I had a bad night last night. When don't I have a bad night?
Well, both of my cousins have had their babies now.
Ashley; Blake Alan; Today
Katy; Haleigh; A couple weeks ago.
But yeah. My mom spent the night with Ashley down there.
She said I could go with her, but I guess she changed her mind.
I cut. I gave in. My weak willed nature has failed me again. It bled alot, it felt good. A rush from my down time. I'm falling into another hole, and I'm digging down deeper trying to get out. I almost .. swallowed some pills. I almost gave in .. Almost. I don't know why I didn't. I kind of wished I had. That way, I wouldn't be here today, and that way, I wouldn't be "the problem" in my family.
I can picture them, after I'm gone. I wouldn't always be on the computer, tying up the phone line, yelling, screaming, crying, cutting. They wouldn't have to worry about my bad grades, the wouldn't have to tell me not to do bad things, 'cause I'd have done the last bad thing I could. I'd have exceded all their boundries of worry.
I think one of the reasons I don't do it, is because I'll leave behind the guilt. The guilt of my death, my mom will think its her fault. I don't know, my dad has passed on his anger. I know that. I have anger problems, I have emotional problems.
The school counsler called me down to her office the other day. Not yesterday, but the day before. And I told her I was doing fine, I was happy. I told her my mom put me on medicine and made appointments with counslers for me. I told her that my mom was making another appointment for me to get on different medicine. I told her that that I didn't like the counsler, and thats why I wasn't seeing her. But the truth is, my mom wants me to do it without medicine, without counslers. Its not working. I liked that counsler, I liked the medicine, I liked the feelings. I was somewhat happy. The medicine blocked off the tears. And the urges. At least, thats how it felt. It took away the pain.
I haven't talked to Michael in awhile, and lately, I've been missing him a little more than usual. Lately, the feelings for him have just faded into the back of my mind. Maybe thats a good thing.
Lacey was lying to me.
I hate her, kinda.
Alex. Well, he's still as gourgeous as ever. But I don't see things with me and him, going anywhere. He likes Megan R. and Olivia H. And they are so small. Like, seriously. I'm nothing compared to them.
Oh, and I've given up on Zach. I don't even think he likes me, sometimes. Him and Bryan are talking again.
Its not fair. Because I miss Bry alot. Oh well though, I guess life just likes to deal me bad cards. I do stupid things, why should I deserve better? A dad who hates me, friends who are blind, and a bed to soak the tears and the blood. What else do I deserve? The real question is, what else do I need?
I don't need anything besides that, I guess.
What I want is a much longer list. A list that won't come true. A list that is full of fantasies and things that can never be.
I don't believe in dreams anymore, either. I always though, dream it, and maybe you can achieve it. But thats not the truth. My dreams. I've failed them so many times. My dreams, to fall in love, to be happy, to write a full story, to tell people how I feel, to be nice. Those dreams are unrealistic. Everything is unrealistic.
When I look into my future.. Do you know what I see?
Its not college, or love, or old age.
Its not happinss, or a large house, or a perfect job.
Its death, depression, and tears.
Maybe even some blood.
Who wants to look forward to that?