And in case you were wondering, you are like a sunset to me

_falsexhopes_ @ 2005-03-23T20:48:00

2005-03-24T01:48:19Z

shadowofahope

that's my NEW LJ. i'm forgetinng this journal, i don't want to remember it. or her. or anyone who was in my life. i just want to start over.

_falsexhopes_ @ 2005-03-21T21:29:00

2005-03-22T02:29:21Z

well im gona mkae a new journal and forget all the shit i wrote in here.
idn what my names going to be but i will come up with one
k love ya bye

_falsexhopes_ @ 2005-03-05T11:59:00

2005-03-05T16:59:45Z

mmm so last night i was soooo fukn happy kayla came wit me to dangerfields wit all of the retarded drunk yakked up juniors from school. it was fun. it was funny as hell... i was soo fukn happy being there wit her... like idn i was jjust happy.. and like when i came home everythin that was on my mind was back.. when im wit her i forget everythin n im happy for even juss a few mins... or hours whenever im wit her... idn im fucked up. i suppose... i don't like me too much i'm confusing..............................fuck..

_falsexhopes_ @ 2005-03-03T23:51:00

2005-03-04T04:51:30Z

i can't hold on anymore... i can't do this... i've given up...

_falsexhopes_ @ 2005-03-02T18:30:00

2005-03-02T23:30:47Z

so i guess its time for anothe update.

well as of right now i'm not sure if i'm graduating. i haven't worked on my termpaper at all.. i just don't hav e the motiviation, and i can't explain why.
i just want to be with my friends...that's it. nothing else seems worth it. i don't try at all and this therapy works with my mom... but my dad doesn't go and he doesn't even try ... he always jumps down my throat and shit. i wish i coudl be a better person. but i cant. like no matter how i try i can't change myself and i wana be more confident and like a cocky asshole and b all "I don't give a fuck" but that's not me
i just care too fucking much
its fucking insane.
i wish i didn't care so fucking much... its fucking insane. but idn

caring sucks.
so does love.
i'm on the phone with blaze and he's bitching... god i can't stand this shit
all these fucking people just bitch and bitch and bitch and i can't do it anymore
i can't fucking hear people fucking talking shit about each other especially if i care about the people
.......
i dont fukcing know... i wana shoort myself. <3

love you guys
ttyl

_falsexhopes_ @ 2005-02-26T11:25:00

2005-02-26T16:25:15Z

i feel like an adhd kid on speed...
i am so fucking happy. and i dont really care that i got called into work but i get out at 6 so yay...and i dont really care. :) im happy

_falsexhopes_ @ 2005-02-22T14:27:00

2005-02-22T19:27:27Z

yay lisas updating her journal...

omg so happy i met really cute sweet boy named mike and omg... just <3
like i've been talking to him a bit and last night i hung out wit him and he made me smile and we were talking onliuneafter i dropped him off and then we were talking and he hasnt been off my mind since... maybe i wont b lonely anymore!!! YAY.

_falsexhopes_ @ 2005-02-13T01:48:00

2005-02-13T05:48:19Z

i want her in my life... not just as a friend it sucks hardcore

_falsexhopes_ @ 2005-02-12T09:49:00

2005-02-12T13:49:50Z

wow this week kinda sucked...
next week is my last week of night school YAY
i hate valentines day... grrr

_falsexhopes_ @ 2005-02-05T10:58:00

2005-02-05T14:58:49Z

wow. kayla said alot of stuff that really hit me last night
and now i realize i really gota do shit right from now on. bc the shortcuts i was tryn to take just didnt' work anywya.
so from now on imma do better. and thanks kayla for helpingme realize this ilu.

_falsexhopes_ @ 2005-02-01T20:24:00

2005-02-02T00:46:54Z

fuck kayla dman wtf she couldn't have just todl me what the fuck!!!!

_falsexhopes_ @ 2005-01-28T07:05:00

2005-01-28T11:37:03Z

well kayla took an ambulance to the hospital ... turns out shes going to be okay
it was scary as hell again though, i hate hospitals
it turns out its anxiety attacks she's having
idn what's stressing her out soo damn bad.
she's an amazing person
i don't want anything to happen to her
i wrote her a note the other day in school
and gave it to her last night
she fell asleep with it in her hand
and she kissed me good bye *emoshockface*
i was surprised... i realllly don't want anything to happen to her.
idn what stresses her out so much idn...
this is upsetting all i can do is wait.... oiy

_falsexhopes_ @ 2005-01-25T06:44:00

2005-01-25T11:44:27Z

this is just frustration at the greatest
eddie and liv broke up
and eddie thinks everyones going to hate him.
i'm a little upset atthe things he said but i don't hate him
i don't really hate people
unless they do something really horrible to me
and that's rare people don't like to do horrible things to me
lollol <3 peace out

_falsexhopes_ @ 2005-01-23T21:36:00

2005-01-24T02:36:21Z

oh boy... =/

_falsexhopes_ @ 2005-01-22T11:26:00

2005-01-22T16:18:09Z

so it turns out that fucking tom cheated on me twice!

OMG lol

_falsexhopes_ @ 2005-01-21T06:50:00

2005-01-21T11:40:03Z

its friday
and i was just thinking
all my old friends had these long outstanding relationships...
forexample chris and mac-dog 4 years and still going
lauren and joe dated for a year
callan and dirty has been over a year
mj and lisa 8 months or something like that
lex and eric a year +

and ican't even make one last a month
what's that say about me... wtf.....

_falsexhopes_ @ 2005-01-20T22:47:00

2005-01-21T03:38:47Z

i fall too fast
that's my flaw... damn.

"so don't go worrying about me, its not like i think about you constantly... so maybe i do"

2005-01-21T03:30:42Z

i serioulsy hate updating this thing. bc everyone tells me how great i am and i wish somebody would tell me my fualts
cause i know i have many of them.
mybe its the fact that i just suck at relationships
maybe its the fact that i don'tlike to let go. idn.
this is all stuff on mind mind
i've succeeded in signing up for night school i just got to get mr. coyne to sign it
and i'm going to go on the chorus trip this year.
idn. i feel stupid
things at home are actually getting better since that family counseling. and despite the expense of it.
its really working and we've only been there once.
this whole no caffeine thing isn't really working for me, but i guess i'll have to get used to it.
nothing i can do to change it, it actually is helpign me sleep.
weird i know
i don't know i think kayla's mad at me. idn.
i had lyrics up from the song that's my subject and she thought they were about her but that's seriously my fave song, i love the lyrics.
they weren't meant to anyone
i hate myself for being who i am
for what i've become.
i'm sorry everyone.

and she wants to be a model... she needs to hear she's beautiful... she's beautiful

2005-01-20T04:04:00Z

so my thoughts as for right now...

singleness again, i don't know. yeah, i liked kayla but i don't know if i could've seen like a whole future for us... i guess her breaking up with me was a good thing.
tom, i'm completely over him. i really don't want anything to do with him anymore and that's how its staying.
family well the cousnseling went okay there was alot of pent up stuff that came out and she's going to help us work toward makeing a better relationship, that means slowly things will be getting better and maybe there waon't be as much need for me to get the fuck out of here and shit like that.

as for me... well i've had a lot of shit on my mind. and no being single i'm thinking maybe i can find someone i can stay with for a very long time, i'm not looking for a pityful 2week-1month relationship i'm lookin for someone to love me. i'm sick of being hurt (whether intentionally or not) and i think if i had something steady it would make me a little more controlled. so all in all i just want to find someone to love me right now. that's about it. but i want to be able to love them too and have it be a good healthy relationship where i don't have to worry about cheating or anything or lying or anything, but that's about it.

i think that's most of my thoughts right now. more later i suppose...

<3

_falsexhopes_ @ 2005-01-19T18:00:00

2005-01-19T22:55:10Z

wow kayla broke up with me. didnt know i was gona b so sad. w/e i'll live

_falsexhopes_ @ 2005-01-18T01:21:00

2005-01-18T06:21:10Z

i swear to god my mom called the cops on me
this is bullshit
w/e
maybe this fucking couseling will help me
i had such a good fucking weekend wit kayla.
i juss hope she isn't sick of me haha.
<3333 more explanation later.

i want to take you far away from the cynics of this town and kiss you on the mouth

2005-01-14T03:34:06Z

MY BEAUTIFUL BABYGIRL!!! much <3

i hope you're as happy as you're pretending

2005-01-14T00:17:29Z

have i seriously become such a horrible person?
the people that used to mean so much to me, i don't even talk to.
like karen, and cecile, and lauren, and sarah, and courtney, and munoz.
seriously. what is wrong with me?
i just realized
that i was never there for people when they needed me
i was too busy with my own shit
with giving up on my own life.
with not caring about anyone or myself or anything.
i'm such a piece of shit.
i want a little bit of happiness to hold on to. but idk i'm not ever going to have it. ever. :(
maybe i should give up holding on to such a fake happiness
and just look truth in its face
and see how much of a waste i really am.
damn, what is wrong with me?
i hate pretending to be happy
won't someone help me?

on the other hand,
kayla makes me happy shes so beautiful and she treats me well. and despite my fears and stuff she's there holding my hand and helpinme
god shes soo amazing. <3333
im so glad i met her...
this is the one thing i'm not pretending about.

_falsexhopes_ @ 2005-01-10T22:20:00

2005-01-11T03:05:40Z

wow. today kinda sucked kinda rocked.
idn wtf is wrong wit me
i was so cracked out n then tired as hell
dayum i think im fukn shit up already wtf is wrong wit me.
grrr so mad at miself

_falsexhopes_ @ 2005-01-09T22:06:00

2005-01-10T03:05:27Z

for those of you who didn't know .
i have a girlfriend
you gota prob withthat? bite me.
thanks