illegal smile

_highways @ 2008-08-15T14:05:00

2008-08-15T21:12:46Z

last night it was at least 90 degrees in my room with the windows wide open. i couldn't sleep until it cooled down, so i slept in until one. i went an entire day without a cigarette, willingly. i can't smoke when it's this hot outside. last night tables kept asking me if i was enjoying the heat and i could only reply with "i moved from california to get away from it." working in a 50 year old restaurant with no air conditioning in the back is dreadful. tomorrow i'll be floating on my back in a small lake in washington. i just have to keep telling myself that.

summer

2008-08-04T23:43:30Z

today i went to the market and bought cream soda and berries. i rode my bike to irving park, which lucky for me is only 6 blocks from my front door. i sat in the sun and started "pride and prejudice" for the first time. today was also the first real day of my eight day vacation. since i can't afford a trip to another strange city, i'll consider portland a place other than home. a vacation destination.

seriously?

2008-07-08T22:09:56Z

these are the days, my friends

2008-04-08T00:45:33Z

my weekend consisted of extensive movie watching. since my move to portland, i only watch a few movies a week, but i must say the quality of films have made an upgrade. living in this city is opening my eyes to new cinematic gold. a local rental store has every movie i could ever want to see. friday night i stayed home and watched "boys don't cry," which i hadn't seen since it came out. i hate hilary swank, but she was absolutely heartbreaking in that story. it also elevated my chloe sevigny girl crush.

saturday night we went to the spare room in northeast. my friend cameron insisted i go with her to see one of the last "old portland" bars. we were the youngest people in the place and i spent the night watching old couples dance to covers performed by larry and teri, a middle aged couple with a keyboard. andrew asked me to dance; our first slow dance together. i think i almost cried but it was probably helped along by the insane amount of gin i drank that night. the atmosphere made me miss my friends in california and made me wish i had more friends in portland.

sunday i was hungover most of the day. i watched david cronenberg's "crash," not that piece of shit "crash" that came out a couple years back. it's about a group of people who've been in accidents and in turn use the incomparable force in their sexual experiences. it was out there, but i loved it. i'm starting to watch more movies that are semi-ridiculous. i think cronenberg is a good start in that genre.

i'm signing the lease for my new apartment tonight. i'm a grown ass woman, except for the fact that i'm still unemployed.

_highways @ 2008-03-30T14:33:00

2008-03-30T21:36:15Z

today my love and i woke up late. we walked to the biscuits and gravy place around the corner and then took the long way home. we held hands and spoke only of things that made me smile and laugh. we could see the rain in the distance and hurried back to our dry home. today i fell in love again.

_highways @ 2008-02-23T16:36:00

2008-02-24T00:40:42Z

it's really a shame that smog produces some of the most beautiful sunsets.

_highways @ 2008-02-01T13:44:00

2008-02-01T21:54:31Z

last night i dreamt that i was at disneyland with friends having a smiley laughy disneyland kind of time. when we reached the teacup ride i saw an elderly woman dressed how my grandma would: bright red pants, hush puppy shoes, hounds tooth homemade blouse. it was her except much younger than when she passed away a year and a half ago. i looked to her right and saw my uncle pat and cousin matthew walking towards her. matt's now 27, but in my dream he was a child and pat died in 2000. shortly behind them was my immediate family, 20 years ago. katie was a baby in my mom's arms. gina and i were dressing in day-glo colors and high tops. my dad's parents were there also. the entire group sat in front of my friends and i whistled to get their attention. when they turn, they all started smiling and yelling "eyyyy!!!" and clapping like they do. they recognized me, even though i was my future self. my dad's mom said they better get going; it's hard walking all day when you're in your 60s. my parents are now reaching 60 and my grandparents are either in their 80s or deceased.

lately i've had the most disturbing and painful nightmares. i woke up crying the other day after one of them. this dream was so wonderful. i've been looking through old family photos today. i forgot my big collection of them at home in southern california. i feel this strange emptiness without them.

_highways @ 2008-01-02T13:29:00

2008-01-02T21:45:55Z

we counted down to the new year in a small circle on dusty carpet in a recently empty bedroom. we missed midnight by a couple minutes. hillary started screaming when nirvana came on the radio. our first song of the year; how appropriate. we danced to sergio mendes. yes, i danced. champagne does wonders to my modesty. i didn't get my new years kiss from andrew, but from my best good friends instead. i'm watching a lifetime movie that takes place in portland solely for that reason. i have about two weeks until i pack up most of my belongings and drive up the north again. the past two years of my life have been fucking nuts. i expect this coming one to be equally, if not more, life changing.

_highways @ 2007-12-06T20:03:00

2007-12-07T04:20:00Z

my head aches from this consistant longing to not be in the place that i am in. a busy work schedule usually distracts me from everything going on in my life, but lately my brain is completely clouded over. i'm quiet and not talkative and distant. most days i don't like being around most people. i'd rather be under a blanket watching countless hours of BBC america. three hours to be exact. my brain feels dead from lack of schooling. i haven't been a real student in a now very real amount of time. two years. i forget what essays and term papers and exams are. there is this side of me that wants to be challenged again. like my education will almost erase itself, no matter how trivial the knowledge might be, if i don't pursue anything. if i don't talk it's not because i have nothing to say, it's because i don't know how to say it. i just feel pretty dull and uninspired lately. the only thing keeping me going is the prospect of a clean slate in 6 weeks.

_highways @ 2007-11-28T01:17:00

2007-11-28T09:30:04Z

i bought myself a plane ticket to portland for my twenty second birthday. i spent nine days in my favorite city with my favorite person. a friend drove down from seattle while i was there and we explored an old scenic highway in andrew's car. i had a wonderful trip; coming back to southern california was the last thing i wanted to do. six weeks until i'm there for good. i find myself obsessing over moving plans. apologies for the heaviness of this entry. i felt like i couldn't leave anything out.

\

_highways @ 2007-11-03T14:23:00

2007-11-03T22:59:13Z

this month was much more eventful than september.

_highways @ 2007-10-27T15:56:00

2007-10-27T22:56:35Z

i want to drive to chicago next summer.

_highways @ 2007-10-25T18:59:00

2007-10-26T02:12:25Z

my older sister is here from san diego. she's staying in my grandmother's old room. all we do is play trivial pursuit and scene it.

_highways @ 2007-10-21T02:49:00

2007-10-21T09:51:54Z

this is my favorite season, except for the fucking santa ana winds.

_highways @ 2007-10-15T14:53:00

2007-10-15T21:58:11Z

today's been cold and foggy and lovely. i've basically been under a blanket drinking tea and watching movies all day. this weather just makes me want to listen to donovan and eat cookies.

_highways @ 2007-10-06T15:54:00

2007-10-06T23:04:39Z

_highways @ 2007-10-03T03:04:00

2007-10-03T10:10:01Z

3am and i can't seem to fall asleep. i blame the sparks and the anticipation for yet another double shift tomorrow. i've been working my ass off and now i'm definitely seeing the upside to this weekend/week of sore feet. i was weighed in at the doctor and i'm currently the heaviest i've ever been. i blame the beer. one month until i'm twenty two. i feel as though i'm turning twenty three; i've always felt a year older because of the late birthday. i'm going to portland with gina november 9-17. should be wonderful. should be cold. i'm so excited. i'm basically going to be working and working and sitting on driveways or couches with friends. i don't mind. i'm going to semi-enjoy these last few months i have in the conejo valley.

_highways @ 2007-09-26T21:42:00

2007-09-27T04:49:28Z

i bought myself a case of peroni and told the cashier at the liquor store i had to 'cause i'm italian. my friends are pretty and make wonderful faces when drunk.

_highways @ 2007-09-23T15:30:00

2007-09-23T22:38:08Z

i've spent a lot of time with myself lately. i work. i come home. i watch a movie. i sleep. i don't mind it at all. i'm enjoying this time right now. it's as if my life is in this waiting period. my only concern is monetary, and it makes my existance feel very light. i'm slowly understanding what i want and what i need. so until january i suppose i'm just a money making machine. oh well.

_highways @ 2007-09-18T16:35:00

2007-09-18T23:44:50Z

casey finally got out of san diego and is now living in a lovely apartment in echo park. we spent the day drinking beers and smoking cigarettes. it's strange to watch yourself and your friends grow up and move out/on.

my grandfather turned 83 on saturday. my family packed into my mother's economy car and sat through hours of orange county traffic. the night was warm and wonderful. bittersweet almost. i'm scared to be away from my family again when something concerning death and dying happens. i'm more prepared this time. connie made delicious limoncello. my parents held hands the entire drive home. i miss andrew.

_highways @ 2007-09-11T21:21:00

2007-09-12T04:30:27Z

these tortoises were in the heat of the moment. he was sticking his tongue out!

_highways @ 2007-08-28T14:44:00

2007-08-28T22:00:53Z

autumn is almost here and i cannot be more excited. at this time last year, i was feeling incredibly down. i had just moved back to southern california from san francisco, and my mind was not in a good place. the seasonal change called for a change in my mental state as well. this summer has been absolutely wonderful; a complete opposition to last year. i wonder what this fall will bring for me. my sister and i are planning a birthday trip to portland to explore our prospective new home. i also plan on getting a second job, and eventually leaving my current job. i'm not even content there, and i'm not about to let that location dictate my happiness. my twentieth year was a growing year. i had to be pulled down before i could start to move up. my twenty first year has only given me wonderful lessons. i haven't met many new friends, but i've really learned to appreciate and love the few people i surround myself with. this upcoming twenty second year, i have a feeling, will be a year of living a new life.

_highways @ 2007-08-25T23:39:00

2007-08-26T06:41:28Z

i followed that boy to kauai and spent two wonderful weeks in the sun. he is showing me the most gorgeous landscapes and i'm learning more about myself than anytime in my entire life.

_highways @ 2007-07-16T20:58:00

2007-07-17T04:07:29Z

the summer is already half way over. i feel like it's going by incredibly fast. i don't mind though. it's been a wonderful summer. i have nothing to complain about. in twenty five days i'll be in kauai. i can't think of anything else that makes my smile so big.

_highways @ 2007-07-07T00:38:00

2007-07-07T07:40:36Z

i have five bug bites on either foot.
i drank a million margaritas at the dodger game tonight.
$60 seats for free. thanks josh.
it's friday and i'm home by 12:15.
i need to make $500 very soon.
money seems to rule my life.