come for the butter, stay for the mints
Beauty binge! I've reached new highs, and sunk to new lows with my recent binge at the neighborhood Wal-Mart Beauty section (the words Wal-Mart and beauty look so titillating and ironic, sitting next to eachother). Here's what I bought, unabridged:

* Gigantifuck 32 oz. Cocoa Butter - Hand and Body Lotion. Approved and guarenteed by "Queen Helene" (the big, sassy black woman's seal of approval).

* Goody "ouchless" Hair Bands - 20% more included. That's right, my niggardly money-grubbing whores of friends. There's a slashed out 14, replaced by a proud 17. Three addition bands, in case you lose the other 14. Economical, AND safe.

* Spangler Candy Canes. They're just fucking good.

* Finishing Touch hair remover - for eyebrow grooming and bikini lines. Upon further inspection, this crafty "hair removing" devise looks awfully reminiscent of a mini razor.

* Vanilla Mint Crest toothpaste - I saw it on "The Apprentice" and had to buy it. I've been using the same brand's rennovative spicy cinammon toothpaste, which in some twist of irony, turned out to be a pretty shitty idea. No one wants to brush their teeth, and have a "spicy" taste left behind. That's just retarded.

* Crest Spinbrush - the lazy man's toothbrush. It does all the work of three (large) men.... brushing their teeth.

* Garnier Fructis shake effect - I'm a sucker for hair products in green packaging.

* John Freida Brilliant Brunette Shine Shocker Gloss - .... or brown.

* And positively, the saddest, most inane purchase of my entire life: Slim Mints: Diet Mints. "Freshen your breath AND lose weight, at the same time!" Evidentally, each bioengineered tablet is packed with ingredients to increase metabolism, and reduce appetite. Unfuckingbelievable... the answer to my prayers, all for only $1.96. Thank you, Slim Mints... thank for you taking a much-needed corporate SHIT on the weight-conscious consumer, you fucking lecherous monsters.

And so concludes my great shopping adventure.