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[06 Jul 2006|10:45pm] |
i noticed something this time....
i don't have any more tears inside of me to cry.
i've had to deal with most of the pain on my own.
i'm feeling okay today... i did start bawling at work a few times, and i excused myself.. & i didn't feel like explaining anything to anyone, because they could all care less.
only one person has really been helping... & i'm pretty sure she'll continue to be there for me..... at this point, she's the only friend i have here.
it's sooo hard to drive by his house every-single-day and not be able to stop in & say hello like usual. i miss him. i just don't understand how this could have happened..... and just recently i had REALLY made up my mind about us.
i had some doubts... because of all the bickering, on whether or not i really wanted to spend the rest of my days with him... & i did. i decided that i loved him enough to deal with all the petty shit.
i can't even describe how my heart just sank when i realized that the love was gone..... that he didn't feel anything for me. god.... it sucks. to put it lightly, i haven't been able to eat in 3 days.... i am physically not hungry, and i can't stand the sight of food.... i just can't stand it. i feel like crashing my car into a tree or something... i physically see myself slitting my wrists and killing myself. what kind of fucked up thoughts are those?
i hope this hurt can someday mend.
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[05 Jul 2006|08:03pm] |
this time it's real.
no one is to blame.
i can't express in words how fucking heartbroken i am.
what else can i say? what else can i do?
he doesn't love me anymore......
how can you argue with that? how can anything be saved? the only thing you need is love.... love... fucking love! and god damn my luck, that's the only thing that's missing.
and now i have to deal with this fucking burning in my heart all by myself...... crying myself to sleep every night. i want him so bad... i need him in my life.
i never wanted this to happen.
god.... please help me. i need help.. i need guidance... someone tell me what to do.
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[04 Jul 2006|05:55pm] |
i'm feeling sooo shitty at the moment. i've been feeling pretty crappy lately... i'm feeling more and more disillusioned as the days go by.
i don't think there's anything left to save this relationship. it kills me inside to say it... but i just don't think he cares. honestly, i want so much more, and expect so much more than what he gives me. and it hurts SO bad to know that i want it soo bad & that i still love him... i don't know what it is that's going wrong... but something is & i wish i could figure it out & see if there's still hope. the way we're going is just.... downhill. and i swear to god no one wants this more than i do...
how the fuck can i even approach him about our problems? he doesn't ever seem to think there's anything wrong.. EVER. even when it's more than crystal clear.
my birthday was shit.
i feel like the world is falling down on me.....
and to make matters worse everyone seems to be moving on with their life, and i'm stuck in this same place... not growing, not experiencing anything different...
danielle just completely forgot about me.. she hasn't called me or sent me a message or anything. i've tried to call her & to leave messages but she doesn't reply.... so that sucks.
one less friend.
i wish i could get out this place & run somewhere... but where the hell do i go? there's nothing to do around here... no where to go and think about stuff.... everyone's having the best day ever, seeing as it's a holiday. me... i'm sitting here crying... trying to figure out whether or not i should jump off the balcony and die.
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[15 Jun 2006|07:05pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 listless |
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so i just came back from watching the break-up & surprisingly, i kinda liked it. it was kinda boring thru the middle but the end kinda made up for it... or the last 15 mins of it anyway.
i admit it, i hate josh for the same shit... because i feel underappreciated.. because i feel i do so much for him & never get the proper credit. but even then, i still love him & i don't necessarily want to break up. it's a relationship just like any other & boy, do we fight. we fight A LOT but not in the way that we need to break up for good.
he's gone for the rest of the week and won't be back until monday.. & i really miss him. i seriously feel dumb... i don't have much of anything going on over here.. and i already know my week is going by pretty slowly & it's crappy. hopefully i can go out to dinner on sunday night with matt & aerin. that's really the only thing i'm looking forward to...
& i feel even more sad that he'll be gone for my birthday. ugh. i swear to god i'm CURSED with bad birthdays. i've never had a good one... & somehow i really thought that this year would be different. but nope.. i work in the morning (thank god) & that's about it.
josh has showered me with presents.. more than ever before.. but still, i'd trade all those beautiful things to just be able to go out to dinner with him. damnit, now i'm just making myself feel bad.
oh well.
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| friends only!! |
[22 Jan 2004|09:02pm] |
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mood |
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 artistic |
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+ k.. from now this is journal is friends only
+ reason: i just want to know who's reading...
+ uhm.. yeah, that's it..
<3 happy reading! lol
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_idontwant2cry