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March 24th, 2011


07:37 pm
feels like i'm on the cusp. i'm having trouble getting a job. and i know why. cause i cant get a good reference. i know i couple of people who will always give me a good reference - but the others mean i don't get a job. i try very hard when working. but i have my problems. my personel best isnt good enough. sometimes i really hate bein borderline. even when i get medical certificates to say i cant attend late saff meetings - i am probably better off just not showing up. i am different. and people seem to hate me. the only people i can charm are men. and yet i just went off at my prositiute friend for calling me low class. i know i abuse alcohol. but i need it. or else i would have thrown myself off of a building a long time ago. even now i think it might be the best way. i cant not get a job for too long - i'm embarrassed already. i need to live a normal life or i need to die. i cant be inbetween. and to make it worse - i'm single. the men that want me are rich and after a fling. from the $500 bottle of champagne they love to buy - to the cruises they try to take me on - but i want none of it. i really just want a man i love. i don't care about money. i just want someone who really really loves me for me. however i doubt that will ever happen. so i supose as well jump off a building now. life is so hard sometimes.

 

March 20th, 2011


07:28 pm
i feel strange after running into my ex last night. i had pictured it so many times. and i looked hot. which is what i wanted. but i also realised that he isnt hot. he isnt even that good looking at all. which makes me feel great. i still don't like the condescending way he speaks to me. but when he said he could be difficult and stupid - i agreed with him. and i told him not to screw up his current relationship. somehow i am amazed i ever wanted him in the first place. i am confused. but i suppose i have changed a lot in the last year. i would never even look twice at him these days. i have a lot of men trying to pick me up now. back then - it was my first time out in years - cause i had been studying. now i go out lots - and am very used to men hitting on me and calling me gorgeous. life is strange. but i really don't like the way he spoke to me - like he thought he was amazing enough to cause me permanent mental harm. he so holds cards on himself. and he was very lucky to even get me. i have alot of men wanting me that have much more to offer. but i need to remind myself that all things happen for a reason. and i very much believe in Karma. and have watched it at work. treat me like shit - and you will be treated even worse. so joyful to watch.

 

December 19th, 2010


07:57 pm
i cant remember who i am..... i have lost myself as a person. i am just trying to figure out the things i like. and remind myself. but right now i feel hurt - my mother wants me to try and date again. and all i can remember is last time. not what my ex did. but how hurt i was from what my family said. particularly what my sister said. not only did she hit on my boyfriend. she told me everyday that i wasnt good enough for him. and that i was a whore. and he deserved better. and it hurt. i realise now that if i date - i need her to be far away. and never meet the guy. everything i like- she has always wanted. and its sick. i hope she's goes to weipa for a year. it is a possibility. so i hope she goes. i realise i cant live my life while she is around. it sounds aweful to say. but i need her to live somewhere else.

 

December 14th, 2010


07:15 pm
i don't know what to do or what to say. i feel despondent. and i feel like i'm having trouble taking care of myself. the simple things are so difficult. and then i feel lonely. i suppose its because its nearly christmas. i'm starting to think of my ex. i miss him. and yet i could never take him back even if he said he wanted me. i want to find love. but not at the expense of my dignity and self esteem. i don't know if i will ever find love - but i pray that whatever is meant to happen will happen.

 

November 23rd, 2010


08:21 pm
feels like an idiot for getting used. i liked the Dj. but after we hooked up he doesnt want to know me. i didnt sleep with him. but i did stay over his house. and now i see photos of him and other girls on facebook. and it hurts. i should just delete him from facebook. but i would still have to see him when i go clubbing every weekend. and its not that i've been good either. last weekend i kissed 3 different men in one night. but i really really want to settle down and have a steady boyfriend. i crave that. and yet it doesnt seem to happen. i know my behaviour isnt conducive to finding a seady boyfriend. but thats all i know. its not like i always have a choice. i often get pushed against a wall. men seem to find me "hot". but it doesnt help me. i suppose all i can do is my best and god will look after the rest.

 

November 14th, 2010


08:03 pm
has so little faith in men. they all suck. the dj guy only wants to know me when he is out for a good time. i just want someone who wants me as a person. and yet i dream about sex. i just want to be close to someone. i dreampt about sex with my ex. but i cant contact him. i just want to feel loved. even if i have to lie to myself - sex can equal love if i lie to myself. i really want to be a fast girl - live fast - die young. my family already consider me a slut. i want to have sex - cut up my arms and die.

 

November 13th, 2010


08:28 pm
sometimes i wonder how men can get any worse. and then it happens. like just now. i have completey lost faith in them all. i wish i could find one good feature in men to restore my faith. but there is nothing.

 

November 9th, 2010


07:19 pm
is tempted to start doing the one night stand thing. i want sex. i want to pretend someone cares at least for a little bit. i want affection so bad. my family already think im a whore. even though i've only slept with one guy. but i'm 24. and i want that closeness more than anything. all i want is to be loved. and maybe the best i will get is one night stands. just random sex. at least i can pretend. i get tones of men wanting me for sex. but they don't want to be with me. i'm tempted to live fast. and then kill myself. cause it hurts so bad - i want someone to be with. and it never seems to happen. i'm thinking maybe i should just be borderline. smoke, drink, fuck men. and kill myself. i feel like it will happen no matter how much i want a normal life.

 

November 4th, 2010


07:25 pm
thanks rifumi for the advice. i so agree with you. i just wish men didnt only want sex from me. my mother keeps trying to warn me of the exact same thing. but i just don't want to believe that all men are so bad. but they are. and i know it. sometimes i just feel like going and fucking them all on my own terms. cause i want to be close to someone. i crave it. maybe i should be a lesbian. maybe i should research lesbian bars. lol.

 

November 3rd, 2010


08:30 pm
is so fucking despondent. i'm over it. men fucking suck. why do men only want me for fucking sex? men are so god damn stupid. i hate them all. even this new one. and the worst part is - he has so much control over me. i find it extremely hard to say no to anything. i have only know him a i week and a half. and he already made me stay over his place last saturday night. i didnt have sex with him. even though he wanted it. but all the same - he kept saying that it will happen soon anyway. i get really scared when men can control me. i don't know what to do. it took all my strength just to say i didnt want to see him tonight. he is a DJ at all the clubs i go too. so he has been watching me for months. but i barely know him. and i don't know what to do. i'm scared. i'm scared to lose him - even though i dont really want him. i'm scared for him to get too close in case i fall for him and he ditches me. i'm scared i cant say no to him. and he will fuck me and leave me. and then i'm scared that i cant deal with that and i will end up killing myself. i'm terrified of everything. and all i want is to go to counselling or something. but i cant. so i really really don't know what to do. please please help me.

 

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