So Dissected

Because this cracks me up...

Wed, 30 Mar 2005 20:52:07 GMT

Here is my favorite Max skit.

The Poetry of Max Weinberg

Fall makes Max nostalgic and evocative. Hence the poem "Autumn Memories":

MAX: (reading) "Leaves fall from the mottled November sky, forming a crisp
blanket at my laboring feet. I scoop up some leaves into my arms and
breathe deeply of their autumn bounty. With both hands I spread these
leaves to cover the lifeless body of my victim."

(reaction: puzzled Conan)

MAX: "Shrouded in his leafy jacket, this is one neighbor who will no
longer slam his car doors late at night. I feel the release... and it is
good. But soon questions will be asked - something must be done. I spy the
woodchipper in the corner of my yard..."
COB: Uh, Max?
MAX: "Its gleaming metal sides beckon me to finish the job. I drag my
victim feet-first towards the chipper's gaping maw. I laugh - ha ha ha ha
ha! Who's the idiot now, huh, Larry?"
COB: (rising) All right, Max, that's great, that's terrific...
MAX: (vehemently) Conan! Please! I'm NOT finished yet! "Grind, grind,
grind goes the chipper as it does its gruesome work!"

This is the greatest thing I've ever seen in my life.

Sat, 26 Mar 2005 20:46:51 GMT

And they called him: Darth Tater. I am buying at least three of those, and I don't even like Star Wars...

come for the butter, stay for the mints

Mon, 22 Nov 2004 23:50:44 GMT

Beauty binge! I've reached new highs, and sunk to new lows with my recent binge at the neighborhood Wal-Mart Beauty section (the words Wal-Mart and beauty look so titillating and ironic, sitting next to eachother). Here's what I bought, unabridged:

* Gigantifuck 32 oz. Cocoa Butter - Hand and Body Lotion. Approved and guarenteed by "Queen Helene" (the big, sassy black woman's seal of approval).

* Goody "ouchless" Hair Bands - 20% more included. That's right, my niggardly money-grubbing whores of friends. There's a slashed out 14, replaced by a proud 17. Three addition bands, in case you lose the other 14. Economical, AND safe.

* Spangler Candy Canes. They're just fucking good.

* Finishing Touch hair remover - for eyebrow grooming and bikini lines. Upon further inspection, this crafty "hair removing" devise looks awfully reminiscent of a mini razor.

* Vanilla Mint Crest toothpaste - I saw it on "The Apprentice" and had to buy it. I've been using the same brand's rennovative spicy cinammon toothpaste, which in some twist of irony, turned out to be a pretty shitty idea. No one wants to brush their teeth, and have a "spicy" taste left behind. That's just retarded.

* Crest Spinbrush - the lazy man's toothbrush. It does all the work of three (large) men.... brushing their teeth.

* Garnier Fructis shake effect - I'm a sucker for hair products in green packaging.

* John Freida Brilliant Brunette Shine Shocker Gloss - .... or brown.

* And positively, the saddest, most inane purchase of my entire life: Slim Mints: Diet Mints. "Freshen your breath AND lose weight, at the same time!" Evidentally, each bioengineered tablet is packed with ingredients to increase metabolism, and reduce appetite. Unfuckingbelievable... the answer to my prayers, all for only $1.96. Thank you, Slim Mints... thank for you taking a much-needed corporate SHIT on the weight-conscious consumer, you fucking lecherous monsters.

And so concludes my great shopping adventure.

Unbelievable.

Thu, 24 Jun 2004 04:34:25 GMT

I was watching "Blow Out" yesterday, which is reality tv's spin on life in a Beverly Hills hair salon. After close, the whole gang of stylists went out for a good old fashioned botox party. Around six or seven people gathering to a plastic surgery tee-pee (for lack of a better noun), applying a numbing creme to their face and getting INJECTED with botox. It's come to this, my simple minded friends - people are shooting up in packs now. You can't even begin to understand the level of superficiallity this world has come to, when the hottest trend in LA is a party for face lifts. I'll have to admit, a small piece of me loves it; the piece that finds giggles in other's misfortune and overall blockheadedness. No, actually, I'm rather taken aback, in a fascinated way by this concept. Plastic surgery has become so socially accepted these days that we can actually establish little get-togethers for group alterations. "Marty, call Sal. The gang is gonna go out and get ass-lifts. Gotta admit, the old poop-chute's been lookin a little droopy lately, and needs a firm tug in the right direction. Better call Jerry, and Bertha, too - their asses are mighty flabby these days." Bodily modifications are acceptable enough to produce high-rated shows about, centering around a fat girl's desire to be thin, an ugly girl's desire to be pretty, a sad girl's desire to look like a celebrity. It isn't exploitation anymore - it's family-fun entertainment. We can all watch "The Swan" and cheer victoriously when the ugly single mom gets surgically transformed into a 48% silicon-based mutation, with a plastic smile and uncomfortably high eyebrows. We can watch "Extreme Makeover" and marvel over Tina's new tits, inwardly and guiltlessly pondering the prospect ourselves. We can watch "I Want a Famous Face" and laugh at the assclown who goes under the knife to look more like Brad Pitt, and comes out, looking exactly the same, but we love it.

You don't have to hate something about yourself any more. Chances are, you can probably have it cut off, sucked out, slimmed down, shot up, pulled, stretched, stuffed, or stapled. All for the fancy low price of $200 Tuesdays on Sunset Boulevard - hey, 6 people parties get the 7th injection free! How can you lose?

Somebody should have told Mary-Kate this, before she went the old fashioned anorexia root. Psh. Anorexia is so 2002.

Stuart.

Wed, 26 May 2004 05:57:49 GMT

You couldn't possibly understand my impetuous infatuation with Stuart Sutcliffe.
My passionate, concupiscent, sexy infatuation with Stuart Sutcliffe.

Friends-Only

Fri, 26 Mar 2004 02:53:25 GMT

That's right. Only the cool people are granted access to this portal of mindless, self-deprecating tripe. Are you cool enough? Most likely not. But holla anyways, and I'll add you, if I see it fit. Cheers.

-Sabrina