Elle ([info]_elle_) wrote,
@ 2005-05-11 21:40:00
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Rich with memories
More about the past.
On March 27 I did some cleaning and ran across some of DJ's toys as a little boy. They are hard to let go.
Sigh
On April 2 our close, long time friend, GiggleGirl, came for a visit. So many happy memories of her and DJ when they were little.
Ahhhh

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tangential ramble
[info]choiceful
2005-05-13 11:25 pm UTC (link)
Very cute entry and pictures :)

The answer won’t be… ‘I did the best I could at that time’ which to me, always seemed like a cop-out. It is often used in therapy to deal with one's past... 'Your parents did the best they could at that time-- blah blah blah' Where's the accountability in that?

I think the reason therapists use that is because some people take their parents' poor parenting too personally. I think its very rare for a parent to do something with the intent of harming their child. Usually harmful things are done out of exasperation, actually believing that it is a good thing, lack of thought about consequences to the child, or self centered motivation.

Hence, while I agree that "the best they could" is poor phrasing: "who has the oversight to make that sort of judgement?!" I think the point that they're trying to get accross is a valid one: the parents were working with limited time, insight, and other resources, and most people do try to make a good life for their children and themselves in the ways they think are correct.

While its worth talking to parents to correct their poor behavior if it is still effecting others, generally by the time one is old enough to be seeing shrinks of their own accord the subject is pretty moot.

It certainly still could be worth talking to them about it and trying to help them change, but in general, I think trying to hold them accountable is pretty useless in that you are powerless to do anything to change the past. Its worth recognizing what they've done and what you approve/disapprove of, but beyond that, you choose your level of interaction with them or lack there-of, and in either case, trying to hold them accountable is likely to have more negative impact on you than them, since it is really only they who can change their behavior and holding a grudge tends to make one unhappy.

At least that is my interpretation of a book I've been reading lately, "Forgive for Good," and I am obviously in agreement ;)

I doubt he'd use that line about you, but I bet that he'll know that you tried really hard to give him a good life and treat him well, and appreciate that regardless of whether or not he agrees with all of your choices.

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[info]_elle_
2005-05-17 04:13 pm UTC (link)
Thank you! That book sounds interesting. 'Forgive for Good' is a good concept.

I think most parents don't answer this question honestly or in it's entirety. It's easier to say 'I did the best I could', when in fact, they did not do their best. It has been used so often, it is almost cliché. When mouthed directly from parents, to me, it is a victim’s cry for no accountability.

I think its very rare for a parent to do something with the intent of harming their child.
Yes, but what about harm through lack or effort, or obvious intention? Did their actions showed they cared? When they saw something wrong, did they try to correct/help it? Did they make the effort? No effort is just as harmful. And I think recognizing that for what it is, is important, instead of putting it under the panacea of ‘they did the best they could’. And it is in this panacea way that therapist use ‘they did the best they could’ that I am opposed to. If a parent truly did the BEST they could, then it fits. I have rarely come across that. It is more like ‘they just didn’t think’. If I took my parents parenting 'too personally' and I know no other way to take it, I would rather be honest about their parenting than sweeping it under the rug of 'they did the best they could'. That would be an insult to me.

Accountability is not about assigning blame but about accepting responsibility. If DJ comes to me with a question of how he was raised or some emotional issue, and I give him a full answer, and he responds with how he interpreted the issue at that time and how it has affected his life for the worse, aren’t I accountable, then and now? Isn’t he telling me that what I did, didn’t work for him? Am I suppose to say, well, you just interpreted the data incorrectly, it’s your fault?

If, as an adult, DJ has emotional and/or psychological issues/damage/trauma/pain, my hope is that he talks to me about it, so that together, plus or minus a therapist, we get to the goal… healthy individual. Healthy being a many faceted goal encompassing ‘happiness’, understanding, satisfaction, purpose, responsibility, compassion.

It certainly still could be worth talking to them [parents] about it and trying to help them change, but in general, I think trying to hold them accountable is pretty useless in that you are powerless to do anything to change the past.
I don’t think adult children should talk to their parents with the intention of changing them.
I do think holding them accountable now, for the past, is a powerful place to be. It doesn’t mean that you punish them or don’t forgive them, or that you hold a grudge, simply that they are responsible for their actions. It may mean holding them to a higher standard. All of this is whether or not you interact with them. Forgiving is about the individual doing the forgiving, as opposed to the one being forgiven. You can forgive someone and still hold him or her accountable for their actions.

This may come down to a difference in J and P...:)

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