| you create worlds when you open your eyes. |
[12.10.20084.36.a] |
times have changed
and things are strange
here i come,
but i ain't the same..
time's gone by,
seems to be......
you could have been a better friend to meee
you took me in but you drove me out
yeahhhh, you had me hypnotizeddddd
lost and found, turned around..
by the fiiiire in your eyyyes.
you made me cry,
you told me lies..
but i cant stand to say gooooodbyyyyyye!!!
i could be right,
i could be wrong...
hurts so baaad,
it's been sooo looooonnng!!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
finished with my woman
cause she couldn't help me with my mind
people think I'm insane
because I am frowning all the time
all day long I think of things
but nothing seems to satisfy
I think I'll lose my mind if I don't
find something to pacify
can you help me occupy my brain?
I need someone to show me the things in life
that I cannot find
I can't see the things that make true happiness,
I must be blind
make a joke and I will sigh...
and you will laugh and I will cry,
happiness I cannot feel and love to me
is so unreal!
....and so as you hear these words telling you now of my state,
I tell you to enjoy life...I wish I could, now it's too late!
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[12.08.20085.32.a] |
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mood |
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 drained |
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music |
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work shit? |
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Sometimes I feel like I am realllllly just thinking too hard, and if I were to stop and slow down ... I would surely feel better in a moment. But I cant slow down...;BECAUSE THIS IS THE MOMENT! and it sure as hell could be your last. so dont fucking tell me to slow down or calm down or fucking take a chill pill...this is my life! not yours. and i'll live it however i feel appropriate, thank you. and even with all that being correct in how you saw it, it's not right in your mind.
////you're thinking literally and im speaking figuratively)
:]
oh my.
I can't wait until 1st break so I can smoke a bowl.
I got some dankkkk right now <3
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| rantings and ravings... |
[12.04.20084.56.a] |
it's 4:55 and i've already been at work for an hour. it's pretty much just bullshit. i cant do this for the rest of my fuckin life. i dont want to work, i dont care. i dont even like money. and im not even trying to be funny right now, JONNY! hahahaha. but really. i need to go to school, so im not struggling for the rest of my life, but i cant afford it right now!!! so then what? i get the short end of the stick either way? i cant afford to go to school, so my futures gonna be fucked. and if i dont go to school, i guess im fucked that way too. i wish it was as easy as it looks to dip out on everything and just say fuck it. :(
a few nights ago, i stopped by 7-11 to get some candy with my love<3. we get back in the whip to leave and my fucking car will NOT turn on...not even trrrrry to turn on. and the wierd shit is... i was having NOOOO problems with it at alllll prior to that. but i guess thats what cars do....just randomly fukcing fuck you over. kind of like everything else around here, huhhh? so i didnt have enough money to get it towed and nobody else had enough money to help me out, so it got taken away. now its in the fucking impound, and they charge like by the hour or some stupid shit like that. last time i checked, it was about $572.50!!!!!!!! seriously! so i dont know what to do about that. i do notttt ahve enough money to pay that shit off, noooooo waaaaaaay! not efven in payments because it is just gonna keep adding up anyways.
and then i was on mount helix yesterday with my love<3 and we were looking at all these biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiig ass rich houses. fuck all those people, man! it aint right. there they are, with all they're crap that they dont even fucking need while I CAT EVEN AFFORD TO GET MY CAR BACK FROM THE FUCKKKING NAZIS THAT RUN THE TOW YARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!! they really need to get over themselves. they got mt car in this dirty ass busty lot with a billion and one othre cars and they're trying to charge me to fucking get it back? they should be paying me to come and take that shit. so im using my step dads moms car that she lets everyone use when they need car and it sucks, because i know it aint mine and at any second it can kind of just be taken away from me. but at least i have a way to get to work and back for now. im appreciative :]
and nextt on the list..i think you knew this was coming..
fucking fred killed himself. he really did it. and i cant act stupid and say i dont understand, because i do. i see. who would want to live with that horrifying memory? and on TOP of that, the fucking torment. all the time. and even if it was over, it's not over in your head. it keeps playing and playing and playing. and i feel you, man. i coudlnt deal with it either. people that were once so close to each other, people that once called each other family, and loved each other. fucked back for some DOPE. FOR SOME FUCIGN DOPE. fUck!@!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and when i found out that night, found out that it was really true....that the shot that rang out was really the end of my old firends life- what was the first thing i said? i bet you could guess. "well. he was probably stillllll tweaking." and i thought, too, "that's on him...if he could have been strong like the rest of us and just got out of it". and guess what the fuck i found out last night? that HE STOPPED TWEAKING, THAT HE WAS GAINING WEIGHT, THAT HE WAS TRYING TO MEND BRIDGES WITH ALL THE OLD HOMIES AGAIN, THAT HE KICKED STONEY OUT, THAT THINGS WERE GETTING BETTER FOR HIM!!! damn, that made me feel so bad. so fucking shitty. why then? why, fred? things were gonna get better. poor fucking fred though, god damn....couldnt someone have talked to him???? saw him walking and said hi to him? you all live on the same fucking street as him, you see him like that, BUT YOU CANT JUST SAY WHATS UPPP!?!?!?!? that could have changed his whole life around. and im not blaming anyone, persay, because thats BULLSHIT....but fuck!!! he used to be our friend, and HOW THE FUCK DO YOU ALL FEEEEEEL NOW? i know how i feel. like shit. like a fucked up ass bitch. like i should be shot for that shit. last time i saw him, what did i do? talk shit. but why? because my dumbass homies had problems with him for some dumbass fucking reasons. BUT WE ALL USED TO BE FIRENDS...AND NOT JUST FRIENDS...GOOOOOOOD FRIENDS. really good friends. we could have done something, all of us. and you know, me and travis were talking last night about how the bad time shouldnt even fuckin matter, because it's the good times that count. in the end, no one cares about the bad shit anymore...thats not even an issue, its not even in your mind anymore. it's all about the times that you'll never forget, all the craziness you wish you could forget, and the friends you'll remember forever. because when i look back at fred, im not seeing the last year that we weren't cool with each other over stupid bullshit that doesnt even matter anymore........im seeing all the good ass times we had before that. the four years before that when everyone was so happy and everyone loved each other and had each others backs no matter what went down. even if we were on drugs, or whatever...we were all so happy together and it was love, simply. im so sorry, fred, i wish i could just tell you i love you man. when you told mikes mom you felt like no one loved you and all that shit, you were wrong man. ohhhhh how you were wronggg! aall your old homies that were your real homies STILL, after all the bullshit, love you. and always will. your selfish as fuck for doing what you did, you should have thought about us. im sorry. im so fuckign sorry. i wish i could have really seen where your head was at...if you were fred jsut being fred or if you were somehwere else...somewhere off the rictor. and thats what i imagine. i couldnt see the fred i know, or knew...doing anything that intense and crazy, with the fucking window open man? fuck all that. fuck you for that, really. and i keep seeing his face in my head, everytime i clsoe my eyes. not everytime...but a lot!!!!!! and it dawned on me that the last time i even thought of fred before this was when i was thinking about annoying ass ugly kids. and now i find myself thinking of you randomly, thinking about how you could have really done such a thing. im baffled. i didnt think i'd bring myself to cry...but here i am fred. these tears are for you.
REST IN PEACE, HOMIE. YOU WERE ALWAYS LOVED AND YOU ALWAYS WILL BE, AT LEAST BY YOUR LOYAL HOMIES. NO MATTER THE DIFFERENCES WE HAD IN YOUR FINAL DAYS, YOU WERE ALWAYS IN OUR HEARTS AND MINDS. AND YOU ALWAYS WILL BE. I HOPE YOU'RE FINALLY HAPPY, AND WITH YOUR DAD. STAY UP & SEE YOU ONE DAY MAN. I LOVE YOU, FRED, NO MATTER WHAT.
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| im happy |
[05.22.200811.26.a] |
&&&
things can only get better :]
cept last night i had this dream that i got high.
and i didnt know what i was doing, until after i had already done it.
then i was like "WHAT THE FUCKCCKCKKCCKKKK?!!!"
and i was hella triiiippin.
it was scary.
but yeah,
im still doing really good! :]
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| hahahhahahaha |
[04.20.20087.30.a] |
fuuuuuuuck.
well
I've been gone for four months this time.
i was locked up for a month,
then i went to rehab for two months...
but they kicked me out!!
thats fucked up, huh?
hahhaa.
and then i got locked back up for getting kicked out.
and now im home, mothafuckas.
im happy as fuck to be freeeeee man.
it's fuckin 420 today
and if i can make it through today..
then i can do this!!
i swear,
im not gonna get high anymore.
on 1212 :]
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[12.16.20078.25.a] |
hmmmmmmm
im chillin
got lcoked up again for 5 days
but im out AGAIN
fuuuuuck
hahaha
i gotta do good homie
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| house arrest suuuuucks |
[11.04.200711.59.a] |
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mood |
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 cheerful |
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music |
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aus rotten |
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I'll be off tomorrow though
&then I could leave.
i miss twitch..
and all the homies.
I'm about to get called out though,
and go get fadedddd at shnikki's.
with my babbbbbyboy<3
i got mad scrillas today.
I wish I could buy weeeeeeed :[
oh well.
so beware of the four door delta
getcha crew if you think they can help ya
and step up,
but not too close
cause LOWW LIFE is poppin the most!!
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| I'm back. |
[10.25.200711.00.a] |
| [ |
mood |
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cheerful |
] |
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music |
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blues clues? wtf.. |
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I got out of the hall on the 23rd..
AGAIN!
I did 3 and a half months this time.
buttt..
I aint going back.
I'm staying out.
I'm not smoking weed anymore.
I'm gonna do good.
for real.
I'm just happy to be free.
I'm on house arrest so I cant go anywhere..
but yesterday,
some people I really love showed up.
it was really cool.
I LOVE YOU T-T, SHNIKKI, JON, ZAK, DODIE,
&especially
myyyyy BABBS♥
i miss the waterfall..
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[03.04.20077.25.a] |
I am going to keep qriting in my LJ,
until this annonymous bitch just stops being a weenie.
I already gave the bitch my phone number..
WHAT MORE CAN I DO???
YOU WANT MY FUCING ADRESS, OR WHAT, FOOL?
I told you..
IF YOU WANNA TALK ALL THIS SHIT,
THEN JUST HIT ME UP.
YOU AINT GOTTA DO IT OVER THE COMPUTER,
YOU MOTHAFUCKIN WEENIE!!
COME SHOW ME "WHATS UP" PUTOOOOOO.
HAHHAHAHA.
fuck man.
this shit is HAHAHAHHAHELLARIOUS.
I LOVE IT.
I'm about to get locked up for a...
home supervision violation.
i left..
but 12THE KIDD12 is in town until today..
so what was I supposed to do?
NOT GO SEE THE HAAAAAMIE??
yea right!
we had a hotel party.
it was poppppin'!
...
ya'll shoulda come threw.
we were, pretty much, fuuuucked up :]
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| haha. I totally forgot all about LJ.... |
[03.02.20073.41.p] |
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mood |
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 blank |
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music |
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THE WAY I LIVE- babyboyyy |
] |
until today when I checked my e-mail
&got some laaaaaaaame laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaame ass annonymous comments from somebody.
wow.
yer really sick...
at least tell me who you are..
&if you wanna git down,
then we can.
I just dont get it....
bitches be talking shit...
but never do nothin'.
IF YOU FUCKING HATE ME THAT MUCH...
AND YOU WANNA TALK ALLLL THAT SHIT,
THEN HIT ME UP & I'LL LET YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHERE IM AT.
619.850.3940
hahahah.
ya'll is TRRRRRRRIIIIP.
anyways...
I'm on Home Supervision right now
&it fucking sucks...
but I thank Ja that they didnt lock me up!
I could have done a year.
I WANNA GET OUT THIS MOTHAFUCKA THOUGH!
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[11.17.200610.10.a] |
whitney is so fucking rude.
seriously, I hate her.
she makes me cry.
what an ass.
keep it real! (?)
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| xlkgn. |
[09.11.20069.53.a] |
on Friday, me & Whitney kicked it at 25th and Commercial with Jacob, Tim, and Norwegian.
umm we smoked FAT blunts and well, you know..
later on, we left and got some stunnnna shades at the swap meet.
then I went home for a little bit and passed the fkkk out.
after that,
I went and met Sid and Pyro at the pad.
the homie Kyle hooked it up with some cokkkkke
and some E.
we went to pick up Whitney at like 2..
and then me and her took that E.
we were fuuuuuuucked up.
um we mobbed out and about
and got high.
you know
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| try to thnk back.. |
[09.02.20062.01.p] |
I kicked it with my gangsta homies last night
& got faded off some Coronas.
Mark, Richelle, and thier friend Chris stopped by
in El Cajon to come say what's up for a minute.
we smoked bowls and chilled.
I went to Pyro's pad to see Sid,
but that fool was already faded as hell..
so I went to sleep.
everyone was cracked out when I woke up.
me & Kyle left to go smoke bongloads with the homie..
then I went to meet my mom.
I'm at home,
I need to go meet WHitney-
I'M LAGGING.
PEACE YALLL.
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| so what the fuck has really been going on? |
[08.31.200611.02.a] |
| [ |
mood |
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 STFUUU |
] |
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music |
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macaframa |
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hmm..
I'm sure you heard about that supposed "hate crime" on the news. well, allll of my homies are locked up for that shit. loww life was put on blast all up on the news. all my other friends, including myself & Whitney, were questioned on behalf of our where-abouts during the crime. all of the ones who did it, got locked up. Kenn...he got locked up for being an "accesory." is that not the most fucked up thing you've ever heard? I've talked to Kenn, but not Lyonn or Flaco or Viva. I'm going to write them, and I hope everyhting is okay with them..we can only hope.
what else?
Katie James and somebody IN loww life, who is supposed to be our family (THE KIDDD)..have been talking to investigators because of a bad decision Katie made while under the influence of drugs, 2 years back. if people cannot handle what they are doing and are not capable of being responsible for their actions- SOBER OR INTOXICATED- then they shouldn't be trying to act cool and hang out with the big kids. I don't want to put KTJ's business all out there..so this is as far as I will go. but I do want everyone to know that what she did was VERY wrong and in no way will I ever stop caring for Kenn. I was there..I know exactly what happened..KATIE- YOU'RE NOT FOOLING ANYONE BUT YOURSELF AND THAT COP. I HOPE YOU REALIZE YOU WILL GET WHAT IS COMING FOR YOU. YOU AND CHRIS.
I started a new drug class because I got kicked out of my old one.
I took out my dreadlocks.
I died my hair all blonde.
I want to get the fuck away from everything and everyone I know.
I want some drogas.
I need to smoke a cigarette.
I love SID.
Whitney is better than anyone I have ever met...
but ya'll already knew that.
( the homies.. )
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| LIVE LIFE LOWW AS FUCK 1212 |
[08.17.200610.32.a] |
I RULE.
YOU SUCK.
LOWW LIFE FOR LIFE, HOLMES.
LIVE LIVE AS LOWW AS IT GETS, SHIIT...
kill yo damn self
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| LJ is weak sauce |
[07.27.20064.19.p] |
| [ |
mood |
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 sad |
] |
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music |
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lame kidds at drug class, being loud as FUCK |
] |
what ever happened to LJ?
..it used to be so sick.
haha whatevs
man, I've been fucking up lately..
I love my boyfriend but I'm sure he's pissed at me.
that sucks
I feel bad
call me on my cell phone,
I got it back again.
8503940
i love my babbbyboy, Sid.
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_dehumanisation's journal
cold
guilty
