All blurry, no focus now.

_fxctupchick17 @ 2007-08-28T05:35:00

2007-08-28T10:36:15Z

the only thing I care about right now.

the only thing I'm working towards right now.

_fxctupchick17 @ 2007-08-23T02:09:00

2007-08-23T07:22:23Z

it wouldn't take very much more for the night to go anymore wrong..... what terrible grammar.

as it turns out
i feel closer to some people that didn't even DO anything but I'm very thankful for them

i also learned people i THOUGHT were worth all the time i spend with them
aren't.

how pathetic is it that when hypocrisy is exposed the guilty party gets deeply offended and as a result takes it out on you for stating the obvious thus, ending or severely endangering your "friendship"

sorry i get fed up
but its either deal with a semi-random, but definitely instigated explosion every once and a while from me, or basically never like me because i will never watch my mouth.

my criticism and own attempts to connect through venting falls on deaf ears
while I'm supposed to kiss your wounds you so graciously wear on your sleeve, advertising to whoever takes the time to look up at your billboard of sympathy and drop all their own personal baggage to go on a shopping spree of false empathy for you.

what a joke.

its human to complain.
its human to get sick of hearing everyone else do it to you too with no remorse or reciprocation.

forgive me for being human.

only unlike a human, THIS time, i am not mistaken.

_fxctupchick17 @ 2007-08-21T04:11:00

2007-08-21T09:10:50Z

of course its not offered at my preferred campus

apparently i need to go to miami....

or do some more research.

_fxctupchick17 @ 2007-08-21T03:22:00

2007-08-21T08:30:45Z

some clarity.

i think i decided second semester and a possible summer semester and ill be finished with community college and getting my associates, then im pretty sure im gonna go to art institute in schaumburg. I think im leaning toward this for a few reasons...

i cant really afford to move anytime soon
if i want my computer that will be WORTH it, i need to use it for school too, aka my imac thats going to be all kinds of upgraded and loaded, i will need to justify spending near $3000.
Id like to somehow visit michigan for an extended period of time or something so i think ill talk to jen or something anything from a few days to a week to a couple weeks might be feasible.
Its time i actually think about my future for once instead of just what i want to hold onto or what i feel comfortble with.

Making music videos is one of my closest and most consistent dreams...

lets make it happen.

i feel like i can go to cos school whenever im ready because at this point in my life, it would just be a hobby or extra way to make money, i prefer to do my own hair over random clients, as much as i currently loathe stylists who are picky about what they do and who they do it to, i have a feeling id be beyond the necessary level of pickyness....

i want to be known
admired
but i want to admire myself first and foremost

this is kinda huge for me, no one seems to care i feel pretty serious about all of this
but thats not what matters

just like i havent let recent harsh criticism from others and myself get me down lately
their lack of enthusiasm for me will not be a big deal either.

i really just need to grow up
and i cant force everyone around me to do the same but i hope for the best
i also wish people didnt act like they've already matured when they clearly havent.

i cant wait for the day the tabloids get ahold of my fattie mc fat fat yearbook pictures from any given year and try to bring me down in the same insignificant ways that it seems everyone (self included) does now.

oh change.... i wish you were a faster process.... and easier.

_fxctupchick17 @ 2007-08-14T03:34:00

2007-08-14T09:11:13Z

wow this is going to be long

so

so im back in Illinois, and im not sure how i feel. I definitely miss my old barnes and noble and the house and living with mike and Adam definitely. I miss the way we were all so funny and even if we were all in our rooms doing our own things, it was never really lonely. Ive been thinking about it constantly and i feel like if i go back to finish at occ like i wanted and work at the Rochester B&N again and all the things i did before, i wont keep growing and developing. Thats not to say its completely out of the picture, as in, maybe ill be back, but at a different time, and maybe not to go to occ but to go to OU or something, who knows. Lately im trying to focus on the NOW. I sent away for my transcripts to be sent to Harper and im faxing the credit evaluation form and i guess ill go from there. I miss my old cafe like crazy though. Schaumburg is a lot better than i expected, but still not even close to being the same, and im getting really bad hours meaning im broke. I want a second or better/primary job, but in about a week or so everyone is going to be away at school so im sure ill get bombarded with hours and complain of too many.

Being home just feels weird i guess. My brother not being here is a change for sure, i depended on him for a lot, but hes doing great things and hopefully ill see him soon.My sister and I want to fly out and visit him. If it was up to me, um ROAD TRIP! but my dad would tag along that way and drive my sister and I crazy, which, i love him dearly, but he just tends to drive us all a little crazy. My mom hasn't been around either, shes sick and it makes me upset to think about how hard life is for her right now, but on the same note, shes the only one who can make the right decisions to help herself. I don't want to even finish unpacking EVERYTHING and decorate my room and what not because i feel like ill be leaving soon again.

Im dying.... DYING! to move into my own cute apartment. Problems? funds, location, furnishing, FUNDS.... i dont PARTICULARLY want a roomate, depending on the apartment. Id like to live with adam and mike again, adam expressed interest which makes me happy, but i dont really feel i could REALLY move out with any of my other friends at THIS point. no offense, but i have my reasons, its a financial, maturity, save face, kinda deal.

money is really effecting me now that im home, which is weird because it should effect me LESS since i dont have a rent/utilities to pay for. BUT!.... i just had to shovel out money i didnt have to buy a new sidekick, cancel tmobile, get helio setup, and car payments etc. I would really really like to be able to save significant amounts of money so i can pay mike back for good, pay my dad back, get an apartment, finance a new car, get a new loaded imac, and basically live comfortbly and start being focused on getting MY life started. Ellen G the Adult. weird right?

im finally getting back to a narrow-er career field. Its basically something in film, music, cosmetology, and business ... combined?... we'll see. the imac inspired me. obviously rockstar isnt in my future, but i plan to make it big in some way.

I really want to take a mini sorta road trip before the summer is really officially over. I think maybe boston or something.... once again though, i have zero money. I really feel the need to take that huge cross country road trip eventually because i fell for michigan so fast... i feel like if i give other places a chance i will find some i love so much more or the same etc. i just havent seen them.

Im really hoping to get to save up to go to spain next summer too, that would be so amazing. And living in austrailia for an extended period of time like 6months to a year is really coming up a lot in my thoughts lately too. Its just always been a dream.

I want big things for myself. I dont want to settle. I want to better myself, i want a routine to some extent, but a routine i can live with.

Everyone is and has changed it seems.

I dont feel like i can fully trust anyone anymore. Not even my closest friends. They are all so different now. I find myself wanting to spend time alone or limit the time i spend with them. Its not always something personal, i just feel like i need a break sometimes, but i also think part of it is people are trying to convince themselves everyone else is changing, when its really them... how hypocritical of me to say... but ive tried to be as objective as i can but i feel like im still as close to myself as ever. I see my friends stomping all over each others feelings. I see myself being replaced and removed from others lives. i see cocky attitudes taking over and complete disregard for my feelings as long as they keep their image and keep their friend quantity up.

wow that hurts.

i dont want you to think ill be around when you decide to come around again because your new fair weather friends showed their true colors and moved on faster than you.

isnt it weird when everyone around you finally start to notice how you've felt for what seems like forever?
basically
even my dad is trying to hint at me getting a boyfriend.
I dont even want someone whose all omghot i just want a boy to make me laugh and i feel completely comfortable with cuddling and hand holding is really all i ask for.

its like i said to mike the other night "if anyone DOES actually like me im completely oblivious or they arent obvious"

i feel restless
i want things to go right for once
i want to stick to making myself better for once

just something go right.
just this once.

_fxctupchick17 @ 2007-08-13T04:15:00

2007-08-13T09:16:33Z

4:15 AM

oh hello livejournal

i've got a few things to say

and by few
i mean many

but .... maybe thats why i have tomorrow off.

to update.
then re-read it a few times, and make sense of myself.

yes.
that's what ill do.
tomorrow then.

_fxctupchick17 @ 2007-06-18T23:39:00

2007-06-19T03:48:02Z

get over it.

im looking for potential roomates to move to rochester hills michigan with me im hoping maybe october or something, but we'll see

im so broke
i shouldnt even be considering this
but somethings holding me here
i cant shake it

people arent so fake.
right?
weird. i was all anti-michigan, now i dont want to leave, maybe its the independence i love
but we'll see

i had a weird day

there was this guy last week, when adam and i were cruisin.
i got gas, he pulled in, he was awfully good looking, i couldnt break my stare.
he turned in our subdivision, but we were crusin, so we didnt, maybe id see him again.
adam assures me that i wont say anything.

20 minutes later we made a huge round about route to end up going north on crooks after some confusion.
he ended up being the car next to us some how.
he turned the corner after a while.
adam once again assures me i wouldnt say anything, but we notice how strangely fate worked to bring him there again.

today he walks into barnes and noble as i was sitting talking to natalya.
i tell her the story of how weird and coincidental this all was.
as hes walking out, he and natalya make eye contact, wave and he comes back in.
we all (jen nat the guy and i) talk for abour 45 minutes
it was weird
yeah, a lot weird.
nat was trying to hook me up at first, then felt like he was chasing her, then jen, then we all decided he was kinda weird, but idk something is still not sitting with me right about the whole thing

why so many random encounters?

he also knew evan somehow.
his name is spencer.

jen and i were freaking out a little so went outside for a bit, then he left while we were out there
i saw his car as he left.....

it was definitely the same boy.
weird.

in other news,
im still so head over heels for my work guy.
everything about him intrigues me more and makes me want to be in his arms.
tomorrow i take a huge leap
and hopefully ask him to a movie

wish me luck?
self?

i need a care package with some confidence and a side of determination.
im ready to throw out my self doubt.

_fxctupchick17 @ 2007-06-08T19:49:00

2007-06-08T23:52:42Z

i hate this...

so many things are going on right now
huge decisions slapping me in the face
minor conflicts driving me up the wall
i dont know what im doing in life
or where im doing it

i desperately want like 3 more months in michigan
but all my shit is officially in Illinois.

im soon to follow around june 24th-ish

adam and i want to live together in a condo or something soon
we're gonna try and talk about it soon.

we will sucker mike into living with us or being our neighbor or something.

i wish he felt SOMETHING for me, he being the only guy ive liked in a while, and i mean LIKE, not crush or lust.

_fxctupchick17 @ 2007-05-02T11:14:00

2007-05-02T15:15:17Z

Last day at B&N: Sunday June 3rd
Move back to Illinois: Wednesday June 6th
First day available to work in Illinois:Tuesday June 12th

visiting home may 12-15th

dont try and make me feel bad
i wont

i love my roomates and im taking this time that we finally arent all in school to stay here and hang out with them

suck it.

_fxctupchick17 @ 2007-05-02T00:17:00

2007-05-02T04:19:29Z

dont try and make me feel guilty,
im pretty sure i know what im doing.

_fxctupchick17 @ 2007-04-18T14:23:00

2007-04-18T18:24:54Z

sad
this was the last valencia/tdr sleepover
and i slept or was out of it most of the time

they should schedule an extra show out here just because.

i need an apartment and to live on my OWN own for a while... house is too much for me, and im worried about going back with my dad, i love him and everything but .... im going to be 20 with a curfew still

i want taco bell :(
i was taco denied last night because i was nice and drove max jd and guy whos name i never caught, to meijer (mayerrrr) to get non-tbell food

then i just fell asleep
til like 5 minutes before they left today
i suck

_fxctupchick17 @ 2007-04-16T03:34:00

2007-04-16T07:33:29Z

im pathetic and i suck.
im not looking for reassurance of anything else
i know its true and you do also.

_fxctupchick17 @ 2007-03-28T00:26:00

2007-03-28T04:29:34Z

you know what i hate?

being lied to.

seriously, how fucking stupid do you think i am?
i admit to being naive about certain things
but
i know what the hell im talking about most of the time or i dont say anything.
dont you fucking decieve me, it will catch up to you.

if you dont like what i have to say, aka the truth without the sugarcoating, then dont ask. I have no problem keeping it to myself, which is what i do.

but dont ask and expect me to let you walk all over me and pretend you know more than i do when you really dont.

if you knew, why would you ask?

if i didnt know, i wouldnt act like i do.

_fxctupchick17 @ 2007-03-25T00:06:00

2007-03-25T04:05:23Z

I'm okay.

Lately ive been real thankful for Dom, Erin, and Tim.

they're good people.

_fxctupchick17 @ 2007-03-21T12:30:00

2007-03-21T16:32:52Z

gullible
sucker
foolish
innocent
naive
wideeyed
unsuspecting
simple

victim

_fxctupchick17 @ 2007-03-17T02:44:00

2007-03-17T06:50:45Z

sometimes i really cant believe myself
the way things are going
in 3 months
ill be the happiest girl in the worrrrrllllddddd

but
a lot can change
keeping that in mind makes me sad
but every word i read makes me smile
i never thought "babyyyy" would make my day

but
temptation is there
keeping that in mind keeps me grounded
but every word i read makes me jealous or suspicious
i never thought id "fall" for someone this way

im not sure where im going
but i hope the journey stays on this track that keeps me smiling
i love it.

people will see me right after i read a message and ask why im smiling
"cant i just smile?"
no, why are you so happy all of a sudden? what did i do?
"nothing, cant i just be happy?"
no, what is wrong with you
"nothing, im just happy."

dont let this be a dream
dont let this end
dont take away my smile.

_fxctupchick17 @ 2007-03-09T00:30:00

2007-03-09T05:31:39Z

hmm, must be nice.

_fxctupchick17 @ 2007-03-07T22:16:00

2007-03-08T03:48:28Z

im still having problems with my eyes

2 short months and ill be back home

i think it might be kind of .... bittersweet.

bitter: ill miss adam and mike, i kinda feel terrible about it, im not sure they completely understand why i want to go, and also adam made it clear hes going to be alone a lot, so as much as i can id like to visit but im also kinda going to be tied down a lot. My dad made it pretty clear also that i need to be working full time hours because i dont want to take summer school, my standpoint is, i need a break from school and i dont want to rush it if i have no idea what im doing once i get to the next level. Jets Pizza and TCBY. I like my job and the people i work with for the most part, and restarting all over, even if i get a transfer will suck, we all know i suck at meeting new people. Moving BACK home is a lot different than just visiting or moving out, or living home. I dont feel like a failure because this was my plan all along, but at the same time, i wanted to get out so bad when i was there to avoid getting angry so often at people i love the most, its so easy to be rational when i dont have to be around it 24/7, Also it might be either good or bad my brother might be there when i move back or not, i want him to be, but then i have no bedroom.... bittersweet.

sweet: ill be home with all my friends and family again (minus mike and adam) and i will be more financially stable, i will have the summer off, potential summer festivities, less responsibility, WEE WEEEEEE (aka felix) and Stanley, saving money, chicagoooooo, i can start going to shows again, carpet!, big driveway, jamba juice, multiplayer guitar hero, fenced in yard for chewy, jewel osco, new license pic?, possibly a G6 and vanity plates, speaking of vanity..... more time with erin my loveee :) no more 5 hour drives alone

on my last note.... i was taking an online survey the other day and one question was about pet peeves and i couldnt really name my biggest one..... i figured it out.... its when i definitely know what im talking about and i tell someone and they completely disreguard what i say and when im right, i have to do everything i can to bite my tounge and not say "i told you so"

i dont get mad, just irritated

im a liar
my last last note
is

ive been having some REALLY fucked up dreams lately, sooooo that kinda is making me uneasy.

_fxctupchick17 @ 2007-03-03T03:46:00

2007-03-03T08:56:54Z

its times like these i really appreciate my friends

small gestures really go a long way sometimes

tonight the show was awesome i thought, i loved every band that played and i didnt get towed for parking at mc donalds
my back is really UV burnt from tanning but i forgot about it since the show was so awesome
i would do freaking.... almost anything to tour with jonezetta or something

When i got home i was pretty tired, and just was sitting in my sisters bed all pj-ed up ready to pass out
but i get an IM from brandon saying to come outside and bring guacomole haha

basically Brian and Brandon surprised me and we sat in my driveway for a bit just talking and listening to music
made a quick t-bell run and then they sang tenacious d to me haha

simple gestures like that really do go a long way and make me thankful for the friends i have

adam said something that got me thinking a while ago
he said i seem so miserble when im home, but everyone here thinks im miserble when im there
its really....
im just not happy with MYSELF...

sometimes different things piss me off in either environment and i sometimes i will be more dramatic about it than necessary.... but i honestly think if i finally was happy enough with myself it would be easier for me to stand up for myself or deal with people over all

i hate being the downer, and i constantly feel like i am
so im working on it

another thing that bothers me
is when people act like they're naieve, when they arent
why bother?

anyway

i love my friends
ill show it more when im happier on my own.

dont worry about me, just be supportive.

_fxctupchick17 @ 2007-02-21T19:29:00

2007-02-22T01:16:25Z

First off, ill be home/back in town Feb 25th-March 4th

im pretty excited
im also pretty happy my class got cancelled tonight and i got a 99cent waffle cone from tcby :)

its ash wednesday
at least im 90% sure it is
either way
this means im off meat again til easter

which sucks when i think about going home to bww :(
but im not very religious, this is the one little thing i do and i shouldnt compromise it.

im really excited to go to jonezetta at the meto, hopefully, this kid mike is working on getting me on the list
i will be pretty miserble if i cant go

Valencia comes soon
its going to be all of our last times here together probably
and we're going to parrrr-taayyyy haha

anytime i see someone come into my work with their grandparents i miss my grandma
anytime i see someone come into my work with their mom, i miss my mom.... who she was.

i hope to see more people while im home this time, and not just end up eating the whole time,
i like to hang out and do other things besides stuff my fat face.

i hope to get a boyfriend soon
or a new crush at least

even if hes in IL and we do the online/phone thing for a few months before im back
or if hes here and we end up doing the online/phone thing after a few months
im lonely and my confidence just keeps getting lower and lower with every passing day that i dont have someone with any interest in me.
its even harder without someone to focus my interest on even if i would get turned down.
i think im picky, but at the same time, there are so many guys i could potentially like, anytime someone likes me they are creepy or gross or completely opposite of anything i could want ..... it just sucks.
spikey haired guy from my work is 100% out of my league, i wish it wasnt that way.

something is up with my left eye lately
it keeps getting irritated and teary.

the end.

_fxctupchick17 @ 2007-02-04T01:29:00

2007-02-04T06:31:38Z

I have a terrible habit/curse of speaking too soon.

RIP Joyce Muldoon

Grandma I always loved and will love you, i hope you're somewhere beautiful.
You will be greatly missed.

_fxctupchick17 @ 2007-02-03T01:03:00

2007-02-03T06:11:13Z

i need to stop being so sad, but i cant help it.

So many things are going on at home and all i can do is read away messages about them.

thats SERIOUSLY what its coming down to, and thats really disturbing.

besides that, being alone and what not when im not constantly at work or at school is frustrating.

i cant even write about this anymore, my eyes are getting so blurry lately idk what it is, stress again i guess

im physically deteriorating(sp) and its half my fault and half out of my control.

i need an intervention.

i also need to stop getting upset at activity going on without me.

_fxctupchick17 @ 2007-01-31T14:39:00

2007-01-31T20:23:57Z

this is bound to be really long so ill do

first of all heres some happy or shallow things id like to mention...
i got my johnny cupcakes shirt today, i love it, it also came with a j cup mint, button, and card about the new shirts coming saturday. (also some weird 80's trading card) I love everything about and by johnny cupcakes, even how he wrapped my shirt, it was amazing. I want to go broke over buying everything he makes.

also next weekend my sister and her boyfriend are coming, im so happy! It will have been a month since i had a taste of home, usually working myself silly with my job and school keeps me occupied enough to ignore it, but lately ive been especially homesick. Last night i got a call from erin, brian, cj, and mike. it made me soooo happy to hear from them, but at the same time i miss them so much and i wish i could have been right there with them.

I just called OCC and they said checks were mailed monday.... so hopefully mine comes soon or i have to go crack some skulls. They have sent my grades 3 times and an invitation to the honor roll thing.... but i dont think ill be joining it because this is either my last semester at occ, or second to last. (i need to talk to a counselor about transfering to harper or even COD or something).

lately ive been getting called into work a lot. More specifically the last 3 days. Sunday Emily was late so i had to stay late, almost 10 hours, but i didnt mind that day because i thought i would see my hottie mc hot hot guy with the soy hazelnut mocha haha. Monday renee went home sick so i got called in early, earliest i could get there was 11 instead of 12 then meghan kinda peer pressured me into staying til 6:30 instead of 6. Then the next day i was so excited to start at 7PM! but then i get a call around 4 from meghan saying something about her friend broke down somewhere blah blah blah, i had no clean work clothes so i literally couldnt get there til they were done, i was in by 6... today....day off woo! but class later and i still need to read. Don't get me wrong, for the most part i like my job, people are pretty cool, i love the cafe girls, some booksellers are cool, but now they are giving us all these new rules because they clearly dont trust us. like we have to keep anything besides a coat in the break room instead of the back, waste has to be approved at night, managers are going in the back and looking for drinks and stuff sitting out without a recepit, etc. its just so lame, and meghan is walking on thin ice and i feel bad but at the same time she keeps causing her own problems.

no one who i work with, i think, is remotely attractive, closest it gets is evan from music but hes still kinda ew and im 78% sure he hates me for some reason. Nick is some like 28 year old d00d who flirts with all the cafe girls but especially emily, who gets upset people pair them together but its herfault for flirting back... then this kid michael is a bookseller too i guess he'd be ok, but hes 17 i think and ehhh no. Natalya got the only cute guy there and hes gone now anyway. On that note, i love natalya. i just found out shes 20 and graduated in 05 like me and i felt 20493209 times closer to her after finding that out, i cant really explain why, i guess i can just relate more to her now, like she doesnt seem so much older and higher up or something. Im hoping to become better friends with her even though she will barely be working now because of school :(

now onto the deeper things....

i touched earlier on the phone call last night... i got an IM from erin earlier that day too, and we both realize we're busy but we havent been talking to eachother as much and it makes me really sad. I want time to speed up so i can move back home again but at the same time.... i would miss a lot too. Im already missing out on experiences back home, i shouldnt short myself of things here. Also i feel bad for being bitter about it, but i was really upset when i found out cj is going to CA with erin to see carson daily and fall out boy and stuff. I could care less about carson and fob, but the fact he is supposed to be one of my best friends and he didnt even ask or mention it to me, i had to find out by away message and when i asked him about it hes like "yeah you should come blah blah" but the thing is, the plans are already made, im not going to be that uninvited third wheel. I know he didnt mean it that way, but then i got even more upset when i thought about the fact he can go across the country to see a band, but cant be bothered to go 5 hours to see me? and not have to pay for a plane or hotel etc. i mentioned it to him but he only said his parents were paying for it as a birthday gift. Must be nice. I'm not going to stay mad or irritated i told him have fun and i mean it so im dropping it. I will go to california one day, on my own terms.

It seems like people are using the internet more and more for things, yeah its impersonal, but its really the only way to keep in contact sometimes. I agree with how upset a majority of my friends are about certain issues, and i understand completely... but we're all 18-20 years old, theres no reason to act 12. We all know people deal with things differently, but theres a difference between dealing with it, and avoiding dealing with it by being a dick and saying thats how you deal. This goes for BOTH sides. Anyone involved knows what im talking about and if you've made it so far as to read this entry you deserve a slap of reality. Im not going to name names or sugar coat. People who close themselves off (i am one of them so dont even think about offending me and saying i dont understand) do NOT close themselves off to the point of hurting other people in the process, there is a reason, whether sub concious or not, you close yourself off and its to protect yourself and those closest to you, if that isnt your goal by doing so, youre doing it for all the wrong reasons and have no concept of empathy. There comes a point where even the most selfish and hurt people can draw the line and see their destructive behavior has lost those who care about them and is even physically hurting themself. Anyone who isnt completely brain dead at this point would take a look at themself and realize they have been sulking over the same things for a long time and clearly their approach is NOT working.

On the other side of the spectrum, if you see someone hurting and they have made it clear they do not want your help, whether they think they dont need it, they dont like what you have to say, or they are just being spiteful, give up on that, but dont give up on them. Petty insults about something someone already knows will not change them, it will just drive them further away. You've lost them already, dont lock the door after them, nothing ever ends up the same that way. They were once your everything, but now you'd do anything to see them so miserable so they admit their mistake.

in this case however, i have to agree with the "other side." I'm not one for second chances, but this is by far, way past your second chance, and not only with me. You made your decisions that bordered selfish at the time, now they are flat out cruel. Although i dont agree with petty insults and online bickering, i do agree you have crossed the line and screwed over everyone close to you for someone who could care less, someone who hated all of your friends out of their own insecurity and leached off your lack of selfesteem to keep you on a short enough leash to do what they want, while controlling your life in the process, and not to sound like a dick, but we all know its simply that, so dont pull in other issues in a last minute effort to justify selfishness.

i have a headache just trying to word everything i say carefully enough to not regret it later, so this is where i end.

I LOVE all of my friends, i just wish they could all see themselves sometimes, they really are all i have.

there it iswhile im ahead.

_fxctupchick17 @ 2007-01-24T02:44:00

2007-01-24T08:11:52Z

sooo no ones online for me to tell
but i have a sweet new idea for my hair
and it involves purple (so?)
and yea, im going to attempt it again, 5 years later.... pink (gasp!)

so hopefully my hair starts growing faster (shakes fist)
then....
black all ova
blonde (yeah killing my hair again)
like... SUPER white bleached streaks in the front and tips (while my sister is here ima have her do it)
and then purple either on half the streaks numberwise, or half the streaks like fade effect from the bleached blonde
then in the front the tips will be pink and purple, the pink isnt going to be PINK PINK, its gonna be like a darker pink, almost magenta, and fuck manic panic ultra violet, that blows.... i might order manic panic gel color ($20 for both tubes, im still debating) because it says it lasts longer and i wont need ALOT....
but yeah im excited.
i want it to work out and look cool
im sick of lame hair
im young, i need to experiment.
and until my hair gets its lovely length back, i need to find a way to not be miserable.

heres my ms paint drawing :)

clearly, this was more important than homework.... or sleep.
my paint drawing makes the picture in my head look like gold aka the paint drawing sucks haha

omg what if i put gold in my hair instead?!#!$@# hahahaha so many ideas!

_fxctupchick17 @ 2007-01-17T07:31:00

2007-01-17T12:34:32Z

this isnt really necessary for me to update, but i think i need to as reassurance.

i just dropped my design class
1.5 hours before it started.

fuck that teacher who mumbles
fuck $70 in art supplies i will never use
fuck learning nothing i dont already know
fuck waking up early on wednesdays
fuck that class
im going back to bed!

i hope i did it right otherwise im out $200, or rather, my dad is :(
i gotta remember to call him and tell him.....
so basically, now if my credits dont transfer back to harper, or even COD or oakton or something, its either one more credit i didnt waste money on taking, or one more class ill have to potentially stay behind to finish :(