well im here alone in my dorm room rght now. i just watched 4 straight episodes of the oc. season one, that aaron got me for xmas. life is good right now. i mean im doing well in school so far ( or so i think), i have good friends, im at a really good school, i have an amazing boyfriend. everything is good.... but for some reason when im alone at night, just me and the airconditioner, i feel sad. maybe its because im lying here alone in my bed with nothing to keep me company but my textbooks. i dont know how this is happening. i was totally fine last quarter, and as lame as this may sound... i think im homesick. im tired of being out here by myself. i mean i have friends, but i dont even feel like going out anymore. i just dont feel like really doing anything. its not the same as at home. i miss aaron. so much. i want to be able to wake up in the morning with his arms around me. then i would be happy and safe and any problems i had would just melt away. he does that to me. its like when i look in his eyes, everything melts away and i cant help but smile. he makes me so happy. hes so perfect. everything i could ever want. the hardest part is being so far away from the one thing that makes you feel special and pretty and wonderful and ultimately just happy. baby i love you. i cant even text you right now cause your phone is dead. maybe that is adding to my loneliness. i just feel like... no one here REALLY knows me. i feel so bottled up in a room with two other people that are always around. i need to be alone sometimes. i want to talk on the phone in my bed and feel comfortable. i cant talk when someones in the room or i feel stupid. i want to be able to lay on the couch and watch tv. i want to be able to cook in the kitchen if i feel like it. i dont want to wake up at 8 every morning and go to 3 classes in a row. i just want a break for me. selfish? maybe. my lifes not even hard. my classes arent even extraordinarily difficult. im just pushing myself into this spiral of blah. im also confused about where i stand right now. i mean im not living at home, im not fully independent, i dont know where the rules fall. i REALLY REALLY want to spend valentines day with aaron in napa. i mean im paying the almost 200 dollars it takes to see him for just a few days, it makes sense i should be able to do what i want, but im still scared to ask my parents if i can stay there. and i sent an email and it just seems like theyre ignoring it and im scared theyre doing that because theyre just gunna say no. and i dont know what im gunna do if thats the case. im gunna be so let down. not to mention aaron too. i hate having semi control of my life. i'd almost rather just have it all or have none at all. i dont know where im going with this. all i know is that i cant sleep. and i havent been able to all quarter. i wish i could fastforward to having an apartment w. aaron somewhere. that would be nice. i cant stand waiting. im not good at it at all. i also really suck at saying goodbye. and everytime it gets harder and harder. i havent even written in this thing for ages. like a real entry. probably because ive just been avoiding my feelings. but i guess its better that i write them down than vent to some poor soul. i dont know what else to say.. but i still dont feel like i can sleep. i guess ill just lay here. maybe the sun will be coming up soon.