Listless and Numb

So, it's been forever since I've bothered to update this thing. It's not because there's nothing going on in my life, but rather I just .. haven't really felt up to blathering on and on and on about anything. Right now though, I just want to ramble and get it off my chest, yanno? ..Okay, and maybe I just need to wallow in self-pity a bit. Deal with it or don't read :D

I'd made pretty close buddy-buddy with someone, back when I'd first opened up Bedford. It didn't take long for a few friends to start pointing stuff out to me about the new one. Things Jenn did, or things she said...There was this one incident, involving Spo, Lizzie and I, that Jenn .. I don't really know now, thinking back on it, if Jenn was even really involved herself, beyond being a "support" person for all of us. I kind of think she interjected herself into the situation, more than actually had anything to do with it at first. But there was something she did...that it took Lizzie a few days, a week maybe? to even notice. She told Spo and Spo pointed it out to me, but me..Well, being me, I gave Jenn the benefit of the doubt, yanno? I don't like confrontation if it can be avoided. I really dislike it actually, at least when it comes to online matters. I don't like being put on the spot, and when I get upset or outright angry over something, I prefer to take a step back and breathe for abit before I deal with it. With Jenn, I guess I just didn't want to deal with it. With her. With acknowledging what she is and what she does.

Over the course of some months, Jenn became more and more possessive of not just my characters, but me as a player and a person too. She'd start to sulk if I so much as mentioned roleplaying with someone else, or breathed a word about anything my characters were doing that didn't involve her and her characters. God forbid I tell her I spent X amount of hours talking on the phone with Spo(which, I might add, has become a rare treat, because why do we need to chatter on the phone when we're usually online and can do it here, huh?), or that I spent a few hours with some real life friends. It got to where it seemed like she resented even the time I spent with my family(my family, for christ's sake!).

Well, about a month ago, I lost my shit with her. She did something, and really it wouldn't have been that big a deal normally, except it was like .. the last straw, yanno? I went off. I admit, I was a cunt, I was vicious, but Jenn...Jenn wouldn't even see why I was so mad. She tried to pin the entire fight on me, on how I disrespected her by not consulting her about something before...I guess I should explain what it was. See, I'd had a character, Samael, in Jenn's storyline, Revelations. I rarely played him, and I was approached by another friend to see if we could work something out to swap out my Samael for hers. I had no problem with that since, as I said, I hardly got to play mine. We talked it over for a few days, got the kinks worked out to make it a smooth transition. I mentioned the swap to Jenn, and that's when she freaked out. She implied through actions and words that I was obligated to tell her first what I'm going to do with my character(s). That's the basic gist of it. Anyway, yeah. After she had the gall to act affronted that I'd decided to do something without her consent(when this particular character wasn't even involved with any hers at all), everything just sort of came out at once. I admitted that I handled the situation badly, but Jenn couldn't admit that she did as well. She still won't admit it. She claims that I disrespected her by not talking to her about the swap first, before the other mun and I even began to discuss it.

So...That's that. I haven't talked to Jenn since that whole blowout. Jan, a mutual friend, tried to help, but in the end it didn't matter.

Now, I've come to find that Jenn has been stealing my characters and my concepts. There are at least two characters in her Revelations SL that are mine. As well, she's using my original breed concepts(Naga, Carpathian, Fane) for her characters. She's stealing from me ... and I'm livid over it, but I really don't know what to do about it. Beyond contacting her and requesting she remove everything of mine from her storylines, profiles, and websites. If she refuses? What can I do? Throw a fit? Yeah. That'll work. Really.

-sigh- For all that she's done....for all that I'm angry as hell...I do miss Jenn. I do miss talking to her and getting her thoughts and opinions. I miss being that close to someone, another female that I can just ... talk to. I miss that friendship but ... I guess there's nothing that can be done about it now. Too much shit and too much time has passed.

In other news, my grandfather's cancer is back. I guess it's more aggressive this time, as well. My father had promised that he'd take me to Texas this month, to see my grandfather ... To meet him, for the first time in my entire life. But no ... My father's too selfish to spend the money a roundtrip plane ticket would cost, or even a roundtrip bus ticket. He wants what he wants, and what he wants is to go to Texas himself, visit his father, then go on to New Mexico and California. He wants to wallow in what he can't do anymore, rather than reflect on all the great things he's done in his life, and look to the future with a clear conscience and mind. He wants to shirk his responsibilities, just like he did when he walked out on mom and me. It's all about him, and what he wants. Doesn't matter that I want to see my grandfather - and I don't want that meeting to be at his funeral, which I feel more and more will be the case.

I'm angry and bitter. I need therapy .. and I'm terrified to do it.

Yup. Zombie's absolutely petrified of going to a therapist. Scared shitless at the possibility of everything I've ever thought was wrong with me being confirmed. I don't need the confirmation .... Not really. I know what's wrong. I just don't know anymore how to deal with it all. Writing has become not enough to make it better.

I feel ... useless and restless. I feel like I'm letting time slip by, but at the same time, I can't find the strength inside of myself to grasp on and go along for the ride. To make the most of what life has to offer. I can't find that one thing that could make everything up to this point worth it.

I hate this feeling. I hate it with a burning passion, and I have no idea how to put out those flames of self loathing.