Fundie: "I don't have a religion, I have a personal relationship with Jesus!
Me: A personal relationship with someone that doesn't exist is called masturbation.

Review
Of course, this is an old film, so a review isn't necessarily very informative but it can be worthwhile to visit old films now and again to subject them to a modern perspective. The Bible isn't the first, or last, film to follow these themes being part remake part sequel to Ingmar Bergman's critically acclaimed, intellectual, disturbing but commercially unappealing 'The Torah' (1952). The Bible lacks the critical authenticity of that work while also lacking the trendy (but also confusing) Tarantinoesque jump-cuts of 2006's 'Islam' by Robert Rodriguez or the sheer surreality of Salvador Dali's arthouse masterpiece 'Mormonism'.

The Bible, then, stands somewhere in the middle, Roland Emmerich - as director - is given a huge budget to both re-tell The Torah for a popular audience and to tell the story of the sequel, 'Messiah', which was so heavily hinted at in the earlier work but never came to fruition. Unfortunately as with many Hollywood 'epic' summer movies of the nineties and noughties the high budget drove a confused, sprawling, over-long, monster of a film that paid far more attention to special effects set pieces than to consistent plotting, characterisation or even sense.

Jeremy Irons chews the scenery as the character 'God', a supernatural entity of enormous intelligence and power that dominates the first half of the film before fading into the background during the second half. Clearly we're supposed to sympathise with the God character and, while Irons' English accent does lend an element of credibility to the God character's authority the plotting and actions of the character make no sense and the film would have hung together more with the God character cast as the villain, rather than the vastly more sympathetic Serpent/Devil character, depicted with sensitivity and sympathy by Jude Law. As it stands the audience is left confused as the character we're supposed to be empathising with visits misery and destruction upon humanity much like the aliens in Emmerich's other big blockbuster, Independence Day.

The effects are astonishing of course, the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah, the flooding of the Earth, old men being mauled by bears (which guaranteed the director's cut a hard R rating in the US) but while there's plenty of impressive eye candy the whole thing starts to fall apart in the plotting and narrative. God saves Noah (Donald Sutherland) as he's supposed to be a man of virtue but after the flooding of the Earth the first thing he does is get drunk and doink his own daughters.

The Egyptian section of the film has received the most plaudits from critics and audiences alike but this is largely down to the tour-de-force performance by Brian Blessed as Moses, with audiences barely able to help themselves shouting along with his bravado delivery reminiscent of his role as Prince Vultan in Flash Gordon (1980). His scene of confrontation with Pharaoh's sorcerors provides his most memorable line 'YOU CALL THOSE _SNAKES_? HAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!' but also demonstrates the weakness in plotting that even Brian Blessed cannot save, the God character being supposed to be the only true supernatural force in the world, yet these sorcerors capable of producing magic themselves. True, it makes for a more effective scene but this really is a goof up in the plotting.

In America of course, The Bible was released as a four hour epic movie and did reasonably well at the box office during its early weeks but in response to testing the film was split into two sections. The Old Testament and The New Testament since testing had shown that The New Testament tested better as an independent movie in focus groups. Now many people don't even know that the two films were one 'The Bible' and many fans of The New Testament completely disregard Part One, preferring to focus on Part Two.

Part Two, however, cannot really be understood without having watched Part One and while it is a better plotted movie it lacks the same, grand, set-piece battles and special effects that redeemed Part One for the popcorn chewing hoi-polloi. There's just too much dialogue, much of it repetitious, really trying to hammer home the film's moral message in a crude fashion that becomes annoying about half an hour into the second half. The use of Jude Law to play the Jesus character - as well as the devil - was somewhat inspired but as soft featured and feminine as he is he fails to bring across either the supposed stoicism of the Jesus character or the malice of The devil in much the same way his lack of macho credentials damaged 2004's Sky Captain.

While the message of the second half is a positive one it loses its impact because of the poor plotting, particularly when the two halves of the film are viewed as a whole. The first half spends all its time setting up the god character as this all powerful arsehole in the sky (perhaps Bruce Willis with his background of playing morally questionable antiheroes would have been a better choice) only to then have him settle on, perhaps, the most baroque and overly complex plan for the 'redemption' of mankind ever conceived, which leaves the cinemagoer - even Joe sixpack - feeling he could have come up with a better solution. The impact of the Jesus character's sacrifice is further undermined by his popping back up again three days later, perfectly fine and then floating off to paradise. The film, therefore, lacks any real conclusion, the world hasn't changed, nothing is different and the whole thing is left extremely anticlimactic.

The proposed sequel 'Revelation' has been stuck in development hell since the release of The Bible in the mid nineties but Emmerich has expressed a desire to return to the topic and to return to the eye candy of the first half of The Bible with an effects laden destruction of the world that will make The Day After Tomorrow look like Steamboat Willie. Michael Wincott is attached to the latest attempt to bring this film to the cinema, taking over for Jeremy Irons as God while Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have also expressed interest in interviews in the parts of Jesus and The Whore of Babylon respectively. Nothing concrete has settled yet though, so it seems that Revelation will remain in development hell for the near future.

Summary
A confused film, half effects laden, no-brain blockbuster, half cinema-verite talking-heads, lacking a conclusion or climax to justify the budget. Poor plotting and characterisation lead the audience to sympathise with the villains rather than the out-of-control God character or the whiny Jesus

Scores
Style: 3
Substance: 1

Fucking. Bloody. Hell. On. Toast.

I don't think my scorn for religion has entirely gone unnoticed, dear readers, but nonetheless I had considered most of the particular fuss directed at Islam to largely be the result of Daily Mail readers acting hysterical and overblown propaganda. I think I'm forced to revise that opinion.

Bitches be crazy, yo. (As Irwin would say).

I've been watching a muslim forum for a while now and some of the 'mad, whack shit' that goes down in there just staggers my mind.

Open and common praise for Bin Ladin.
Advising people who are unwell not to break their Ramadan fasting - despite (non muslim) doctor's opinions to the contrary and in one case despite a difficult pregnancy and anaemia.
Telling a convert to divorce her husband because he hasn't converted.
Approval of beheadings.

And this is just the moderates...

I haven't stuck my oar in yet but I've watched what happens when someone does and it literally IS cries of 'infidel', at least when the Sunni, Shia and Nation of Islam types aren't all laying into each other anyway. There's no debate, there's not even an attempt to make their case, just screaming and lots of TYPING ALL IN CAPS.

I mean fucking hell, their moderates are as bad as Westboro baptists!

I love it when a plan comes together, especially verbal traps.

Creationist: Atheists are fucking morons!
Our Hero: Who I sleep with is none of your business.
Creationist: You can almost see that British humor working in slow motion.
Our Hero: I'm flattered, but you're really not my type.

Grrrr

At least the unions are against it and at least it isn't another Reg Vardy evangelical school on the cards but, seriously. The ball is being dropped here. We should allow children to learn to think, teach them how to think, before we tell them what to think.

I just got called a 'bodhisattva'.
I don't know whether to be flattered or amused... can a filthy unbeliever even be one?

For being a completely non-spiritual person this sort of thing happens with peculiar regularity.

*Doorbell rings*
*Mrs Humanity opens the door, a hinge breaks as she does so*
Humanity: "Hello, yes?"
Mr Vishnu: *Presents his card* "Vishnu and Zeus, builders.  You called about a problem?"
Humanity: "Oh thank fate you're here Mr Vishnu! We're having all sorts of problems with our universe."
Mr Vishnu: "I'd best come in, Mr Zeus will check the roof, drainage and the outside for you."
Humanity: "Yes, yes, come in, come in, can I get you a cup of ambrosia and a prayer biscuit?"
Mr Vishnu: "No, no... that's fine thanks, let's see what the trouble is.  Shall we start in the kitchen?"
Humanity: "Oh, yes, certainly, if you'll just look over here..."
Mr Vishnu: "Oh my me! You've had the cowboys in here! Look at that, black holes all over the place, cracks up the wall from subsidence... what's that in the oven?"
Humanity: "Oh, those, those are New Species.  We ordered a creationist universe, you know, everything already made, but Jehovah and Son seem to have given us something different."
Mr Vishnu: "Oh yes, they're notorious Jehovah and Son, bodged jobs up and down the multiverse.  Did you pay them?"
Humanity: *visibly flustered* "Well, I wasn't going to, but then Jesus dropped by, he had a black eye and a swollen lip, he said his father was very upset with me for not paying and could I possibly see my way clear to coughing up just to help him out."
Mr Vishnu: "Yeah, I've heard that one before, classic tug at the old heartstrings, all a scam of course."
*Mr Zeus plummets through the roof in a shower of tiles and smashes through the floor into the basement.*
Humanity: "Oh my..."
Mr Vishnu: "I don't think I need to see anything else, this universe isn't up to code, it's not even steady state for crying out loud! Plus you're infested with evolution.  If you hadn't told me different I'd have thought this was one of those messy naturally occuring universes."
Humanity: "Can you fix it?"
*Mr Vishnu sucks his teeth and makes a few notes on a notepad*
Mr Vishnu: "It'll cost ya."
Mr Zeus: (From below the kitchen) "Can I get a hand up? I think I fell in some dark matter."
*Fade*

Even with THIS you have people leaping to their defence, despite their underwhelming test results and their near-fraudulent practices.

Is it foolish of me to still feel pangs of disappointment and horror over, otherwise intelligent, people's views on faith, magic(k), conspiracy theory and so on? Sometimes it feels as though the whole world has quietly slipped into insanity while I wasn't looking.

Ganked from gmskarka

http://www.warrenellis.com/?p=3007

Jhayne Holmes says this:

What with the Washington State Supreme Court handing down its anti-gay-marriage decision several weeks ago and the ever-hearing more about attacks on reproductive rights down south, I’m feeling that the States is tripping a bit too merrily down the Handmaid’s path.

This week, I found a way to strike back.

Focus on the Family, the horrid anti-gay evangelical church based in Colorado Springs that wields too much power for anyone’s good, has a store on their website that will give you books, CDs, and DVDs absolutely free of charge. Usually people pay for their items by donation, raising millions of dollars to help Focus on the Family produce more hate-propaganda featuring “experts” on homosexuality who claim it’s a curable “sickness”. (They’re practically defined by their book A Parent’s Guide to Preventing Homosexuality. Course, there’s no mention of having less kids, which is the only proven method. No, no, you shouldn’t use birth control, that would be wrong. They need more worshippers, how dare you prevent god’s will.)

It’s a little bit time-consuming, but not enough to deter me. (Nor should it you). The chance to take money out of their pockets is too useful, not to mention satisfying.

Here’s how to do it in 10 steps:

1. Go to www.family.org and look for the “Resources” link in the blue bar on the left-hand side, right above the “Search” box, and click it.

2. Under the “Resource Category” menu on the left-hand side, you’ll notice categories such as “Homosexuality” under “Resource Category.” Me, I went straight to the CD’s and DVD’s under “Resource Format.”

3. Go through, find something you like, such as the recently released movie, The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe or The Chronicles of Narnia Radio Theatre Complete Set, suggested donation US $79.00, or the three disc Les Misérables soundtrack. It’s not a very wide range of products, but there’s bound to be something either you like or you could use as a sweet gift for someone else. Click the “Add to Cart” button.

They won’t send more than $100 worth of materials for free in any given shopping trip, so be sure to go through a few times, until you’re sure you’ve dinged them.

4. Select “Add New Shipping Address,” decide to send it yourself or someone else, and once you’re done picking up to $100, click “Proceed to Checkout.” Some people have been sending items to themselves to sell later on eBay, some have been ordering the more controversial items as conversation pieces or educational props, (as anti-anti-propaganda), but I plan on using mine as gifts, mostly. I’ve found no reports on receiving Focus on the Family junk mail after inputting an address, so I figure it’s fairly safe.

5. The next screen asks you to sign-up for an account and give your information. Fill it out with fictitious information, enter whatever name and address you like. You might want to make up a phone number too and an e-mail account too. After filling out all the required fields, click “Proceed to Checkout” one more time.

6. This will take you to the “Here is Your Cart” page. You may have to re-enter your data again after this part to actually confirm your account. Eventually, you’ll get to the “How Much Would You Like to Donate?” page.

7. Select “Enter other total amount” and enter 0.00 as the amount you would like to pay. (Don’t put in a dollar sign or it will ask you for credit-card information.) Don’t be fooled by the field in the lower-right-hand corner that shows you the suggested donation amounts, simply Proceed to Checkout.

8. The next screen is a guilt screen, to make you feel bad about how little you donated. ignore it. Ignore it utterly. Think of how many people they’re persecuted and had in their “gay kids can be cured” camps. Just proceed to checkout again.

9. Click “Checkout Now.”

10. Finally, pass this information on to all your friends. They’ve got money to back them, we have word of mouth, let’s see if we can win.