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August 16th, 2009
02:30 am - in my mind...3
After 8 years since our family separated, I came to Kanazawa to live with them.
When they moved away from Yokohama, I thought I was adult enough to take care of myself. But it was wrong. It takes 8 years to find it out.
"Something is wrong with me." I sometimes feel that way since I was little. I just wanted to deny that, had tried harder to change the way I had been.
But now I'm a little tired of it. I'm tired of living myself.
Now I'm in Kanazawa to rebuild what I had ruined.
My dream is gone, but I have much time to find it again.
Current Mood:  peaceful
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August 31st, 2008
11:24 pm - in my mind...2
After they moved to Kanazawa, my life had changed. It wasn't like I had expected.
I became totally insecured, depended exessively on my boyfriend.
I didn't know why I changed so rapidly, had no idea what to do, who to ask.
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August 30th, 2008
07:59 pm - in my mind...
Since I was little, something vague, but big had always been annoying me.
I remember I wasn't a good child for mom and dad. It wasn't on purpose that I didn't follow what they want me to do, but I just didn't know how.
I had been scared of dad. He was easy to get mad at what I did. He sometimes kept scolding me till the middle of the night.
'Cause I knew whatever I say to him could drive him crazy, I kept silence. He had no idea why I had been so quiet when being scold, getting crazier.
I remember when I was yelled at, dad said in irritation "you won't be a mother in your future anyway ." .
That had a big big influence on my mind for a long time. I wasn't that sad at that time, but just trusted what he said to me.
Time passed, I grew up, and the feeling I had toward to him had changed. Scary to hate. Being ignore him, he got less mad at me.
When I was a freshman at Univ., my family except me decided to move to Kanazawa.
The problem was not that they moved but neither mom or dad would tell me why they had to move out of the house. I know the company dad had worked for was lame-duck, and he would change his job at the age of 50.
I just wanted them to tell me what they were thinking about our future.
I just didn't wanna my family being sepalated without knowing what my parents would do for our lives getting better.
I felt like they just ran away from their reality. I just wanted to talk. I just wanted to know.
So I kept asking for talking with them about anything I was scared. But dad just treated me like I was crazy, wasn't gonna hear what I said.
And they moved to Kanazawa.
Current Mood:  sad
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July 9th, 2007
01:31 am - Im not dead.
It"s been almost 2 years since I started working for this flower shop.
And now I'm thinking of quitting the job.
The reason is our boss. He is crazy.
The days passes so quickly and I can live peacefully every day.
Thanks for my friends, family, colleagues and all the environment.
Changing job requires much much much efforts to me now.
Current Mood:  thoughtful
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January 22nd, 2006
01:43 am - I know!
It's been sooooooo long time for I hadn't updated! I have to apologize to some friends who may have checked this blog from time to time. I'm sorry , et desole! Finally, I'm back! (Maybe...)
It surprises me that it's 4 months since I started to work at florist. Actually it gets more interesting this year that I have so many things to learn about plants, flowers and garden planing (yes, we sell flowers and do garden maintenance as well.) .
But unfortunately, I have a bad memory...because of the awfulness, sometimes I feel like opening my head and say to the brain like,'Hey! Are you awake?'.
(But I'm okay. In spite of that, I can still enjoy my work!)
BTW it had been snowing in Kanto area (where includes capital region in Japan) much heavier than most ppl had expected. We have many sloping roads around here, most cars run at a snail's pace. Seeing them is fun, but also scares me. Snow is like a seasonal toy for kids, but can be a big thread for adults on the other hand!
Okay, I've got to go to bed now. AND is anybody can teach me how to post pixes here? I try to, but I can't somehow. If some kind person read this, PLEASE teach me the how..!
Current Mood:  sleepy
Current Music: Smashing pumpkins
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September 6th, 2005
04:26 am - ♪i've got my job@florist!
I had my part-time job's interview last thu. and i got a phone-call from the owner today. Yay! i've got my job!!
I will continue working there after the graduate from university. But it will be a little anxiety for me and my family, coz this is not a full employment but a part-time. Yes i know that.
In japan, the non-full-time employments so-called 'freeter(comes from 'free arbeiter'...english & german word...funny!)'are getting increasing and there's no sign nor practical plan of getting it decrease so far. Moreover, the freeters aren't usually thought that they're doing their best though they have less assurance, payment, treatment both by their boss and ppl.
But sometimes i make myself thinking like, 'which will be better, i can work @ a company that i'm not into it much, or, work @somewhere that i'm really interested in...?' and i have my answer.
What will my future be like ? i don't know. but i know ppl can seek and get something when they're doing what they really want to do.
Current Mood: contemplative
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September 1st, 2005
12:41 am - Interview
I will have an interview of a part-time job@florist tomorrow.
I'm a bit nervous now...but i jis hope tomorrow will be my day!
Oyasuminasai.
Current Mood:  anxious
Current Music: 'Zenbu kimidatta' Masayoshi Yamazaki
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July 16th, 2005
12:36 am - Bear empty mind
Okay, it's 2pm on Saturday in japan. I'm at the community center near by my room to do prepare for mon petit bolout. It's good to touch internet for free. Actually this is for kids who have little chance to handle computers freely. But I take this chance as a citizen in this town!
I'm gonna write about 'writing' today...from time to time, I got myself to be obsessed with kind of eagerness of writing. It mainly happens after reading a good novel, phrases, watching inspiring movies that touchs me.
Yeah I love writing. Since I was a little girl I love to make some stupid stories.
It plays a role to keep myself steadily. I found myself really accessible by others. So writing was a essential way to survive.
But I found it difficult to figure out my true feeling since the summer 2002. It becomes almost 3 years.
On the summer 2002, an unforgettable thing happened to me. I hate to explain it in detail, but only thing I can say clearly about it is, it was related to human lives. Because of my accesibility, my nerves were completely destroyed, those days were really scary, drove me crazy.
I fell into bottom of deep depression I had never experienced before. And found it difficult to come to the surface as I had long lived.
Since then, I tried to drop everything that had kept me as 'myself'. I think it was because I couldn't bear to be myself. I was like a new-born baby. I had no way to deal with reality but abandoning myself.
But the 'writing bugs' sometimes comes and bites me. It makes me confused because i don't have way to express myself any longer. Just describe, but never touch me, others. I know it, but still hurts me.
I don't think it was a wrong decision to abandoning myself at that time. It was only way left to me to survive. But still confused, that what person I would try to be.
Current Mood:  lazy
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July 8th, 2005
12:53 am - Going to a piano concert
FUJIKO HEMING
Concert @ Tokyo Metropolitan art space
Today, I got an e-mail from one of my friends: 'Hey! I have two ticket of Fujiko Heming's concert for tomorrow.. do you wanna come with me??'
And, yeah, I replied so quickly! 'Sure I do!! How much is it for??'
And she was like: 'Don't care about it!! It's on me!!'
Yay!! How lucky I am!
Fujiko Heming a popular pianist, and lives in Paris now. I didn't know she'd come to Tokyo... And do you know?? she has problem with her ears. Yeah, it's almost unbelievable she could be a professional, don't you think?
And this is also surprising ..she graduated from a japanese high school just same as mine!! I'm so thrilled...I can't wait till tomorrow!
Current Mood: excited
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June 29th, 2005
12:24 pm - Being left
It's been a while since my last update,,he, my roommate had left this room last Thu. So it's been a week being alone..
These days we are becoming careless to each other, easy to start fighting and sometimes, yes, just ignored.
But anyway, being alone makes me consider about my future more deeply.
What am i supposed to do from now on? What i wanna do?
I'm a Uni student and supposed to do job-hunting if i follow a japanese-custom.
But i have a dream to run my shop. A flower shop. I'm searching a good shop which hires me as an assistant.
I'd worked @ many places like restaurant, company, shops as a part-timer. I love to work, yeah. but what keeps me hesitate to work is my sudden depression and lack of power. I don't wanna just 'work' to wear out my time and power. i wanna work to get skills anyway. Is it just an opinion of a naive girl??
Considering requires lots of things,, energy, time, foresight, self-possession etc...
Current Mood: nervous
Current Music: 'Josee to tora to sakana-tachi(soundtrack)' by Quruli
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_hanaco_