|Mikey is so cool
||[Dec. 20th, 2004|03:33 am]
I think Mikey has got to be the greatest guy ever. |
Because he's such a great guy and I never do anything in return.... I painted him a picture. I'm all excited because it's kind of good. I can't wait to go give it to him. *big smile*
( NostalgiaCollapse )
||[Dec. 20th, 2004|03:15 am]
Taken from my journal. April 29, 2004: "Thinking back on when I was a kid is weird. I guess I still am a kid, but I'm so middle-aged. I'm a prude, 38 year old woman with a bad haircut and big thighs. *pout*... There are just certain things that I feel I've missed out on as a teenager, and I'm almost 18 now. I missed out on normal sitcom-based banter with my mother, and taking my dad's car keys as I run out for a date. I've missed out on dating. I wasn't really told I was pretty til after I gained weight, which is dumb, cuz looking back, even though I thought I was fat as a kid, I was cute... and no one told me. I think my dad should have made me stay on the swim team when I was 10. I think I should have been treated to guitar lessons and that my parents should have been there at the dining room table to sit with me when I was doin gmy homework. Everyone says I'm so lucky, cuz my parents have $$$... So what? My parents don't joke around with my friends or trust me to spend the night at a guys house (even gay guys)... I have no idea about college, I've always been pressured about school. No one looked in to ADD until I was 16... I feel right now that I'm fat, insecure, alone, and annoying. People don't want to be assosiated with me because I'm going to be a 5th year senior, or they feel sorry for me. I always feel like I weigh 400 lbs if I go to a drive-thru. I can't smile at a guy without wondering if he's thinking "ugh, why is that thing looking at me?!". Just stuff that should be different, isn't. I just got contacts... even though I asked for them since I was 12. And my mom bought me a gym membership, but I have no one to go to the gym with and it's stupid to think that I can do that on my own. I have no motivation. Grr."|
HAS NOTHING CHANGED?! What happened to progressing in life? I still feel fat when I go to fast food, I still feel alone, annoying, fat, and insecure. I don't have a boyfriend and I'm a huge prude. My goodness gracious. I am a middle aged woman with big thighs and a bad hair cut!!! (Actually, I quite like my hair... But my thighs are huge!)
|Distracting OCD Survey
||[Dec. 18th, 2004|12:08 am]
|[||How I Feel
THREE NAMES YOU GO BY:
3. Pinky/ Pinky Jean
THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD:
3. bsbluvzme (gimme a break, I was 13)
THREE THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. my innocence
2. my sense of humor
3. my hair
THREE THINGS YOU HATE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. my weight
2. my acne
3. my need to overanalyze things
THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:
3. native american
THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
2. being on stage
THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
1. clean undies
2. my glasses
3. a stupid conversation
THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:
1. black cami
2. black cardigan
3. blue jeans
THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS (or artists(at the moment)):
1. counting crows
2. blessid union of souls
THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS AT PRESENT:
1. scenes from a coffee house- buos
2. round here- counting crows
3. my friend- buos
THREE NEW THINGS YOU WANT TO TRY IN THE NEXT 12 MONTHS
1. approach a guy in a flirtacious manner
2. move to utah
3. be confident
THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP (love is a given):
3. a best friend
TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE
1. my hair is hot pink
2. i sell smack to nazis
3. im in love
THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX (or same) THAT APPEAL TO YOU:
1. warm hands
2. straight teeth
3. being taller than me
THREE THINGS YOU JUST CAN'T DO:
1. lie convincingly
2. spell necesary correctly.... ever
3. the running man
THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES:
2. staring at boys butts
THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW:
1. my mom alive and healthy
2. david to be in love with me
3. to be skinny
THREE CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING:
1. interior designer
2. fashion designer
3. 2nd grade teacher
THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION:
THREE KID'S NAMES
1. cadence anne
2. autumn persephone
3. judith ashley
THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
1. be happy
2. learn to play guitar
3. make someone else happy
|UGH! Donno what to say.
||[Dec. 17th, 2004|01:46 am]
|[||How I Feel
So, I don't have a mom. How weird huh? Like, yeah. I donno, I kind of accept it cuz now she isn't in pain anymore... But like still, most girls can call their mom for recipes or wahtever when they live on their own and I can't. My mom didn't even get to see my apartment. God damn, I keep crying and I'm like why am I crying cuz I told her that if she's in pain then she should pull the plug. And she did and now I'm a mess.
Really though, thanks to everyone who's being all "supportive". Cuz I really appreciate how it's not pity. It's like thats the one thing I don't want at all. Pity. It's not even cool.
God, David says I need to get some sleep. I don't want to sleep. He should get some sleep. I've been giving him a hard time I'm sure. After all day being kind of melancholy, I leave his house at like 10:30pm. I get home and call the hospital to check on whats up and the nurse is like "Your mother passed at (:45 and I'm sorry I had to be the one to tell you". So, my initial reaction isn't "Holy crap, my mom's dead", it's "Holy crap, no one called me?!". I gave David's number to like 2 people. So, yeah. Whatever. There was a message on my phone at 10 that was from my moms friend that was like "Sarah I think you should give me a call". But I wasn't at home, so screw that.
I ended up on David's porch, cuz I called him like 10 times and he wasnt answering his phone. His brother's girlfriend answered and I was in tears so she was freaked out. But he came to the door, and he's such an angel. I didn't even have to say anything. He just gave me this huge hug and I instantly began to feel better. All I could really manage to say was "9:45 and I didn't find out til 11:00"... Then I sat in his brother's living room til 1:30 and we didn't really talk about anything. We made occasional sarcastic comments about the people on TV, but mostly he just let me hang on to him for comfort. And it worked.
But I'm alone now. And I need a hug again. And I can't sleep. And I donno what I should be doing. I don't know what's okay for me to do.
There's no ettiquate (sp) on what to do when your mommy dies and you're still just a kid. Am I supposed to dress in black and not joke around with people. Is there like a time period where I should want to be left alone. I mean... I wish I could just ya know... move on. But Right now I'm shivering and my throat hurts and I miss my mommy. Cuz like at summer camp I could always be like "I miss my mommy" and then they sent me home and I miss my mommy now but I can't see her. and i cant ever see her again. and i dont wanna see her body. and if its an open casket at the funeral, i dont wanna go and nobody can make me.
Stupid fucking hate it god damn shittt..tttl;jksd
I donno. Okay? I really don't know anything right now and I cant even believe I opened up and am writing whatever cuz it makes me feel like ablubbering idiot, but whatever. I can be a blubbering idiot right now cuz I fucking say I can.I'm gonna go watch disney movies and eat french fires.
Nothing feels right. I need comfort and a hug wont do. God......
I'm sorry for anyone who's reading this and is all sad now. But don't pity me okay. Please don't. I'll be okay and my mom's okay now cuz she's not sick anymore and she went peacefully in her sleep and happy christmas?
Someone told me "Well, don't have a happy one, but try to have a decent christmas". I like that.
i feel really needy right now. I want to grab onto david and cling to his arm. You might ask "why david? what the hell is your problem"... but see, davids been pretty much a constant in my life. he's there whenever i need to cry, cuz he makes me feel safe and at home. and whenever my dad says something mean, or my mom would say something to upset me, i could just call and cry and he would just listen. and that one time in SEED where he said he tried to kill himself a couple years ago, and i started bawling... i dont know what i would do if anything happened to him. i dont even care if i ever date him or if he ever likes me in a romantic way... i just need to be able to get to him and he gives the best hugs and he's been so good today.
god i feel like this is being about a boy and not my mom, but i donno what to say about my mom ya know. i mean, she's my mom... or she was my mom. and it's like... she isn't here anymore... but he is. and it's like, he's the one person i can turn to. not to offend anyone, cuz like you know i love you all, especially you cas. but likei can't cry to you, i feel like a fucking idiot ogre. i mean, i'm taller and fatter than you and it think it would be weird for you to comfort me ya know? cuz i need to feel safe. and i need someone to old me, and you can't. and david's been here longer. and i dont even know why im trying to explain myself.
im upset right now and if i offend you in here, too fucking bad to the lot of you. now isnt a time for anyone to cross me. i am a crazy woman with a runny nose and i will hurt you.
i'm really gonna go eat french fries now.
||[Dec. 16th, 2004|11:07 pm]
My mom died at 9:45 pm on Thursday, December 16, 2004.|
I'm gonna throw up. I don't want to talk to anybody.
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