long-winded.

i'm feeling shitty, egocentric, selfish and self-centered, pathetic.

i can't articulate it any other way, really;
livejournal is my medium of choice today.

my chest feels warm and my legs are restless,
but it could just be the caffeine.





there are itunes updates on my computer screen,
emails urging me to fund organizers to 'beat radical republicans'.
a yoga tape in my vcr that i couldn't stomach.
a softer world minimized somewhere.

a skirt in my closet that i got because i'm just so damn tired of being 100% myself.

90% suits me today.
it will have to suit me from now on.

90% means my mother isn't telling me that i'm "gettin' a little chub"
or that i need to wear makeup,
and that she'll make me grow my hair out
if i don't wear skirts and buttondown shirts.
no daughter of hers will look like a tomboy as long as she lives in this house.

but she spoils me like crazy.
she does it because she says she loves me
and she tells me that baggy black tee shirts and jeans
don't show self-respect.

sometimes i get weak, i believe her.
i start to think that maybe self-respect and self-image are the same thing
before i snap out of it.




i feel superficial, because, well i am now.

as for progress?
i'm undoing the last five years of my life.

i thought i had at last escaped worldly conversation, fashion layouts, and skin-deep perception.

books and poetry instead of teen magazines, mtv and vh1 replaced by epitonic and pitchfork.

i take all that back, i'm still the same person.
i still feel like everyone but me tells me what to think and do.
whether they do or not i'll never know,
unless i isolate myself from everything.

but things are changing.

i say that every morning and by one o'clock realize that my day was a waste.