| All my life everybody has seen me a certain way. |
[entries|friends|calendar] |
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| aw |
[20 Jun 2008|05:17pm] |
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music |
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Point of Grace -How You Live |
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Verse 1:
Wake up to the sunlight
With your windows open
Don't hold in your anger or leave things unspoken
Wear your red dress
Use your good dishes
Make a big mess and make lots of wishes
Have what you want
But want what you have
And don't spend your life lookin' back
Chorus:
Turn up the music
Turn it up loud
Take a few chances
Let it all out
You won't regret it
Lookin' back from where you have been
Cuz it's not who you knew
And it's not what you did
It's how you live
Verse 2:
So go to the ballgames
And go to the ballet
And go see your folks more than just on the holidays
Kiss all your children
Dance with your wife
Tell your husband you love him every night
Don't run from the truth
'Cause you can't get away
Just face it and you'll be okay
Chorus:
Turn up the music
Turn it up loud
Take a few chances
Let it all out
You won't regret it
Lookin' back from where you have been
'Cause it's not who you knew
And it's not what you did
It's how you live
Bridge:
Oh wherever you are and wherever you've been
Now is the time to begin
Verse 3:
So give to the needy
And pray for the grieving
E'en when you don't think that you can
'Cause all that you do is bound to come back to you
So think of your fellow man
Make peace with God and make peace with yourself
'Cause in the end there's nobody else
Chorus
Turn up the music
Turn it up loud
Take a few chances
Let it all out
'Cause you won't regret it
Lookin' back from where you have been
'Cause it's not who you knew
And it's not what you did
It's how you live
'Cause it's not who you knew
And it's not what you did
It's how you live
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| word. |
[22 Jun 2007|03:11pm] |
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the rocket summer - tv family |
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Just a calendar day,
it's funny how things can stay the same
or drastically change.
Some things seem so close on some days but still so far away
I don't know the right things to do,
in fact I don't have a clue.
Sometimes i feel like a tool.
And I want to be truthfully true to you
and do all the things that you do.
But when I hate everything about the mean things that I say
it feels like I mess up so much and I can only say
"I hate everything about my ways"
but you tell me I'm okay
and one day one day I know you'll say
"I'm so glad you made it"
"oh well Jesus thank you so much for saying that"
Because the truth you know is that i have just been hating so many things I do
but now I realize forever that you're my friend
no matter what you will never leave me to fend
I don't know much but I know we will be as happy as a 1950's TV family
except times infinity
Two calendar days
and still my life is the same
and other people's have changed
I wonder what if I'm too late,
all the time that I said I would just wait?
and yeah does anyone care?
about us here or anywhere?
Well I just want to try and dare to be there, to care
because I know- I know that's rare
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| I was going through my old entries and found this. SO true. |
[06 Jun 2007|08:51pm] |
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It's amazing what one person can do. Some people build you up just to bend and break you. Some people bring out parts of you that you had no clue existed. All throughout life we meet people and every single one of them brings something to us, gives us some sort of purpose. We come across people that will hurt us so incredibly much that it seems unbearable to go on with our lives, but the truth is - We can overcome anything we want to if we believe in it enough, if we have faith in ourselves, in who we are. The most important thing in life is to find yourself, know who you are at all times and stand by that for the rest of your life. No one has the right to tell you who you are or try and control your life because it's yours. Your life is meant to be lived by no one else but yourself. We sometimes let people get the best of us, destroy us and change our opinions on what we believe is true. Only you can know what is right for yourself, you have the power, you make the choices and you learn. Each experience we go through in life is a lesson to be learned. We all make mistakes, why is that so hard for some to understand? No one should be judged by the mistakes they have made. It's past news. Everything happens for a reason, and without the hard times, how would we ever realize our true strength? It's only through a time of suffering when we realize how strong we truly are inside, when we realize how much we can actually put up with and deal with before we eventually break. Life is a roller coaster, a never ending cycle. Every person is unique and beautiful in their own way. Each individual has a beauty that is unexpressed. Beauty is within. You love a person for how they make you feel, for their courage and compassion. I believe we always go back to the people that were there in the beginning. You create so much history with certain people, they become a part of you, they're in your heart. Even though miles may separate you and maybe you have even grown apart, there are those certain people that will somehow always be in your heart forever.
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| Now that you've seen your true reflections... |
[15 Dec 2006|04:53am] |
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dmb - true reflections |
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Hey! So it's been awhile, but the semester is dying down so now I have time to write lol :) All I have left to do is a take home final exam for my american lit survey class and I was stressed out about it but my housemates epecially Kat was kind enough to help me out with it. I just need to start it. Then I have two finals on Monday, well they're not even finals, I just have to hand stuff in. I'm coming home Monday night, yesssss. Let's see...tonight was weird, but fun.
*Went to Midnight Breakfast with Anibelka. The food was alright but it was super boring so I left early.
*Came back here and talked to Kat and she gave me the prettiest purse and necklace for Christmas. Then she helped me out with my paper. We were interupted by someone knocking on my window. We went outside and I talked to the kid lol. He was drunk and said he was at the wrong townhouse but the best part was he gave me a bag of wonderbread. He's like, take this. Just take this. Riight. So I did.
*Went for a walk with Kat and Dana hoping to find more drunkies to make fun of, but no such luck lol
*Watched Jackass the movie, it was hilarous. I want friends like them! Priceless. I never really watched the show but now I want to. I'm surprised they're still alive, but yeah, they're entertaining. I might have to marry Party Boy so he can randomly dance half-naked for me.
*Had some cake at like 3 in the morning. I'm so glad that my housemates can bake.
*I'm 90% done with my take home final for my magazine writing and class. All I have to do is have someone edit it and write the final draft.
I had the best dream about Josh Jackson last night. :) I love dreams that I think are real. Haha he's my boyfriend apparently, nice.
I need to pack and clean at some point this weekend.
I am soooo excited to go home for a month. Holy shit, I'll be 21 so soon. Whoa. I wish I acted more like a soon-to-be 21 year old.
I realized that it's me who hasn't been there for my friends. I need to be a better friend sometimes.
ps. But I realized everyone is pretty much fake, like wicked fake. But that's cool. I know I am too.
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| You see, I've made you into something delicious, my sweet ghost |
[30 May 2006|12:32am] |
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blue october - amazing |
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When my brother is nice to me, it makes me so much happier. It makes home a much more positive environment. He did a lot today! After mowing the lawn and powerwashing the house and deck, he took my car to the carwash for me and then later on made me cookies! His friend is going to install a cd player in my car soon too!He can be such a great kid. He is one of my favorite people in this world. Well today was Memorial Day of course. Since I live right across the street from the cemetary which is where they have a special ceremony for the war veterans - I was awaken by the sound of horns and the shooting of guns, lol. I pretty much was lazy today. I just took pictures of me in this really old pair of sunglasses that I found (check out my icon). Then tonight I visited Nicole and Connor. I haven't seen Nicole since my birthday party in January. Connor is such a cute baby! He laughs and smiles a lot, lol he's a happy little fellow. We just went out to Dunkies to get drinks and watched tv for awhile. Tomorrow I'm going to Braintree with Sarah and her mom. I think we're going to South Shore Plaza. Then I guess Matt S is having a pretty big get-together at his house tomorrow evening, Chinese and a movie? Sounds good to me! :) I've also been talking to this really great guy lately. He's moving to North Adams which is where I go to school obviously, so maybe something will happen there. Haha. I have a really big addiction to Blue October too. I can't stop listening to them!
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| there are two colors in my head... |
[24 May 2006|10:30pm] |
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music |
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radiohead - everything in its right place |
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Let's see. Well I woke up @ 9:30 or so and my mom told me that since her doctor is sick, he canceled her appointment, so I didn't go to the audition today. It's rescheduled for tomorrow @ 3:30 instead. I dropped off applications at the mall this afternoon with Carol! Ahh lol I can't believe she's home. She got her job at Victoria's Secret, so congrats to her on that! Then we after we left the mall we stopped at Dunkin Donuts to get coolatas and apparently Keith works there!? lol I haven't seen him in nearly three years, so that was cool. Then we went to the high school to visit Carol's mom. I really don't like being back at the high school at all. That's just me. But after that we drove around town blasting rap music and dancing like crazies and the funniest thing today was when we drove past Tom's house and we saw him outside watering his lawn and he turns around and stares at us! I screamed so loud! He's sooo scary. He's like 50 something. I used to work with him at the nursing home and he's such an ass. Afterwards we came back here and watched Oprah. Aw it was about the Holocaust today. Eh, saddest thing ever. It makes me sick but it's so fascinating at the same time. That's pretty much it, haha. I'm looking forward to this weekend! :)
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| My mind it kinda goes fast, I'll try to slow it down for you |
[23 May 2006|08:38pm] |
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music |
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blue october & imogen heap - congratulations |
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I'm feeling much happier today! :) I went out shopping with my mom. We bought flowers for in front of the house and a few groceries at Lowes and Walmart. It's nice just getting out of the house. Then I made chicken alfredo for dinner, so good! Then Katrina called me, she's from John Casablancas modeling agency. I forgot to call them on Saturday to tell them I wouldn't be going! I figured I wouldn't bother since I was with the other agency. But since it's located in Newton and my mom is going to Newton Wellesley Hospital tomorrow for a checkup, we're going to stop in. I think I have a better chance there. They're way better known then the Rhode Island Modeling Agency (RIMA) and where at RIMA -I'd have to do 16 sessions, I'd only have to do 10 there. Hm other than that, I've gotten 2 babysitting offers for the summer. So I'm thinking I might have the babysitting job plus whatever job I can get at the mall.
ps. holy shit this song is probably my all-time favorite song and I just heard it. lol
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| I was doing so good but you always win |
[22 May 2006|11:13pm] |
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music |
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ashlee simpson - coming back for more |
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I think it's bad to be stuck inside the house because I tend to think way more about stupid shit than I already do. I'm getting a job soon, hopefully at Hallmark or Deb's. My paycheck came from MCLA today, finally. I need to buy my plane ticket tomorrow. Today I pretty much just filled out job applications, cleaned the house, and fell asleep early this evening to Clockwork Orange and had a nightmare.
My Princess Lolly is coming home tomorrow! ♥
Got myself to blame for all of my bad moods
And I really wish that I didn't feel this way
I wanna break the circle but the circle won't break
I don't wanna spend another night
Trying to figure why you are always on my mind
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| You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take |
[21 May 2006|11:35pm] |
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music |
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blue october - hate me |
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Hello friends. So I have gotten myself into a really bad sleeping pattern which involves going to bed @ 5 in the morning and waking up @ 2 in the afternoon. I feel so lazy, lol. I did however go out bowling tonight with Sarah, Kristen, and Steve and it was mucho fun. Go Easy Mac! Go Betty Boob! Go Sexy Stick! Go Tits McGee! Haha. So afterwards we went out to Friendly's and got some icecream. Damn, the coffee toffee icecream is delicious. So is his ass. haha. Hey, you guys knew it was coming. I like to say I flirted with an old friend ;). The shirt I wore tonight was pretty revealing, but I love this shirt! Polka dots are adorable. I'm glad the rain stopped. Sarah and I saw two rainbows on the way there and the other night the moon was fading red. We also heard my favorite song on the radio, "Hate me" by Blue October. My brother loves that band and so do I. That song is so sad, I always cry when I hear it. It makes me think of so many different situations in my own life.
Ahhhh Kristina, my ex-housemate that was EVIL to me just IMed me and asked me how my summer was going- so I blocked her. I can't believe all of the nasty things she said about me and that she stole my make up bag with nearly 50 dollars worth of my favorite products. At least I never have to deal with her again, lol. Thank goodness!
ps. Stop touching your noses. (Inside joke of the night)
( cuties )</lj-cut text="cuties"
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| just some names that I like :) |
[21 May 2006|03:17am] |
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rascal flatts - bless the broken road |
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I was just thinking of possible baby names at 3am, you know, the usual, lol :) they're not really in order though.
1. benjamin (ben)
2. kyle
3. ayden/aidan (i like both spellings)
4. evan
5. logan
7. caleb
8. bailey (bay)
9. gabriel (gabe)
10. landon
12. collin
13. owen
14. bradley (brad)
15. devin
1. chloe
2. julie
3. shelby (shel)
4. ava
5. mackenzie
6. riley
7. claire
8. audrey
9. lauren
10. hayley
11. natalie
12. skylar
13. adrienne (addy)
14. allison (ally)
15. cassidy
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| You wanna get in my world, get lost in it |
[20 May 2006|03:00pm] |
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music |
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nelly furtado - promiscuous girl |
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So last night was fun. I didn't fall asleep until 5:30 in the morning. I went clubbing in Providence @ The Complex with Amanda, Sarah, Matt C, Matt L, Jeff, and Dennis. I was the first one to get hit on! This makes me happy lol :) By a really cute WHITE guy. Actually both of the guys I got were white. Usually black guys hit on me haha. I'm just as sexy as any of my skinnier friends, if not sexier. I have amazing boobs. I am the sex hahaha. Anyway. I danced a lot. Afterwards we went out to IHOP at 3 in the morning. I was so exhausted and I guess I came off like I was upset. I was just out of it. I don't know, it seems like Amanda and Sarah are a lot closer now, and I'm like the third wheel. I might be going to a party in Plymouth tonight? Not sure.
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| because I know I broke the hardest part |
[18 May 2006|05:10pm] |
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music |
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mat kearney - in the middle |
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I am experiencing the most painful period I have ever had in my life. I felt so sick this morning but I pulled myself together and got dolled up and went to Providence for modeling callbacks. I met with Beth and she said that since I don't have a lot of experience I would need to attend the 16 week workshop and unfortunately right now I do not have the time. We talked about it and I'll be doing it next year as soon as I get out of college in May. I'm going to California two weeks this summer anyway, so it didn't help. Well, she said I was very pretty and photogenic, but I still need to tone my body. I already knew this. I have a year to work on it, lol. I'm not discouraged at all. Timing is just off. Beth said it's just not worth paying all the money to get my name out there when I don't have experience yet, which is completely true. So to sum it up: I am accepted, I just can't really do all that much until next May because the workshop is too long and I won't be able to finish before I head back to MCLA. At least I know what I have to do now. Plus, that's just one modeling agency. I WILL be America's Next Top Model, thank you very much. In my head, I'm already famous. ;) My mom just treated me out to dinner at Fireside. I'm in the mood to go out somewhere. It's so beautiful out! Ciao loves! ♥
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| yeah... |
[17 May 2006|05:47pm] |
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lindsay lohan -confessions of a broken heart |
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This afternoon WAS lovely. Sara picked me up and we went to BCC to pick up her photography portfolio and a book for her summer class - except the college didn't have either. But at least I got a little tour of her college. It's actually really nice. It's even bigger than MCLA. Then we stopped at the mall to buy candles for her mom. Then I decided to go and pick up a few job applications and bought 2 new pairs of flip flops (pink and light blue) for 5 bucks at Old Navy. Then she treated me out to an french vanilla iced coffee at Dunkin Donuts and even bought my mom a coffee. That was nice of her! The only reason why I came home was because I was supposed to go out to eat with my dad and Brian.
You know, I don't want to get into this, but it makes me so upset. Time and time again. I had such a good day and then my dad makes me burst into tears. I mean so little to him, seriously. I can't tell you how many times I try talking to him and he treats me like I'm invisible. I just want to let go of everything he's done in the past and have a relationship with him, but he clearly doesn't care. I was trying to tell him I made honor roll and how I have a plus size modeling audition tomorrow (to make him proud), but he completely ignores me. So before he left I said, "Can you look at me!?!". He talks to my brother and does everything with him but treats my mom and I like shit. It hurts A LOT. I know deep down he cares about me, at least a little, but I also know that he is the most selfish person I have ever met. I hate that I have his bad temper. The last time my dad and I went out, just the two of us, was last year and that's only because my aunt made him. The whole time we were out at dinner he was staring at the waitress. Everything I was trying to tell him, he didn't pay attention to. He looked right past me. He's like, "oh, I didn't know that." I told him 2484 fucking times. He never listens. He'll never understand me. My father and I are strangers. We still have time. Ah, I hate writing about this stuff, but I need to vent.
I'm really happy with my life right now. But he will always make me a little sad.
I dream of another you,
one who would never leave me alone to pick up the pieces...
I don't know you, but I still want to.
Tell me the truth, did you ever love me?
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| hi :) |
[17 May 2006|11:42am] |
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music |
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john mayer - good love is on the way |
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I woke up bright and early this morning and went to the vet.
Cosmo was okay. Timmy was nervous as hell and jumped up on the window and knocked everything over. It was scary. They just got shots. They're going back in a couple weeks to get neutered, but I don't want to go. I don't like vet offices and seeing sick animals. It's sad. Cosmo has an eye infection, so we got meds for him. They kept telling my mom, if they have any diseases that it's better to put them asleep...I don't want to think about that stuff! eh.
Anyway, the sun is out, yay. Not that I mind the rain.
ps. I made over my livejournal, new layout.
Done with broken people
This is me I'm working on
because I know good love is on the way
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| smile when you feel the sunlight |
[17 May 2006|12:46am] |
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music |
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the format - snails |
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+ Late night/Early morning phone conversations with friends
+ Going out to dinner with two of my favs (cute & friendly waiter too)
+ Cleaning all day but seeing the end result
That's what the last two days have basically consisted of. ♥
I've been watching a lot of tv too. Mostly Gilmore Girls and Sex and the City.
"Maybe we just obsess over relationships that feel unfinished" -Sex and the City
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| excited! |
[15 May 2006|11:58am] |
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music |
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yeah yeah yeahs - gold lion |
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The modeling agency just called me! They want to see me again on Thursday @ 3:30. I guess only half of us made it :) My mom goes, "Aren't you surprised?" and I was like "No, I think I have a certain look to me". However it's true that some of the other women are better speakers, but I can work on that.
Three very good things are going to come from this.
1) Great bonding experience with my mom. She drives me to auditions and is very supportive.
2) It's just going to keep boosting my confidence. Even if they give me back criticism, I'll learn.
3) I hopefully will be some kind of model.
I'm sure you're sick of hearing about this, but I'm just happy that I'm taking steps to do what I want to do. I'm proud of myself. I don't think I could have done this a couple years ago. But now look at me! :)
Thanks everyone for your encouragement too! It means a lot.
♥
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| you're beautiful, it's TRUE. |
[13 May 2006|05:23pm] |
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music |
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james blunt - you're beautiful |
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I just got back from the Rhode Island Modeling Agency in East Providence. It was tricky to find, my mom and I got lost, but luckily we stopped at a gas station and asked a guy pumping his gas for directions and he told us he was driving that way anyway, so we followed behind him. We found the place just in time! There were about 60 full figured women there - all shapes, sizes, and ages. It was really informative. Catherine Schuller (google her, lol) who has been in the business for nearly twenty years talked to us about her experiences and how we can get more involved. I guess she's working on something with Wynona Judd right now. It was a very encouraging environment. After she was done talking, we had to line up by number and do a little walk on the runway, and then after that, we lined up again and had to talk in front of everyone - saying our names, where we're from, what agency we're representing, why we want to model, etc. It wasn't bad at all. At first I didn't want to do it, but then I'm like I'm here, I might as well seize the day. Call backs are on Monday. I honestly think I have a pretty good chance at getting called back. But even if I don't, I don't really care. Today was just to try it out. I know a lot of famous models have been rejected a lot by modeling agencies before finally getting accepted -like Tyra Banks and Cindy Crawford. Good quote: "Even if you're not made out to be a model, you're all still ROLE MODELS". Damn straight. Haha I want to be a role model and boost the self esteem of other women. You don't have to be a size three to be gorgeous. :) When we were driving back home, "You're Beautiful" by James Blunt came on too, like a sign from God.
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| i'll hold on to the dream of this beggar's plea and optimistic fantasy |
[11 May 2006|12:16pm] |
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music |
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cartel-the minstrels prayer |
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I find myself slipping back into my old habits so easily now that I'm home. I don't want to be who I was in high school. I've come so far. I just get back into that high school frame of mind, especially when I see certain people. Eh...I just want to mean something to someone. I need to find a job.
ps. I made honor roll. I got all As and Bs! I'm pretty happy about that. :)
update: My mom just bought me a new comforter and new sheets for next year!
only in the antique rose color:
Also, anyone remember Jewel? I'm in love with her new song. I forgot how much I really like her. lol
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| There now, steady love, so few come and don't go |
[09 May 2006|03:10pm] |
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music |
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the fray - look after you |
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Just a little update of what I did today:
+ cleaned out my one of my desks & folded all of my clothes nicely
+ washed my cat Cosmo ahh I felt so bad but he smells a lot better now, like kiwi
+ called the modeling agency in Providence, they were so nice! I'm meeting with Katherine on Saturday @ 2
Of course I know little things matter a lot, but sometimes I find myself being lazy. I'm going to be more productive this summer and not sleep past 11, no matter how late I'm up the night before. I have to suck it up sometimes and do things that I don't want to do, but in the end I know it will be worth it.
I can put anything I put my mind to. I'm going to continue making small positive changes each day. Eventually I'll be the best I can be. Sometimes I may fall off track, but the important thing is that I don't give up. I personally feel a lot better just singing along to Christian songs and focusing on what is really important to me in life.
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| the colored sounds of spring |
[08 May 2006|06:54pm] |
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music |
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Maria Taylor - Birmingham 1982 |
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So if you didn't know already, I'm home. It still hasn't really hit me yet. I don't even want to think about going back to MCLA next semester and not having most of my closest friends be there anymore. It's so nice to be home. Today I went into Boston with Rachel. I LOVE Boston. We went to Emmanuel College to pick up Kristen. We ended up getting lost at one point, so we went to this fancy dentist office and used the restrooms and asked for directions. I saw the hospital I was born at -Brigham and Women's. I didn't realize how many colleges are right across from each other in Boston, lol. I saw Simmons and Berklee School of Music (where my lover Johnny Mayer went to college for a year). We went out to lunch at the Prudential Center - CHEESECAKE FACTORY. Omg, it was so pretty & fancy. They have really good food. Cheesecake is my favorite food, so I tried the Kahlua kind. lol. It was nice seeing Rachel and Kristen, they're funny. Hm, what else? I'm going to a plus size modeling thing next weekend hopefully in Providence with my mom. I also heard something about a Ben Affleck movie being filmed in Boston, so maybe I'll try to be an extra, lol. My favorite cd right now is Maria Taylor's 11:11. It's on repeat. ♥
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