1. Don't be gay.
2. Be "true".
3. All people who aren’t "true" are gay.
4. Be grim.
5. Be necro.
6. Be simultaneously grim and necro if at all possible.
7. Break things while being grim and necro.
8. Don't have fun at concerts. Stand around with arms crossed.
9. Repeat all above while denouncing organized religion in any form.
10. Never ever, EVER under ANY circumstances...
11. ...Listen to Peccatum.
12. When someone asks you if you enjoy the music of Mayhem, point out
that you only enjoy the music of "the true" Mayhem. Maniac is gay.
13. Don't play with fuzzy things, excepting that by "play" you mean "burn".
14. Don't be Dani Filth.
15. Never, ever, under any circumstances utter the phrase "Kenny G slams, man."
16. Don't be Dani Filth.
17. When your mom tells you to take out the garbage tell her that you're too metal to remove refuse.
18. Run for it!
19. Sodomize a virgin whore.
20. Sodomize anything that is not male. (Fuzzy things look out!)
21. Make sure your album goes out of print about 3 years after its release... so it becomes 'cult'.
22. When in doubt, say "True Norwiegian Black Metal!"
23. If that doesn't work, blast beats can fill any silence.
24. Turn any cross you find upside-down.
25. Nipple twisting is not a blackmetal activity..
26. Write a cult, underground, grim and necro zine. Feature only
interviews with bands no one has heard of, even "true" blackmetallers.
27. Never ever, EVER, EVER be open-minded.
28. Never write songs less than 15 minutes long and containing less than 15 adjectives in the title.
29. a) paint face. b) go in woods. c) act like troll.
30. Don't be Mortiis (or Dani Filth).
31. Don't wear white shoes after Labor Day.
32. Don't make jokes only your mom would get.
33. Don't make jokes.
34. When in doubt, scowl with eyes downturned.
35. Don't eat Marshmellow Peeps.
36. To producers of black metal albums: remember...no low end! If it doesn't hurt to listen to, it can't be "true".
37. Make sure that no less than half of the musicians on your album are "session" members.
38. When in concert, always growl names of songs so that they are
imperceptible. This will ensure that anyone who doesn't have your
"cult" LP won't get it.
39. Never play live.
40. When getting ready to go to a show, completely forget that the other people there are not going to the show to look at you.
41. Use barbed wire whenever possible. (Note: this assists in being both "necro" and "grim".)
42. When asked by a non true BMer what BM is, say something like, "BM
is the raw essence of pure black evil in man", in any case, make sure
that by the conversations end, the other person still has no idea what
black metal is.
43. Drive one of your band members to suicide, and claim he died because of the "mainstream" "infecting" the "scene".
44. Reform with "old members" and release an album intended to produce commercial success.
45. When it flops say that you meant it to fail cause anything less wouldn't be "true".
46. Have a side project. Ensure that all other members of your band also have side projects.
47. Fill out the other slots in your other member's side projects as "session" musicians.
48. Record everything in the same studio with the same producer/instruments/equipment/etc.
49. Make sure your album cover never consists of more than three colors (color options allowed: grey, black, white).
50. Publicly state that your band is "non-religious", then use the word
"Satan" over 400 times on your one-song thirty-minute album.
51. Never stuff your shoes to make them appear puffy and avoid the
wearing of backwards baseball caps if at all possible. Red ones in
52. Insist that music should never progress and that it should still sound the same way it did 9 friggin years ago.
53. Never say "friggin".
54. Never finish anything you start.
55. The word "Hail" is the only appropriate greeting whenever greeting someone "true".
56. If feeling especially true on a given occasion, try "Infernal Hails".
57. All logos must include illegible writing and at least one inverted cross and/or pentagram. This is non-negotiable.
58. When referring to sex with a Metal Chick use only the terminology
"sticking my clouded frost-spire into her gates of attrition".
59. Design complex logo for your grim black metal band on binder paper in the middle of math class.
60. Accept every interview you're offered...then pretend that you really don't enjoy being interviewed.
61. Thoroughly enjoy Star Trek: The Next Generation.
62. Wait... scratch that last one. (See rule 1)
63. Never divulge to any outsiders the Exact Day of the Divine Arrival
of the Massive Hoof. Instead, inform them that they should be ready to
suck the Dark Lord's greasy @#%$ at any time.
64. Use the phrase "suck the dark lord's greasy @#%$" whenever possible.
65. If you ever find that you have somehow become a member of Hecate
Enthroned, be sure to piece together a music video of scrap footage of
yourself walking around in the woods at night looking evil. Only,
instead of being night make sure it's the middle of the @#%$ day, and
instead of looking evil, look dorky instead. (See also: rule 1)
666. Own hundreds of black metal albums, demos and bootlegs. Listen to approximately 8 of them regularly.
67. Humping a ceramic Virgin Mary in front of your uncle's house is not
"pimping it" (unless you tell her you're done then blow in her face
like a shotgun when she turns around).
68. Refrain from using keyboard smilies when communicating via the Internet. Single acceptable smily: -(
69. Why isn't the word "Northern" in your album title yet!? Get to it! Amatuers...
70. Spelling things correctly is neither grim nor necro.
71. Norsk Arysk Blak Metal! Rahhh!!
72. No matter where you're from, pretend you're from Norway and therefore 'true'.
73. Don't be Dani Filth. (I think that's clear)
74. All pets you own now will henceforth be known as "Crucifier". Any
pets you own in the future will also be known as "Crucifier".
75. True black metaller: "Many of our dark hymns are influenced by the
mighty Tolkien... You have not read the works of Tolkien!? Nerd. Wait a
minute... It appears I am the nerdy one after all!"
76. @#%$, I'm talking to myself again.
77. Norsk Arysk Blak Metal! Rahhh!!
78. That's better, on with the interview!
80. Create inverted crosses in all possible instances. Suggested tools:
Drum sticks, twigs, pool cues, pencils, etc. (See also "clouded frost
81. Profess publicly that you are a Satanist and add that you are in
touch with Norway's ancient Pagan past. Pretend that somehow those two
facts make sense in conjunction.
82. Stick your dick in the mashed potatoes.
83. Don't make Beastie Boys references.
84. Don't make references.
85. Satanus. Huh huh huhuhuhuh.
87. If possible, design the title of your album so that it consists of
three completely unrelated words. Dimmu Borgir are the master of this
(i.e. Enthrone Darkness Triumphant, Spiritual Black Dimensions,
Puritanical Euphoric Misanthropia, Godless Savage Garden) but you may
also want to refer to Immortal's "Diabolical Fullmoon Mysticism".
88. As we all know, women have no place in the homoerotic world of
black metal, but if your girl friend still won't stop bugging you about
wanting to be involved in your band, give her a lame spoken word part
89. Never form a band containing you, your wife and/or girlfriend, and some gay looking guy. (See also: rule 11)
90. Go to bed when your mom tells you to.
91. If it's rare, it must be good. Order it immediately.
92. I will not add that as it is not metal enough.
93. Are you metal enough to be reading this?
94. Own every Darkthrone release. Listen to exactly none of them.
95. Own cult-as-@#%$ shirts of bands you not only own no releases of, but also haven't even heard.
96. Use the phrase "cult-as-@#%$" whenever possible.
97. Attempt to randomly throw the word "@#%$" during random segments of
your songs. (Kindly refer to Attilla's work on De Mysteriis Dom
98. In order to make your recording more incomprehensible and therefore
more "cult", be sure to either select a singer who has only a tenuous
grasp on the language to be sung. (Acceptable languages: Norwegian,
99. I'll tell you what your album lay out needs...Some titties.
100. And you know what else? How long since you acted like a troll? Pick up that makeup and fight, soldier!
101. You mean to tell me you read this whole thing when you could've
have been prancing about in the forest with an axe? For shame! For
by Harry and Steve of Kail
HOW TO BE A GOOD POP FAN/IDOL
1. Don't use your brain
2. Be sell-out
3. All people who aren't sell-outs use their brain
4. Be gay
5. Be fake
6. Be simultaneously gay and fake if possible
7. Be sell-out while being gay and fake
8. Make sure you own at least 10 million dollars
9. Repeat all above while talking about love and happiness
10. Never ever, EVER under ANY circumstances...
11. ...Listen to music that has more than 2 riffs in the whole song.
12. Never notice what a riff is
13. Always play with fuzzy things, excepting that by "play" you mean "burn".
14. Don't be more than 5 points of IQ
15. Never, ever, under any circumstances try to investigate the words of this list that you don't understand
16. Don't be more than 5 points of IQ
17. Fashion is everything
18. Use only professional paid musicians or...
19. ...don't use musicians
20. Sell it out!
21. Make sure your songs have no more than 2 riffs and that each riff has not more than 4 notes.
22. When in doubt, say "Avril rulzz!"
23. If that doesn't work, showing your Backstreet boys' poster can fill any silence.
24. Close any book and get away from any source of culture!!!
25. Usually visit your lawyer
26. Write a nonsense, mainstream, gay and basic tune. Feature only big
well-known and important sceneries with bands everyone has heard of.
27. Never ever, EVER, EVER be open-minded.
28. Never write songs more than 3 minutes long and containing more than 5 words in the title ("I luv U" always works).
29. Never write songs
30. Don't be more than 5 IQ points (and don't use them)
31. Don't wear anything that is not considered kOoL by everybody
32. Make jokes only your mom would get.
33. Make a lot of jokes about fashion and money.
34. Count your money at least once per week
35. Don't eat anything but free fat synthetic food.
36. To producers of pop albums: Never, EVER use a person who knows about musicianship.
37. Make sure that all your musicians play the same thing in the whole song.
38. Make at least one song with a rapper (it helps if the only think he says is "hey yo, that's right momma")
39. Never play "live" without playback.
40. When getting ready to go to a show... be sure your playback is working right.
41. Rip off your own songs to make another album
42. When asked by a reporter (no matter what the question is), just
say: "Oh yes, I luv u so much, bye" and run to your limousine
43. Leave your boy band when it gets popularity and money, and become an unsuccessful lone-singer.
44. Reform with "old members" and sing your old songs to make more money.
45. When you aren't making enough money, release an album that contains remixes of your pasts albums.
46. Then release a "Best of" album
47. Have/make/be part of a fan club
48. It helps if you are not the one who sings when recording your album.
49. Make sure your albums' cover always in photos of you *with your band (if you have one)*.
50. Make 1 million dollars videos in which you break guitars and things to show "how dark you are" (to make more money).
51. Wear things like ties, caps, etc that may create a fashion.
52. Insist that music should progress and evolve, although yours still sound the same way it did 9 years ago.
53. Never say smart words like "politic" and "progress"
54. Never make smart statements
55. The word "Rulz" is the only appropriate word whenever you get some commercial success.
56. If you are not selling more than 1 million albums per week, get
married with a drunk vagabond, and then with a lawyer, and then say
you're gay/lesbian/bi, and then get into religion, then come back
saying you're against something, then release another album
57. If this doesn't work, bring some guitarists and make them play
two easy chords over and over again, then say you're alternative
58. When referring to sex say ALWAYS that you're virgin.
59. Write songs that contain at least 40 times the word "love" and 30 times the word "baby"
60. Accept every invitation to MTV
61. Make your own reality show
62. Accept every invitation to MTV and Make your own reality show at the same time if possible
63. Never EVER admit you're a pop singer/fan.
64. Use the phrase "yeah! I’m a rock star/rocker" whenever possible.
65. If someone asks you "What can you tell me about the music you
do/listen to?", answer "It's rock pop mixed with rap and it has some
punk Goth metal jazz blues and/or folk influences" or just say "it
66. Own hundreds of songs, all downloaded, not bought, no complete albums.
67. Make at least one cheap movie
68. If someone tells you "You're not a rocker, your music doesn't
have the characteristics of rock, for example, the guitar" tell them
"I’m alternative rock"
69. If you still haven't sold more than 10 million albums, sell your name and/or make advertisements
70. Spelling things correctly is smart (see point 1)... start using
the "z" instead the "s", the "k" instead the "c", "-in'" instead of
"ing" and "a" instead of "er"
71. Memorize the complete biography of your favorite singers
72. No matter how gay is your music, pretend to be rock/punk/metal and sell it out!.
73. If they don't believe you, pretend to be ALTERNATIVE rock/punk/metal
74. All pets you own must be fuzzy.
75. Make sure you appear in at least 3 magazines per week.
76. It's better if you're in first page
77. Never make an instrumental song
78. Never notice what an instrumental song is
80. Forget points 77 and 78
81. Make at least 5 videos per album
82. Don't make more than 3 albums.
83. If you do, make sure at least half of those albums are singles/re-releases/remixes/covers, etc.
84. Make sure you wear only the lastest fashion scream
85. Never write your own songs...
86. ...so forget point 59
87. Make sure that the guy who writes your songs uses enough oh yeah's and baby's to fill a 3 minutes song
88. If possible, design the title of your album/song so that you can tell MTV that you write your own songs.
89. If you STILL haven't sold more than 100 million albums, appear naked in an MTV live show
90. Never form a band containing less than 5 singers and more than
4 musicians (it's better if the musicians are not part of the band)
91. Make sure that your songs don't contain any bad words.
92. If you have executed point 57, use some bad words like "ass", but no more than 2 per song.
93. If you are faking metal, make sure that your songs have some
extremely offensive words like "fuck" a couple times, but make sure
they are censured on your videos.
94. Sell it out again!
95. Own at least 4 huge houses, 2 private planes and hundreds of cars.
96. If the guy that composes your songs has no more "creativity", make a cover!!!
97. Change your look at least 400 times.
98. Make sure magazines write about your look
99. In order to make more money, publicly insult someone important, then apologise
100. Sing at least once in the Super Bowl.
101. Be lazy and useless and never read this whole list (again)
made by: infernal_ñero, if it's not funny, it's his fault