this and all the rest

_ffi @ 2006-04-04T21:37:00

2006-04-04T19:38:08Z

and i'm just neverevereverever good enough.

_ffi @ 2006-02-28T17:29:00

2006-02-28T16:29:41Z

.

everything seems fine. friendships are fine, even though they can be counted on a single hand. school is fine, considering the circumstances. health isn't fine, but what the heck that ain't visible. and it doesn't even matter. one and one doesn't make two. because honestly, i'm just fucking unhappy.

_ffi @ 2005-12-20T23:50:00

2005-12-20T22:50:46Z

hospitalized mesmerizeddd
there's mud hanging from my eyes
you didn't die for nothing
it's recognition and
, it ain't bad

some go once, some go
endlessly

_ffi @ 2005-12-10T01:43:00

2005-12-10T00:44:05Z

(lux was the last to go)

_ffi @ 2005-12-04T12:35:00

2005-12-04T11:35:43Z

i've broken down so many times that they don't even come running anymore.

_ffi @ 2005-11-08T16:15:00

2005-11-08T15:05:38Z

i wish there were simple things. without sound. i'm too tired to even run away. i wish there were simple words. i have never ever ever screamed this loud. existance is an overrated dream. nobody listens anyway. get me the hell out of here.
yeah i bet you all care so much.

_ffi @ 2005-11-08T16:02:00

2005-11-08T15:02:46Z

;IJA;EKJTADGJi3u908735lqijwetIJF;jg;KDJG;kijJKDGKherui9G797687346uh4jkhetoDUG7Ydgi'DSG

_ffi @ 2005-10-18T16:03:00

2005-10-18T13:44:07Z

i'll try to ignore you like every other stranger. sure i'm going crazy but that's fine as long as it's all in my head. you betray me but who's fault is that? i tried to suffocate myself but i guess that's impossible. i'm always wrong trusting you. you're all so good at fooling me. i'll tell you things i don't want you to know and you'll just leave me there. i hurt myself but that's fine cause no one noticed. yeah i'll be your number one. and you'll be number 64 letting me down. i'm a sucker for lies that tear me apart. all you do is feed my machine.

_ffi @ 2005-08-02T23:59:00

2005-08-02T21:59:44Z

let's stop the racing in my head. the glass is always half empty,
unlike my head. dreams sail away and in the morning i'll believe
they were never there. i don't lose, i can only go down.

let's find some real friends. i can't depend on everyone's dark clouded
days anymore. for once i won't be a saviour. i won't
be a negotiator. friendship is dangerous. enemies are easy to fool.

let's love again. i miss missing. i want to rest my head. thinking of
another will slow down every race. losing myself will be the only drug but no-one
will make me an addict.

let's not hurt only cause it's passed 10 pm. whenever the sky gets dark my legs will
collapse. the only time of day i need you. thinking is deadly. fix my head, fix my head.

let's be someone else. i'll be better, i'll take all the pills.

_ffi @ 2005-07-07T15:48:00

2005-07-07T13:35:06Z

There aren't many things you can say to me that I haven't heard a hundred times before. I'm exhausted from hovering somewhere between existance and nothingness. And the truth is that nothingness is always easier to get to. I sit and wait for everything to just go away, but my busy head snaps me out of it every time. People are doing all the things I don't need, they pity me and they blame me for not saying a word but I need them to listen especially when I have nothing to say. I need to find peace, that's really all there is to it.

_ffi @ 2005-04-10T13:18:00

2005-04-10T11:16:29Z

Omdat ik hou van sarcasme. Omdat ik alles liever nog even uitstel. Omdat er achter alles een zwart gat is. Omdat ik eigenlijk best wel een beetje heel erg met veel te grote snelheid naar beneden aan het donderden ben. Omdat niemand het ziet. En dat helemaal niet uit maakt. :)

_ffi @ 2005-03-24T16:41:00

2005-03-24T15:41:42Z

(so much blood from such a tiny little hole)

x-posted to dubnium

2005-03-20T18:11:37Z

Sun in the sky you know how I feel..

_ffi @ 2005-03-20T19:08:00

2005-03-20T18:07:08Z

River running free you know how I feel, blossom in the trees you know how I feel..

_ffi @ 2005-03-16T22:46:00

2005-03-16T21:38:01Z

E-cho. At night, on the edge.. of loneliness.

_ffi @ 2005-03-16T17:24:00

2005-03-16T16:24:24Z

...

('cause we like to get lost & we like to be found.)