...as i open my eyes, i see a moonbow...

Tue, 06 Jun 2006 14:34:16 GMT

hallo everbodies, my brother sweet _ruprecht_ wishes to communicate to sweetest mikeymoz,

"Glückwunsch zum Happy Burthdays !!!"

Mon, 08 May 2006 20:01:36 GMT

greetingks to alle. these typings are being made in the manager's office at Bed, Bath, Above, & Beyond here in brussels where sean and i have gained employments. sean is workings as muscular and fat stockboi and lovely faustine (and new-tymes gal pal suzi whang!) has been promoteds to salesfloor consultante for the toto neorest line of hygienicke and sanitary toilettes. please to put your anus on one and push out your inside brown shamings for our automatischer perfume atomizer shall cancel the scents of your bowels with replacings of florals and musks, depending on customers preferencings of course very much.

suzi says, "press this buttons and your butthole will suffer no itchings
and all peanuts and siroopenwaffel residue shall be hosed away
into your hygienicke toilette bowls lickity split!"
i must be quick because our manager hannes will again taunt me with sweete rapings of sean if i am caught on his macbook pro. i must invite all sweet friends to the weddingses of sweet kanselle and kyle to be held soons at the rivingtons hotel in far away america. please come but do not tell sweet _ruprecht_, for the wraths of my brother are boundlesse.

oh no, hannes approaches and i am trapped in his office. i loosen the bindings on my Bed, Bath, Above, & Beyond-issued dirndl and wait for him...

Fri, 03 Jun 2005 22:39:56 GMT

ooh, sweet miss no_pants_island has the askings for me to do this:

what are your 6 favorite songs at the moment?

1. it's like sin y'all by dj freddy, king of pants.
2. your new album sucks by first person shooter.
3. love, thy will be done by martika.
4. the sloshing sounds of sean's nightly gangbangings by large dark men at the homelesse schelter.
5. the thong song by sisqo.
6. golden shower by taste of sugar.

tag 6 people to do this.

1. mikeymoz
2. gordonlamb
3. kylekool
4. nayrb7
5. captainupa
6. technobutcher

Sun, 20 Mar 2005 18:56:22 GMT

many thanx to sweet mikeymoz for bringing along me and sean and _ruprecht_ and claude as human shields for his group of merry students on their recent voyagings to central asia.

here is sweet mikeymoz and me with an afghani hobbit named golnaz and his starving children. golanz's wife was killed by a land mine six weeks ago, and since such times his children have nursed from the ample teats of the nanny goat standing behind them. the children called me "splarbfark," the afghani word for goat. they tried nursing from me one evening, but they quickly stopped when one child's lips and tongue burst into flames. they then turned their attentions towards poor mikeymoz, whose american fun-times sexy blue jeans were always damp with spittle from unsuccessful sucklings attempts.

here claude stops trafficke in downtown kabul. claude fulfilled his belgian military obligation by volunteering for a belgian tank unit during our stay. it made me and sweet brother _ruprecht_ so proud to see claude working with the tanks, for it reminded us of our grandpapi hohenzoellern, who - plucked from a cabaret in dresden in 1938 - became commandant of the first transgendered panzer division during the glorious nazizeit.

fun-time campings on the beach in dubai in our galliano yurt! mikeymoz, his libidinous friend, and sweet _ruprecht_ forage for jewels hidden in the sands.

here is me, _faustine_, about to board the plane for home in dubai.

much merriment and sexual good times goat xxx-plosions were had on our trip, with only one death to report - sean beheaded a british aid worker in kabul one night after becoming confused and thinking that the man was a british AIDS worker in kabul to spread the new fun-times super HIV to the afghani gays. sean was sentenced to a stoning for his crime, and many rocks were hurled but sean's sexy lard-times fat body deflected them and soon his punishers gave up.

we are much happy to be back in our homelesse washingtons, dc shelter, and we will write again soons!

Thu, 02 Dec 2004 16:47:29 GMT

sad times hardshipments have befallen us once again:

after a double outbreak of lungyeast and braincholera did much decimation to the cast of the maryland renaissance festival, the troupe disbanded. sean and our dead baby girl and i relocated to a homelesse shelter in washingtons, dc. (_ruprecht_ had invited us to stay with him and claude at his horse farm in northern virginia, but sean's forged steel dilation experiences in the renaissance festival blacksmythe shoppe caused him much fear in the presence of horses, so we were forced to decline sweet _ruprecht_'s invitation.)

it was at the homelesse shelter where i first experienced thk, who was visiting the shelter for the purposes of charitable photo-opportunities before the great election times. thk was an angel, secretly ladeling fun-times ghb into my mulligan stew in the soup line. i awoke in her arms to the sound of belgian harthaus techno and a ringtailed lemur named suzette experiencing fun-times anal xxx-plosions of guava seeds onto my legs. this was at thk's plantation on madagascar, where i spent much time and pills helping poor thk recover from the great election times disgracements.

meanwhile, dispatches originating in washingtons, dc from sweet mikeymoz and _ruprecht_ reached me, with indications that sean was in trouble. thk begged me not to go back, even hot-gluing wads of suzette's fur onto the tops of her feet and declaring, "don't leave me, beautiful _faustine_! look at me and my hobbit feet!" but i told her that her heinz ketchup, though sweet and sensual, could not compare to sean's shire sauce...

with great haste, i returned to washingtons, dc where i discovered sean, unclothed and hemorrhaging, on the bathroom floor of babylon-queer-as-folk-styles homosexual nightspot cobalt. from the many benson & hedges cigarette butts that littered the floor and were stuck to sean's buttocks, i knew that der_erlkoenig and mikeymoz had been there. a shattered bottle of glow by j. lo gave such indications to nayrb7's involvments as well. sean had been reduced to a sobbing, convulsing heap of sexy lard-times. he looked up at me and noticed a dab of thk's heinz ketchup drying in the corner of my mouth and cried even harder. after i dislodged the shattered bottle of glow, i helped sean back to the shelter, where our dead baby girl chris howe was waiting for us, face down in a bowl of mulligan stew.

somewhere in tyme...

Sun, 17 Oct 2004 18:37:46 GMT

sean, our dead baby girl chris howe, and i have parlayed sean's old high school summer stock connections and a steamer trunk full of roberto cavalli remnants into a temporary job with a traveling renaissance festival acting troupe. the festival is piteously understaffed, which has forced us to play multiple roles as townsfolke in the imaginary medieval village of fairhaven.

our dead baby girl chris howe found her job as a wandering minstrel both stimulating and debilitating. the shrill noises and audience aggression did much to short circuit her already haywire and brittle central nervous system, and after two performances we consigned her to the the romper rune, a complimentary in-festival daycare service.

as towne jesters, sean and i were able to spend quality tymes together, but i was soon barred from direct interactions with festival goers after my syringe act cast three curious children into profound comas. i was then given the post of stockgirl in the sorcerer's shoppe, a specialty boutique catering to collectors of crystal balls, dragon-framed mirrors, and driftwood gnome sculptures.

_ruprecht_ and claude joined us for a brief stint, securing employment as seamstresses at the purple unicorn. they quickly brought wenchware to an extremely high level of interpretation; however, sales were meager due to the high prycepoint of their designs, and they soon fled the festival for their horse farm in northern virginia.

sean's drinking and incontinence have intensified, and he has oft been sentenced to the pillory for poor conduct. "so what if i have to stand ass-out for hours on end while people throw food at my face?!?! it's awesome!!!" he says. with much consternation over sean's behaviors, i sought consultation with one of the forbidden seeing stones in the sorcerer's shoppe, where in horror i beheld this:

i could not look away, and lauryn's instructions were clear...

sean now has a size 44 anus...

Thu, 02 Sep 2004 18:18:41 GMT

recent monetary beleaguerments have imposed a vagabond-like existence upon myself, sean, and our dead baby girl chris howe. although sean's hobbit money has dried up, his shire sauce has not - a fact which landed me a low-paying but much needed job with the polyphonic spree: in return for nightly lovemakings with sean, the group's lead singer granted me a spot in the chorus. during our six weeks of touring with the polyphonic spree, our darling dead baby girl chris howe was forced to witness repeated gangbangings of her father by the entire band.

thrice gangbanged by fellow chorus members myself, i broke off the arrangement and fled with sean and chris howe to new york after our performance at the mtv video music awards in miami. currently in manhattan we have taken up residencings at the lovely and abandoned home of mikeymoz. newly invigorated by many days' feasting upon mikeymoz's siroopwaffeln and homemade protein shakes as well as popeye's leftovers brought to us by nayrb7 (who was kind enough to teach our dead baby girl chris howe how to vogue and who showed sean what it feels like for a girl), my vagabond family is now primed for a transatlantic crossing. i shall post again once we reach european shores.

the nightmare is over...

Wed, 23 Jun 2004 22:00:46 GMT

thanks in part to bluejayway (who suggested that sean send a rope down the commode to fetch me) and to mikeymoz (who sent pocket uzi's with which i slew the diaphanous kimmy gibbler ghost-mantis), i have been rescued from the beyond. while a prisoner of the next dimension, i gave birth to an unusually large yet beautiful dead baby girl. i will name her chris howe...

sean pulls the rope, ripping us from the next dimension...

relaxing with chris howe in the tub afterwards...

my baby, sean, and i are recovering well and exploring options for relocating from simi valley. this was a terrible mistake. thanks to all for your well wishings and guns.

A message from Sean...

Sun, 20 Jun 2004 13:44:25 GMT

Hey, guys, it's me Sean.

I'm posting in Fausti's livejournal because she's like missing and I was hoping somebody might be able to help. Last night a lot of freaky shit was happening around the house (besides Claude and Ruprecht's usual Saturday night nude Kabuki bloodbath - those fuckers are fucked up!) and Fausti went to the bathroom at one point and never came out. When I went in there to look for her, she was gone and the toilet lid was slammed shut. When I lifted it, the toilet bowl looked like this:

It looked like a tunnel to another dimension or some shit. I was like, "Holy Shit! Where's Faustine?!? Is she in there?" Then I heard Faustine's faint voice, and it sounded like it was coming from inside the walls. I was like, "Baby, I hear you!"

Then I could hear faint gabberhouse music or some shit coming from the walls and Faustine screaming. This went on & off all night, and this morning, the sounds are becoming more distant and I'm scared I'm losing her. I've been crying all night, clinging to Fausti's gollum mask and enema tubing - it's more than I can bear...

What the fuck's going on around here, man?

our haus, in the middle of our shriek...

Fri, 18 Jun 2004 20:48:39 GMT

life in simi valley has not been the idyll sean and i had hoped for. disturbances in our new home haunt our newfound domesticity: lights flicker, iridescent fogs billow from closets, strange voices emanate from unplugged stereo speakers. it is not entirely dissimilar to a night at klub boofenhaus back home. these disturbances occur mostly at night...mostly.

claude and _ruprecht_ have become quite skittish and easily alarmed, having obtained employment as greeters at the ronald w. reagan presidential library around the corner in order to limit their time here at the haus.

i have become strangely fascinated with television of late. often i awake to find myself sitting indian-style in my nightgown in front of a static television with my face pressed against the screen...

haus...

Fri, 04 Jun 2004 00:27:01 GMT

thanks to arrangements by mikeymoz, sean and i shall be featured in an upcoming episode of House Hunters on the HGTV channel of american cable television. the show's asian-american hollywood host, suzanne whang, remarked upon meeting us that sean's recent weight loss suited him well. she was later ignited during a walk-through at one of the homes we toured.

dear claude has promised ms. whang his olivier theyskens human flesh leotard for the skin grafts she will require. despite ms. whang's accident, the filming of our episode concluded yesterday, after our offer on a charming neo-traditional 3 bedroom 1.5 bath home in simi valley was accepted by the seller:

our move-in date is this saturday, and we are looking forward to starting a wonderful new life together in sunny california. now that our european troubles are behind us, sean's forced feedings and intravenous margarine infusions shall resume shortly.

safe...

Fri, 28 May 2004 02:03:47 GMT

after toiling for many days in the scheißwein vineyards on the outskirts of fotzheim, we have finally earned enough money for our journey into holland and the relative safety of the hague.

many bribes were applied to ensure our safe passage out of germany, undetected by jiang and the others. due to the schwarzwald's limited dietary offerings and scheißwein's cathartic properties, sean has lost 30 kilos. he will not speak to me because i offered him up to the border guards in belgium, who exacted a flesh tithe (a common belgian custom) before conducting us across the border.

hopefully, sean will resume communications with me soon, as we shall be voyaging tomorrow to the united states, where we have an appointment with a real estate agent to go house hunting in california.

black forest blues...

Wed, 19 May 2004 02:23:30 GMT

sean, ruprecht, claude, and i have settled into exile in the black forest. we have fashioned a yurt from claude's john galliano pret-a-porter hoop dress and have managed to stay warm during these chilly south german nachts.

the forest is crawling with jiang and her spies by day, forcing us to remain secluded in our yurt. disguised in my gollum mask and dior mukluks, i have made many clandestine trips into the nearby village of fotzheim after nightfall to gather supplies. the villagers suspect nothing.

due to a combination of post-traumatic stress disorder, intense fear, the local scheißwein, and amebic dysentery, sean has regressed and become nonverbal and incontinent. the interior of the yurt smells like a nordrhein scheißwharf.

p.s. a big belgian shout-out to mikeymoz for airdropping hot apple blast enema supplies and delicious american cigarettes from his cgi jet.

belgium or burst...

Mon, 10 May 2004 22:03:47 GMT

propelled by day-old residua from our hot apple blast enemas and under cover of darkness, sean, ruprecht, claude, and i escaped from ruprecht's castle-cum-chamber of horrors last night while jiang and our other captors slept. we have made our way north out of switzerland into the black forest where we now rest. servantless save for claude, we are cold, alone, afraid, and unattended.

more transmissions will follow once we reach the safety of the hague.

slave rebellion in zürich...

Sat, 08 May 2004 15:39:33 GMT

led by my dear brother ruprecht's chambermaid jiang:

the slaves have staged a mini-revolt. portia de rossi peppersprayed me, and now all i can see is:

the slaves have locked themselves in the oubliette with sean. his screams resonate through the schloss and blister my soul. i fear for his safety.

this may be our last visit to switzerland.

help...

Sun, 02 May 2004 15:08:05 GMT

to my american friends, i request your assistance.

due to a recent dengue fever outbreak, the caribou coffee here in rotterdam is slated to close its doors. sean and i now have no way to procure supplies for our hot apple blast enemas.

please to send supplies from USA posthaste.

if your computer monitor is a rockin'...

Wed, 28 Apr 2004 02:18:52 GMT

don't come a knockin'...

smack my sean up.

*photo courtesy the faustine retina-cam.

i have been raped, and i am pregnant...

Sat, 24 Apr 2004 19:54:08 GMT

once again, pills have ruined me...
these images were captured on the retina-cam i had installed at a swiss clinic last week. thank you, ruprecht, for making the appointment for me.

sean took the pills we obtained in hong kong.

he became at once angered and afflicted.

i played an acen cd, and he became subdued and moist. then he entered me.

damn him. if our baby is born dead, it will be called chris howe.

hong kong emergency room...

Sun, 11 Apr 2004 18:18:43 GMT

greetings from hong kong.

some of you may know this already, as the chinese nightclub press is having a field day with it:

last night, during some benadryl-induced role-playing ribaldry, i was temporarily asphyxiated after the nose holes of my gollum mask became clogged with sean's shire sauce.

although i was oxygen-deprived for approximately 45 minutes before sean realized i was unconscious, the doctors at kowloon general hospital said that i should regain sensation in the left side of my body by the end of the week.

sean, the slaves, and i will be returning to rotterdam tomorrow. it has been a harrowing weekend.

faustine's celebrity slave auction...

Sun, 04 Apr 2004 17:01:07 GMT

due to circumstances beyond my control, i have come into possession of several hollywood celebrities whom i must unload as i am unable to accept the risk and responsibility for their care. in order to ensure that these wards are well cared for, please indicate - in addition to the bid amount - your intended use for the celebrity slave you wish to acquire.

the items up for bid are as follows:

name: alan cumming*
pros: unlimited supply of china white
cons: farts blood
starting bid: $1,500 (US)

name: catherine deneuve
pros: high glamour quotient
cons: tattinger comptes de champagne enemas get expensive
starting bid: $3,000 (US)

name: lauryn hill
pros: none
cons: uppity backtalker
starting bid: $25 (US)

name: rupert grint*
pros: nimble fingers
cons: alcoholic
starting bid: $500

name: portia de rossi
pros: doesn't eat
cons: hair gets caught in machinery
starting bid: $1,000 (US)

name: sean astin
NOT FOR SALE

name: andrea barber (aka kimmy gibler)
pros: easy access to mary-kate and ashley = good speed
cons: intensely annoying and chronic yeast infections
starting bid: $250 (US)

please respond by indicating the celebrity slave you wish to purchase and your bid amount. if you are interested in purchasing a celebrity slave who is not listed above, please ask and i will check with my contacts in los angeles to see what arrangements can be made for such an acquisition. thank you.

*these items must be sold together as they have grown quite attached.

faustine's celebrity slave auction...

Sat, 27 Mar 2004 17:58:55 GMT

...has ended. due to the uncooperativeness of the livejournal website, i am unable to hawk my celebrity slaves in this forum. i am saddened by this, but i vow to attempt another auction soon. until then, i am heavily burdened, emotionally and physically, by the needs of my slaves. i solicit any available help.

faustine is here.

Wed, 24 Mar 2004 02:32:38 GMT