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Monday, July 28th, 2008
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8:44 pm - (San Diego, CA) I haven't been to the beach yet.
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I'm right across the street from it right now though and it's beautiful. Everyone I've talked to has told me it's gonna be really cold. I could really care less though. The beach always kicks ass.
I'm gonna try and make it to some shows while I'm out here, and I have to catch up with friends in L.A. I also told my sister that I'm going to house sit one of her friends places with her. So, I guess I'm not gonna have as much time as I had hoped to do things. Looks like I'll just have to plan another trip :-p
On that note. I'm gonna go find something to do. I've been here two days and I think it would be best for me not to spend too much time on the computer.
"Every artist dips his brush in his own soul, and paints his own nature into his pictures." - Henry Ward Beecher
current mood:  content
current music: Tilly And The Wall - A Perfect Fit
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| Sunday, July 20th, 2008
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1:09 pm - Hello Journal... Oh how I have missed you...
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So, I finally got a new computer. Hopefully I shall receive the chance to post more. I have a decent job, but would like a better one. I've had it since february. I'll probably try to get another job in addition to the one I have when I return from California.
I think I managed to fill the hard drive on this computer in less than a week. So, I'm already looking to get a new hard drive. Need to see if my budget will allow for it though. I found the one I want for 185 bucks though, so, that's good.
I feel like I've been trying to get my life more in order now, and I have goals for once. Well, sort of. I at least know what I am working towards and have contingency plans galore just in case I need them. (I think I always have contingency plans though. :-P
I would put a new pic up and show my work clothes, but, I haven't quite gotten the hang of everything on here yet. Also, I would like to crop them in photoshop, but, I haven't put it on my computer yet, and I'm not sure if I have the room for it now. I might download Picassa. Does anyone have an opinion to offer on it? I had it before and just don't remember how well it worked.
Other than all that stuff. I pulled an all nighter on friday because I had dinner plans with friends. We had a couple pitchers of sangria and I didn't end up home till 5 am. Well, I had plans to meet my friend Diana on the beach the next morning, so, I didn't sleep. Then after 3 hours on the beach, I had to get a shower and haul ass back home for a meeting, then work directly after the meeting. So, I ended up awake for about 33 hours and it's been a while since I've done that. (Just wait till I travel again, haha)
Diana is moving to DC on the 31st, so I'm pretty bummed about that. And I just got my last chance to see her because I'm gonna be in Cali. But when friends live further away, it's more of a reason to travel. I don't know what else to write. So, I'll end with a quote and peace out now.
"Our brightest blazes of gladness are commonly kindled by unexpected sparks." - Dr. Johnson
current mood:  thankful
current music: CocoRosie - Terrible Angels
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| Saturday, June 16th, 2007
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5:16 am - Honda Civic Tour tonight.
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crazy fucking shit. that's all i have to say on that for right now. *hugs
current music: live
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| Sunday, June 10th, 2007
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3:27 pm - "I know I'm leaving, but I don't know where to..."
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I was doing so well with life, but, it feels like everything just fell apart recently. I have a bad habit of putting too much faith in people. I can't help it because I need to believe everyone in inherently good. I have so little faith in humanity as it stands. I feel like all the good in the world is like water, and the more I try to grasp it, the more it spills through my fingers. I wish I could have froze time, like I could water, and kept things good while I was young and naive.
I'm still naive, and I always will be, but everything around me always feels like it's forcing me to see the light of the world, and that there is no hope. I fight so hard against it, and always try to be the nicest person that anyone has ever met because I don't know how else to act. I put a lot of my soul into people around me, only to have it thrown away like a used tissue.
I have amazing friends, good ones, that treat people well. That would prefer that they be hurt than hurt someone else, but, even some of them are waking up to the world around us and losing their purity. Not all of them though, and those that aren't, I thank you for being strong.
I have never understood why the world has to be such a bad place. I can find so much good in it most of the time, but, it's times like these when I feel suicidal, but, don't worry. There is no way I could ever try that again, because, it hurts too many people that care.
Times like these, I pray that god, or whatever higher power there is could relieve me of what I've been given, or let me know what my purpose is here. I've tried to kill myself so many times, and been through so many things that I shouldn't have lived through, that I just don't know why I'm here.
In closing, I just want to say that I wish I could make the world a better place that I feel confortable living in. And, until the day I die, I will keep trying to do so. I wish people would take a look back once in a while and look around, because I'm sure if they did, they would see something they could make better.
"Do everything with a mind that lets go. Do not expect praise or reward." - Achaan Chah
"Our deeds determine us, as much as we determine our deeds." - George Eliot
current mood:  shitty
current music: Bright Eyes - Landlocked Blues
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| Monday, December 18th, 2006
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5:30 am
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James = depressed & fucked in the head
current music: The Raveonettes - The Christmas Song
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| Saturday, October 14th, 2006
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2:06 am - YAY for being chastised for doing the right thing.
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I wish god would relieve me of the life I've been given.
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| Saturday, October 7th, 2006
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7:11 am - This is a comment I left on someone's blog, and I decided to make it my post.
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I think I've decided to try and be alone, and change the world. I just don't know where to start. I do my day to day nice things, and hope that they help positiveness sperad.
It seems to be all I hope for now-a-days. Being nice, and hoping that it spreads to other people. I just don't want to think that everyone in this world is just in it for themselves. I wish it were easier for people to be nice to complete strangers. Why do you have to know someone to be nice to them. I think that's kind of ignorant.
By the way. I'm kinda high.
So, today, I saw this guy helping push someone's car that the engine shut down in. There was so much traffic, and I did my best to get off the road in time to help, which I didn't, but, I was just so happy to see someone else in this world helping someone else without knowing them. I asked the guy if they still needed help, and he said "no." He said how nice it was of me to pull off the road with such ferociousness, to come help, and said "the people on the road are so easy to curse and yell, but, no one can stop and lend a hand." and in that moment I was just happy that I knew there was another person in this world that gave a damn.
current mood: sad
current music: Yellowcard - View From Heaven
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| Sunday, October 1st, 2006
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7:46 am - "I'm glad you got away, but I'm still stuck out here"
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I wish I wasn't alone.
I wish you were still here with me.
I wish I knew how to make my life normal.
Especially without you here.
You cared more than anyone else.
At least that's how it fealt.
I wish you hadn't left.
I wish it were me instead of you.
Only because I miss you,
Not because you should feel this pain.
I miss your voice.
I miss your touch.
I miss your hugs.
I miss your compassion.
You taught me how to hug more.
You taught me how to care more.
You taught me how to be who I am.
And I'm so grateful, that you taught me to care so much,
But, I wish you hadn't left me.
I just wish I could be with you.
But, all I can do is hope I see you one day...
One dark day,
When everything has faded.
current music: Bright Eyes - First Day of my Life
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| Monday, September 25th, 2006
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11:54 pm - I've cried at least once a day for the past few weeks.
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I don't know why, but suddenly I've fealt that I've done everyone a big disgrace by being alive. Which is weird because I haven't fealt alive in such a long long time. I've fealt so dead on the inside. I don't know what to do with my life. All I know is that I don't feel like I've been doing anyone good with me being alive. I think that is why all my relationships fail. Frankly because I'm an asshole. I wish I knew how to act differently and treat people better, but, honestly, I treat people as best I know how.
I understand that this isn't enopugh for most people, and that it seems like I go way out of my way for some friends over others. But, truth be told, I would help everyone if I could. It's just I have to see that some people need it more than others at different points in their lives.
I'm sorry that it's taken me so long to write in here and, I will try to write more, but, as it stands. I need things to settle a little, and life is too stressful right now, so, I don't know when I will write again. I wish that I didn't cry as much as I do, and I wish I could use that energy to do something positive instead of using it to make myself tired, but, this is all I have in me, and the most I can hope for is to keep going. Even with people making me feel bad for things that I feel are out of my control.
I wish that so amny things were in my control, but, with my emotions the way they are, things will never be proper.
*hug
I LOVE YOU ALL
current mood:  shitty
current music: The Spill Canvas - Self-Conclusion
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| Friday, July 7th, 2006
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12:32 am - "you're violent in a ticklish way" - victor juarez
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Those were the words that my new room mate just said to me. Yes, to all that don't know yet, Victor has moved in with me. And I don't know if I already posted about it, but, my friend Steve Smith moved in with me earlier this year. We meant to have a party for it, but, I've been spending most of my time trying to keep my jobs and my household in order.
I was wanting to have a party this weekend-ish. And I wanted to theme it. My friends a while back had a TMNT themed party, and I wanted to re-create that. So I was thinking on having a get together with some pizza and beer. Throw a sewer grate on the door and make it look like you're walking into a sewer.
I need more interaction with my friends. I miss it alot.
current mood:  okay
current music: The television.
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| Friday, June 9th, 2006
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3:11 am - Something's wrong...
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I feel like I've not been a good friend to people lately. Like my friendship with people is slipping away. Ironically, the only thing I can think to do to solve this, is to run away from the problems in front of me, and think that everything will be better when I return.
I think I used to be a much better friend to people, but now I feel like I have nothing to offer anyone. There are so many people that I haven't even talked to lately. People that have even slipped away because of my lack to post in this journal.
It just gets so hard to keep in touch with everyone that I don't know what to do. I mean, how am I supposed to give everyone my undivided attention?
(Insert witty comment here.)
I used to have the time to hang out with everyone, and see everyone, and make sure everyone's lives were going good, and if not, talk to them about it and see if there was anything I could do to help.
Now, I only have time to sleep, and worry about cleaning my house. And, that's no way to live. I think that is where I get my desire to go on some random raod trip, or fly somewhere that I don't have any friends and figure out how I'm going to survive. I miss my fight or flight instincts. I feel like I'm decaying and need to have something planted in me, so that at least it can thrive and grow, because, there's nothing left of me, but fertilizer to help something else become good in this world.
All I can think about when I talk about this is fight club, and how I feel like what I'm doing is a waste of time, and I wish I could be a part of something bigger, or mostly, wishing I could create something bigger. Enough of my rambling. Everyone have a good night.
current mood:  listless
current music: My breathing.
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| Tuesday, May 9th, 2006
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6:31 am - This quote makes me cry sometimes...
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"To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty; to find the best in others; to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded."
-Ralph Waldo Emerson-
This quote makes it easier for me to live because I feel like I've been able to make at least one person's life easier. And it makes me feel more successful with my life. It also has irony with something someone said to me recently.
The other day, someone told me that, the reason I have so many problems with my life is because I'm not selfish enough. I'd like to think that the reason I don't have as many problems as I would, is because of the giving person I am. I don't like to feign that I'm a saint, nor do I want it to sound like I like talking about myself, because as most of you know, I don't. And when I do, it's because I have a funny story to tell about something in my past.
I don't think that I know how to be selfish. What I have, I share, whether it be something you can attain and grasp onto, knowledge that has been passed to me from somewhere else, or just being my friend and knowing I will always be there for you.
Have a great day everyone.
Oh yeah. Starting a new job today. In about an hour.
-peace-
current mood:  awake
current music: Bright Eyes - Easy Lucky Free
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| Wednesday, May 3rd, 2006
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2:49 am - I've decided....
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I've decided... that apparently I'm a very bad person. Apparently karma hates me, and I think that, from now on when karma tells me that I have been bad, I need to further punish myself. I've tried so hard to be a good person, but, fate tells me that I've been a bad person.
No matter what I do to be nice or help people, bad thing happen to me. Bad things will always happen to me, but, no matter how hard I try to kill myself, that will never happen either. I am meant to live in agony always.
That is why I decided to further punish myself when bad things happen to me, because, obviously, that is what I deserve.
-james-
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| Saturday, April 29th, 2006
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6:00 am - FUCK
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Why the fuck come no one is up when I am? I'm actually not that upset about it. I'm just fucking bored. I've been reading alot the past few nights and writing and stuff. I even broke out my sketch book last night, and drew in there a little bit. Unfortunately, there were pics of my best friend that passed away in there, so, I was kind of depressed last night, as well as now actually. I need to get to sleep too, because Zane is taking me rock climbing tomorrow, if I wake up. I just can't bring myself to go to sleep. I have the insomnia I used to have when I was little, but, at least I am getting some reading and drawing done, and a little bit of writing as well.
( I went to Disney a couple times in the past week, so, here's some pics from that. )
So, now my close to this non sense. I'm going to sleep. Hope everyone is doing well. It's been a while since I've posted in here. *hugzzz
"Confidence is only a matter of convincing yourself you have it. The only problem is how powerful your mind can be at convincing you otherwise." - James Emerson (wrote it late last night)
current mood: okay
current music: Pirates of the Caribbean dvd menu music in the background
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| Thursday, March 23rd, 2006
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2:56 am - "Forget me, It's that simple..."
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I've been really run down lately. Every time I think I've caught my breath and I can deal with life, I get hit in the stomach and someone knocks the wind out of me again.
I'm so tired of being told how to live my life, and what I should and shouldn't do. I want to learn from people, but, I don't want the lecture. There's a time and place for everything. And with my life the way it is right now, that time and place have nothing to do with me as far as I'm concerned.
The more I write in this journal, the more I feel like I am writing a story. I feel like this isn't my life. Or that maybe it shouldn't be my life. I've had the best of times and I've had the worst of times.
I can think of times in my life that were so grand that they would dwarf the things that people dream of doing. I've also had times so bad, that I'm sure if someone else had to deal with them, they wouldn't make it out alive.
I seriously have no other way to describe how I feel with my life right now, then out of breath.
I keep trying to find that second wind, but, someone threw me in a pool, and is holding me under. (which actually reminds me of a Dane Cook line) "Get back in the firey water!!!
I think I need to cut down on my drinking.
Words I'm sure most of you thought you'd never hear.
No one wants to be with an alcoholic. And I feel like it's really been taking a toll on me. And it doesn't even make me feel better like it used to. I think alot of it had to do with the people I was drinking with.
Everyone tells me that they care about me, and I know it's true. (For the most part.) I just feel so weird inside lately. I feel more of a connection from people I've never met before, then from people I know.
"I'm more alone with you, then when I'm by myself" - The Ataris
But this isn't always the case. There are people that can be around me no matter what mood I'm in, and alot of you know who you are, and alot of times, I don't let you know if you're one of these people. But, I'm in a rut right now. I feel like I'd rather stay in most of the time lately.
I don't know what to do with myself.
"For the sword outwears its sheath,
And the soul wears out the breast,
And the heart must pause for breath,
And love itself have rest."
-Lord Byron-
"You can take from every experience what it has to offer you. And you cannot be defeated if you just keep taking one breath followed by another."
-Oprah Winfrey-
"A friend is one to whom you can pour out the contents of your heart, chaff and grain alike. Knowing that the gentlest of hands will take and sift it, keep what is worth keeping and with a breath of kindness, blow the rest away."
-Unknown-
current mood:  tired
current music: Rise Against - Swing Life Away
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| Monday, March 6th, 2006
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3:34 am - "She says live up to your first impression, well my best side was your worst invention." - TBS
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I've been kind of stressed lately.
All my thoughts seem to culminate to my existance. And it seems so meaningless. I just wish I knew what I was supposed to be doing, so, I could start doing it. That way if I find out that I'm supposed to be working this same job 14 hours a day, and being mean to everyone. Cause if it is, I'll just go ahead and kill myself now, and save the world some time and grief.
"this is one more day on the verge of tears" - Brand New
I can't seem to cry. I don't know what the reason is for this.
>Have I become emotionless?
>Have I just cried myself out growing up?
>Have I just been convincing myself that nothing is wrong for too long?
"My best friend goes, I try to follow, Running as you disappear." - The Starting Line
I should be happy because I've been getting paid more, so, I'll be able to travel again soon. I really miss Australia, and I can't wait to go back. And there are so many friends I need to go and visit. I was thinking about taking little weekend vacations to see everyone. I still need to visit Europe, and I was thinking about doing that with a co-worker in april.
I started a promotion company with my room mate. I can't wait till things pick up more, so, I can leave the country knowing that I don't have to worry about my job and stuff, because i will be able to work on most of the stuff on the computer and such.
"wouldn't it be nice if we were older, then we wouldn't have to sait so long" - Beach Boys
I'm tired of waiting for my life to be better again, and I don't know how to handle it. I really want to quit my job, and just work things out, but, I know the money will help me with bills and help me travel, and just help in general. I just don't want to end up like my mom thinking money will solve all of my problems when I know it won't.
At least I know why she's so unhappy and grumpy sometimes. I mean, now that I've been working as many hours as she has, I am grumpy all the time, and tired, and mean. I really hate it, because it's not who I'm used to being.
I'm used to being a care free, fun person. I am used to going to concerts all the time. I'm used to having fun at parties instead of being the one that needs to get sleep.
What has my life become?
"If only we'd stop trying to be happy we could have a pretty good time." - Edith Wharton
current mood:  lost
current music: Taking Back Sunday - One - Eighty by Summer
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| Tuesday, February 14th, 2006
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3:28 pm - Disclaimer : Do not read if you want to continue thinking I am a good person.
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I always think that god has something against me, or that I am being punished for something. But, I am absolutely sure I get what I deserve. I have to be the worst person in the world. I always pretend that I am alright in the head, and that I am moral and just, but, I'm just missing out on life. I've lost my passion. My life has consisted of me being bitter lately, and, I don't know what happiness is anymore. Everytime I think I find it, it's just a lie. I was kidding myself.
Another reason I'm a bad person is my obsession with self mutilation to calm myself, and wanting to die so badly. The hell it puts my friends through, just shows how bad of a person I am, and how weak I am. If I were a stronger person, I could hold it in, and deal with it.
I hate working, and just expect everything to be given to me. I just don't know why I try anymore. The only times I feel happy, are with thoughts of veering off the road, or a gun pointed at my face, and hand slinging back, warm from the discharge of the bullet, or recently at work, I've been thinking of falling with lots of glasses in my hands, and the shrapnel from the glass purging through my skin all over my body.
I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me anymore. I used to be happy, and I don't think I can ever be that way again. I've lost the ability to feel that way.
I don't know what else to say.
P.S. I hate Valentine's Day.
"I don't think that I've ever loved you more, than when you turned away, when you slammed the door, when you stole the car and drove towards Mexico, and you wrote bad checks, just to fill your arm, I was young enough, I still believed in war..." - Bright Eyes
current mood:  dead
current music: David Gray - This Year's Love
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| Saturday, December 31st, 2005
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12:16 pm - signifigance
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This empty feeling makes me feel cold,
my lonely heart brings pain untold.
My family once,
I thought was there.
The more they're here,
the less I care.
I'll always run,
to others arms,
How can stranger's families,
do me less harm.
As more time passes,
with more people I see,
more families I encounter,
but, they're good to me.
I see how real families are,
and how they treat each other,
it makes it so I can't wait
to start my own family.
"I bitch, cry, moan, whine, scream and shout today, but the wall wouldn't listen to me! Why wouldn't it listen to me? I'm sick of always cryin'. I don't wanna be sick of trying" - The Ataris "Lately"
current mood: depressed
current music: Bright Eyes - Easy, Lucky, Free
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| Thursday, December 22nd, 2005
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9:12 pm - Make that 4 jobs...
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But, I'm quitting one in the next week.
current music: i'm listening to me catching my breath.
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| Wednesday, December 21st, 2005
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5:30 pm - So, I just got a 3rd job today, and I feel kind of empty and unaccomplished.
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I don't really know what's up anymore. I think it's just because I feel like I'm not doing anything that I was meant to do with my life, but I am soo behind with my bills that I feel like I am going to drown or be buried alive in them soon.
I'm sorry, but, those of you that know me well, should know that there is no way I was ever meant to work 3 jobs at a time. I feel like I'm struggling so much just to survive, and I just wish I would have gotten a job with my degree or stayed in Australia and kept working there.
I have alot of new pictures, but, I will have to put them in here another time. I'm kind of lost right now, and I have too much on my mind. The job that I got pays pretty well, but, I'm going to hate doing it. I'm pretty sure that I fucking hate life right now, but, I don't really know why. I probably need to travel soon, (but, I just got back from Connecticut.)
Well, I'm back to being confused with life. I thought life was starting to get easier for me, but, I guess I was wrong again.
Sorry for the negativity, but, I needed an outlet.
I should move.
current mood:  crappy
current music: The Weakerthans - Plea From a Cat Named Virtue
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_emmo's journal