So yeah, I haven't been on LJ or online really for the longest time now. Just posting to show the few people that do check up on it, or have been curious about me, that I'm still here.
Lately I've been sucked into anime and video games again and simply do not have time, nor the interest of wanting to interact online. Nothing personal, just a lack of motivation.
It doesn't help that I had been re-evaluating what my online life has been a few months ago. Sometimes I feel like the person I "play" is all just an elaborate lie, a childish example of what could've been should I have been more social and open growing up. Few people knew of who I really was, and they have long since fallen away from me or have evolved themselves. Truth be told, I hate the way I am when I talk to people. I hate the stupid part of me that is so unselfish and so timid that I cannot truly say what I want. How could I possibly bring myself to say "I hate you" or "I hate what good things are happening to you, why can't they happen to me?" even if those are what I feel.
It's not that I am unhappy with the way I am living now. It's just that I'm not happy with it either. I am merely in a gray space. Desperately wanting to reach for more, yet fighting inwardly to stay.
The future is in front of me, but I fear getting stuck. I think about what I want to do in life, but nothing comes to me. I need to finish school but what's the point if I don't know what I want to make with it? Days are turning into months, and I fear that the months will slowly progress into years as I grow older.
Ah, it seems I have rambled on longer than I had intended. Re-reading it makes it sound like I'm still the same small emo kid I always have been deep down. So whether or not people regard this entire post as a whiney piece of work is understandable. Then again I'm just being self-conscious again and should just suck it in and post instead of contemplate deletion.