| little existence |
[November 26th 2009 1:16am] |
1. H2s are over!! Thank God for His sustenance and provision (: It's been tough, very tough... and that's November come and almost gone, strangely rather different from September.
2. On Saturday night I stayed up really late talking with a church friend, whom I feel has grown somewhat in these 2-3 years that I've known him slightly better. At the end of it I had blessed by the conversation and I felt like I had the chance to bless him too, which made me really happy before when I went to bed. There's something elusive and inexplicable about spiritual understanding. I'm thankful I've the chance to experience it.
3. Childhood song that came to mind after a longer-than-usual QT on a confusing day interspersed with anger at myself:
Did you ever talk to God above?
Tell Him that you need a friend to love
Pray in Jesus' name believing that
God answers prayers
Have you told Him all your cares and woes
Every tiny little fear He knows
You can know He'll always hear
And He will answer prayers
You can whisper in a crowd to Him
You can cry when you're alone to Him
You don't have to pray out loud to Him
He knows your thoughts
On a lofty mountain peak He's there
In the meadow by a stream He's there
Everywhere on earth you go
He's been there from the start
Find the answer in His word it's true
You'll be strong because He walks with you
By His faithfulness He'll change you too
God answers prayers
Lovely, isn't it? So lovely.
4. I missed my bus stop today... because I was playing scramble on my phone. But that was alright, because I took the longer walk back to my block and passed by the pool area. There were so many stars tonight, which surprised me because I always thought it impossible to see a starlit sky in the bright city area with tall buildings that limit the expanse of the sky directly above you. But tonight I stared and stared so more would come out of hiding... I even saw three of them aligned in a straight line (which probably means something in astrology). It was so pretty.
5. I love love love 1A.
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| the strength to stand |
[November 13th 2009 6:54pm] |
Thank God (: halfway there, and by His grace, surviving despite being sick for a week now. It was the worst on Tuesday and Wednesday when the fever hit. All I wanted to do after math paper 1 was to cry. But I've been learning to believe with my heart that "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in your weakness." I'm giving my best, my best within my time and my capacity, which might have been a smaller capacity this week, but I believe God is in control. My most sincere apologies to the people in the history hall and the math/gp rooms for being a most noisy candidate to sit around/next to. I don't time my coughs to distract you :( and thanks to my friends for the concern this week, esp to Audrey and Jiawei.
At random times while studying I spot scribblings on my notes and outlines, like Audrey's jiayun!!!!! :D and HIGHLY MOTIVATED! (and many more) and Shinyi's drawings of bright and happy suns (in purple) and teaching me how to spell doppelganger when I learnt the word in lit. I remember once Rachel scribbled to complain that the boys stank after PE (agreed wholeheartedly). Amusing little things..
Okay I've effectively done nothing today, except sleep and slack. 20 days to the end (:
Before next week I need to 1) get well, and 2) figure out how to finish a lit paper in time!!
Take care loves. I'll be glad to pray for/with you if anyone needs prayer!
Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.
( voice of truth )
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[October 3rd 2009 9:03pm] |
Take my life and let it be consecrated Lord, to Thee.
Take my moments and my days, let them flow in ceaseless praise.
Take my hands and let them move at the impulse of thy love.
Take my feet and let them be swift and beautiful for thee.
Take my voice and let me sing always, only for my King.
Take my lips and let them be filled with messages from Thee.
Take my silver and my gold, not a might would I withhold.
Take my intellect and use every power as you choose.
Here am I, all of me.
Take my life, it's all for thee.
Take my will and make it Thine it shall be no longer mine.
Take my heart it is thine own; it shall be Thy royal throne.
Take my love, my Lord I pour, at Your feet its treasure store
Take myself and I will be ever, only, all for Thee,
Take myself and I will be ever, only, all for Thee.
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| let them flow in ceaseless praise |
[September 29th 2009 10:08am] |
Praise God (: I'm really thankful to God that it's over, and for sustaining me through it all (: Save for the random panic streaks via sms to Audrey, my stress level was quite controlled.. I think. I felt an occasional bout of nostalgia while studying for H3, but yay yesterday brought an end to 4 of the most tiring days of studying this month.
Surprisingly over this month I've actually caught up with quite a few people. Staying at home, I've obviously been spending time with my sister. Been catching up quite regularly with Sam, who still has no resolve to study. Talked a good deal with Tabi and a little to Lennard at the stress relief party on Saturday, which was a really nice time of worship and prayer as well. And a couple more people just within last night alone, on top of my darlings yesterday afternoon in our usual post-exam outings. Feels good!
So much of this consists of waiting..
These little things make all the difference! I won't be greedy and ask for too much. I just hope I get little things now and then (: And I will think about them and smile. Pray for patience and for God's plan.
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| circles and swirls |
[September 20th 2009 6:23pm] |
The condo had the mid-autumn festival celebration downstairs yesterday. They do it yearly, but they've gotten visibly more stingy with their expenditure. No more lanterns lighting up the whole poolside area, no more long tables sprawling with mooncakes and friendly housewives teaching you how to make them. Only the noise remains. Terrible hosts, as usual. Nothing much else authentic to the festival. They had someone come to breathe fire yesterday -- for mid-autumn? Of course the little kids still light their lanterns, just as we used to do. But they're plastic. The papers ones are more fascinating -- especially when you're careless and end up burning the whole paper lantern. We used to leave the pink and yellow wax on the ground, and some other day walk past whilst going for a swim and feel guilty enough to scrape it off. Those at my grandpa's at Jervois road we never scrapped off though. Anyway, there's very little of Singapore - much less of the Chinese - in my condo. Japanese, Korean, Indian, Russian and Australian (next door), etc. Makes me wonder if there would have been any more neighbourliness had we lived in a more local community. Or maybe it's just the type of housing. Little kids don't run around up and down little hills and make up daredevils' clubs here. They lug their bloated air dinosaurs and mattresses and lounge around in the pool, and sometimes they take those huge sponge poles and whack the water surface and the sound reverberates through the whole condo because the five blocks encircle the pool.
Thanks to God, I am happy, and was particularly so this morning. Prelims, prelims, I've actually been messing up more than usual, which is totally the wrong time to be messing up. But this is no time to be angry at myself. There is only time to learn and to trust God.
There are things you don't want to remember, and yet cannot forget. Not that you are not letting yourself forget. It just replays, and replays... more and more painful each time.
It makes me wince, and yet feel bad for wincing.
On the other hand, there are some... inventions, that I do wish were reality.
In the ill-judged execution of the well-judged plan of things the call seldom produces the comer, the man to love rarely coincides with the hour for loving. Nature does not often say 'See!' to her poor creature at a time when seeing can lead to happy doing; or reply 'Here!' to a body's cry of 'Where?' till the hide-and-seek has become an irksome outworn game.
Thomas Hardy
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[September 16th 2009 8:40pm] |
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Oh, the mind is indeed very open to the power of suggestion.
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| from earth into eternity |
[September 6th 2009 10:57pm] |
Happy (: I feel almost stupid being happy. But I am happy. Or perhaps joyful should be the better word. Of course I have my bouts of stress still. But I realised much of it has flown away now that the application's been submitted (thank God). A little thing almost eclipsed my joy this morning, but I've prayed about it, and I feel much better now. Tiring week, tiring day. Yesterday night at 100% was great though. Perhaps not the best 100% some say, but it was refreshing and! I was genuinely glad worshipping God.
Hope you've been holding out, loves. Three weeks, three weeks, come on we can do this.
I feel like I've posted this sometime recently, but nonetheless...
Great is Thy faithfulness, O God my Father;
There is no shadow of turning with Thee;
Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail not;
As Thou hast been, Thou forever will be.
Great is Thy faithfulness!
Great is Thy faithfulness!
Morning by morning new mercies I see.
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided;
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!
Summer and winter and springtime and harvest,
Sun, moon and stars in their courses above
Join with all nature in manifold witness
To Thy great faithfulness, mercy and love.
Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth
Thine own dear presence to cheer and to guide;
Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow,
Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside!
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[August 30th 2009 9:24pm] |
Paul and Silas in Prison
Once when we were going to the place of prayer, we were met by a slave girl who had a spirit by which she predicted the future. She earned a great deal of money for her owners by fortune-telling. This girl followed Paul and the rest of us, shouting, "These men are servants of the Most High God, who are telling you the way to be saved." She kept this up for many days. Finally Paul became so troubled that he turned around and said to the spirit, "In the name of Jesus Christ I command you to come out of her!" At that moment the spirit left her.
When the owners of the slave girl realized that their hope of making money was gone, they seized Paul and Silas and dragged them into the marketplace to face the authorities. They brought them before the magistrates and said, "These men are Jews, and are throwing our city into an uproar by advocating customs unlawful for us Romans to accept or practice."
The crowd joined in the attack against Paul and Silas, and the magistrates ordered them to be stripped and beaten. After they had been severely flogged, they were thrown into prison, and the jailer was commanded to guard them carefully. Upon receiving such orders, he put them in the inner cell and fastened their feet in the stocks.
About midnight Paul and Silas were praying and singing hymns to God, and the other prisoners were listening to them. Suddenly there was such a violent earthquake that the foundations of the prison were shaken. At once all the prison doors flew open, and everybody's chains came loose. The jailer woke up, and when he saw the prison doors open, he drew his sword and was about to kill himself because he thought the prisoners had escaped. But Paul shouted, "Don't harm yourself! We are all here!"
The jailer called for lights, rushed in and fell trembling before Paul and Silas. He then brought them out and asked, "Sirs, what must I do to be saved?"
They replied, "Believe in the Lord Jesus, and you will be saved — you and your household." Then they spoke the word of the Lord to him and to all the others in his house. At that hour of the night the jailer took them and washed their wounds; then immediately he and all his family were baptized. The jailer brought them into his house and set a meal before them; he was filled with joy because he had come to believe in God—he and his whole family.
Acts 16:16-34
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[August 26th 2009 8:14pm] |
Immediately Jesus made the disciples get into the boat and go on ahead of him to the other side, while he dismissed the crowd. After he had dismissed them, he went up on a mountainside by himself to pray.
When evening came, he was there alone, but the boat was already a considerable distance from land, buffeted by the waves because the wind was against it.
During the fourth watch of the night Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. "It's a ghost," they said, and cried out in fear.
But Jesus immediately said to them: "Take courage! It is I. Don't be afraid."
"Lord, if it's you," Peter replied, "tell me to come to you on the water."
"Come," he said.
Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, "Lord, save me!"
Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. "You of little faith," he said, "why did you doubt?"
And when they climbed into the boat, the wind died down. Then those who were in the boat worshiped him, saying, "Truly you are the Son of God."
- Matthew 14:22-34
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| everyday |
[August 14th 2009 10:26pm] |
I really love what i'm studying. Reading about vietminh's victory I feel like perhaps I can share that pride and taste the sweetness of that victorious unification. I think about our favourite HCM relishing the fruits of his labour, after fighting since his twenties, thirties, even in his fifties, commanding guerillas to make shoes out of tyres. That's it - i truly respect these people we learn about. Their will, their skill, their sensitivity, their ambition. Nothing you get too much of around little singapore.
I looked over my very first econs essay last week. It was immensely mortifying. I was much more stupid. But it's been a journey. A walk at times, a prance at others; a trudge through mud at times, a skip in the air at others. Not only for econs. Can't say I grew this much academically in rgs, not in a way that was intimately related to who I am and how I think. I will miss jc when it ends. The touch of finality to everything now is rather a pity sometimes.
My friends are amazing people.
They keep me thinking, feeling, yearning, living. Thank you.
When the stress comes, it's so tempting to let church go. But no, I'm going to hold fast to leading cell, playing in worship team, trusting in my God behind the huge giant Goliath.
I miss band.
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| hold on to patience |
[August 7th 2009 10:13pm] |
Right now I'm tearing my hair out because I can't find the right words. I can't capture what I wish to. I wish I were a better writer. Since I lack inspiration, I shall turn to another form of writing.
Yesterday Mr B. commented on the insensitivity of Gatsby in flaunting his mistress because it places his acquaintances in a difficult position. An awkward one, I tasted a little of when I was young. Back then, after those big family dinners at posh restaurants, these three cousins of mine used to come by my house to play Doctor, Doctor, or Teacher, Teacher. Then the adults would sit in the living room and discuss work, stocks, us. They don't come by anymore, but we still meet them at family dinners. But the woman beside their dad is a different one now. I was 10 or 12, I can't remember. After our own dinner that day we hung around the escalator on the 5th level of paragon. I saw my uncle walk by with his arm round a lady's shoulders. She had long hair. My auntie had short hair. They went down the escalator. Being the bratty smartie I was, I called after my uncle, though he didn't turn back. Not at once, at least. I told my dad, who said I must have been mistaken. I must have had enough scepticism of men back then to have maintained that I wasn't (television dramas, I think). A little while later my uncle came up the escalator -- alone -- to greet us and talk to us for a bit. I don't remember if I looked at him with knowing eyes, but he must have hated me. A couple of years later they divorced and he married the other woman. It sticks in my memory though, it just sticks, the whole scene. I saw infidelity while it was still Infidelity, before it became Unfaithfulness masquerading in a Legally Legitimate Marriage. I have no respect for him, and sometimes I wonder if his children do. It doesn't matter if they love each other, or not. That isn't the point. The point is he crossed the line while he was still bound. Or maybe it's just me.
These days every conversation lapses into something about university. It's terribly worrying a subject, yet altogether so exciting. I can't wait to learn many new things, perhaps live a different life, be the same person, but peer at the world through many more different eyes. If at the end of the day we don't get to where we want to go, this is the closest we'll get to our dreams. Of course we hope we'll be closer. We hope we'll live through them. Dreams.
( a little surprise, like your love )
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| how lovely is your dwelling place |
[July 26th 2009 8:55pm] |
Allow me to, for a moment, unleash my inner geek and just say how much I've been enjoying H3. Lecture on friday was so fascinating I didn't want to end at all. At all! I'm sorry if this makes me sound like a sponge but I learned a lot more that afternoon than the previous ones spent ploughing through an article and presenting group by group. And I think when we started off in J1 and were taken through the nature of economics, I wondered why in the world we needed to know the difference between positive and normative statements, other than to classify statements. But now reading and reading is placing these terms at the centre of what makes it the academic study it is, at the heart of debates, and some of its full significance becomes clear. Okay I'm really not doing this whole academic love thing justice because I write so poorly but oh I will miss this a lot if I move on to something else in uni. But then again I believe my uni choice will keep me in constant awe too. I guess partly why H3 is like a brain saviour right now is because so much of the H2s have been turning and turning in our heads for so long already and it's getting kind of dull. Yet again, interational econs is very tough :( but will press on.
I spent a full day on God-related endeavours yesterday. A very tiring day but I loved every bit of it. I feel like the more the A-levels are beckoning my time, the more I want to spend it on God. Perhaps there's a bit of escapism at work there. In any case, pastor's message at hillsongs concert was really perceptive (: One of the most perceptive interpretations of scripture I've heard preached in a very long while. MTM really set me thinking, and so I'm thankful God led me to go. Hillsongs was great aside from the rock concert feel especially towards the end, and people fanatically jumping while singing words that I am quite certain they will not act on. I must say I am quite sceptical of pastors who use Hallelujahs like fullstops and commas, and have big words like Faith Grace Liberty strewn all over single sentences such that they don't make any sincere or common sense, or give the impression that if you're a Christian then God will give you finances and perfect health, etc., because that just isn't the case and isn't the point anyway. But alright, alright, regulate my critism.
Out of interest, this is Galbraith on vested interests, which I think is a perceptive definition:
The notion of a vested interest has an engaging flexibility in our social usage. In ordinary intercourse, it is an improper advantage enjoyed by a political minority to which the speaker does not himself belong. When the speaker himself enjoys it, it ceases to be a vested interest and becomes a hard-won reward. When a vested interest is enjoyed not by the minority but a majority, it is a human right.
Psalms 84
1 How lovely is your dwelling place,
O LORD Almighty!
2 My soul yearns, even faints,
for the courts of the LORD;
my heart and my flesh cry out
for the living God.
3 Even the sparrow has found a home,
and the swallow a nest for herself,
where she may have her young—
a place near your altar,
O LORD Almighty, my King and my God.
4 Blessed are those who dwell in your house;
they are ever praising you.
Selah
5 Blessed are those whose strength is in you,
who have set their hearts on pilgrimage.
6 As they pass through the Valley of Baca,
they make it a place of springs;
the autumn rains also cover it with pools.
7 They go from strength to strength,
till each appears before God in Zion.
8 Hear my prayer, O LORD God Almighty;
listen to me, O God of Jacob.
9 Look upon our shield, O God;
look with favor on your anointed one.
10 Better is one day in your courts
than a thousand elsewhere;
I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God
than dwell in the tents of the wicked.
11 For the LORD God is a sun and shield;
the LORD bestows favor and honor;
no good thing does he withhold
from those whose walk is blameless.
12 O LORD Almighty,
blessed is the man who trusts in you.
And lastly,
Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like you have loved me
Break my heart for what breaks yours
Everything I am for your kingdom's cause
As I go from nothing to
Eternity
I realised a couple of months ago that the reason why I felt like I wasn't living in that instant was because I couldn't grasp the concept of eternity. Or infinity for that matter. It's an odd instant when you feel like you're pulling your perspective back from the real world and trying to place yourself or that moment in time and location... somewhere. I can't get my head round it still, but that's partly the point, I guess - that eternity is beyond what we can grasp.
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| I've got rhythm |
[July 16th 2009 10:03pm] |
Withdrawal, withdrawal. Ardross Castle's been playing in my head all day, if not it's the Third Man Theme or Takarajima.
I tried so hard to grasp every moment as it passed. I love that feeling, that smiling on stage because you just can't help it. Can't bear to have it end. Many things slipped by unconsciously, especially when I made mistakes (and there were many). But no matter, it was the happiest concert I've ever played in. I'm thankful, so thankful, to God for blessing me immensely these six years. I don't know what life would have been like if I hadn't encountered music this way. Or if I hadn't encountered this strange passion that ebbs despite the currents countering it, despite it being incomprehensible to much of the world elsewhere. It seems so utterly senseless sometimes, but still we do it.
Thank you band! And thank you to our best, most esteemed and cutest conductor.
I will miss this all, quite terribly. After all, it's been such a significant part of my life for so long. The stage may never be ours again. The music we smile at will belong to others. I guess it's enough that we shared it once.
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[July 13th 2009 11:35pm] |
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Tomorrow will be my last band prac with MO after six years.
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| open doors |
[July 11th 2009 11:36pm] |
When I entered the car yesterday, I told Dad I have a lot to thank God for. It's true - God has been very faithful. I would have been prepared to say this even if I had gotten worse grades, because above all, I'd like to thank Him most for joy. I haven't been this happy all year. And it's a very odd time to be this happy. Term 2 was my monster term; for some reason I feel like term 3 will be easier, at least emotionally and spiritually, despite the intensity of the studying. It's too early to tell. In any case, I am truly joyful now. It does feel odd, being glad. I confess that when my friends cannot share such joy, my heart goes out to them, but I cannot understand. But I can perceive brokenness behind smiles. You can't blame them for smiling, even if it could make them plastic people. There is a strength in such fronts that warrants a good deal of admiration.
I love my teachers.
That day I chatted briefly with Mr Tay while we were going downstairs. It strangely mirrored our conversation last year about the promo paper (in content, action and location). It's funny how he can use a math paper to teach me about having faith in difficult situations in life, however horrible it feels. Looking back on the past year I guess one of the things JC has taught me has been how to truly respect people. I don't mean I never respected people before JC, but I guess I never felt or understood appreciation and admiration as I do now (however little/much this understanding is). I have to say I love it when teachers bother about the stuff their students are made of in their hearts and not just their heads.
(It was so shallow. It was all about competition.)
We had HISSOC farewell today. Thank you J1s it was lovely, and thank you to our gracious host. J2s - will miss you all very much! This is an EXCO that is undoubtedly worth remembering, every single one of you, because everyone has such a special personality, and this mash of talents, ideas and personalities has made for such a fun, enjoyable, superb year. Thank you so much <3
A Tempo / Limelight is in 4 days!
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| like eagles |
[July 4th 2009 8:09pm] |
Jiayun is happy because she knows what she wants to do with life.
At least for now.
It feels so good and relieving having direction regarding what one would honestly like to do. I thank God for wisdom.
Kite-flying yesterday was a blast! I can't believe it was the first time I flew a kite (which does not, however, mean that I did not have a childhood!). Urkh was so carefree. Watching him up there made me feel carefree - a sort of liberation that couches itself upon the liberation of another.
All four of us went into the making of Urkh. He will roam the skies again on Thursday. It would be such a joyful thing to be like Urkh, only less hideous please.
Now I look like a roast turkey, albeit an unappetising one, and my shoulders hurt (I can't even carry a tote bag).
I'm so thankful for friends who keep me off the ground!
I've been savouring singlehood. It looks and feels different after you've been out of it briefly, but I love it.
I wish you would talk to me, but I can only wish.
How silly I am.
Learning to fail is a most interesting affair. I'm beginning to see that failure's first and greatest stab is at one's pride (or vanity, whichever is more applicable). Perhaps only when you've learnt to fail with grace can you truly grieve over what you really have lost.
I want to go to the UK now, I exclaim like a brat.
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[July 2nd 2009 6:44pm] |
Praise God, it's over!
Now it's time for a good rest.
There are times when I feel like my dad treats me like a grade-churning machine.. But well, there are times too when I think my dad's really cute the way he deals with his work. Cute in a silly sort of way.
I love my sister! I wonder if I'll find anyone whom I respect more (:
On Sunday night my mum offered to pray with me before I went to bed. I think I could almost have cried then, because it's been so long since she last did that.
On a different note, I can't get my head round what Darcy says:
Pride, where there is a great superiority of mind, will always be under good regulation.
There are many things we say, which are meant to convince ourselves, and not others.
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| echoes through creation |
[June 27th 2009 9:55pm] |
1. Been spending a lot of time in church. Tomorrow will be my fifth time in church this week! I don't think I've done this since camp comm, not even last year. But it's been great, I'm very thankful to God for placing me in worship team again this year (: at least worhip pracs and time with God have been keeping me from going cranky, and most of the time made me much happier. So praise God for that! Tomorrow is youth Sunday, hope it goes nicely and His name be blessed.
2. Having said that, mugging time has decreased substantially. But what to do - do my best and hope I can bring God glory (:
3. I need proper sleep. I used to lose sleep because of stress, used to plan sea history essays all over and have random nationalist movements and dates spring out. Now I lose sleep for no proper reason, though it's partly because worship songs have been playing on loop and my mind is just so annoyingly active. I've been waking up at 3 the past two nights!!
4. I must say that I haven't been talking much to anyone from school other than audrey, a little of Titus at tuition, and chloe that day. I can't imagine social life in September and October. At least I'm still talking to humans in church at the moment.
5. Blogging on the phone is pretty convenient, haha.
6. Take care my friends I hope y'all are reasonably happy and sane!
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| if life flies me by |
[May 16th 2009 11:34pm] |
There was supposed to be a happy post accompanying this post, but I've kind of lost the mood.
Dance night was fab, especially the SYF dances that were breathtaking and really affected you deeply. And I love the balloon dance.
Life has been busy, for all the wrong reasons.
( 15 May 10:38PM )
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