Happy Birthday
Happy Birthday to you
I hope you're having the time of your life.
I hope you enjoy spending time with people that dont really care about you as much as I ever did.
I hope its been fun having conversations about things that dont matter with people who dont get to deep.
I hope its been a relief getting fucked up all the time and not having to worry about people just trying to look out for your best interests.
I hope things are going well for you......in all honesty.....because if I knew that you were genuinely happy, then maybe I could be to....
But I really dont think you are.....Im sure you're having fun, but at the end of the day, when you go home and you're alone.....do you think about everything?
Do you think about me? Because I think about you every single day.....& I wonder.... am I just wasting my time? Should I just let it go? Should I just stop caring and stop making any sort of effort to talk to you? Because you told me that I could.....but you seemed to shy away from that as soon as I reached out.
If I didnt make an effort the first time we stopped talking for a year.....would anything have changed at all? Would we have started to talk again. Does it even matter to you?
Why am I the one who always seems to get stuck and try with everything I have to fix things?
Do you care? Honestly......or is that the apathy coming in? Do you just say fuck it all?
Do you think its funny to let your so called friends talk about me? Because to this day, I never let anyone say anything bad about you. & obviously there have been many conversations since Halloween that you have been brought up. Should I stop defending you so much.....
Should I be the one who says fuck it all? & just let people start to dish it out?
Should I be the one to be like....8 year? ehhh thats nothing, it doesnt matter.
Because when I spoke of loyalty.....this is it. Even though shit is terrible right now, I never stopped loving you or caring about you or thinking about you and where you are and how youre doing and how things are going. Im at a point where I just feel like I need to know exactly what is going on in your mind or I need to just seriously delete every single part of you I still have left in me. Where its just picking at me every single day. I just need to know if there is any hope that we will eventually get to talk things out. I need it and I need it quick because I really dont know how much longer I can go on like this......
& I'll be honest.....my feelings towards Camilla will never change. Its so far gone already and I will NEVER be able to be cordial with her. Im sure you know that already, but I feel like it needs to be said.
& as I said before, I know things can never be the way they used to be.....I dont even want them to be, but Im just really driving myself crazy everyday wondering if its really this easy for you to throw everything we've been through away. There are so many years we've had and you have yet to make an effort. Ive picked up the phone twice already and tried to talk to you, but you havent done it even once......
I just dont understand why.