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July 16th, 2005
12:36 am - Bear empty mind
Okay, it's 2pm on Saturday in japan. I'm at the community center near by my room to do prepare for mon petit bolout. It's good to touch internet for free. Actually this is for kids who have little chance to handle computers freely. But I take this chance as a citizen in this town!
I'm gonna write about 'writing' today...from time to time, I got myself to be obsessed with kind of eagerness of writing. It mainly happens after reading a good novel, phrases, watching inspiring movies that touchs me.
Yeah I love writing. Since I was a little girl I love to make some stupid stories.
It plays a role to keep myself steadily. I found myself really accessible by others. So writing was a essential way to survive.
But I found it difficult to figure out my true feeling since the summer 2002. It becomes almost 3 years.
On the summer 2002, an unforgettable thing happened to me. I hate to explain it in detail, but only thing I can say clearly about it is, it was related to human lives. Because of my accesibility, my nerves were completely destroyed, those days were really scary, drove me crazy.
I fell into bottom of deep depression I had never experienced before. And found it difficult to come to the surface as I had long lived.
Since then, I tried to drop everything that had kept me as 'myself'. I think it was because I couldn't bear to be myself. I was like a new-born baby. I had no way to deal with reality but abandoning myself.
But the 'writing bugs' sometimes comes and bites me. It makes me confused because i don't have way to express myself any longer. Just describe, but never touch me, others. I know it, but still hurts me.
I don't think it was a wrong decision to abandoning myself at that time. It was only way left to me to survive. But still confused, that what person I would try to be.
Current Mood:  lazy
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_hanaco_