting ????? i know it is. well i mean i know it's going to work out. but i'm just so sick of the phone ringing. and sick of being helpless because i'm CT this week and not there so it's not like i could go see anything anyways. blehhh. really i think my dismal mood has a lot to do with being in CT as it is butttttttt i dont want to talk about it and i'm sure you don't want me to either.

so it's just me and dad. and me on the phone with a thousand people every minute of the day. but i'm still breathing, i'm still waking. i want free things and if and when i get this apartment i'm going to need as much free shit as you can load me up with. okay ? deal.

it's going to be all right. promise.

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risforridiculous@gmail.com — Wed, 27 Dec 2006 07:21:25 GMT

so yes. i want to say more things to this. i have a hard time keeping myself to it though. first semester is over. and it was a breeze. total and utter breeze. like. it shouldn't have been that easy. my gpa ended up being a 3.64, and all A's and one glaring B-. i keep rechecking my grades to as if my gpa is going to get higher any second now. it won't. in reality 3.6 is better than i pretty much ever did at any other point in my educational career, i just wanted higher. numbers schmumbers i know but i can't say that to anyone else because they'll say that i'm being ridiculous. it's unfortunate that that's what i do best, but alas that's what livejournal is for. getting things off one's chest.

in general, i am tired. i worked fifty hours last week but it was a total blur. i'm not tired from that anyways. and my memory's gotten worse. i am seriously considering seeing a doctor on that i have pretty strong grounds to believe i have a tumor. because this is inexplicable. utterly so. tumor or severe personality disorder. either way might as well be planning a fairly soon farewell. that was a joke. ha. ha.

anyways. i got a lot of nice loot for christmas. things i can't repeat here. well i can. i just don't want to. i don't want to think about it anymore. it makes me feel functional when i am clearly not. my seemingly intelligent existence is all smoke and mirrors and oh i forget the metaphor i was going for. haha i guess my tumor's acting up again...

i have more to say but my eyes are burning. i have real plans to start up the other day again. not that anyone would visit it. not that anyone reads this anymore. not that i will be alive long enough really. but it was a good idea in theory. a lot of things are though i guess. well. between me ... well me. i guess that's it. i have more to "get off my chest", but can't do too much at a time. the sudden relief of pressure might cause an implosion. and with a tumor already simmering, that just wouldn't be in the interest of my life span at this point. indeed.

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risforridiculous@gmail.com — Tue, 14 Nov 2006 21:07:16 GMT

Dear City,

please stop being cloudy/rainy for one day ! just one ! pleasepleaseplease ! I've been dying to take a couple pictures outside before all the leaves float away but your dull and lackluster lighting is making this sosososo hard. okay thank you and see you soon as in tomorrow morning. bring the sun with you.

regards,
rebecca

182

risforridiculous@gmail.com — Tue, 31 Oct 2006 22:05:32 GMT

I have learned a lot living in the city so far
but the most important lesson by far is that in the city
wendy's is not open late so you can eat great. in fact, after eight thirty they don't care what you eat and good luck finding ANYTHING for that matter because pretty much nothing is open past nine.