If you don't run your own life, somebody else will.

Mon, 24 Jul 2006 17:52:17 GMT

Mon, 24 Jul 2006 16:18:47 GMT

I'm about to lose my fucking mind.

I can't lose a pound to save my life.
This small work week is interfeering with EVERY. SINGLE. THING. I want to do this week.
I was at the gym yesterday hitting the boxing bag. Guy was kind enough to point out I wasn't "going to hurt anybody". Why the fuck can't people leave me alone? YES I KNOW EVERYTHING I DO IS WRONG NOW FUCK OFF.
My mother doesnt go back to work till tomorrow. She's up my fucking ASS. Why can't she get a life?
I'm about 99% sure now that the guy from work (the biggin) just wants to get laid. We message each other on myspace, i mentioned I don't want to get caught up in the cloud of "I need to get laid" after getting laid. No response. He's offline.
My truck is on its last leg. The power steering fluid leaks and I'm guessing its pretty bad because its buzzing now.
Its a hundred and fifty THOUSAND DEGREES here making it really fucking hard to do anything except stay inside and get fatter.

Ah fuck it all. nobody cares. I barely care.

Sat, 22 Jul 2006 14:00:43 GMT

~~What the hell.. where are the @#$#@ cartoons? The early show? That other stupid news show? UGH!~~

Oh there they are.. I just remember back in 'the day', they started damn early!

Only 19 hours of work this week! WOOHOO!

Sat, 22 Jul 2006 01:22:35 GMT

I just realized today (yes, JUST today) that I stopped aging at 11. It totally explains why I am SO unable to have fun and to BE fun.

Those of you with "normal" childhoods, what were you doing as a pre-teen?

Wed, 19 Jul 2006 21:48:45 GMT

Saw the big guy at work this morning. Only one more night of work this week THANK GOD, so I just might ask him if he wants to do something. (trouble is, I think his idea of "something" and MY idea of "something" involves clothes and no clothes.. haha)

Anyway, the bitch is back at work. Just as I suspected. I turn in my 2 weeks and suddenly I'm something you throw away, not even good enough to feed a dog. Oh well. She's a twat anyway. Oops. There I go, making bad karma.

I just got back from the gym. A lot of the time I find it really hard to keep going, to stay focused.. or most of the time, UNfocused. I'm so busy thinking can I really do it for this long? I'm tired. I'm thirsty. blah blah blah. I brought with me (you won't even believe this) but "your best life now journal". Yeah. I bought it. Mm-hmm. One of the questions is what is something I'm going to have to accept about my life? I wrote down 'my mother is not my best friend'. It was harsh. As soon as i wrote it, the life drained out of me and I had to quit. I was on the verge of tears and my body was shaking.

I've said for a long time, ever since the twat started on me at work, that she reminds me of my mother. Belittling, nagging, nitpicking every SINGLE thing I do, never finding anything good. Whenever I talk to my mom about the twat, shes like, oh she has issues. She needs medication, etc....(yeah.. exactly)

Going back a little.. yesterday i had an appt with a personal trainer at the gym. (we signed up for so many sessions for so much money. My mom had the same lady, she had a few appts with her). so we were chit chatting, I said I'm done with this job, I'm tired of being anti social etc. she asks if I had a tragic childhood.. if my father was abusive.

This is what kills me. People meet my mother and think she's an angel. shes so niiiiiiiice and outgoing and yada yada yada. People don't believe she has another side. The exact opposite of what she pretends to be. She is still that way now, but now I don't give her any reasons to turn into a twat with me. she lives in her insanity and I'm outside of it. I don't try to stop her from all the stupid shit she says and does, and she is content with it.

well I'm not content. I'm tired of putting on the fake smile and pretending that my mother is some angel. I'm tired of denying the amount of pain she put me through. I know I wasn't the best kid in the world, but I loved her and she looked down on me. If I wasn't helping her, I was useless. It was all about her, her, her. And I got left behind.

I wonder now if she actually wonders why I'm a "nobody" in life. I've had many different types of jobs, but nothing that could even possibly support me. She wonders why I feel so stupid. So useless. She has no idea its because of the way she treated me growing up. Even now, with all the progress I've made, I'm hitting a brick wall. I find it impossible to get close to people. I talk to people at work, its mostly hi how are you blah blah blah.

I don't mean to scare anyone in recovery. I just know now that the pink elephant in the middle of the room needs to be talked about. Now that the bitch is back at work, this will be the perfect opportunity for me to practise.

I seriously cannot wait till this job is over. I miss mornings. I miss evenings. There's so much I want to do. I'm totally and completely exausted.

Tue, 18 Jul 2006 17:36:30 GMT

I sound like such a hippocrite just asking this. Say there was a guy, a big guy (in the 300-range) and you knew for a fact that he liked you. Had a fun personality and a *seemingly* good guy. Would the weight throw you off? (cuz lets face it, big guys ONLY have big bellies, unlike me where I get a big belly, a fat butt and big thighs LOL)

View Poll: #772661

Tue, 18 Jul 2006 07:25:49 GMT

T-minus 14 days and counting.

Ugh. Two weeks notice is suuuuch a loooooong time.

/whineeeee

Mon, 17 Jul 2006 12:26:31 GMT

It is currently 5:07am and its 82 degrees. What the @#$@#!?!?!?

I'm downing some yogurt and string cheese so I can go for a bike ride before it turns into hell again. Probably a good 2 hours or so.

Every time I post, I think, should I even post? Does anyone read my entries anyway? Then I read my friends list (not anyone individually, I don't mean this as an attack or anything) and I see all the negativity. Not that I'm some grand wonderful human, but as someone who used lj as a place to vent ALL my frustration and not seeing ANY positivity in the world, I think, yeah, this place could use some warm fuzzy crap.

The word of the day: doodle. Say it, try not to giggle. I dare you not to smile. DOUBLE DARE YA, SUCKAAAAAAAAA!

Anyhoo. I find out today about my boob. If its good or bad. The swelling and tenderness has gone away THANK GOD. So I'm crossing my fingers for good news. Then I can finally quit my job. I know I know. I've been talking about it for eeons. But I have to. I HAVE TO! I just can't do it anymore. Don't wanna, not gonna. Even though I love the people and I have medical insurance, its just not worth it. I get turn into a grumpy zombie, no matter how "well" I am working and how "nice" everyone is being. My boss makes me naseous that she is being so nice.

So what am I gonna do after I quit? Seriously? Go on a meditation retreat. Hopefully something longer than a week. Its funny, when I think about it, it all makes sense. When I was a kid, I never had a dream job. I have always been someone who has followed the "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it at all" NOT ALL THE TIME! But generally. When someone would put me down or whatever, I just say nothing. I used to think it was because I was weak and I just let people crap all over me because I deserved it, but now I think its because of the fact that I am so sensitive to other people, that even when they are bitchy to me I don't feel the need to return it. I will just smile and make fun of myself. I know its amusing to people.

I used to be incredibly greedy, always wanting the newest and greatest in technology. Collecting movies, cds, computer stuff, whatever. Now I could care less. I'm actually seriously thinking about selling my movies and cd's. I just don't watch them or listen to them. Its ALL about the ipod, baby! heh

I've always ALWAYS hated the mall. Mostly because my mom overdid it. If she had free time, its shopping. And shopping with her used to be absolute HELL. It was all about me me me what about ME, and when I think back about her attitude towards other people.. oy.

So anyway. Yeah. Now I realize my dream is to ditch everything and go off into the silence of the world. I've never felt the need to be in the "in crowd" going drinking or whatever, I enjoy peoples company more when we shut the #@$@# up. Its when you shut up when you really listen.

Yesterday I spent most of the afternoon watching a lifetime movie (OMG lifetime, I'm SUCH a girl) but it was on Human Trafficking. Holy poop on a stick. It's hard to believe that kind of thing actually goes on in this world. How can people be so evil? (My best guess is lots and lots of bad karma. Yeah, Karma. Someone doesnt get like that in one lifetime. Serial Killers? LOTS more of bad karma.)

Who IS this person typing here? it sure doesn't feel like me. Thankfully. haha.

Wow its 5:26 now, thats a lotta thinkin and typin.

Happy Monday all. It's just a day like any other day, so make the best of it :D

Sat, 15 Jul 2006 01:01:11 GMT

I can't wait to get fired from my job.. I'll collect unemployement for about a week till I get a better job :D

I finally got the Black Eyed Peas album.. woo! Uploading mp3s as we speak.

hmm yeah I think ill click update journal now. oops.

WOW OMG SWFRAJSLKDFJ! I'M SO GLAD THAT YAHOO NEWS POSTED THIS NEWSTORY! THAT IS DEFINITELY NEWS WORTHY! hahaha oh god save us all

Fri, 14 Jul 2006 15:10:08 GMT

Who is your hero? Why?

Thu, 13 Jul 2006 16:51:40 GMT

Dear female celebrities:

I am sorry that you were born with the blessing and the curse of being a female.
I am sorry that you have the blessing and the curse of being a celebrity.
I am sorry that society makes you feel like you have to be skinny.
I am sorry that there are people following you around 24/7 taking your picture, and that people actually feel the need to judge every little detail about your appearance.
I am sorry that people who call themselves your fan must judge and ridicule you along with everyone else.
I am sorry that even though you "should" be happy with all your money, fame, and everything, that your life is still just as empty as most of us "normal" people.

I am not being sarcastic when I say that it breaks my heart when I see you on the cover of magazines weighing less than 100 pounds. I see your bones, your legs about the same size as my arm and the fake smile you put on for the camera. I know not everyone sees past the makeup, clothes, money, but I can see your suffering. You don't deserve to be nitpicked and ridiculed. You're a human just like everyone else.

Please. Get some help.
Love,
me

Wed, 12 Jul 2006 16:18:23 GMT

Respect the bride! There just ISN'T enough articles like this in the world. So much someone wants to play the victim for the attention and pity. I know when I left my ex, I hated him and talked mega crap about him, taking the attention off myself. Who me? To blame? pfft. No way. All HIS fault. HE did this and HE did that and blah blah blah.

This morning when one of my boss' came in, her eyes were all red and she looked upset.. I asked what was wrong and she told me she has to put her dog to sleep. She is a woman I yet had to see REALLY upset before, she is a very positive, outgoing level minded person. I think she's strong too, she's not afraid of telling people (ie: our main boss who was a @#$#@$), so anyhoo seeing her like this was weird. As she was telling me this, I was affected. (I dont even really LIKE dogs!)If we had chatted longer, I probably would have cried right along with her. But she walked off, probably my sympathy made her feel worse. But my heart went out to her. (me? heart?)

My previous crush (see: obsession) apparently came in tonight before my shift started. He quit. This isn't a surprise, he didn't show up for work for like a week, and they are very strict about that crap. People kept telling me he came in, I think they might have been looking for a reaction. For me to ask questions or seem upset that I missed him. But I'm not. I'm srsly glad he's not there anymore. I don't like the person I am around him. Selfish much? yee.. yeah.

Question: What is your definition of inner peace?

Tue, 11 Jul 2006 21:59:46 GMT

I just got a thingy in the mail from Bariatric Solutions (the gastric bypass people) saying there will be a Plastic Surgeon at the next meeting.. the same one I saw last month! (ha! go figure) Which is cool. But the meetings themselves are a joke. Everytime I go to one, it's like I feel guilty for not following the "rules" exactly.

August 4th will be my 3rd anniversary, and I don't eat the way I should.. but I still try to follow the big rules. (no soda, no eating & drinking at the same time, eat slow, protein first.. yada yada) but today I did have 1 1/2 packages of peanut butter cups. and half a donut o_O I'm gonna burn in wls hell lol I'm so done counting calories and beating myself up for eating things I shouldn't. I'm just a frickin' human. I'm.. dare i say... FLAWED!

I am at 175 right now, which is a lot for my height. (5'3") But to break it down, I'm 120 pounds muscle, and probably at least 10 pounds of loose skin. (sorry for that visual), which still makes me overweight, but I'm not going to stress about it. I AM NOT MY WEIGHT! Being "fat" doesn't make me less of a person. I'm quite comfortable with where I am. I'm sure not 320 pounds, and even by some fat chance I do become 320 pounds again, I will never be the person I was before. (Totally, and completely miserable)

Also in this letter they said they are looking for volunteers. I have been looking for eeons for someplace to volunteer, and BAM! There it is.

It's been weeks since I've seen Alex at work. (Alex=the guy I was totally TOTALLY obsessed with and just wanted to @#$#sideways for months). And yanno what? I'm glad. He was a huge distraction. He's got a great personality and all, but its happy times when he's not there.

My mom is taking a nap. She never naps. I think she's getting frustrated. My life doesn't revolve around her, I don't feel the need to fix her life or entertain her, I've spent most of my day in my room. Reading, putting together a puzzle, attempting to meditate but getting sleepy and taking a nap lol I hope she realizes soon she needs help.

The more buddhist books I get, the more I want to become a buddhist nun. Srsly.

Woo courtney love baby!

Tue, 11 Jul 2006 21:43:51 GMT

My LiveJournal Sitcom
Visiting _effinsweet_ (DISNEY, 6:30): _effinsweet_ (Courtney Love) claims to be chickenflicker (David Schwimmer) in a job interview. Upstairs, milkwhore (Dave Coulier) and delatonja (David Caruso) buy a preschool. That weekend, rockcandy (Chevy Chase) draws a picture on silvertaste (Greg Kinnear)'s forehead. Later that day, smokeandtears (Parker Posey) convinces meghan_solo (Lena Horne) to buy a toilet. The week after, gender (Molly Ringwald) makes fun of cotume27 (Christopher Walken) for enjoying pacifism. (Part 2 of 2.)
What's Your LiveJournal Sitcom? (by rfreebern)

My LiveJournal Sitcom

Visiting _effinsweet_ (DISNEY, 6:30): _effinsweet_ (Courtney Love) claims to be chickenflicker (David Schwimmer) in a job interview. Upstairs, milkwhore (Dave Coulier) and delatonja (David Caruso) buy a preschool. That weekend, rockcandy (Chevy Chase) draws a picture on silvertaste (Greg Kinnear)'s forehead. Later that day, smokeandtears (Parker Posey) convinces meghan_solo (Lena Horne) to buy a toilet. The week after, gender (Molly Ringwald) makes fun of cotume27 (Christopher Walken) for enjoying pacifism. (Part 2 of 2.)

What's Your LiveJournal Sitcom? (by rfreebern)

Tue, 11 Jul 2006 00:28:18 GMT

P.S. This is the coolest painting ever.

Hi. I'm Jessica. I'm a hippocrite.

Mon, 10 Jul 2006 23:57:44 GMT

What is happiness? Person, place, thing?

What is suffering? What is the cause of suffering?

Who is in control of your life?

If someone treats me like crap when I treat them kindly, is it really my problem or theirs?

What is desire? What is need? Is there a difference?

What is there something in your life that you need and aren't getting? How long have you desired this? Will it cause much suffering for the rest of your life if you don't get it? Is it worth it?

What is permanet and impermanet?

What is perfection? What is acceptance? Does this have ANYTHING to do with apperances?

If you don't have these things, why not? What are you afraid of?

Mon, 10 Jul 2006 01:57:11 GMT

Weeeellll lets see.. I've gained nearly 20 pounds since starting my job in December.. my last paycheck was so small I could barely afford an ipod.. its a billion and a one degrees here.. gas is expensive and ummmmmm theres hardly any communication with my family and I.. so I did something to mark this occasion.

Betcha didn't see this one comin' eh?

deeeerrr?

Heeeeeeeeeeeeeereeeeees JESSIE!

woohoo look at that arm jiggle!

this is my tight 6 pack, hahaha

Sun, 09 Jul 2006 23:44:07 GMT

You know those movies where towards the middle/end, something happens to the main character, and they start whining "so everything in my past is a LIE"? And they actually seem pissed off about it?

That would NOT be me. Don't get me wrong, I've made peace with my past. I don't hold grudges against anyone, and I don't regret anything. But. Something just clicked in my mind.

I visited my old grade school while I was back home. All bad memories. Nothing really specific, just the general *ewojfsadjfejfasjf ugh* feeling. I absolutely HATED school, the teachers were stupid (they really were) and my classmates were all assholes.

But. What if they really WEREN'T assholes? What if everything they did wasn't because they viewed me as a joke, but geniune? I was picked on a LOT. As a kid, I had long brown hair, dark (tan) skin and a VERY squeaky voice. Plus I was painfully shy, so I was a easy target. I always, always, ALWAYS felt like a joke. Certain things did happen that would confirm that, but what if not everything they did was that way?

I remember coming in (late) to class one day, and they voted me some kind of class-presidency kind of thing. The board something rather? I dunno. My initial reaction was WTF? Are they kidding? I went to one meeting and that was it. Why did they do that, to make me feel stupid or to try to help me? They obviously knew somethin wasn't right with me. So maybe there were really good intentions there.

Funny how you spend your entire life thinking something, and in a flash.. it changes everything. Well it changes nothing really.. haha.. but maybe my school days weren't so awful after all. It might have been me hating me and everyone else.

Thu, 06 Jul 2006 21:17:56 GMT

Soooo.

Whatcha thinkin' about today?

Wed, 05 Jul 2006 07:56:10 GMT

All I want in life is to live in a van down by the river with a camera.. is that too much to ask?

Gee mom I don't wanna go hooooommmmmeeee

Sun, 02 Jul 2006 14:39:11 GMT

I'm feeling something I haven't felt in a VERY long time. A human being with actual feelings and emotions. I drove up to my old house and started BALLING just glancing at it. It's been four years, and it hasn't really sunk in that the house I grew up in isn't mine anymore. Some stinky twat lives in it now. And she hasn't changed it much, which is good. (Little miss threaten to sue over leaking windows that she KNEW were 30 years old, and having the balls to quote Gahndi in an email)

I love the ocean. The smell is gross still but it's incredible. I took a long walk in the sand yesterday, it was overcast and cold but it was still amazing.

My old school is literaly down the street from me, I "broke in" and walked around. Its strange how everything looks so different yet the same. Probably today I'll "break in" to my old High School and look around.

I heard more stories about the weird shit I did as a kid. My wannabe mom told me how when I was in the 7-age range, I came in one day and started to "play" hit her now ex husband. Then I got serious and hit him harder and harder, not playing anymore. Eventually I wore myself out and he gave me a hug. Holy hell. And that was an age I thought I was "ok".

I've been talking to her a LOT about how I grew up, my mom being an alcoholic. She really had no idea. She thought it was more my dad. (Chances are my mom told her more about him than herself). But its amazing how I can talk to her about this stuff, not holding back and not feeling sorry for myself, angry, or crying. I did tear up a little when she told me about the hitting thing, but its been mostly talking. Its amazing being around someone who isn't completely shut off from life and enjoys my company with no expectations. Although she does want to spend the entire day with me, I don't mind at all.

We saw an Inconvient Truth yesterday. Al Gore is my hero for making this movie. If we don't do something as a nation (I say nation because mostly everyone else is already doing something) I'm just gonna have to go off myself soon. haha, jk. But seriously, it basically boils down to denial and money are more important than saving future generations from drowning or boiling to death. (Africa was something like 122 degrees last year, and God knows its getting that hot in Bakersfield)

I haven't offically worked out in days, I'm eating things I "shouldn't", and I'm having the greatest time EVER! I love breaking my own rules.

I'm going to be taking tons of pictures, so get ready all :D

Sat, 01 Jul 2006 20:55:58 GMT

Ohhh myyy deeeeaaaarrr looooorddd ive forgotten how effin beautiful it is here. I'm in heaven. Srsly, I can't believe this place was my own version of hell.

I'm visiting my surrogant mother, my old sitter for a big chunk of my childhood, she's a total buddhist hippie like I am. I was always jealous of my 'friend' (her daughter) cuz I wanted to be her daughter. Sigh. Oh well. I also visited my very favorite teacher EVER, and she immediately recognized me and knew my name. I haven't seen her in about 15 years. It's amazing. The things they tell me about the kid I was is very sad :(

Oh well. I'm gonna go make most of my time, go see the ocean and enjoy myself. NO WORK TILL WED MORNING BABY!! woo woo!

Fri, 30 Jun 2006 14:38:15 GMT

On the road again, just cant wait to get on the road again

Woooo

Wed, 28 Jun 2006 16:31:26 GMT

I was just at the gym, and I couldnt do a third of my normal workout and I ended up having a crying fit in my car. WTF? I'm so bipolar.

Oh but I did get a new keyboard.
abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz!!

Wed, 28 Jun 2006 12:26:13 GMT

I am very happy to report that

Go recovery.. go recovery.. its your birthday.. (well it will be in july)

Characteristics of adult children of alcoholics

1. Adult children of alcoholics guess at what normal behavior is.

2. Adult children of alcoholics have difficulty following a project through from beginning to end.

3. Adult children of alcoholics lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth.

4. Adult children of alcoholics judge themselves without mercy.

5. Adult children of alcoholics have difficulty having fun.

6. Adult children of alcoholics take themselves very seriously.

7. Adult children of alcoholics have difficulty with intimate relationships.

8. Adult children of alcoholics overreact to changes over which they have no control.

9. Adult children of alcoholics constantly seek approval and affirmation.

10. Adult children of alcoholics usually feel that they are different from other people.

11. Adult children of alcoholics are super responsible or super irresponsible.

12. Adult children of alcoholics are extremely loyal, even in the face of evidence that the loyalty is undeserved.

13. Adult children of alcoholics are impulsive. They tend to lock themselves into a course of action without giving serious consideration to alternative behaviors or possible consequences. This impulsively leads to confusion, self-loathing and loss of control over their environment. In addition, they spend an excessive amount of energy cleaning up the mess.