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Sunday, July 4th, 2004
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1:39 am - Would you choose to live forever if you had the choice?
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But this is not a question. Minbari do live longer than Humans, it is true, some for close to one hundred and sixty years. But when our time has passed, it is past, and we must also pass beyond the rim to the place where no shadows fall, and others shall be born to carry out the work we have begun here, or to change it, or to shape it in their image. Such is the way of things.
And none of this is what would make me reject such an offer. I would do so because of John.
When Lorien informed us that John had only twenty more years to live, I thought at first that I could accept it with the same strength that John showed. He has done much in his young life, it is true, more than most. And we have shared a love that few are fortunate enough to encounter, and that should be enough. But it is not, not at all enough.
It seems that I am destined to live without him, in that future that shall come about when his twenty years have transpired. And I find I am not certain I can. I can no longer imagine my life without him, and I face the prospect of this life only because I know there is still work to do for me. I face the prospect of this life for the very reason that I would not choose immortality -- I shall see John again in the end.
These past many weeks on the station without him have been trying; now with Mr. Garibaldi and Ambassador Sinclair on Minbar I find I have more responsibility than I can reasonably fit into one day. And yet, there is no shortage of time in which I miss John, and no shortage of hours I spend aching and longing for him.
*
![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) susanivanova, I am very glad you have returned and I have several matters to discuss with you. When you have a moment, please drop by John's office so we may talk.
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| Thursday, May 20th, 2004
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11:11 am - Dran'na
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The ritual I have just completed is called Dran'na, which means, in the languages of both the religious caste and the worker caste, "The Hunger." In Vik, the language of the warrior caste, this word means "Desperation." Both meanings are adequate to describe what we have sought, these past three days, and what we have done.
When I went to Ambassador Mollari's quarters, four days ago, I suspected he had something of this type in mind. I know that he has been somewhat lost since Citizen G'Kar's departure for Minbar, though indeed, I am not sure I have known the Ambassador when he was not lost for one reason or another. That he is to be Emperor weighs on his conscience as well, but I would fear more if it did not.
Among my people, it is customary to be completely honest with one's partner about the vicissitudes of the relationship, with the understanding that, without honesty, there is no way to ensure both parties -- or all three parties -- get the most that they can from the relationship. I have learned through being with John that this custom does not translate so neatly to other species. "I tell you that dress doesn't make you look fat, you tell me size does not matter," he explained to me. "It's just -- the way it is."
More than that -- I have found that when I have done something to upset John, it often takes me hours upon hours of prying to get him to confess what is bothering him. "It's fine," he says. Such words seem to be the mantra of his species. "Just fine."
Now, I have come to realize that the Minbari may alone occupy the universe where it is not fine if it is not fine. The Centauri, if Londo is any indication, seem to operate with the strategy of "I am miserable, therefore I shall throw a party," and, as I understood that, I was unsurprised by Londo's proposition. Whether he will choose to face the emotions that G'Kar has evoked in him -- and share them with G'Kar -- is Londo's decision, and will happen in his own time. Until then -- the Dran'na.
I have been quite busy since John's sudden departure from the station many weeks ago. But what he said was to be a short diplomatic mission to Proxima 3 has become long and tiresome, and he is only able to communicate by Stellarcom infrequently, so I have gone many days at a stretch with no word from him, without knowing if he is alive or dead. And though I know him, and I trust him, I cannot stop myself from worrying.
That is why *I* agreed to the Dran'na. Before John, it had been many years since I was in a committed relationship of that magnitude. Shaal Mayan and I were lovers, yes, and her death affected me most profoundly. But our relationship was never built upon the concept of monogomy, and though the practice of monogomous couples and trebles is not unfamiliar among Minbari, I have not been part of such a couple since before I joined the Grey Council. And I find -- it is strange to me, the feeling that I cannot live without someone.
When John died on Z'Ha'Dum, I was ready to die myself. I was unprepared for the feeling of loss, the feeling of sorrow and loneliness. I have prided myself on my independence, and at that time, my independence was taken from me.
With the Dran'na, I wanted to prove to myself that I could carry on without John, that the Delenn that existed before him still stands strong.
I was unsuccessful.
I do not begrudge Ambassador Mollari, nor the girl Saffron, both of whom were most generous and innovative in their methods of providing and receiving pleasure -- but I felt no pleasure at all. The acts of sexual adventure that provided me such joy in my youth now are hollow, because they only served to remind me how much I miss John.
And so it seems that I have lost some part of myself, in joining with John. But I have gained so much, and I love him so much, that I feel no grief for that loss of independence. I simply love him, and I shall do my work and wait for his return.
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| Sunday, May 2nd, 2004
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3:56 pm - *Babcom*
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Delenn to Security.
// This's Zack. //
Mr. Allan, tell me. Has Mr. Bester arrived on the station yet?
// Uh, not yet, ma'am; his ship's just docking now. You want I should bring him to you when he gets here? //
Not right away. Show him to his quarters -- he may rent any of the smaller visitors' apartments in Blue sector, but make sure he pays in advance -- and make sure he is comfortable -- and well guarded. And then tell him to come see me in Command at his earliest convenience.
// Yes ma'am, Ambassador. //
Oh, and Zack --
// Yeah? //
Do be sure to inform Mr. Bester that his earliest convenience is as soon as is humanly possible.
// Sure thing, Ambassador. Security out. //
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3:30 pm - If your life were a movie...
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I find I can easily imagine my life as a narrative holograph, though probably not one of the religious parables I enjoyed as a young acolyte. With things as they are, I think I am more suited, for good or for ill, to the war dramas of the type composed by Shal Grotz after the war with the Humans.
During the war, the worker caste (for, no matter the subject, it is the worker caste who produces the narrative holographs, and then proceeds to market them to the appropriate audience) spared no pains in constructing great pieces of propaganda for the warriors, chronicling what would inevitably be our victory over the Humans. As a member of the Grey Council, I even featured in one of these tales -- (though the young woman playing the character of Satai Delenn looked nothing at all like me, and the implication that Delenn and Dukhat were having an affair was not only erroneous but offensive, to me and to Duhkat's memory) -- a standard seventeen-hour war training recording set to music.
Minbari are as succeptible to propaganda as any other race, though we -- members of the religious caste, particularly -- take great care not to make these baser truisms of our nature too public. The narrative holographs created during the war were racist, inflammatory, and violent. And our people consumed them greedily, and in turn the propaganda fueled the war machine as we continued to slaughter the Humans.
The ending of the war presented many philosophical questions of right and wrong, of history and destiny. A very talented worker named Shal Grotz made a trilogy of holographs that attempted to answer these questions, to reflect on the war, not as an example of Minbari sovereignty, but as an example of our shortsightedness. She told the stories of individual soldiers, fighting and dying for a cause they could not begin to comprehend. She showed the horrors of war, the waste, the pointlessness, the blind hatred. Her trilogy attracted a very small audience, and the creation of it bankrupted Grotz, her fain, and a good portion of her clan.
At the time, even I did not see her work for what it was. I am ashamed to admit I agreed with critics who suggested these holographs expressed "anti-Minbari sentiment." I believed, as many did, that Grotz was a Human collaborator, a sympathizer, a spy.
It is only now, after the Shadow war, that I am able to see the meaning of Grotz's stories. She spoke of the wastefulness of war, the perpetuity of excuses. As we were puppets for the whims of the Shadows and the Vorlons, so, too often, are our soldiers puppets for us. We make the decisions, but it is our front-line soldiers who do the fighting for us, and the dying.
I am at a point in my career, and in my life, where it is necessary sometimes for me to make decisions that will take the lives of others. Until recently, I took that responsibility in stride. Now, I am less certain. I accept the task, but I do so with a heavy heart, and with blood on my hands that will not come clean.
Delenn
Fandom: Babylon 5
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| Friday, April 9th, 2004
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3:49 am - the rhetoric of love
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Tu'Pari is dead. The plot against the Rangers, such as it was, has been stilled for another day. Strange, how it did not seem to touch us, out here, so far away. But yet for others -- citizengkar comes most immediately to mind -- the war was very real, and very dangerous.
I have heard from Mr. Garibaldi that several Narn assassins are heading here with a plan to kill ranger_wun. Now that Tu'Pari has been dealt with, I do not know if these Narns will continue to carry out their plan. I suppose only time will tell, but I have no doubt that mikegaribaldi will deal with the situation if it should arise.
Strange, how close we came to losing the Rangers. How easy it would have been; a word here, some propaganda there -- the late appearance of galaxygab does much to illustrate how pervasive words can be, lies, and half truths. When I met Vir in the corridor he shook the newspaper at me as if it were a weapon, and I see now that perhaps it can be.
Language is so strong, so divisive, and yet so seductive. I witness -- as few who live here have been able to escape it -- the changes in the relationship between Ambassador Mollari and Mr. G'Kar. Neither man could be accused of being taciturn, and yet, the introduction of this one word -- "love" -- into the discourse between them has changed everything. It resonates, like a stone dropped into water, and from the moment it was spoken none of us have gone unaffected.
So I pray for them, that they should find happiness, and peace, and that they should come to understand one another however their paths should take them.
*muses*
For with this latest development, perhaps their paths will diverge more than they know.
I will admit, when I received G'Kar's note informing me of his plan, I was doubtful. But after speaking with Londo this afternoon, I wonder if perhaps this is not just what they need. Distance. And...change.
It makes me sad to think so. I had hoped -- in the way we all hope, when we see that light in a friend's eye, that first blush of new romance and we imagine it could be eternal -- that Londo and G'Kar would find some way to survive this new change in their relationship. Would, more, find a way to thrive on it. I do not like to think it is impossible -- but I believe that both Londo and G'Kar, each in his separate way, has already resigned himself to the impossibility of happiness at all.
I have invited Mr. G'Kar to my quarters, on the pretense of discussing the contents of the message he sent me upon his return to Babylon 5. Ambassador Mollari -- wisely believing that any encounter between himself and G'Kar would be better supervised -- has asked me to play chaperon, and will be joining us.
I wish very much that _sheridan were here. I fear I am not strong enough to handle these two lunatics myself, and with John, at least, I would have someone with whom to sympathize when the dialogue invariably descends into shouting and idiocy.
Then, coincidence has served me in the past. Perhaps if I sit very still, and close my eyes, when the door chimes it will not be G'Kar at all, but rather John, dropping by to remind me once more that love is possible, and real, and ours.
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| Saturday, March 13th, 2004
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9:23 pm - I have returned.
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Hello, dear friends. I must apologize that my trip to the Homeworld was longer than I had anticipated, but with news of the new Centauri/Narn conspiracy to discredit the Rangers I have realized I can better serve my people here on Babylon 5.
Unfortunately, in the good Minbari tradition of being told what we need to know, and no more, I suspect I lack some of the more -- "gory details," -- I think the humans would say. As it is, I understand there is a plot to assassinate one of londo_mollari's wives, and that the dark forces who seek her death have the greater goal of inciting Centauri opposition to the Anla'Shok -- for what reasons, we can only surmise.
It seems then that our immediate plan should be to locate and identify our enemies, so that we may better understand their purpose and the means by which they intend to achieve their desired goal.
The Anla'Shok will continue their training and patrols, and have vowed not to get involved in this conflict unless they are called upon, and, even then, will not engage the enemy unless specifically directed to do so by either _sheridan or myself. It is not the business of the Rangers to fight wars; only to prevent them.
That being said -- I would be most grateful to anyone who claims to have information about the dark powers at work behind this plot against the Anla'Shok. I will preserve the anonymity of any informant who does not wish to be exposed; I merely seek information, for we are powerless without it.
Thank you for your time.
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| Thursday, January 29th, 2004
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4:08 pm - Theatrical Muse topic: How did you lose your virginity?
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I am fascinated by the way many other cultures will speak of this -- sometimes eagerly, sometimes with shame, and other times with little or no feeling.
The first time two people explore each other's pleasure centres is treated, by Minbari, with the respect, dignity and reverence that such an occasion certainly requires. It is special, sacred -- and it is not shared lightly.
It is a curious thing, then, the way others express their feelings (or lack thereof), and their experiences, of their first sexual encounters. Out of respect for my partner and, of course, for the act itself, I shall decline any discussion of the subject.
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| Thursday, January 22nd, 2004
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11:35 pm
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It is very late and I still have much to do, but I could not leave this without any greeting at all. It appears that I have a great deal of catching up to do, but I think that this could be a very interesting experience.
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