*BOUNCES AROUND HIS ROOM LIKE A NUTCASE*

GROOVE ARMADAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA BABYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i'm gonna act like a complete arsehole in my hometown, show ryan the sights as well and take him around my childhood (!), and get as slaughtered on as much drugs and alcohol as i can find. shit i'm drinking right now, i got up 40 minutes ago...

I CAN'T WAIT FOR THE WEEKEND TO BEGINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN...

watch out london, i'm backkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*continues bouncin' and building 'air' cardboxes*

yeah!

Current Mood: excited
Current Music: Michael Gray (Ft. Lex Walker) - Weekend (Club Mix) VERY LOUD

turns out fa has more stamina than my ex!

*giggles @ fa*

Current Mood: accomplished
Current Music: U2 - Discotechque [Remix]

wow. it's been that long since i felt truly satisfied before i went to sleep.

my journal is open, i know this, i will fix it tomorrow. fa, darren, jo, they've all seen it apparently. jo called me, started off bad, ended up good.

3 hours, yet i didn't get soppy, i felt liberated. as if how i was tonight was how we were before we ever got involved, felt like we understood each other again. it's been a long time since i felt that.

but i end on the note to everyone who has access to my LJ that i feel i'd prefer not to have. my journal is my personal space, and anything said inside of it whether concerning you or not, i'm afraid is mine :) *smiles*

i know it sounds fucked, but what you see right here. mine. my years of collected thoughts, opinions, conclusions and questions. all mine, and as if you didn't want someone crawling around your head reading your thoughts and private words, i don't want it either. my LJ is open, from now on i will keep it to close LJ friends because i believe the opinions i hold can never be judged fairly to my personality, they are words on digital paper. no feelings as far as bodily emotions and heartfelt jestures with your hands or eyes or any other part of your body that 'gives a signal', you can't judge any of it. colmunations of collective thought patterns, feelings, anger, love. how can you possibly understand that when it's not you ?!

*pauses* my journal sounds harsh, wrong, unfair, and at times down right evil. but you'll be fucked if u think i'm too apologise whatever the fuck i've said. what can i say drugs and a harsh lifestyle has pushed memory bridges to the max, shit these are my memories u fucks. but these are still mine, and i wish for you not to be in my playground. i'm going to dream a beautiful dream tonight...because i said so.

as much as i care for each of you, D, Fa, Jo. *hehehe could be a funny pop song* i cannot let any of you read my journal. my mind is set on this. it's nothing personal, u must understand that. it's much more selfish that than. it's just that it's mine and if this gets out to everyone or everyone reads it, i then have know where to 'hang my thoughts' at the end of a tough day (...and they are *que violins*). if u do it, well, i'm afraid i can no longer call you a friend, plus i'll most likely resort to violence as usual and perhaps kick the fuck outta you ? :)

u know how i dooooooo...seriously though. don't fucking read it.

*looks @ ryan passed out on his bed*

awwww, he's such a wooss isn't he. my groove man. sleep on bro.

*thinks*

...crashing on my motherfucking comfy ass bed come to think of it. *pokes ryan*

in the words of simon "god damn hippie's..."

*ryan mumbles*

Unconscience Ryan: "what's happening ?"

*ryan wakes up*

* ben hits 'UPDATE JOURNAL' *

Current Mood: happy
Current Music: Space - 'can't remember'

the other night i received an email from jo asking how i was. i decided to tell her i was starting the process of sorting myself out (without revealing anything), i apologised for any angry shit i ever pulled with her, told her she was 'no saint', but that her actions were not the reasons for me kicking off like i do, just the catalyst if yah like, if that even makes sense.

the email of about 100 words to her, took me about an hour to write. quite shameful for someone who claims not to censor himself.

kat's birthday went off without a hitch, only minor one was me huffing and puffing about ross watching kat every second and not letting her let her hair down on her birthday. then simon having a go at me for dancing the way i was with her. sounds sordid, still tearing my hair out trying to convince people it's not. si & i had a talk, we sorted it. i learn't something. but i'll tell all tomorrow.

still fixing PC's for people for free, i'm a muppet.

groove armada with ryan in london...two days to go.

work at 9. still detest it...

post and tell all when i get back tomorrow, and reply to all my lubbly LJ friends who still apparently still give a fu**!

"go on guys!"

:)

.b

Current Mood: satisfied
Current Music: The Ravonettes - Chain Gang of Love

ok, just paid for an account on LJ...at last. only for two months, but i'm starting to personalize it, and make sure knowone can access except peeps i lurve ;)

so tonight probably i'll be kicking out all my old contacts, friends etc and keeping just the ones who can be arsed, were nice to have around, gave good advise etc. so post if u want me to keep u. joby, carol, anna, gaby, ryan, gem etc goes without saying, but if u wanna stay, do say !

i've just figured that jo can see my journal by searching for people via region on LJ. so there's a chance she's been peaking at my journal even before i saw hers ! but we'll see.

yeah, so everythings going private. if anyone knows of a better way to make my LJ private without having to go through 2,000 posts i'd v. much appreciate an insight or two :)

post l8r.

.b

Current Mood: busy
Current Music: Michael Gray - The Weekend (Club Mix)

works been horrible.

i completely detest the job. infact, i'm currently taking a day off 'on the sick'. first one in a week so that's not bad ;)

LOL

ah fuck um. dishonest peeps ! good guys in there n such, good ol' lloydie, met his work colleagues wayne, matt, martyn, blair, sarah and andrew. but they are all sales people (bar sarah the cashier), yeah all bloody salesman. not a proper tech between um, and all 'when in work', completely dishonest fuckers !

so i'm being pressured at work to sell sell sell, and all i'm doing is giving everybody honest advise and booting them out of the door lol. it's pissing everyone off but lloyds laughing his ass off most of the time watching me break all the rules;

Customer: "isn't that young man v. polite, well dressed, and certainly seems to know his stuff, seems like good material for an employee *smiles*"

Jon The Boss: *grits teeth* "yeah, he's diamond"

prik.

he's ex-military, so he's a bit of a hard nut, keeps his work and private life totally seperate, and instigates morale for the 'troops' about as effectively as a bomb in a church. this morning i could tell in his voice he took pleasure in telling me there was no pay for people taking 'any' sick days. all part of that perfect contract they got going around there employees.

why am i so pissed off about the job ? groove armada to name but one. my boss won't let me go to the gig i've been waiting ages to go see. argh, i'll quit before i see an arsehole like that get in the way of me and my music groove. military scum...

last night dropped jo an email just to mention that windows xp was now available in welsh, her and her mum are two nutters for the language so any news, and i just pop it straight by. got an email back;

Awww, cheerz chick!

How are things your end?

My dad was only talking about you the other night, asking how you were and that he really would like to catch up with you. Obv. i would too but i know things aren't ever gonna be 'normal' between us.

I hope everythings going well though xxx

that was nice. i sent one back just apologising for how i've been, that i've accepted everything, and i was in the process of trying to 'sort myself out'. i wanted to scream that all the shit i gave her before wasn't her fault, but was years of pent up anger bursting out everytime she did something wrong, but the truth was, it was partly her fault, she was adding to it all. i see that now. all, without giving too much away to her of course...

i feel bad about her dad, and the kids though. i love those guys, and my feelings least of all should be the interfering factor in seeing um, it's so retarded. i'm 22, i should be intelligent to figure this out without questioning everything. where did my intelligence go ?!

surely drugs haven't taken everything just yet, have they ?!

oh, i forgot to say that there was a text message on my mums work phone the other night she luckily didn't see;

"tell your son to stop taking speed"

"eeeep. who caught me ?" ...was my first thought.

then i realized i hadn't taken speed in months. so who the fuck was this and what the hell business is it of there's to question my actions ? i thought back to who it could have been, knowone sprung to mind. the last drug i took even remotely looking like speed was base, and that was with tab a few weeks ago, and that was only a little taster in the car to get us 'up' a little. no mass session, no carry on, nothing, just something he had left in a mini baggy in his pocket, no big deal. but that was all i could think of. who the hell was it ?!

i phoned the number back masking my home number and putting a scottish accent on, i was actually quite good, but unfortunatly it didn't fool the guy at the other end of the line who promptly hung up on me without really giving away who he was and what the fuck he had to do with me and my actions. so the mystery goes on...

only alarming thing is, with me and amy getting closer and me drawing nearer to sorting my life out, the last thing i need is someone coming up to my mum via mobile or to her face and telling her that the reason her son is losing weight and wrecking his life is because he's been chewing, swallowing, sniffing, smoking, and licking whatever he can get his hands on. that's gonna do her some good init ?

i'm not a drug addict just yet, but treading a dangerously thin line, sporadically based on the factor that my recent behavior points to me 'truly not giving a shit' anymore.

tis kat's birthday tomorrow, we're all supposed to be getting annihilated as usual, but i'm broke =/ so i gotta pull something off to get money for tomorrow. not the best time to tell the boss i wanna kick his head in and quit the job, but i also can't see me finishing the month at the same time, so where's the point in following on ? i'll finish the month, or i'll do my best, but groove armada is still int the way and i can see no immiediate way out. but believe me if i wasn't desperate i'd be outta that place so quick.

whippet with the runs mean anything to you people ?

post l8r, less moans, promise!

Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: Undertones - Teenage Kicks

so much for getting my body clock back into shape. *waves to mr. 5 o'clock*

decided to smoke on with kath tonight, purposely missed the last bus and walked home, got about half way, and a guy (looked like an ex student of the local uni) picked me up. we had a brief conversation and oddly enough got talking about anime, manga and 'spirited away' the movie. he asked about what course i did at college and we just started talking. ride only last about 6 or 7 minutes, but they are a few minutes you'll never forget. the kindness of strangers, the trust factor, hell even the lazy factor, it's all there.

besides, stan lee takes a shot in the mouth to get a couple miles. me, i'll talk to you about movies to get a couple miles.

sat down with beans & sausage on toast (food of kings i say...) and amy joined me after an hour of bbc news24, she sat down and started talking. after a while i clasped the courage together to ask her a few things;

Ben: "amy, if u needed help, not friends. the professional type, where would u start as a practical option (time constraints of work n all)"

Amy: "doctors are a bit crap, but i'd look some councilling information up online babe, you know you can talk to me right ?"


she mentioned how worried mum was for me, and i replied that was part of the problem. me not able to say anything because of the fear she'll blame herself, shit, look what happened on the last argument outing the two of us had, i had her bawling her eyes out on the stairs and i didn't even tell her anything ?!?!!! Amy replied she knew how mum was in ways and that it was difficult, but talking about what has happened is my only option, and i'm to get on it right away.

Amy: "are you living or surviving..."

*catches on at the end of her question*
Ben: "...surviving"

i didn't want it to be as urgent as that, but my sister knows nothing. nothing. to tell her straight would, i believe, do more damage than however bad i felt about spilling it all. i feel like i gotta let her or anyone else i choose find out in lumps, the amount of shit held back has mounted and it would seem absurd to unleash on some poor soul one night. you can't drop bombs without damage. i swear i'm painting pictures of daises on the bombs in the hope they won't do as much destruction. but a wolf in sheeps clothing is still a wolf.

this is the first sit down, even if it was just half an hour that me and my sis have ever had. she comforted me for about half hour this time last year when i was at the pinacle of depression finishing with jo. but that's it.

i think Amy's gone to sleep tonight thinking of me from a different angle. i like to think there isn't much i'm scared of, but i'm truly petrified she'll think less of me in time to come. idiotic thought, but there none the less.

also read a chapter of hunter S. thompson's new book. gotta bag that bad boy as well as james frey's, 'million little pieces', read a chapter and couldn't put it down in london, looks fantastic.

anyway, i'm up in 4 hours. jobcentre, might as well leech the last drop of jobseekers allowance while the goings good and the new job starts soon. hell i've paid taxes since i was 15 and not one bloody rebate ! i'm bloody well entitled to screw the government for another week !

sn00zles...

Current Mood: awake
Current Music: Sting - Send Your Love

feel quite depressed this morning, and i've had my actimel. crikey.

it started when i woke up to the ringing of my mobile, it was kat, we discussed the footy tonight, arranged to meet in the pub and said i'd catch her later. i'd remembered the last parts of my dream before i was woken up, i can't remember how i got there (obviously), but i was on a busand there was this woman infront of me who was getting off at the same stop as me, she turned to me and said;

"you don't look too healthy yourself love"

i had said nothing to her before. she just turned around and said it.

couple that with simons nan's comments on my weight last night just made me feel so horrible, and all you can do is agree, nod, and say how your appetite is not much different from other people, things are going to change etc etc. but you know they never will, until you feel better to do something about it.

both comments seemed totally out of the blue, and they both made me feel terrible.

i don't know what it's like being fat, i can't see it as being very pleasent for the person who believes they are, but i always thought they could take comfort in only being ridiculed if they were hurled some abuse in the street by some inbred and not socially, nothing offbeat and in the middle of a 'normal' conversation over a dinner table. ARGH, HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU PEOPLE DO THAT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

social comments about being overweight aren't tolerated anymore. you got adverts day, noon and night about losing weight, lemme ask yah, you see any about putting weight on ?

i see being skinny as so much worse than being fat, simply for the fact that people don't point you out as being fat in a social situation anymore, it's just plain rude, a big no no in a social circle right ? but people will point you out for being skinny at the first opportunity and will often not think twice about what they've just said. no i'm not saying being fat is 'easier', i can imagine it's not, but i see more outlets from being overweight than i do being underweight.

the only even slightest laugh i'll get outta this is seeing weight as fashion. being fat is so last year............skinny is the new black.

jesus...

i feel really bad. just comforting with sting and eva, my shrinks.

Current Mood: depressed
Current Music: Sting - Stolen Car // Eva Cassidy - Fields of Gold

audrey hepburn.................the worlds worst name for the worlds most beautiful woman. seriously, if you put the right amount of class and naughtyness together for a bloke, this woman (unfortunatly 6 feet under) doesn't get beaten. fu** brittany, fu** jordan, fu** all those dumb ass max power girls, this little lady is in a world of her own :)

why the sudden interest ?

well here in newport we just had a bloody great big advert put up right by our town centre and nobody's really noticed it before, until some genius (and he/she are!) decided to put the big 'sky' advert up there with a huge picture of good old audrey *swoons*

so that's ben pickled for the next few days. seriously, i don't even think i registered any noise on the bus when i'm entering town, i just switch off :D

lol

due to go up kat's, chew popcorn, get high and watch the 'friday' series, but tab and simon are taking the earth to get here and i'm losing patience. how come it always takes stoners 15x as much time as anyone else to do something, argh. me included !

also went to the computer shop and dropped in the final paperwork, i start friday btw, so i'm job'd up again. it's just i'm a fucking salesman and i hate salesman, let alone for myself to become one. argh. this is what lloyd is good at not me. i'm most likely to laugh at all customers who walk through the door and send them all off to IBM or something, not too good for business. think i'm gonna start up a pool on how long i last...anyone game ?

Current Mood: restless
Current Music: Savage Garden - (argh, i know but 'ginger' was playing it!!)

Oooooooooooo, no sleep yesterday and allot of drinking and herbalizing sent me spawling to sleep last night just before 9 after i got back. funeral was horrible as usual, but allot of people held there nerve, allot of carl's friends came along. take my hat off to simon who kept his nerve together only looking like he was crying towards the end carrying the coffin out, his speech was brilliant, and even mentioned cheese and onion sandwhiches, rap music and the lot of us all busting rhymes in jimmy's place. you can imagine the few sniggers...

we congregated outside afterwards where all 40 of us sparked up a cigarette at the same time, there was only one suggestion being passed around, and it wasn't going to the crematorium.

weatherspoons here we come...

soon as we got to the rat n parrot, we all proceeded to get wrecked. little Jess was there from before, i should say little but she ain't, to look at her you'd think she was 18, 19ish. the bloody girl is 15 years old going on 20 and you wouldn't believe it. after simon introduced me to her in the micra while we were down pill trying to score, she amazingly enough asked to have a kiss off me before she went, apparently this was a very normal thing between 'her' mates. as i had just met her, didn't know her age, i thought nothing of it, she kissed me on the lips, licked um and fucked off. after that i was always a little hesitant to meet her again after finding out her age, felt really wrong. being kissed is great, they are free, make yah feel good, and why the fuck not eh ? black girls, what it is with um, they just got the softest lips ! telling yah ladies, feel like going lesbian for a session, pick a black chick, trust!

but asides from the 'fairy' fabric softener factor, it was still off putting, i felt like a young looking dirty old man! i didn't think too much into it apart from that though, yah know it was the last time we met and that was that. but having her a pue infront of me at the funeral was enough to wonder if she was gonna hang with us drinking afterwards.

she did.

it's creepy, you look at her next to me, you'd think she was older, it's quite funny. so after getting the drinks in at weatherspoons the lot of us dominated the corner and continued to make much noise, everyone kinda paired off into groups and started talking and me and jess got chin wagging a bit, i could totally tell she was into simon, now this was ok, still a bit freaky, simon's 18 and looks about 25, jess is 15 looks about 19, and i'm 22 looking about 17.

i got up to get another drink and noticed the end of a buzzing in my pocket. looking at my phone i'd had a missed call off an unknown number;

*calls back*

Voice: "hello the computer shop"

Ben: "hello i just had a missed call from this number, sorry did lloyd just make a call ?"

Voice: "uh no, actually it was i. my names John i'm the new newport based store manager, i was going through a few CV's i have here, and saw yours, was wondering if you were free for a quick chat at all ?"

now after the last interview down there, which i don't think actually qualified as one, i wasn't really game for another especially half cut in my local weathers...

Ben: "well to be perfectly honest, i wasn't exactly ach'ing to hear from you guys after my last experience for an interview down there, total waste of my time"

Voice: "yes i understand, i must apologise for that, and the lateness in calling you back, but i can assure you i am in charge now and i'm a good thing down here at the store!"

*thinks* "funny fucker eh..."

Ben: "well unfortunatly i've just come out of a funeral and i'm in the middle of weatherspoons, you free tomorrow ?"

Voice: "yes tomorrows fine"

Ben: "any particular time ?"

Voice: "no i'll be here all day, just pop in"

Ben: "oky doke, i'll see you then John, thanks very much for the call"

Voice: "see you tomorrow, bye"

OKY DOKY ?! i thought to myself, jesus, blown that one already. but i was half cut...

after weatherspoons we all went off to the shaftesbury conservatives club for cheap drinks (if anyone wonders why), in there we played much pool, ate much food, and such. a load of us spent sometime sitting down talking about carl before we all got really drunk, pete, timmy, simon, jason, dazzler, martin, dan and i all just sat there quite motionless for a while. time for spliffs. the lot of us went outside followed by joey, chink and my new found friend 'whiskey' or (liam) from the other room. we all blazed up and that's when i noticed jess again, dazzler came up to me and informed me that my quick tongue and retarded personality had attracted jess and she was game, i was fucking gutted. twas the worst news i'd had in 4 minutes since jimmy had pasted my ass all over the pool room. there was this stunning girl, amazing body'd girl digging me of all people, twas in my element, but knowing her age just made me feel so shitty, looking over at simon and knowing that he could and i couldn't was the ice'ing on the cake. i remember thinking to myself, i hate looking this small.

we proceeded into the other room of the club where the pool table and jukebox was, party on. everyone were hip hoppers so the tunes we stuck straight on, everyone proceeded to get down. once the beat had kicked in there was only one retarded thing for me and jimmy to do. battle. the worst part of the funeral day unfolded, two of the skinnyest white boys in the room were the only ones willing to fight it out, and jimmy KICKING MY ASS. yeah, i haven't had my ass kicked like that before, especially by him. we've battled maybe 3 or 4 times before, but he really whooped me good this time. we spat for about 10 minutes, i was doing well until jimmy pulled out an individual diss on me comparing me to pengelly across the table, that was that i called it a day;

"i ain't even gonna bother rapping this beat with you no more, your lips r spitting too much venom and my ass is heading for tha door..."

*walks out to smoke up*

0wned.

after that i felt like shit, something as childish and immature as busting a few rhymes had put me in a bad spin out session. jess was walking around the place after a few drinks looking a little tipsy, playful and by this time was all over me whenever i walked outside sporting big joey's newly labelled 'pimp' coat. i had only brought about £10 with me to the funeral, i had no idea we'd all go off and get slaughtered and i thought i'd pushed simons generosity as it was, time to go, i announced i was off, said my goodbyes and tried to buggar off, jess followed me out and she was doing that really annoying wrap her arms around the waist manevure so it's really hard for me to walk away thing, turning my hips in a motion to turn me around to inevitably kiss me, why else is your ass sporting a half crop top outside in the middle of winter without a coat on ?! does the term 3 degree celcius mean anything to you ?

she did manage to turn me around and before either of us had a chance to do that horrible look into each others eyes, i looked over her right shoulder, gave her a hug "awwwww, see you soon babe"

...that was that. i made a move off to home along the dual carrage way, i dislike taking the normal roads, there's something very eerie about walking along a motorway, almost peaceful in the midst of choas :)

that's about it, i passed out on my bed at 'bout 9. no sleep the night before, do yah blame me ?!

.b

* - couldn't be arsed with spell checking

Current Mood: awake
Current Music: Copa cabana...Du du, du du du du duuuuu...