||[30 Sep 2004|12:09am]
Everything is so fluid lately. In good and bad ways, but mostly good. Things are so congested during the day and the only times I am truly happy is when I am in the arms of a certain boy with the smell of photography fixer on my hands. I guess you could say I've found another passion in something I thought I would find to be tedious, and it's just added to my total happiness (as most new passions tend to do). But then again, the bad isn't because anythings hard persay, it's just a lot of work. And the sad part is it all feels like busy work. Mainly because it is.
Would it be right to say that I am losing touch with things? Maybe I am, maybe I'm not, I really couldn't tell you anymore. There's change in the air all around us and I'm not sure if anyone is noticing. My priorities have been reorganized for the trillionth time as have my ideals (but don't worry the bases have always stayed the same), my mother had her foot operated on (but don't worry she refuses to let it stop her from doing the things she normally does), I'm happy (but don't worry I'm still the same brat I've always been). Sometimes, I even hate grammar believe it or not.
I find myself trying at times, really hard to be pretty. I'm sick of being so...so androgynous all the time. I really want to be more feminine? While at the same time maintaining my personality. People have told me I do quite well with this, but as we all know how I feel, there is always room for improvement. Especially when it comes to myself. I am just so judgemental all the time and so ungodly critical it's hard enough to like anyone, nevermind myself. Also, is it such a crime to actually secretly enjoy that commercial with Brittney Spears in it? For her perfume or whatever? I just really love the way it was done and honestly hope it does not reflect poorly on me. Also, I'm aware that depending on the layout of your journal, this entry may or may not be impossible to read. You can either a) skip it, because it's just incoherent rambling anyways or b) view it from my journal. But in all honesty, I reccomend the former.
I've killed myself with changes trying to make things better and
ended up becoming something other than what I had planned to be