Sacrificing my day...

Does EVERY dream I have need to shatter at the same time?  Yay and happy birthday to me!  What a gift!!!  Is there even ONE thing left worth living for other than my son?

Sorry, hate to be emo, but it has to come out somewhere, and I can't afford a therapist.

Which Historical Lunatic Are You?
From the fecund loins of Rum and Monkey.

Jesus God and the Holy Angels.  I have some freedom.  Not alot mind you, but some.  When it rains it pours.  Here's to working 100+ hours a week at 2 full time jobs plus being responsible for carting your ex-wife and child around everywhere they need to go.  I don't remember the last time I slept longer than about 3 hours without at least an interuption, and I don't really remember the last time I slept for more than 4 hours in any one stretch.  Oh, I know it's happened.  I just don't remember it. 

But last night, we put a good spin on a huge project that we'd been working on at one of my jobs which gave me at least a day off.  I told that boss to eat it, as I was taking not only today but the whole weekend.  And then I get a phone call from chele.  A friend from work let her borrow her car for a week.  And chele has been looking for a new car as well, so hopefully this weekend she'll get one.  What will I do with myself?  To actually have a full weekend where I don't have to go anywhere or do anything.  No responsibilities.  OH MY GOD!  I JUST REALIZED!  NO ALARMS SET!  Holy shit!  No alarms waking me up to tell me I'm running late for yet something else.  I think my mind is shutting down.

So many friends neglected, so much time spent in the pursuit of being an adult and making money I never see anyhow.  Maybe this is the part of me that kept me from growing up for so long, and maybe it's the part that will be my downfall again, but if I didn't understand the need to be responsible, I wouldn't see the point at all.  It's just another version of misery if you think about it or let it get to you.  Of course, that's not really my take on it.  I'm finding ways to enjoy my new found obsessions, and new found excess of moneys.  And wow.  There is something to be said about making nearly ...  well..  more than double the median US income for males.  It's just sad that I have to work 2 full time jobs to do it.  And eventually that will go away, I can't work both forever.  Both jobs are telecommute.  They -can- overlap (reducing my actual hours worked) as long as they don't interfere with each other.  Lately they have both been busy as shit though.  But between the 2, I honestly enjoy my stead midnight to 8am role more.  I work with friends, and so far, all the normal obstacles seem non-existent.  My co-workers are angsty and have pissy attitudes at times like most, but seem to have no problem humbling themselves and remembering that they were new to the position at one point as well.  I am transitioning in well I think.  Especially this week.  The other job, the one that's more flexible on the hours but more needy is not as good a job, doesn't pay as well (really close, but not as well right now) and doesn't feel as rich, but I really like the boss.  I feel a genuine bond with him, and he's treated me very well in.  He is just in a position where he requires more out of me than I have to offer.  Not his fault really, nor is it mine, so we were both dealt our cards and make the best of our hand each day.  And he's never once failed to express appreciation for the job I do.  Money has always been an issue, but he's always ready to help out as well.  The bottom line though, is that I have already made a decision who I will be staying with in the long haul, so unless there's HUGE money to change that, oh well I guess.  It IS nice to know though that I have options.  The only other thing that might make a difference is, when it comes time to move to Cozumel, who will continue to let me telecommute from there.  But I think the need to split off will come long before then.

Anyhow, on to my health.  I've been generally very healthy.  I started a juice diet almost 6 days ago.  It was supposed to be a complete fast from all solid foods, but in the last 6 days I have had 1 cocktail weenie(monday), 1 hamburger, 4 french fries (4 fries, not servings of fries)(monday), 2 tablespoons of peanut butter(wednesday), a jumbo hot dog with no bun(thursday night), 1 apple and 3/4 of a banana (yesterday(thursday), I got my juicer and was juicing my fruits and veggies for the meal, and couldn't resist.  Hey, it was healthy).  I don't know which I would feel is more of a victory.  Not eating anything at all, or being able to do what I've done, and not go back to eating regular the moment I eat something.  I think I like knowing that I can have a bite of something without going full bore.  And I can feel the lost weight.  Granted, most of it was water weight.  But I think I'm doing really well right now, and I only hope I can continue down this path.  I'm not feeling fatigued or sickly at all.  Hunger pains have kind of gone away.  The biggest fight is the food addiction.  Not the requirement.  The addiction.  The desire to have that new hawaiian burger I found, or to just sneak a little of that bad for you chinese american food.  Maybe grab "just one" candy bar at the grocery store.  To steal some of that spaghetti from the fridge that the roommates made last night.  And the hardest part of all, and this is where I failed with the burger (granted, I still feel it was a victory as I only ate 1/4 of the burger there, and kept eating it in 1/4ths all day)...  SOCIAL EATING.  Going out to grab lunch with someone, or dinner.  Not being able to order anything.  But I have done that.  Twice now.  "Just the water, thanks!"  God I hate those words!  I really really do.  I have a relationship with food, I always have.  But I think it's more for that reason than the weight that I am doing things this way.  To break the food addiction.  To know that I can master this.  And if I lose weight at the same time, and I get godly again, and all the womenz want me, then hey, who am I to complain?  Oh..  that divorced guy that's not really into the idea of relationships anymore...

Which brings me to my social life.  I have decided that I don't need to be 'seeing' anyone.  I have my ex-wife whom I am very good friends with now.  I have my best female friend, whom I love to the ends of the earth, and I know she loves me.  We couldn't date.  We never will, but I know we love each other.  I think that should make sense to most of you.  I have my dog for companionship.  She's awesome.  The only thing that this paradigm, this situation doesn't offer is certain social physical gratification.  But I never seem to have trouble finding that when I need it anyhow. The last time I tried that "girlfriend" thing, my ex-wife and the idea of my best friend got in the way of that, not to mention all the hours I work, and I'm sorry.  Until I am ready to marry you, you do NOT come before my career.

So that's my life update in a bundle.  Wow.  I actually had time to finish it without interruptions.  What a weird feeling.

You know, Music has always meant alot to me. Lately, country music has found a great deal of meaning in my heart. I've often tried explaining why, but I don't I could say it nearly as well as Jeff Foxworthy. This is from an article written about his speech at the CMT Awards 2007.

Jeff Foxworthy's Passionate, Show-Stopping Speech at the CMT Awards
Media Village | 4/19/07 | Ed Martin

Jeff Foxworthy's Passionate, Show-Stopping Speech at the CMT Awards

Nashville, TN -- The CMT Music Awards have a grand history of show-stopping performances, all of them rendered by such country music superstars as Kenny Chesney, Keith Urban, Gretchen Wilson and Big & Rich, to name only a few.

But it was host Jeff Foxworthy who stopped the show this year, when the generally genial comedian delivered a powerful, heartfelt and somewhat angry speech just before introducing the last song of the night, the haunting Anyway by Martina McBride.

Foxworthy had during his previous two gigs as host of CMT's annual awards presentation appeared in memorably funny musical performances. At the start of the 2005 show he was seen suspended above the stage with Billy Currington, the two of them whirling about in a spoof of the video for Shania Twain's Party for Two, in which Twain and Currington similarly twirl. Last April he opened the show dancing with Lisa Rinna, a competitor at the time on ABC's Dancing with the Stars.

But this year, Foxworthy's opener was a simple pre-taped sketch inspired by his gig as host of Fox' midseason hit Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader? featuring country singer and Nashville Star judge Blake Shelton playing opposite kids pretending to be Kenny Chesney, Willie Nelson and other country stars. It was a charming but low-key bit that left some of us wondering if this edition of the CMT Awards would pass without a Foxworthy Moment that people would be talking about for weeks to come.

And then, with only minutes to spare, Foxworthy came through in a way nobody could have predicted. He delivered a quiet, compassionate, deadly serious commentary that was ostensibly about country music and its fans, but spoke to, about and against so much more, expressing points of view not commonly heard in entertainment programming on major television networks.

The audience didn't know how to react at first, but quickly began cheering Foxworthy along as made his points. After musing for a moment about all of the country music award shows he has hosted (including some not on CMT), Foxworthy said that as he prepared for this particular gig he began contemplating his interest in the genre. He then said the following, to periodic cheers and applause from the audience at the Curb Event Center at Belmont University:

"I started thinking about why I like country music and doing this show so much, and here's what I came up with, y'all.

I like country music because it's about the things in life that really matter. It ain't about braggin' about how you're gonna mess somebody up, or how somebody ain't respectin' ya. It's about love, family, friends -- with a few beers, a cheap woman and a two-timin' man thrown in for spice. It doesn't take political sides, even with things as ugly as war. Instead, it celebrates the brave men and women who go to fight 'em, the price they pay to do it and the longin' we have for them to return home to the ones that they love.

It's about kids and how there ain't nothin' like 'em. I get tired of hearin' about how bad kids are today, because there are a lot of great kids out there that just need somebody to love 'em and believe in 'em. Country folks love their kids and they will jack you up if you try to mess with 'em!

People in country music don't forget the people that allow them to do what they do for a livin'. They sign autographs and they take pictures with the fans because they know without 'em most of us entertainers would be gettin' a lot dirtier in the course of our workday. We are thankful that people want to hear the songs and the jokes that we write. Country music doesn't have to be politically correct. We sing about God because we believe in Him. We are not trying to offend anybody, but the evidence that we have seen of Him in our small little lives trumps your opinion about whether or not He exists.

We love country music because it touches us where we live. It's about mommas, and when they were hot, and when they are unappreciated, and when they were dyin'. It's about daddies and the difficulties they have sometimes at tellin' the people that they work so hard to protect and provide for how they feel about 'em.

Country music is about new love and it's about old love. It's about gettin' drunk and gettin' sober. It's about leavin' and it's about comin' home. It's real music sung by real people for real people, the people that make up the backbone of this country. You can call us rednecks if you want. We're not offended, 'cause we know what we're all about. We get up and go to work, we get up and go to church, and we get up and go to war when necessary.

"All we ask for is a few songs to carry us along the way, and that's why I love this show, because it ain't some self-important Hollywood hype with the winners determined by somebody else. On this show, you decide who goes home with a trophy and you get to dance and sing along with the people that bring you the songs of your life."

What was behind Foxworthy's need to express these sentiments? In the pressroom after the show, he said he wrote it after thinking about why he likes to host the CMT Awards as much as he does. After completing it, he told us, the first person he took it to was his wife.

"I read it to her and she goes, 'I love it but they're never going to let you say it. You're supposed to be funny and it's pretty serious'," Foxworthy recalled. "When I showed up [at CMT] and we were talking about [the end of the show] -- usually at the end they have a big number, like Big & Rich, some kind of party song -- they were sayin', 'We've got kind of a serious song at the end with Martina singin' Anyway, how do you think we should tee it up?' I said, 'Well it's weird you say that. I have somethin' in my bag that I wrote five weeks ago that my wife said you wouldn't let me say.' I let them read it and they were like, 'Yeah, we love it, say it."

"The comic people don't ever expect you to be serious about somethin', but I have a serious side," Foxworthy concluded. "I have a real serious side."

No argument there.

Okay, so I don't post often enough, I always say that, but I have alot of things going on in life right now that I think I can update people on, so here goes. I think we'll divide things up into a few groups: Work; Home; Social and Love.

Work is improving. On every end. Kyle is starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel I think(?), and I have an offer on the table I'm accepting to relieve some of the strain on both Kyle and myself. It will be a slight inconvenience to him, but I think it will be for the best for everyone. I'll still help him out, and make sure everything is in order. I just can't continue to make myself so available to him. And with the change, not only will the income improve, the benefits are better, I get dental, and I still work from home. Hell, the "less stress" part alone is enough to help me sleep better at night.

Home is better. The kitchen is staying more clean, which will be important as I transition back to being at home more. If I can't cook lunch because the kitchen is always trashed, I'm done. There's alot less tension here. Maybe because I am gone so much, who knows? I am getting a dog. She's 1/4 rott, 1/4 samoid, 1/4 malamute and 1/4 st. bernard. What a mix. She's adorable though, and what better time in my life to get a puppy? When I can be at home to train her right. Gonna be SO nice. :)

Social is good. I get Robynn back as a friend! I went to Merlin's Rest, it's a cool place and aside from Robynn, I got to see another friend I don't get to see often. That was really nice. We didn't talk much. I never have much to say when she's around. I just like that she's there. Maybe it's just that I like to flirt. Who knows. Bedlam is playing there Tuesdays. I think it will have to become a regular thing again. Did I mention that I can actually be around Robynn again and not have someone freak out?!? I may now actually have money to do things for once, and I am REALLY hoping now that I will have money that I can start dieting right. I wont have the usual attractions, especially if I'm not at chele's all the time. No out to eat with spam every day. No big dinners with chele. Just well proportioned healthy meals. And maybe a juice diet for a while. Weight loss is the goal. I think I can do it!

Love is something else. I have someone I'm close to. She's close to me. Things are nice, but our time together seems so limited, and we don't see eye to eye on everything. That's to be expected, but it seems like they are pretty big things to her, and of course, work getting in the way is a tough one. But it's my career, and nothing is ever going to come before my career ever again. You can't build a good life without a good foundation. My career is the keystone to that foundation. So we'll see where that goes. Chele and I seem to be in an interesting place as well. There's no romance, no physical intimacy. We're just really good friends, but there is something. A social intimacy I guess. We both know where we stand, and certain things that used to be issues or problems for us don't seem to be anymore. I couldn't ask for a better relationship with her. Which helps with raising me son. We are united as parents with him. He's a good boy.

Anyhow, that's all for now. Take care, and like my step dad's uncle sneaky always says... "Don't let your meat loaf!".

Ever had one of those days? My three have just come to an end. Yeah.. so.. people are nuts. Nuts are nuts. Life is nuts. I shudder to think that some people see a part of the big picture behind everything and want to pretend they are fully capable of understanding it. Then there's me. Where do I fit in? I'd -like- to think my grasp of everything is so much more clear than most other people's. But how does one person know who's take on things is right or wrong? Especially when using themselves as a relative point of measure. Is there something in the egotistical declaration of superiority? Perhaps it's the moral acceptance that each person has his or her own version of the big picture. Maybe it's just enough that as long as one person's reality doesn't cause harm to someone else's, there's no reason the two should conflict.

But really, isn't it scary when you see people you know get into debates about the meaning of life, the nature of the universe, the power of the supernatural and they are only seeing what you determine are scarey snippets? Like religious zealots who only have room for their God, and anyone else who doesn't believe needs to be forcefully shown the way?* Or the people who want so strongly to have meaning in the chaos of their lives that they grasp at the tendrils of smoke like they were lifelines made of steel cable anchored to the shore. Clinging to hope, not properly as the lifejacket that will carry them to shore where they can get square footing, but as though it were the vessel designed to give them their freedom all on it's own...

Sadly, life is a sea of chaos, governed by demos kratos, stregth of the people. Each person exhibits an influence upon the fabric that weaves itself into what we call life. Each moment of indecision as well as each moment of concise decision. Every action countered by a moment of inaction. We set the stage for our own successes and failures, and it starts with decisions we made long long ago. The decision you make today will affect the rest of your life. Every choice, every human being is like a water droplet in a sea of molecular activity. Each droplet sends out ripples that extend the breadth of existence, and these ripples clash and collide and cause more chaos, but at the center of it all, the only thing you will find is you. It makes me wonder... Most religions state that "God" is in all of us, or in everything, to some extent. Catholicism, christianity as a whole, the christian bible says, “…God is with thee in all that thou doest…” (Genesis 21:22), “…God is in all things that we call upon him for…” (Deuteronomy 4:7) and "…For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them…" (Matthew 18:20). Perhaps, each of us IS God. I mean no disrespect. It's just a thought. And I still believe in the traditional concept of "God" or some variant thereof. Of course I am going to hell for this. But really, there is more to it all then we know. The science of faith is a tricky business. The faith in science, even moreso. Yet, here we are. Quantum theory changing all that we know about our universe, lending itself to the concept that maybe there really is a rational explaination to all the magic.



* This type of person is the type that scares me: "Many things in life can be an illusion, but one thing is for sure - ten out of ten people die. It's sad but true. No matter what you do, you will die. This is because you have sinned against God. Let's see if that's true: Have you ever lied (even once)? Ever stolen (anything)? Jesus said, "Whoever looks upon a woman to lust after her has committed adultery already with her in his heart." Everlooked with lust? If you have said "Yes" to these three questions, by your own admission, you are a lying, thieving, adulterer at heart; and we've only looked at three of the Ten Commandments. How will you do on Judgment Day? Will you be innocent or guilty?"

I am going to just start rambling here, and as I don't post often, I have no idea how this will turn out, but here it is anyhow. So, sitting here after an outstanding date last night, I'm rather..... content. Happy. Maybe ecstatic. I have been 'dating' (as in, by definition, "going on dates with", not "In a relationship with") this rather attractive asian woman. We met about a month ago, and hit it off right away. We've been very happy together when we've seen each other. We compliment each other quite well. We have common interests, and she's incredibly upbeat. She's so passionate about living life, and experiencing things. She seems to see the silver lining in the grey clouds instead of assuming the grey clouds are really black. And that's not the only place we're compatible. So far so good. Oh, and the best part is.. she's beautiful! :) She's a non-smoker, not a heavy/regular/out of control drinker and something of a "workaholic". Meaning she has a day job, and then a second job that she's not married to, but is there just to keep her busy and give her some extra cash. At least, this is how she tells the tale. :)

Looking forward to (hopefully) seeing her again this Friday. Then I'm stoked about seeing Robynn (and Dave, assuming things are resolved) on Saturday. Yeah.. It's gonna be a freakin great weekend!!! Then, maybe, just maybe I'll go to the dubliner on Sunday or something. Dunno what Leah's schedule is like, and while it would be nice to see her, I don't think it's a good idea to on Sunday. I'll have seen her last Friday, Tuesday, this Friday, then Sunday again? Considering (I'm pretty sure) she's seen me every day she's not worked her second job, I think she might like to spend a day/night with her daughter if not to just have some time to herself. We shall see. Whatever happens works for me I guess.

Yeah.. I'm pretty happy right now. :)

So, we had our date on Tuesday. It's funny, having seen her several times now, it was our first "Official Date"(tm). It was awesome of course! We went to Macaroni Grill. I looked like ass of course, Heh. She looked amazing. She had on a black and white dress. It was beautiful! I drew her some flowers instead of bringing some. I thought about buying her flowers, but any old schmuck can buy flowers, how many people can draw them? Afterwards, we spent some time together, and it was nice. We did alot of... I guess, snuggling? It was very sweet. We stayed longer than I think either one of us planned. But I'm glad we did. I learned alot about her. The kind of things that are more than just "I like this kind of food" and "My favorite color is sdlfsdadf". It was very flattering having her confide in me. Not the way most people do. People seem to know I'm a good ear, so it's not uncommon to have people I don't even know telling me their life story. But this was different. Maye it just seems different, I don't know. Either way, I think all that I want to say is already pretty obvious.

Yep.

Anyhow, goodnight.

The last 48 hours have been... more than I ever wanted them to be. And I don't say that with any level of... appreciation. It's 4:30am Monday morning and I've lost the last 2 days of my life. I've undergone things that are incomprehensible to me. I've been losing sleep more and more every day over the last few weeks. I'd decided to focus on things that didn't deserve tremendous focus, or at least not the way I thought they would. I threw a party Saturday night. It was labeled one of my "BillyBashes". In the past, no matter what, these have always been raving successes. This one was.. not what I expected.

Let's start at the beginning. 2 weeks prior to the party, my roommate and I began getting ready for this event. I was working, trying to be very focused on work. Dedicated to my job, and also to trying to make sure things went smoothly at home. Getting into a groove with new roommates is difficult on it's own, then add the stress of trying to agree on how things should be arranged or set up with people you are renting with, versus with people who are renting from you. The relationship changes, you are not the king of the castle and there must be comprimise. In this respect, we were brought together as a team and as a household more than anything else, but not without taking it's toll. Exhaustion. Getting roughly 28 hours of sleep in 2 weeks is not enough, and that's about what I had been getting. I think there was a day or two I crashed hard along the way, but not enough. Stress leads to depression, and depression leads to more stress. That's where I am right now. Friday and Saturday were miserable. Friday, I was supposed to go to Poptix' birthday outing and was too busy to make it. Saturday, I was supposed to get up, make some phone calls, and go to Jess' to try some of her chili and bring her over to my place. Neither happened.

Friday ran into saturday morning, and around 5:30am Jess and I started talking, and she called. I didn't get off the phone untill 7:30. This is not a problem, the problem was that I was dead tired and needed to sleep at that point but didn't. Instead, I finished some stuff up, and got to bed around 9:30am. The party was set to start at 7pm. I woke up at about 5:30pm to dorf and skittles being at my house. I did not wake up at noon as I had planned. Neither did I wake up at 1, or 2, or even 3pm. I awoke too late. Dorf informed me they had gotten overnight babysitting and planned on staying the night, so I needed to call Jess and let her know. I dialed her number, her phone went straight to VM, and I did not leave a msg as I had planned on calling back to let her know personally, and to try to head down real quick to try her chili and spend a short while with her anyhow. After all, noone other than Dorf was going to show up till around 9:30 anyhow. Well, without going into all the details, before I knew it, it was far later than I had thought and I had not called Jess back. I was scuttling trying to keep up with things and had a headache. I was having a hard enough time managing myself.

The evening took on a strange roll. While on the surface things seemed calm, there was alot more going on than I would have hoped. ALOT of people I expected didn't show up. It's funny, new friends were there. Old friends, people I would have counted on in the past, just didn't seem to be interested in showing up. Some of these people have really and truly disappointed me. The night was hard to hold onto. I'm very proud of many of my friends that did show up. I'm glad that there were not any problems. But the energy level was not there. There was a darkness this time around that seemed to loom over the place. Maybe it was just my state of mind. I had great moments, but at the same time, I had expectations that had not been met. I don't want to imply the party was no good. I think that decision is to each his own. Some people I know had a better time than others.

I think there was a whole lot of let down Saturday night. Not only did I feel as though I had disappointed certain people... KNEW I disappointed certain people, I was also disappointed by others.

Look, I don't want to say Saturday was horrible, but it wasn't great. That's all. It had it's good moments, but overall, it kind of sucked. Lack of sleep + disappointment will come to that. Ultimately I went to bed around 8am Sunday morning, and slept till about 5. Woke up for a few hours, and went back to bed.

Something is going on in my life. Something has gone wrong. Things have gotten out of control and I have to wrestle control back. It's in me to do it. I just have to develop the will power to make the changes necessary. We'll see how things go in the coming weeks. The upshot of all this... because there is always a silver lining if you look for it, is that the house is in great shape, and things between my roommates and I are very good right now. I suppose now would be a good time to start making some of those changes by going to bed. I have calls to make and work to do tomorrow... or.. Later today that is.

It's interesting what you are dealt sometimes. And like a game of cards, I think it's important to remember that even though this hand may look like shit, not only can you turn it around, but you will also get dealt a new hand when this one is done. I had a new hand dealt to me this week. And it's looking good, but I still have to play the hand right to get what I want. We shall see.

I feel a bit like Sylvester McCoy, the Seventh Doctor, from the fabled series "Doctor Who". In all fairness, there was something dark about him.. He was the first of the Doctors to have a dark personality, and to this day, strikes me as somewhat unnerving. Anyhow, the point being, there was this dark introspection. And that's where I'm at right now. Spiralling downward. I'm out of control. I need to find my way out because I know the place is not good, and yet the chasm is deep and the climb a long and arduous one. I recently posted this:

Saturday, August 05, 2006

done... falling away. I am done.  Falling away.  The last few weeks have been so intense, andhere I am again, looking back upon myself, alone, shattered andscared.  I stand and scream so loudly that I do the things I do fo rme.  That I continue to invest my heart because living life withoutlove isn't worth living at all, and then there I was.  Both feethanging over the precipice and I was off balance, but I had faith.  Ihad sight.  I could clearly see everything, and then I realized that itwas because I was not seeing with my eyes at all, I was seeing with myheart, and my heart is as blind as anyones.  This time however, it ledme straight off the edge of that cliff.  The sense of euphoria andclarity I had was nothing more than the adrenalin and endorphinskicking in from the shock of having fallen and having broke everythingimportant to your survival.  The question was...  did I want to fightto get back up?  But I think not.  Not this time...  I'm tired, andbroken, and I've lost the desire to get up this time.  Even if I wereto mend, the scars would be too deep and massive.  My ability to feel,gone!  I am alone.  The dark of this chasm is my place.  It just amazesme that someone with as much passion as I had, as much light as I hadto give has been extinguished.

I haven't really left there yet. I've wanted to. But I haven't. In fact, I've seen dark changes in my heart and I fear they will reach my soul. I cannot let this happen. It's like this split personality. One part of me just wants to let go while the other wants to hold on so tightly. Yep, I know things need to change, I just don't know how. That's not true either. I've let my faith slide, and that's what it is. I just have to find my faith again. I used to feel guilty when I'd realize that I had lost my way, but I don't think it's that way. I think it's a given. We're going to lose our way. At any rate... Welcome to my hell. And I -would- let go, were I capable, but as much as I want to let go.. as much as I want to grow cold, and hate.. as much as it sounds easy, it's not. Or it never used to be. But as I've said, I find myself getting more and more mean all the time. Oh my god.. one of those bitter people who hate everything. No.. Not that, anything but that... Maybe I'll just turn all that into... Something else.

So I was wondering.. Are blog posts just emo by nature? I mean, I never find myself wanting to, or having the time to blog when I'm not all depressed or amped with something important to say... I think it is. For me anyhow, why write anything if it's not worth saying, and I suppose I want to blog the bad times because it's easy to remember the happiness for me, but it's harder to remember how bad it can be. I don't know that that makes sense, but it does. We always think it's so horrible, but with a written record, I can look back and remind myself how much worse off I was then.

"A man only sees want he wants to see
When he's in his mind
Where he is that he wants to be
Living in a world where he's safe from reality
Won't you take a chance on this night
And follow me
Won't you follow me"

"So after all these one night stands
You've ended up with heart in hand
A child alone
On your own
Retreating
Regretful for the things you're not
And all dreams you haven't got
Without a home
A heart of stone
Lies bleeding
And for all the roads you followed
And for all you did not find
And for all the things you had to leave behind

I am the way
I am the light
I am the dark inside the night
I hear your hopes
I feel your dreams
And in the dark
I hear your screams
Don't turn away
Just take my hand
And when you make your final stand
I'll be right there
I'll never leave
All I ask of you
Believe
Your childhood eyes were so intense
While bartering your innocence
For bits of string
Grown-up wings
You needed

But when you had to add them up
You found that they were not enough
To get you in
Pay for sins repeated

And for all the years you borrowed
And for all the tears you cried
And for all the fears you had to keep inside

I am the way I am the light I am the dark inside the night I hear your
hopes I feel your dreams And in the dark I hear your screams

Don't turn away
Just take my hand
And when you make your final stand
I'll be right there
I'll never leave
And all I ask of you is
Believe

I never wanted to know
Never wanted to see
I wasted my time
Till time wasted me
Never wanted to go
Always wanted to stay
'Cause the person I am
Are the parts that I play
So I plot and I plan
Hope and I scheme
To the lure of a night
Filled with unfinished dreams
And I'm holding on tight
To a world gone astray
As they charge me for years
I can't pay

I am the way
I am the light
I am the dark inside the night
I hear your hopes
I feel your dreams
And in the dark
I hear your screams Don't turn away
Just take my hand
And when you make your final stand
I'll be right there
I'll never leave
And all I ask of you is
Believe

Believe"

"He was standing all alone
Trying to find the words to say
When every prayer he ever prayed was gone
And the dreams he's never owned
Are still safely tucked away
Until tomorrow he just carries on
Carries on
Carries on
Carries on"

It's funny how much life imitates art. It's funny how I was walking around with optimism 6 months ago. It's funny how life is a funny little opera of tragedies. A symphony of... all the little things we call experience. For some life is little more than a game. For others, it's so intensely complex. What makes a person? Is it that a person is born into existence, path intact, no deviation? That every action is predetermined? Or are we put here in some test of controlled chaos? Your destiny is prepared for you and you are pointed in the right direction, but the path you choose is your own? Or is it competely chaotic? Who knows, but there are things I lack. I am Jack's self-esteem. I will undermine all good things and break Jack down into a depressed and deflated state of surrender. Utter and complete defeat. I am Jack's passion. Lost in a dream, I provide no motivation for Jack to follow through in life. I am Jack's darkness, ready to consume him and take his place at the dinner table.

Have you ever noticed that a flame requires fuel to live. It burns to provide warmth, light, and safety. But a flame can be hard to control. Just a bit too much fuel, and it will expand, burning everything in it's path. Possibly even burning itself out, and either way, when the fuel is gone, the flame dies. That warmth fades and the light dies away. It is consumeded by the darkness. Or is it just replaced? either way, what is left is nothing but empty cold.

Where is the middle struck? When will I truly learn from my mistakes and the mistakes those before me have made? I do not know. I wish to post here more. I wish to be brave, and smart... I wish I could have the last of the little things I've asked for answered, and most of all, I hope to re-establish my faith, because without it, life falls apart. There is no substitute for faith. With faith, all things can be achieved! As the saying goes, "A journey of a thousand miles, begins with but a single footstep!"

from my MDA.

Deeply troubled.

The endless screaming in my head.

The constant sound of drowning in my ears.

The depth of betrayal in my heart.

 

The beginning of the end, or the end of the beginning.

My wheels spinning.

This is the end of the line.

Not one more time.

 

The strength in me wanes

No blood left to flow through these veins.

Your need has sucked me dry

I don’t have the energy left to cry.

 

Ashes and dust

Are all that remain

Lies and mistrust

A passion for pain.

 

For pain…

For pain…

For pain…

Now that I've come to see
That it was you, not me
All these lies believed
Although it never occurred to me
that you'd come undone
You thought I'd lost and you'd won
Your bridges burned, you're shunned
And now it's time to pay. . .
Only One thing left to say
And be it as it may
Can't WAIT for judgement day
My life was given back to me
How does it feel?
You look at me, you kneel!
I don't need anyone
To tell me it's real.
Fuck you don't tell me
I can see he's a better man than me
What you want.
What you need.
It's not the same, I tried.
I never questioned why.
I always felt that I
Had done the best I could for you.
But now without me
Albeit painfully
I guess that you can't seem
To get this clearly
Fuck you don't tell me
I can see he's a better man than me.
What you want.
What you need.
Fuck you don't tell me.

So, here’s my deal.  I recently posted about an ebb and flow.  True enough.  In that post, I also pointed out that I wished at least 1 person was equally interested in me, as I was her.  I stated that I felt certain friends had forgotten about me.  How I want to camp.  How I wasn’t so excited about ‘fest this year.  Well...  things change.

I think this is a perfect example of how patience is a virtue, and how life may happen.  Sure, like a river, there may be obstacles, but a river has persistence.  A river has determination.  Sometimes it slows freely, sometimes its pace becomes quickened and others it becomes slowed by a blockage of the path.  But always, the river persists, never giving up!

Today, I am uniquely aware that the people I care the most for, care for me. In one case, it may simply be a friendship so deep, it’s soul binding.  The other is something newer.  Something more exciting and far, far more terrifying.  But she cares for me.  She has opened up.  We communicate like I have never been able to communicate with anyone before, and while we’re not attached at the hip, we don’t need to be.  Besides, a thousand miles can be a very wide gap for anyone.  We are great friends, and there’s enormous hope for more...  based on personality that is.  We just need to see what kind of sparks, if any, there are in person.  I’m awesome.  How could there not be sparks?  I feel good about this.  I also have people that I care very much for at home here..  one in particular, and though we are not dating...  though we could probably never date, I don't mind, because there is a very deep satisfaction in caring for her selflessly.  Knowing that my love for her is so true that I don't need her to love me in return.  Although, it helps that I do know she loves me.

I also found renewed vigor with regard to ‘fest as well.  This weekend was very productive.  I just need to manage some follow through before it gets to be too late. At least on the fest front.  Obviously I have found my gusto to make everything else start falling back into line!

So...  BOOYA motherfuckers!  Enjoy.  For those of you in the know, I love you.  For those of you not in the know that should be, I love you.  The rest of you can all bite me!

'Through counter-intelligence it should be possible to pinpoint potential trouble-makers...And neutralize them, neutralize them, neutralize them'

I'm facing the grim reality that as much control as we would like to have over our lives, we are in a constant ebb and flow.  Things change, and sometimes they grow, others they wither.  It honestly pains me when I see a glimmer of hope, and that hope dies before the plant fruits.  There's so much pain that comes with being an  optimist, that sometimes I feel like a pessimist.

It's funny.  Lately, there's been alot of opportunities, but at the same time, there's been alot of disappointment.  So I'd like to say for the record that while I seem to be very emo, and I am very saddened by the lack of fruition that comes with these opportunities, I am grateful for the things I have in my life.  There is always an upside available to be found, and I have no problem finding the upside, I just wish I didn't have to search for it.

I wish the 1 or 2 women I am interested in, were also (equally) interested in me.  I wish work didn't roller-coaster so much, so that I have to look for a new job.  I wish I didn't have the financial troubles I have.  I wish alot of things.

At least I can also say, I'm glad that women at least seem interested in something.  I'm glad I have a job offer or two.  I'm glad that I at least HAVE money.  And good friends help.  Though, lately, it seems that certain friends have forgotten that I exist.  That happens, and it's a very two way thing.  I need to get over my pride and just make things go the way I want instead of hoping they will.  I wonder how long I will remain like this. 

The holiday weekend was nice, but not what I was looking forward to, and I honestly crave with all my heart, my camping weekend with the skark crew.  That is always probably the best time I have every year.  Sure 'fest is great, but 'fest goes on too long and always involves some drama, and carries with it responsibilities.  More this year than any other.  I'm not sure how I even feel about this year.  So much has changed, and I'm scared.  And angry that certain people had to behave and respond the way they did.

Back to the holiday weekend.  Just to inform those wondering.  I went to Maple Lake, a few miles NW of Sauk Center.  It was nice.  I went with my dad and my step-mom.  I've never really done 'outings' with my dad like that..  the way so many people have with their fathers, so it was nice.  We did alot of fishing.  It was good.  Funny how he's just becoming a father as I am now in my early 30's, but I wouldn't trade it for not having a father.

Randomness in my head.  I should get back to work.  Maybe I'll post more later!

<emo>In little more than a week, I think I can say that I've successfully watched everything I've been working towards for the last two years fall apart.  Laying at my feet in broken shards.  Social, career, romantic.  The msg I think being delivered here is that I'm only in this game as a support player.  Here to lift others up, but only when they need me.  Then, when I'm no longer needed, it's apparently entirely appropriate to forget that I have feelings and set me aside.  And, you know..  it would be completely lame if this were pointed towards one thing, or person in particular, but it's not.  It's no single person.  It's not just my job, it's not just certain friends, or people I care for..  it's everything. 

God, I know I'm not a perfect person, but shit...  Where am I dropping the ball?  The only way this could be is by my own doing.  Is it that I continue to just give and give and the person who comes last in my life is me so I suffer?  Is it because I want for things too much?  To hard?  Are my hopes too high?  Am I too intense?  Or is it that I just don't understand the inside of other people's heads enough?

And since the part of all this that is making more emotional than angry are the friendship/romantic issues, let's take a look at that.  Why can't people just be more honest?  Starting with themselves, and then with me.  I mean..  it's natural to make mistakes.  To tell a person you are going to call in a few minutes and forget.  It's natural to get busy with life, and not connect with a person for a while, God knows, I have a couple of good friends like that, but at least when I tell them I am going to call, I do.  Even if it is later to explain how & why I forgot.  And why is it that I can be there for my friends when they need an ear, or someone to talk to, but for the week or three out of the YEAR that I hit my low, I have to face it alone?  And why do people expect to have the best of everything?  Okay..  I'm a fat-ass.  I get that.  But I'm tired of women that like to flirt because I'm a nice guy, and I'm romantic, and great at complimenting them and making them feel good, but I'm not romance material, because...  well..  wait.  If it's not because I'm an asshole...  or a loser who lives with his mom...  or because I have a shitty attitude...  God, I've heard all these things..  well, then what is it?  And I love the women that answer me..  when I ask if it's my weight..  that it's not.  You know what?  FUCK YOU!  Fuck YOU and the fucked up justification you have for lying to me, and in some cases, yourself!  GO TO FUCKING HELL, because you know what?  I'm DONE.  I'm BROKEN.  You've finally broken me!  I don't care..  I don't WANT to care..  I've always said that all the good I do for others is ultimately so that I don't sacrifice myself, but that's exactly what's happened.  I've given untill there's nothing left to give.  I'm not even interested anymore.  I'd like to thank the women of  my life,  because you've shown me that there's only one thing I should be looking out for, and that's myself.  The next time you wonder why you can't find a nice/romantic guy, maybe you should remind yourself that the fact is...  That's NOT what you're looking for.  You're looking for someone who SEEMS that way, but really treats you like shit.  Oh, and let's not forget the most important part...  He has to look like (insert Fabio style man's man), and fuck like a bull on steroids.  GOOD FUCKING LUCK WITH THAT!  AND GO TO HELL BITCH!  Oh, and for everyone who now feels the need to reply with some manner of flame, don't bother.  You put me here, don't waste your breath!  If you think you're not that way?  Sadly, you are lying to yourself!  If you think you can prove it to me..  please..  don't try.  I'm not in the market for another broken heart!  And if you feel like you've contributed to this attitude, you probably have.  And if it makes you feel like shit, you should probably apologize.  In an email, because I have no interest in discussing this with you.  And if you feel like you're so fucking rad-ass that you shouldn't need to apologize for shit?  Then GO ON WITH YOUR BAD SELF!  Frankly, it should be obvious that I've hit that wall where I don't give a good flip flying FUCK either.</emo>

Have you ever had one of those days?  Those days where you just don't know for sure what direction things are going in?  Today is one of those for me.  I just don't know.  I have the biggest f'd up smile on my face, but other things are bringing me down.  At work, I have people watching my back, but I also have people trying to snipe me.  It's just a grey day in general.  But..  you do what you can right?  And that being the case..  trust me..  I'm enjoying the little things.  Just needing to vent.  I need a few new parts for my car.  None cheap.  I need to finish paying shit off..  I need to get shit coming in.  I need to organize my life.  chaos is good when you have nothing to organize, but when you end up with business and money, it seems like it requires management.  I'm not good at management.  Then again, I'm not really great at any of the things I really enjoy.  Good maybe, not great.  So it's always a struggle to make it, because I'm always in a competition to make it.  I hate competing.  I don't like last place, but I'm okay with second place...  Does that make sense?  Anyhow, that's probably all for now.