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Tuesday, September 13th, 2005
Okay screw what I said, okay maybe not entirely. But i've decided that life is way too short to even spend one day wanting not to care or feel. I am just pissed off at society right now, does giving into society's ways really make you a better person? Well I think not to me it doesn't anyways. And maybe along the line that will make me make somewhat 'naive' and 'stupid' choices, but I don't want to block out whatever I'm feeling anymore just because it's logical to. So if i'm pissed off, or happy, or sad, or in love - so be it. And I don't think that makes me weak or desperate, and the really annoying thing is, if I was a guy I would be sensitive and romantic and brave....well fuck that! That's another thing I hate. And i'm not sure if I entirely trust the notion that one day everything will be okay, and one day everything will just fit, sometimes it's hard to believe when there's a lack of proof and effort.
I still don't know. but I know it's something I want to think about. And I guess that's a start.
P.S. I really wish I was seeing Johnathan Rice play again tonight. I'm really in the need to witness something beautiful :(
So a couple of days ago i'm quoting American Beauty....and now i've gone all bitter again...that lasted long haha. But the more I think about how the world actually functions and how society drills these logical life plans into your head, the more I get scared that one day I might have to actually buy into it. One day I might have to agree that money and lifestyle and status is more important than morals and love and honesty. The ways of the world right? Think first...feel later, or even - feel never. It's quite sad. I don't know, this summer has just been weird, for me and everyone I know. Right now is turning point.
whoa, i haven't written in this for ages, so much has happened in a year. i'm at uni and loving it. i've got great friends that i adore. and no boyfriend and i kinda hate him now. reading back through this journal, it's amazing to see how much i loved him, how silly happy i was. it's so strange. but i have gone all bitter and angry now, i still believe in love and all that, but i'm mostly just pissed off now lol. and a lot of my girlfriends have just broken up with their guys, one who broke up because she's gone to america for 5 months and they kept on arguing and stuff, but they were together for nearly 4 years. another because he was being an ass wanted to go casual because they haven't seen much of each other this summer. there must be something in the air. and all guys are full of shit. but the question that keeps on bugging me is, why is it if a guy fights for a girl's love, he's considered romantic and brave; but if a girl fights for a guy, she's considered weak and desperate? society sucks.
i was just prancing around my room dancing to 'this is the day' by the the, i had the sudden image of the ending of empire records and felt the need to swirl and spin around. i'm crazy, i know. that cheered me up for a bit, feeling a bit blah as per usual, this time it's just the feeling like my life is going round and round in circles to the point of complete dizziness and i just wanna puke. there's a nice image for you lol.
today i went round my town taking pictures for my project for uni, and i ended up going to a park i went to as a kid, and i haven't been there in like 8 years, it was very odd, but refreshing. it's on a hill and it overlooks all the houses, i could even see my flats. i sat on a bench and had a cigarette, just thinking about nothing and looking at the view. it was quite wonderful. i'm gonna try and go there more.
i got new bed sheets today for uni from ikea, nice red ones, and oddly i'm very excited about them, possibly because of the fact that i'm still sleeping on care bears and rainbow brite covers from when i was a kid. buying new bedsheets could possibly be my new obsession lol.
kelis' 'milkshake' is playing now...but i'm not gonna dance to that one, you don't need to picture that lol.
they taught you how to feel, but you just feel numb.
i spent my last day with jamie yesterday, it was one of the hardest things i've ever had to do. we talked about what we were going to do, and we wanted different things, i wanted him back by november (specifically the 15th which would've been our one year anniversary), i guess it meant more to me. and he wants to come back in december. he kept going on about how time wasn't important and what if we celebrated it when he got back...but it's not the same. and i don't think i would feel the same about him knowing that it wasn't that important to him. we didn't want it to end, we just felt like we had no other choice, because he'd rather break up than come back a month early. it made me feel like i didn't matter...that we didn't matter. maybe we do, but just not enough right now. so right now, we're sort of in the middle, in the sense that we want to be together, but it's just too hard to try to be together right now. i'm not even sure if i'm single again.
but when i left his place, i gave him a bunch of letters that i wrote him and never ended up giving to him. i guess i just wanted him to have them finally. to just let him know how i've always felt about him. don't know if it'll make any difference, but he texted me saying that he cried the whole way through reading them, and that he felt like he's lost a part of him. i dunno what to think. i told him in the letters and in the reply to his text, that i'm here for him, but he has to want to be here for me too. it's not fair.
who knows what'll happen when he comes back, or if i'll meet someone else at uni. we'll see. i'm just trying to keep my mind off it, keep myself busy, because the minute i stop, i think about this all.
i spent the day with jamie yesterday, just hung out at his. things seemed pretty much back to normal, we didn't really talk about everything that had been going on with us this week, but i'm gonna stay over on monday, so we'll talk about it then. he bought me a Rilo Kiley poster for my room at uni...i love it. only 300 were printed of that design (mine's no. 200). he got it off ebay, and i checked how much he paid for it because he wouldn't tell me lol. i can't be bothered to post a picture but it's the one of a drawing of a girl and she has a giraffe's head coming out of her belly hehe. sounds gross, but it's so cool.
it's been a weird week...a hard week. jamie's going to america two weeks today, and is not really sure when he's coming back, he explained his reasons for going and i understand, but it doesn't really make it suck or hurt any less. i'm still unsure about it all. we talked about it last night, and talked about what we want...i'm just not sure if it's going to work :(. however from this experience i have gained a small inspiration for my holiday project from kingston, not sure how i'm going to it, but it's a possibility. basically i have to do a project of the good and bad things about my hometown. ack! and any one who has been to the place i live will know there's nothing much here. i don't like it.
uni's kinda scaring me now, i have mixed feelings about it. my mum's been pestering me to sort out my things for when i move, i still need to get a few essentials but this week i've been buying new clothes and i managed to get two tops for £8 at a vintage store on carnaby street and cowboy boots for £10 in camden. awesome.
i feel kinda blah, with a little bit of ack, mixed in with some urgh.
jamie called last night, i didn't expect him to cuz i thought he would be drunk haha, but he called at like 1am. he didn't end up drinking cuz he ate too much seafood and his belly was sore :( i wanted to kiss his belly. we only talked for about 20 mins, but then i texted him again to tell him i loved him like 10 times, and he replied:
I love you too. i love you so much. i love you more than tx can ever prove. and i will always love you. you're my angel. i miss you sweetie. sleep well babe, love j xx
ahh he's so lovely. i love him so much. :)
in other news lol, i'm going to my friend's birthday shindig on wednesday, it's dinner and then onto a club, but i don't think i'm gonna go to the club. don't have the money for it and i don't really like clubs anyways. i need money. i'm tempted to get jamie sell some of my stuff on ebay. he said i should sell some of my photos of bands because they're good and people would buy it, and i've always been so against it, but now i'm thinking about it. i'm so horrible. i'm a bad fan. what do you think? is it a bad thing to do? (ahh i feel so bad just asking...if you wanna have a look, most of them are posted here http://groups.msn.com/RockingOut/shoebox.msnw)
i feel so bad. and there's no way i can get a job this late in the summer. and i need money...ahhhh.
jamie's in cornwall right now, he texted me this morning saying he wants to go surfing today hehe. i'll be seeing him on tuesday :)
amanda came back from her travels (she's been gone for 6 months in vietnam) we hung out on friday which was lots of fun, it's great to have her back. we went out to lunch and then went shopping, with not alot of money lol. amanda kept finding shoes she wanted, like really high slutty looking ones...i'm allowed to call them slutty cuz she agreed that there are a bit, she just thinks they're fun hehe. and i found these lovely pair of shoes, white pointy ones, and the stupid sales girl couldn't find the other half, i was so upset. but then, i went back the next day and they had it...stupid topshop. so i have a pair of shiny new shoes :)
and keisha just called me today screaming down the phone because she's in the new the killer's video. they taped the performance at the astoria show and she was there front row centre. boy was she excited haha.
i keep meaning to finish the t in the park entry, but it's taking long because i don't have alot of motivation to finish it right now, but i will ;)
so T in the Park...my first festival...which was interesting lol. me, J and Tom got the train to scotland on thursday morning which was a 6 hour journey! we got there in one piece then J's cousin gave us a lift to J's grandparents house, and he made us shit our pants with his crazy driving. we stopped by a fish and chips shop because J wanted us to try white pudding and scotch pies, so we got some of that and chips...which was lovely. got settled in and everything, then went to play some football with J's uncle Angus and his friend Eriko. i haven't played football in years so it was tough haha. On friday we went up to the site just to pitch our tents because J and Tom's friends took the plane there and were setting up on that day and they wanted to near them. the line to get in was so huge and took about half an hour to get in. and an hour or so later we got everything all finally set up, and felt really bad because j's grandfather had been sitting in the car waiting for us, but he said he was okay and had fun watching all the weird people around the site i.e. ticket touts and dirty men peeing into the bush behind his car haha....bless him.
so now onto the actual festival, Angus' friend came to pick us up at about noon on saturday to take us there again, there wasn't a whole lot of great bands on the saturday, it was all supposed to be about bowie but he has pulled out, so it was kinda shit. me and j went to see a bit of the black eyed peas at around 2:30 but i don't think we stayed for all of it and just then went off and looked around for a while. we went to see jesse malin at around half 3 because j wanted to see him, and he was pretty good. we then went back to the tent just to hang and then set off again at 7 see mr ben kweller. we got to the front at the far right of the stage and ben was great, definately someone i wanna see again because he only played a 30 minute set (boo!). he played 3 songs from sha sha (how it should be (sha sha), wasted & ready, and commerce, TX) and the rest from on my way. i think at some point after that we sat in the tent that katie melua was playing, but i don't really like her and it wasn't good sitting in there so we left. we then went to see the darkness who were headlining the main stage now because bowie had to pull out, and frankly they were a shit replacement and despite being a novelty act....they were boring to watch. and so we left to go back to our tent and me, j, angus and eriko hung out for a while, talking about how un-productive that day had been.
sunday...well sunday was the day for all the great bands that it hurt us that we had to choose. the first band we saw was scissor sisters on the main stage at 1:30...who were alot of fun and got us dancing. and the sun came out for them, it hadn't rained or anything but it had been cloudy, but for scissor sisters, the sun was shining and it was getting hot. jake from the band was wearing a tartan toga, which was quite revealing showing alot of his legs, and then towards the end of their set, he took off his underwear haha. i was a bit of a perv and kept a watch on him in case anything was revealed haha. after them was franz ferdinand who kept the crowd in high spirits, they were pretty good. especially when they sang 'take me out' the crowd went crazy...they even sang along to the guitar parts lol. the next band after them was the thrills and frankly, me and j think they're boring, so we went over to the nme stage to catch the rest of the killers set, which was only about 3 songs, but we got to see 'mr brightside' which was fun.
it's 8:10am, and i'm about to leave in an hour to get to kings cross station for t in the park. i'm really excited, but also a bit scared...it's my first time away from home on my own without family or school. it's kinda weird. i'm a bit in-between right now lol. my mum was bugging me this morning for an address of the place, and i said "mum, it's a field!" silly woman! but i found an address nonetheless, hence why i'm on the net this early. she also wanted my "friend's" number, so i have no choice but to give jamie's, hopefully she won't call it. it's kinda stressing me out a bit, now i think she's gonna bug me and everyone this weekend to the point where i'm too stressed to have fun...just like what she did on new year's...grrrr! i'm just hoping for the best and to have a good time. anyways...better get ready now. toodles. see you on tuesday! :)
i'm going to T in the Park festival with Jamie and Tom, and i think a few of his other friends are going too. i asked my dad about it a few days ago because he was in a good mood and peppy drunk, so it's all good now. just gotta sort out a few things before i go - sleeping bag, toiletries, clothes etc. but yayy! the line-up's really good, i'm psyched about seeing Ben Kweller and Snow Patrol the most - it's a mini dream of mine to sing along with the crowd, on the last chorus of Snow Patrol's 'Run', because Gary the lead singer always has a cute goofy smile when it happens hehe. NERD will be cool too, their astoria gig was awesome so it'll be great to see them play again. The Killers, Razorlight, The Strokes, Franz Ferdinand, Scissor Sisters, Pixies...soo many good bands, i know i won't get the chance to see them all, but i'll try. so i leave thursday morning and come back monday night...5 days in scotland, i'm gonna come back looking so rough haha.
in others news, i'm a bit stressed out about university stuff, because they haven't sent the accomodation application yet, they are being so slow and it's annoying me. plus with student loans, student bank accounts...all this student stuff is pissing me off and i'm not even a student officially yet...grr.
i spent the day with jamie on friday which was sweet, i hadn't seen him for like a week and a half because of glasto and him working, so it was lovely spending time with him. he bought me a gift from ebay, one of Sarah McLachlan's albums that's from Hong Kong or something and the packaging's so awesome. he's so awesome. he knew how much i love her music. and i think he's ordered me a The Like t-shirt too...yayy!
he's at josie's (one of his best mates toby's girlfriend) party right now, which i was supposed to go to, but pulled out cuz of my dad getting pissy about me going to parties, and with T coming up, i don't wanna piss him off.
other than all that...i've had a pretty chilled week lol :)
well, jamie's at glastonbury right now...i know he's having a blast. it was really sweet the other day when i was feeling really crappy, he said if i asked him he would stay, and just hug me for three days hehe. but i would never do anything like that. he went through such madness trying to get tickets, and he didn't get them, and tom managed to get him one, so i didn't want him to miss it at all. i'm happy he's there, i just miss him a tad...okay, alot! but he texted me this afternoon saying he'd bought new vans shoes (he owns like 10 already! lol), was eating iced gems outside his tent, he watched bright eyes perform and that he loves me :) he's a star hehe.
i have this bloody pain in my neck right now...literally! my mum reckons i slept weird and now i have a stiff neck...it bloody hurts! *ouchies* i've got this medicated sticker thing on it now, i'm not sure if it's actually working, it's just fuzzy pain now...hmmm.
i had a fun night out on sunday for julia's party at the gardening club in covent garden, which was a pretty classy and cool place....but so expensive! but it was fun nonetheless, i brought jamie along and some people from chelsea came too. me and j left around 11:30ish and i stayed over at his, which is always lovely. there's no place i'd rather be. i love him so much. he had this plan the next morning to sort out some things for Glastonbury (he had to get his tent out of storage and pick up his tickets from the post office), and in this plan he was meant to be done by noon, but this didn't work out cuz he got tired and lazy hehe, and his mum didn't call when she was supposed to and stuff. so he didn't actually start to do them till i left around 3. but we got to spend the morning together...yayy, stayed in bed, had some lunch, watched tv...it was all good :)
until i came home and my dad was annoyed that i came home in the afternoon rather than the morning, and said i couldn't go out anymore, and it just fucking pissed me off and got me upset. and i'm really hating living at home right now, it feels like i'm suffocating here. i'm 19 and i have friends who are travelling all over the world and i can't even go out for one night without hassle. i fucking hate it! and i'm supposed to be going to t in the park with j, and i'm gonna be so depressed if i can't go, and feel so bad for letting him down. my summer is gonna suck.
yesterday was pretty much my last day at Chelsea Art School. they had a bbq as a farewell thing, and me and my friends just hung out. and also the grades were posted, i didn't do fantastically well, not as good as i wanted to, but nonetheless i still passed, and that's all that matters to get into Kingston, so it's not too bad i suppose...although it would've been great to have gotten a better mark because i worked so hard. but i think alot of people got downgraded which sucks. so back to the bbq, it was pretty lame, we had to wait ages for food, which didn't look exactly great, and there wasn't enough cups for drinks...i'm just moaning lol. but it was fun seeing everyone again and saying goodbye. it's so horrible because a year is such a short time to get to know people and when you do, it's towards the end of the year. typical. so now i'm on summer...kinda woohoo...haven't got many major plans, but hopefully i'll be seeing J and my friends more :)
i'm seeing j tomorrow, i wasn't going to because he was supposed to be looking after a couple of kids during the day, but that's got cancelled, so i'm spending the day with him. yayy. i'm so excited. it's so lovely that after 6 months of being together i still always get so excited to see him lol. he's going away this weekend to Download Festival with toby and kye, so that's why i wouldn't be seeing him. i'm happy hehe. it's weird now we're saying 'i love you' to each other. in a way i was annoyed that it took this long, but on another hand, it's nice because i've never been one to use that word in vain, so now i know it really means something with us. i've gone all mushy. people are gonna start hating me lol.
i spent the day with j on friday, i had to cut his hair when i got there because he attempted to shave it off himself and the shaver was being dodgy and he ended up with wonky hair lol. so i cut it wiith just scissors and i did a pretty good job. a new hidden talent i didn't know i had. but now he'll get me to cut his hair all the time because he knows i can lol. anyways, one thing led another (as it does) and afterwards we were just laying there, and he kept looking and smiling at me, and then he said "i've got something to tell you...guess." and i kept saying i'm crap at guessing (which i am), so finally he started hugging me, and he whispered in my ear "i'm falling in love with you." it was so beautiful. i'm lost for words, i can't type anymore.
so really, i'm not supposed to be feeling this shitty. i had a great night with j...but i woke up with this awful feeling that i just couldn't shake. and all i wanted to do was just leave his house. i got home, and fell asleep for a couple of hours, and had a dream where i saw and felt what it was like for him to say 'i love you' to me. it felt so real. but it wasn't. and now i feel like shit. and i dunno when i'm seeing/talking to him next, and to be honest, i don't think i could handle either right now because i don't know what i'm going to be like or what i'm going to say.
jamie didn't call or text me at all yesterday even though he said he would, and i texted him during the day asking him something and he didn't reply. so i texted him at 1am, being kinda 'you didn't call or text, so i hope you're good. i guess talk to you whenever then', and he replied, saying he was about to fall asleep, so if i hadn't texted him first he wouldn't have at all. and yeah it made me upset. this weekend has been a nightmare, i had stomach pains yesterday and i'm so behind in work because i just can't find the motivation right now because of all this, and i just really needed him to let me know he was there and that he cared. i just feel like shit right now.