it is so incredibly frustrating when somebody claims to know you better than you know yourself. i will admit, sometimes i hide things from myself until i am ready to discover them- but allow me that. allow me to survive the harshest words and softest tones. allow me to feel desperate despite my options, despite the nature of my desperation. allow me to feel alone in your presence, if that is how i need to feel.

night is the most masochistic exercise. but sometimes the loneliness of the smallest hours is exactly what i need. i need to feel the clock staring me down. i need to feel the sleep crawling around within me, dwarfed by the thoughts that force it down. i need to feel the tinge of sadness that loud, false laughter can only cover when the sun is up.

and you will forgive me if i stare too long. if i stand too close. if i bump into you so that i can feel that you are still there. you will forgive me if i upset you just to see if i can. i know you will forgive me. so i don't change. no, i just wait. i wait until the calender makes all of my decisions for me. i wait until that plane carries me away, takes me to somewhere where there is no downstairs, no half-wanting and half-hating. somewhere where emotion is something you can touch.

i want desperately to strip you down. yes, in every way. i want to know how thick your skin really is. i want to know the distance between your thoughts and your words and i want to know what it is that is filtered there. i want to know why your eyes and your smile disagree.

mostly, let's be honest, mostly i just want you to want me.