i do it so it feels like hell.

_forebode @ 2005-01-17T19:39:00

2005-01-17T08:44:27Z

I did that what age are you meme? and i'm 28! Go me!

I have lots of things to say, but no energy to say it. I hope I'm working with the person I like working with. We were working Olympic Park together, so there is no reason why we shouldn't work RLA together. Except that it's the Australian Open. And the boss was peeved that boss 2 took us from her shift and placed us on boss's 2 shift. Heh heh. She said, She'll be mad, but she always takes my good workers, so I'm taking her good workers.

We're good workers, whoo hoo!

i'm tired.

rah. fuckin' RAH.

that's enough.

_forebode @ 2005-01-17T18:35:00

2005-01-17T07:36:53Z

rah. rah rah rah! rah! fuckin' RAH.

_forebode @ 2005-01-13T11:01:00

2005-01-13T00:03:50Z

I AM NEVER GOING TO FIND A PLACE TO LIVE!!!!

Disclaimer: Lack of sleep makes for sloppy spelling!

2005-01-12T07:19:00Z

I got my letter from Sabine today! Can I just say now, that you're the cutest thing? I love her handwriting. Chris should take lessions in handwriting from Sabine. ;)

Chris, remind me to photocopy my brother's handwriting for you. (Other people: My little brother and Chris, have, like, the same handwriting. It's weird!)

My eyes huuuuuuuuuurt. But I don't caaaaaaaaare. I love my hours now (10pm to 8.30amish). The time goes by so much faster-- cos I work with this wicked woman, and we spend half the time pissing ourselves with laughter. She rocks!

Yesterday (or, this morning), we were sorting some stuff out, and the bleach bottle had a wonky nozzle. So, I'm squirting it, trying to fix it, and I accidently squirt her shirt. So, I stop everything, and look at her. She hasn't realised this, but she's looking at me. I crack up, put the bottle down, and run out of the storage space, and close the sliding door. From THERE, I tell her what I did, andpleasedon'thitme!

So funny. I guess you just have to be there. :p Her shirt has a long streak of butt-ugly pink on it now.

And between the hours of 1am and 6am, I get a little pay rise. So, in working 2 nights, I got a hellavalotta money already. *sings* I'm in the money,I'm in the money!

I do seem to miss nighttime sleep though. And don't even ask me what the date is, cos I won't know!

I went to Centrelink with 1000 papers of supporting documentation, and now I'm a free woman! No debt for me! WHOOOFUCKINGHOOO!

ANDANDAND!! IAN AND I ARE SEEING RUFUS WAINWRIGHT NEXT MONTH! IT IS OBSCENE HOW HAPPY I AM ABOUT THIS!!! Ian, would you like the money now (via mail), or will you wait until then for it? (No tickets? that's just odd. :|)

I think that from now on, I need to have a riddle a day. Here is the riddle from last night, and I thought it was a good one:

There's an english word with 5 letters. You can remove 4 of those 5 letters, and still retain the original pronoucuation. What is that word?

Just a few things...

2005-01-04T09:32:34Z

- I just finished "The Da Vinci Code." I liked it, but I don't get the hype over it. Maybe it'll be my new kill bill: the first time I saw kill bill (vol2) I was all "is that it?" But the 2nd time I watched it I noticed a whole bunch of things that I missed the first time-- and now I love it. But Da Vinci Code was a good read.

- I need a new book to read, and fast, if I'm to try and read over 25 books this year.

- I love that Judy loves Miss Honey, I really, really do.

- I saw Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, and it was lush. I love it. If I were a boy, I would have Joel's haircut, because it's so fucking gorgeous. I need an ESOTSM avatar.

- Someone send me a text message recommending me a book, pleeeeease?

- Ian- Rufus may not happen. I'll have to talk to you soon about it.

- Kristen, apart from "Tony" what else stood out for you? But I love that you love Tony. ;) Ask Chris, he knows how much I love it.

_forebode @ 2005-01-04T19:34:00

2005-01-04T08:48:28Z

My housemates had a party last night. Monday night.

5.30pm: I get home. Have had horrible day, and suddenly have house full of 20 people who I don't know. Have missed medication for past three days. Am shaking.

6.00pm: On phone with mum, trying to calm down and accept that parties are not there for my personal hell, but for other people to celebrate.

6.01pm: Am childishly bitter about this birthday in comparison to my own.

6.30pm: Give up trying to make myself dinner after being unable to reach kitchen due to crap everwhere, and people.

8.00pm: Getting ready for bed.

8.30pm: Listening to drunk people outside my window.

8.35pm: The floor starts to vibrate as people play SingStar.

8.45pm- 9.30pm: Drunk people outside my window singing. People playing SingStar singing. People decide that outside my door is a great place to talk loudly. Floor/bed vibrating with noise. Pray for neighbors to crack the shits and come banging on the door. No luck.

11pm: Despite housemates promise to take the party elsewhere after 9ish, people downstairs wake me up with the popping of 1000 ballons, one after the other.

4.00am: I get up for work and find my new DVDs strewn all over the place, not in thier cases, or in any cases. I turn on the light and put all my stuff away. A few people are on the couch, but they barely move.

4.30am: Walk to the train station scared shitless-- There's a fucking electrical storm, and I'm in the middle of it.

5.00pm: Come home, place a mess.

I hate people. I can't wait to move out.

if I'm lucky, I'll be able to move out in a month or two-- before university starts. But I'm unlucky, so this is a tiny chance. I'll probably be stuck here 'till July.

_forebode @ 2005-01-04T19:31:00

2005-01-04T08:33:36Z

Andrew is a loser.

What a depressing fucking year.

2005-01-01T11:58:48Z

1. What did you do in 2004 that you'd never done before?
Dropped out of university. Twice.

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I deliberately did not make any last year-- I thought I had enough pressure on myself without adding to it. I won't be making any for 2005, but there are some (small) goals that I have set myself. Not even goals, really-- but guidelines.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Nope.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Thankfully no. But I feel like a part of my grandmother has died after her stroke. She's not the same person in so many ways, so I did feel like I lost someone.

5. What countries did you visit?
Didn't go anywhere far from home, apart from a couple of days in Sydney.

6. What would you like to have in 2005 that you lacked in 2004?
Mental wellness. Security. Money. A home.

7. What date from 2004 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
I'm terrible with dates, I really am. No, really. There were a few things that made a mark on me, and mostly, not in a good way. Probably my birthday. Considering what occured, I wonder if this makes me the most selfish person alive.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Not to sound trite, but honestly? I'd scare some people with my answer, so I'll not do this one.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Dropping out of university, twice. Two nervous breakdowns in one year-- how many people manage that? That's almost impressive.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Nothing that was new.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Thing(s). I think that the best thing that can be taken from this year was the fact that I've started reading books and building up my book collection again. It's something that I would really like to continue.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
My mother's-- without a doubt. Strongest person I've ever met. Lesser people would have bailed, but my mother has been through so much, and she's come out the other end stronger. And seeing her with her battles and little demons has made me respect her more than anyone else I've known.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
My father and someone who is supposed to be a friend. My housemate. Really made me question the goodness of people at large. At times, my own.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Rent and bills.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Perhaps the freedom of getting out of dad's place. Of course, in doing so, I lost the thing that mattered the most to me in a few short months. Oh-oh! And going to the Edvard Munch exhibit. Possibly the highlight of my year.

16. What song will always remind you of 2004?
Mercy, Melissa Etheridge.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? Sadder.
ii. thinner or fatter? Over the course of the year, I lost a lot of weight, but at this moment in time, I'm probably the same.
iii. richer or poorer? Richer, but this is something that has occured only very recently.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Relaxed.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Going nuts.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
I spent Christmas Day being extremely uncomfortable.

22. Did you fall in love in 2004?
Nope.

23. How many one-night stands?
I ain't no whore.

24. What was your favorite TV program?
Law and Order: Criminal Intent.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
I try so hard not to hate-- but there are people that I like less and less the more I get to know them.

26. What was the best book you read?
The Hours, Micheal Cunningham.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Melissa Etheridge in midyear was pretty exciting.

28. What did you want and get?
Life experience.

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
Igby Goes Down.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I was almost driven to suicide on my 21st.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
DECENT FUCKING MEDICATION! No, seriously. Would have helped in so many ways that it ain't even funny. For starters, it would have gotten me through uni. Would have helped me cope with Dad. Would have helped me keep Sally. And all these things that did not go right set off chains of events that made things so wrong.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2004?
Casual and at times quirky. Personal.

34. What kept you sane?
What is this "sane?"

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
I fancied many people this year, which really is something new. Johnny Depp would have to be the one I fancied the most.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
The economy.

37. Who did you miss?
Mum, Sally.

38. Who were the best new people you met?
I didn't meet anyone new, really. Does Helen count? She was most helpful.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2004:
Sometimes, when there's nothing else to do, just hold the fuck on. Hold on, and maybe tomorrow you can move forward... or something.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
"I just have this secret hope, that sometimes all you can do is cope" (Nobody's Crying, Patty Griffin).

Quilts

2005-01-01T04:59:35Z

Busy busy busy. But I get paid on Tuesday and we all know that money makes everything all better.

Yes, it does.

So... I've decided that I'll surprise my mother and get her the quilt that she so loves looking at. She saw it when we went Christmas shopping a month ago, and for her, the heavens had opened, God had touched her, and a light beamed onto the pile of quilts. There may have been a choir, but I don't know, I didn't hear it. She may have heard one. I'm sure she did.

It really was a nice quilt. But, being my mother, she was broke, and chose to spend her money on other people. And besides, at the time, she didn't even have a bed, and had been sleeping on the couch for months. What good would a quilt do?

But now, my grandmother is well enough to go home, and my sister is moving to Darwin, so she has a room. She's refusing to sleep in that room (and on her $1500 mattress)until she decorates it the way she wants. It's half painted now, and when that's done, she can junk her couch, set up her beautiful bed (I love this bed so much that she's left me it in her will), and sleep on a decent mattress for the first time in nearly a year.

So, next week, it is my plan to catch the train to Shepparton (which is on the other side of the state) and buy that fucking quilt, because really, who deserves it more than my mother?

My grandmother caught an inkling of my plan, and donated $50 to the "Quilt for Mum" charity.

I really hope it all works out; that the quilt is still there, that the train timetables will work so that I can go to Shep early morning and get home that night-- no missing work or anything like that.

My mother is the only person who I would go off and try and do something this nice for. :)

This cannot be true!

2004-12-29T08:13:25Z

I will cry. I will cry. I will. I'll fucking cry.

Rufus is playing at the National theatre.

I would have paid $70. I would have. But I can't. Because... THEY'VE RUN OUT OF SEATS.

I will cry. I really will.

_forebode @ 2004-12-29T18:47:00

2004-12-29T07:58:38Z

Everyone else is doing this, and I'm feeling pretty bloody left out. So, I'll be a sheep baa baa and list what I got for Christmas:

- Three LJ hugs from Kristen which were awesome!
- A mini The Far Side Calender
- A Beatles Tee Shirt which fucking rocks.
- The Human Stain on DVD
- Igby Goes Down on DVD
- The Hours on DVD
- Fight Club on DVD
- Fight Club, the book
- Da Vinci Code Book
- Dead Poets Society on DVD
- Studio Pencils / sharpener/ eraser
- A set of really good pens
- Secret Window on DVD
- A good quilt cover
- A sketch book
- $100 of my debt to my mother
- Ian took me to see Edvard Munch as a Birthday/Christmas thing and that ROCKED
- A good razor set
- Socks
- A book on the History of Ireland
- A Celtic necklace which RULES.

And I think that's it.

_forebode @ 2004-12-29T18:01:00

2004-12-29T07:17:36Z

Uh oh. I think I'm in trouble with Centrelink. I've always been overly cautious when it came to a change in my circumstances, and I would run and see them as soon as I could and let them know when anything was different.

But this time I didn't. I... neglected to tell them that I dropped out of semester 2 this year. I told them that I dropped out of semester one because of medical issues, and they were all "that's fiiiiiine" and photocopied medcical documents and such.

And since I dropped uni so far into the semester that I pretty much was enrolled for the new semester, I figured that I was technically still a full time student.

And at the time I was such a huge mess, and was looking for a new doctor and such. And then the doctor didn't turn out so well, and is still not turning out so well. I've been too much of a mess. Whenever I have a spare moment, I tend to spend it staring at the walls or whatever. I just didn't get around to it.

But that is no excuse, and that's exactly what they will say to me: It's no excuse. They don't care that I'm a mess-- they care that they've been paying someone's rent when they were not at school.

The irony is that if I were still enrolled, but a wagger who never attended and failed my subjects (like someone I won't mention), they would still be quite happy about payments.

So now they're asking for my last graded assesment from semester 2 or a document from the uni-- and now I'm all ANGST ANGST ANGST!!! I'm sure that if it were a fair world, they would realise that it was a medical issue, and that I was not deliberately trying to fraud them.

But I know that this is my fault, and that I should have gone to them earlier, but I didn't, and now I'm in a pit of shit, and trying not to let it hit the fan.

What's worse is that this was probably brought on by the fact that not 5 days ago I went in there to let them know that I was now working-- trying to be honest.

So now, whatever relaxation that I managed to gather around myself after my brithday is shattering and I'll be so nervous until I can sort this out. The last thing I need, just when I'm starting to pick myself up--is a debt.

_forebode @ 2004-12-29T16:35:00

2004-12-29T05:44:12Z

Fiddle-dee-dee. Bye bye user theapplicant , and hel-lo forebode! Why? You want a reason? You're not getting one, apart from maybe "I felt like it." Perhaps if anyone were decent enough to be online right now, this wouldn't have happened. So. It's all your fault!

I said "fiddle dee dee" because I have been watching Gone With The Wind. Any moment now, I will burst out with "Great Balls of Fire!" or, "Turn me loose!" or, "Ashley!" or the more common "I despise you!"

Yeah, well. I enjoyed it. I'd marry Rhett/Clarke anytime.

Christmas. I survived it, and that is all that will be said on that matter.

I haven't decided if this one will be friends-only or not. For now, it will stay open, but if I get a change of mood-- which I invariably will-- this may change. Maybe I'll leave it open and friends-only things that are more personal than usual.

I'll think about this later.