A Very Bad Boy

“He called you a werewolf’s bitch?”

“Uh-huh.”

“And you blew up his cauldron for it?”

“Yep.”

“But Sirius…you are a werewolf’s bitch.”

“Yes, Moony?”

“Is it true?”

“Is what true?”

“Is it true that you got detention again today from Slughorn?”

“Er…maybe.”

“Argh!”

“Are you angry?”

“Oh, you think I’m angry?”

“You’re scary when you use that tone.”

“What tone?”

“That you-are-in-so-much-trouble-I-am-so-going-to-whip-you tone.”

“That’s ridiculous, Sirius. I’m the one with the calm temperament, remember?”

“Er…”

“What do you mean ‘er…’?”

“Well, you were the one with the calm temperament.”

“I was?”

“You’ve changed.”

“Since when?”

“Since—since we started…you know.”

“And I ask yet again. Since when?”

“Since I kissed you for the first time.”

“Oh. I see. Since you kissed me.”

“Something like that.”

“No, not something like that. If I remember correctly—and you know I always do—I’m the one who kissed you.”

“Well…yeah, okay. Anyway, you’ve changed.”

“And what if I have? Do you have a problem with it?”

“Me? Of course not. I actually think it’s very kinky when you go all dominatrix.”

“I do not ‘go dominatrix’ as you’ve so kindly called it.”

“Do, too.”

“…”

“…”

“Is it annoying?”

“No! I like it.”

“In that case…What did you do this time to make Slughorn so mad at you? You’re one of his favorite students!”

“Nothing—it wasn’t my fault.”

“Wasn’t—oh, no. This wouldn’t have anything to do with Snape, would it?”

“No!”

“Sirius.”

“Okay…maybe.”

“Sirius.”

“Yes.”

“What did you do to him?”

“Made his cauldron explode.”

“You made his cauldron explode.”

“Me and Prongs.”

“You say that like you’d say ‘I just made Head Boy!’”

“I make ‘Head’ Boy every night.”

“…”

“You were saying something?”

“Y—yes, back—back to Snivellus—I mean Snape.”

“Yes.”

“Don’t smirk.”

“Sorry.”

“Why did you make his cauldron explode? Again?”

“I had to!”

“Why?”

“For being a slimy git. Always making ‘the perfect potion.’ I swear he cheats.”

“Have you ever considered the possibility that he may just have a natural talent for potions?”

“Snivellus doesn’t have a natural talent for anything except producing the greatest amount of oil on his scalp.”

“Sirius.”

“Okay, okay. Sorry.”

“For what?”

“For upsetting you.”

“So you’re not sorry for that remark about Snape?”

“No.”

“And you don’t feel the least shred of remorse for blowing up his cauldron?”

“No.”

“Sirius!”

“What?”

“You are the most insensitive wart I know!”

“No. Snivellus is the most insensitive wart you know. Do you know what he was saying about me?”

“What was he saying?”

“He said that I’m a disgusting sodomite and that I should be locked up and put down for being a werewolf’s bitch.”

“He called you a werewolf’s bitch?”

“Uh-huh.”

“And you blew up his cauldron for it?”

“Yep.”

“But Sirius…you are a werewolf’s bitch.”

“I know. But that doesn’t mean I need to hear it from the likes of him.”

“…”

“What?”

“You’ll never change, will you?”

“Nope.”

“And what happened to your promise that you’d never again do anything to Snape?”

“That doesn’t count.”

“Why doesn’t it count?”

“Because you made me promise right before you made me come.”

“So?”

“So I would’ve promised anything at that point.”

“So?”

“So that’s cheating.”

“So?”

“So is this conversation over?”

“You don’t want to talk to me anymore?”

“I want to do more than just talk, Moony.”

“No way.”

“What? Why not?”

“Unless you get some sort of punishment for what you did—”

“But I am getting punished. I just got detention for a week!”

“At this point, getting a detention for you is like having a shave. You can’t go for three days without one.”

“Then I suppose you want to punish me personally, in which case…”

“If I punish you personally, you’ll never leave Snape alone for the rest of his life.”

“Mmm…yeah. It’ll be nice, no?”

“No.”

“…”

“So until you learn to be at least civil to Snape, no sex.”

“WHAT? You can’t do that!”

“I think I can.”

“But I’ll die!”

“You’ll die without sex?”

“I’ll wither away.”

“So if I had to go somewhere and we were separated from each other for, say, a year, you’d go bugger someone else?”

“I never said that!”

“But you just said—”

“I said I’ll die without sex…with you.”

“Really?”

“Really.”

“Good.”

“What do you mean ‘good’? I think this is the farthest away from ‘good’ it’s ever been.”

“So you’ll be nice to Snape?”

“…”

“Padfoot…you’re growling.”

“But he’s Snivellus!”

“Snape.”

“Okay. Snape. And I’ve stopped hexing everyone else just for the fun of it.”

“And Snape?”

“Snape’s a special case.”

“Snape is not—is that your hand?”

“Hmm?”

“Is that your h—hand on my thigh?”

“Maybe.”

“Sirius…”

“Yes?”

“We’re in the common room.”

“It’s deserted.”

“Anyone could walk in.”

“Let them walk in.”

“They’ll see.”

“Let them see.”

“B—but—”

“Moony.”

“Gah.”

“Not very coherent, are we?”

“It’s…hard to be…coher—coherent with…your hand on my co—”

“Mmm…well. You know what I want to do right now?”

“Meh.”

“Exactly. I want to do you.”

“…”

“I’ve been a bad boy.”

“…The worst…”

“I deserve to be punished, don’t you think?”

“Punished…oh…yes.”

“But no sex would be very cruel.”

“…Sex…cruel…”

“So how about we…”

“Just shut up and take me upstairs!”

“If you insist.”

“I do.”

“Okay then.”

“…”

“…”

“NOW!”

“Yes, Moony.”