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[July 13th 2009 11:35pm] Tomorrow will be my last band prac with MO after six years.

open doors [July 11th 2009 11:36pm] When I entered the car yesterday, I told Dad I have a lot to thank God for. It's true - God has been very faithful. I would have been prepared to say this even if I had gotten worse grades, because above all, I'd like to thank Him most for joy. I haven't been this happy all year. And it's a very odd time to be this happy. Term 2 was my monster term; for some reason I feel like term 3 will be easier, at least emotionally and spiritually, despite the intensity of the studying. It's too early to tell. In any case, I am truly joyful now. It does feel odd, being glad. I confess that when my friends cannot share such joy, my heart goes out to them, but I cannot understand. But I can perceive brokenness behind smiles. You can't blame them for smiling, even if it could make them plastic people. There is a strength in such fronts that warrants a good deal of admiration. I love my teachers. That day I chatted briefly with Mr Tay while we were going downstairs. It strangely mirrored our conversation last year about the promo paper (in content, action and location). It's funny how he can use a math paper to teach me about having faith in difficult situations in life, however horrible it feels. Looking back on the past year I guess one of the things JC has taught me has been how to truly respect people. I don't mean I never respected people before JC, but I guess I never felt or understood appreciation and admiration as I do now (however little/much this understanding is). I have to say I love it when teachers bother about the stuff their students are made of in their hearts and not just their heads. (It was so shallow. It was all about competition.) We had HISSOC farewell today. Thank you J1s it was lovely, and thank you to our gracious host. J2s - will miss you all very much! This is an EXCO that is undoubtedly worth remembering, every single one of you, because everyone has such a special personality, and this mash of talents, ideas and personalities has made for such a fun, enjoyable, superb year. Thank you so much <3 A Tempo / Limelight is in 4 days!

like eagles [July 4th 2009 8:09pm] Jiayun is happy because she knows what she wants to do with life. At least for now. It feels so good and relieving having direction regarding what one would honestly like to do. I thank God for wisdom. Kite-flying yesterday was a blast! I can't believe it was the first time I flew a kite (which does not, however, mean that I did not have a childhood!). Urkh was so carefree. Watching him up there made me feel carefree - a sort of liberation that couches itself upon the liberation of another. All four of us went into the making of Urkh. He will roam the skies again on Thursday. It would be such a joyful thing to be like Urkh, only less hideous please. Now I look like a roast turkey, albeit an unappetising one, and my shoulders hurt (I can't even carry a tote bag). I'm so thankful for friends who keep me off the ground! I've been savouring singlehood. It looks and feels different after you've been out of it briefly, but I love it. I wish you would talk to me, but I can only wish. How silly I am. Learning to fail is a most interesting affair. I'm beginning to see that failure's first and greatest stab is at one's pride (or vanity, whichever is more applicable). Perhaps only when you've learnt to fail with grace can you truly grieve over what you really have lost. I want to go to the UK now, I exclaim like a brat.

[July 2nd 2009 6:44pm] Praise God, it's over! Now it's time for a good rest. There are times when I feel like my dad treats me like a grade-churning machine.. But well, there are times too when I think my dad's really cute the way he deals with his work. Cute in a silly sort of way. I love my sister! I wonder if I'll find anyone whom I respect more (: On Sunday night my mum offered to pray with me before I went to bed. I think I could almost have cried then, because it's been so long since she last did that. On a different note, I can't get my head round what Darcy says: Pride, where there is a great superiority of mind, will always be under good regulation. There are many things we say, which are meant to convince ourselves, and not others.

echoes through creation [June 27th 2009 9:55pm] 1. Been spending a lot of time in church. Tomorrow will be my fifth time in church this week! I don't think I've done this since camp comm, not even last year. But it's been great, I'm very thankful to God for placing me in worship team again this year (: at least worhip pracs and time with God have been keeping me from going cranky, and most of the time made me much happier. So praise God for that! Tomorrow is youth Sunday, hope it goes nicely and His name be blessed. 2. Having said that, mugging time has decreased substantially. But what to do - do my best and hope I can bring God glory (: 3. I need proper sleep. I used to lose sleep because of stress, used to plan sea history essays all over and have random nationalist movements and dates spring out. Now I lose sleep for no proper reason, though it's partly because worship songs have been playing on loop and my mind is just so annoyingly active. I've been waking up at 3 the past two nights!! 4. I must say that I haven't been talking much to anyone from school other than audrey, a little of Titus at tuition, and chloe that day. I can't imagine social life in September and October. At least I'm still talking to humans in church at the moment. 5. Blogging on the phone is pretty convenient, haha. 6. Take care my friends I hope y'all are reasonably happy and sane!

if life flies me by [May 16th 2009 11:34pm] There was supposed to be a happy post accompanying this post, but I've kind of lost the mood. Dance night was fab, especially the SYF dances that were breathtaking and really affected you deeply. And I love the balloon dance. Life has been busy, for all the wrong reasons. ( 15 May 10:38PM )

[May 13th 2009 9:53pm] I thought this bit would be a breeze.. This is the last thing we can do for them now, to push really hard for what they all want, and for these people who don't deserve to be treated this way. Time to put on our armours, tomorrow we're warring!! So tired of arguing. I demand a coup :( God, please we need a miracle.

[May 9th 2009 10:58pm] I'm in the mood for a mindless post. Busking was mighty fun. My first Saturday out was well spent! Canning around wheelock where human traffic goes in cycles, with rock bands in the background (therefore the people you try to persuade to donate cannot actually hear a thing you say!), and meeting Wu Zun and having silly Asian food channel people filming the rock band and doing insanely retarded things with the singer and guitarists. And kudos to the people who set up and moved everything back until 9++ in school! Hope tomorrow goes just as great for them (: Had dinner at grandma's for the first time this entire term, I think. Granddad was rather sweet, because I suspect the only reason why he brought back nuts from his roast meat stall was because the last time I visited him at his stall I wanted to take some nuts to eat on my way off. And grandma's food was marvellous as usual. Haven't done any work this weekend. I feel like I just need this weekend off to rest. I can't believe I had to defend a chocolate heart today, sigh.

when all my days are over [May 6th 2009 10:23pm] Well, what can I say. How much anxiety there was before we went on stage - the broken spring, the judges' conductor scores being fetched like we were racing against time, etc etc. I think it was then, in the tuning room, that I really learnt to trust God for today. We prayed that the scores would reach in time (and it seemed we had only 10 minutes to spare!) and had to trust that it would be so. I felt so sorry for making him anxious for that short while. Anxiety would do nothing, spreading it would be worse. So the solution was to smile, and try to be an anchor for those who were unable to smile. Lo and behold while band no. 9 was playing, she dropped the message that all was safe. To be honest when the results were first released, I didn't know how to respond. There was a momentary silence that felt so unsettling, and then someone started cheering, and so I joined cheering intermittently, because I knew we deserved the cheer. Not knowing how to feel is a terrible feeling. Being disappointed whilst knowing you need not be too disappointed, being reasonably satisfied (it may have been worse..?? nah) but not to the point of being happy, being affirmed by the music but not by the award.. or feeling like crying but like you ought not to cry. I guess what made the difference was him saying that we played very well. He said it so candidly, spontaneously and sincerely. And it's true. It wasn't our potential best, but probably our best under pressure. And we were all in there, in the anxiety, in the beauty of the piece together (our dear conductor included). He smiled on stage, we peaked with control and we eyed him like crazyyyy, and so much more that we can't put into words. We made good music - and we must remind ourselves that that is what matters most to the heart of the musician. Awards are affirmations, not necessarily reflections. We achieved much more than a gold today. Not just in our music! When I look back at how far we've come, I think it's just been amazing. In November when we first got the piece (super challenging x 1000), we struggled so hard and we had to grapple that alongside absolutely dismal attendance. And then all the inconsistencies through February and March, and spats of worry and discouragement. But now I daresay everyone really cares - substantially at least (this is satisficing)! The spirit with which we've practised and played, and the joy of gathering today at dinner, were things we couldn't have done/had previously. And all thanks due to many many people, esp my dear co-leaders. In all, really very proud of the band (: Well done rjcsb! Stay strong. Everyone of you deserves to smile today. And thank you for everything - the good and the not-so-good (but I think the good makes up for everything that was difficult to get through!). I feel like I've got more to say about today but I can't exactly pull it all together now. So, well, in a funny sort of way, and unexpectedly as well, I might say this could have been my best SYF experience of the 3.. (: (Ahh talking to MO is making me cry out of happiness. It's like a dream come true. And I was just writing to Matthew about idealised worlds meeting reality!)

band it like us (: [May 4th 2009 10:19pm] For everything, there's definitely attachment. Band has been a happy place these weeks - not always, but often enough. There's fatigue too, but I'm just so glad that everyone's pressing on together, still coming, still working away, still listening. After all this effort, I know we can do really really well -- if nothing goes wrong and we learn to be real consistent -- and if we keep clinging to our big dreams of making impressive sparkly moving music, perhaps they'll come true (: These few pracs while playing I can't help but imagine the backdrop behind MO being a concert hall with its dim lights and pink seats and all, and imagine MO in his smart suit and us in our uniforms and court shoes, playing like it's our one time. It's setting in... that tomorrow is the last prac, that 6 years with MO will officially end soon (but unofficially continue for a while more), that we're handing over soon.. 2 days. COME ON RJCSB we can do it!

faith & truth [April 12th 2009 10:41pm] A weekend of many unexpected things. At the end of the day, there is still much to thank God for. Most of all for dying for our sins and being raised again (: ( The least cryptic it'll get )

?! [April 6th 2009 10:39pm] I hate irrational me. Or is it rational me that I can't stand?

revelations [April 5th 2009 7:17pm] remember the height from which you have fallen

[April 2nd 2009 9:09pm] As I was telling Kristie, I don't know what to make of today. I feel as if something had played an April fools' prank on all of us yesterday and left us all feeling sorely miserable today, all for individual reasons. On another note, I am very thankful to God.

lay your crowns [April 1st 2009 11:16pm] Today we saw a reflection of ourselves. (But not in everyone) For those who hurt, it might have hurt a little harder than it did two years ago. Perhaps it suffices that we understand this, because we might not understand the full depth of the disappointment this time around. But as long as you never give up on yourselves, as long as you continue to invest all your heart in your music and play with pride that you are an rgs band girl, all who've walked your path will still be proud of you, have faith in you, and love you the same. I miss rgssb incredibly. I'm glad we chose to scurry around SCH, back to RJ and back to RG today. A most timely reminder of things and passions past, and at the same time a poignant cause of reflection on things present. I don't know if another two years down the road we will still be doing this, when we no longer know people in the band personally. It's partly the people whom you rejoice over or ache for. An award without a sense of the toil is but empty glory or shame. On another note, it's changing. It's all changing. We could start talking and hardly stop. And happy sweet sixteen, direct (:

what surrounds comes around [March 31st 2009 11:23pm] This sounds a tad crazy. Last week I walked out of common tests thinking examinations were quite a fascinating thing. It's one of the clearest observations you'll ever get of different lives being lived simultaneously (not just concurrently) before your eyes. Just take the last minute of the paper for instance. You've got a couple of people capping their pens triumphantly, many with thoughts still shooting through their head and hands trembling to finish (and glancing at the second hand of the clock or the invigilator every now and then), a couple who've just jerked in their seats because they've discovered a vital mistake and need to correct it in thirty seconds. That's for a typical math paper. For lit the variations are so striking. The same papers, same stock of time being lived through, a different struggle for everyone. And to top that off, so much remains unsaid between the marker and the examined.. so much. For tomorrow: ALL THE BEST RGSSB! WE LOVE YOU AND WE HAVE FAITH IN YOU :D

[March 10th 2009 11:34pm] I thank God because: 1. We have a full band! A couple of months ago we were worrying if we could even fill parts that we desperately needed, if parts were sufficiently strong, etc. etc. And now! Oboe, bass clar, bassoon, basses, alto flute, perc, and nicely staffed sections. Praise the Lord! 2. Music was enjoyable today! 3. I sang to myself today. I haven't had the mood to do that in weeks and weeks. 4. We had lovely ice cream for humanz. 5. On the way out of RI I had the awesome privilege of gazing at the amazing moon! Completely made my night with its splendour, thanks to our Creator (: 6. I guess I still believe in people. 7. But, I think if I didn't know God, I wouldn't know goodness, because there's too little of it in us.

dislocation [March 7th 2009 12:43am] I was about to take a photo - pushed the key downwards halfway and watched the screen toggle sharp and foggy. Then I asked myself: is this something you'd like to remember? I know all that's been said. I don't know if I believe all of it - anymore. Sometimes I'm sure I do, sometimes. Noble motivations applied to different ends may warrant varying levels of admiration, nonetheless. There was once she underlined, rather aptly, the essence of what makes these worth treasuring. Based on that yardstick there leaves much to be desired. Very much. How much it takes to be silent. I didn't take that shot.

I can't understand [February 19th 2009 12:43am] There are times when you get everything you want. That's called satisfying. There are times when good things come at your expense. That's called sacrificing. There are times when you get a portion of what you desire, and you be content with it. That's called satisficing. (Satisfice to be exact, but anyway -) Today I wondered.. It would make our lives so much easier if we simply (most simply and simplistically) stopped trying, stopped talking reason in the face of nonsense, gave in to the bare that you'd offer and work within those silly boundaries. Why don't we? Why? Why won't I let myself? Hmmm.. perhaps because you're placating us with no parallel of economic success anyway. But I don't think that's the reason. When this year ends I might do something radical. (I just need to figure out how) It's always about you. When have you ever thought about us?

JOY TO THE WORLD! [December 25th 2008 2:16am] For a couple of years, Christmas time has always gotten me reading this passage, somehow, sometime. But this year when I read it whilst I was in London, every word of it seemed to tug at something inside me, every word was so weighted and spoke so richly of God's majesty. It truly calls you to worship. And so I'd like to share this Christmas of how much light Jesus can be for a world that is crumbling and groping in darkness, for us, you and me, fallen creations of God - and no less dearly loved. If God convicts, His word will speak strongly and boldly on its own. Nevertheless, there will be no more gloom for those who were in distress. In the past he humbled the land of Zebulun and the land of Naphtali, but in the future he will honour the Galilee of the Gentiles, by the way of the sea, along the Jordan - The people walking in darkness have seen a great light; on those living in the land of the shadow of death a light has dawned. You have enlarged the nation and increased their joy; they rejoice before you as people rejoice at the harvest, as men rejoice when dividing the plunder. For as in the day of Midian's defeat, you have shattered the yoke that burdens them, the bar across their shoulders, the rod of their oppressor. Every warrior's boot used in battle and every garment rolled in blood will be destined for burning, will be fuel for the fire. For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace. Of the increase of his government and peace there will be no end. He will reign on David's throne and over his kingdom, establishing and upholding it with justice and righteousness from that time on and forever. The zeal of the Lord Almighty will accomplish this. - Isaiah 9:1-7

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