These are some of the better Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy. (these are classic)

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)

If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)

As a young boy, when you get splashed by a mud puddle on the way to school, you wonder if you should go home and change, but be late for school, or go to school the way you are; dirty and soaking wet. Well, while he tried to decide, I drove by and splashed him again.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)

If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)

Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)

I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, Yahoo!, I'd have all my money back.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)

I hope, when they die, cartoon characters have to answer for their sins.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)

If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go, because, man, they're gone.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)

If you lived in the Dark Ages and you were a catapult operator, I bet the most common question people would ask is, "Can't you make it shoot farther?" "No, I'm sorry. That's as far as it shoots."
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)

It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)

I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you're having a good idea but it's just eggs hatching.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)

Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)

I don't think I'm alone when I say I'd like to see more and more planets fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)

I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)

When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)

If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)

Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because... what is that thing?
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)

Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we already have.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)