we did the filming for this 2 summers ago and it is finally FINISHED! It will be available to purchase soon from www.dinet.org :)

so i decided, randomly that i would check out how LJ is doing, considering i haven't logged on in like, ages. i miss it in a way, but somehow i don't think i'd be able to get back into writing in it. i guess i'll do a bit of an update, anyways though.

-me and mike ended things a few weeks ago. it was extremely hard, and still is hard, but it had to be done. i wasn't happy. there was too much arguing, fighting, bickering. it wasn't the same. things changed. he was the first boy i ever really loved, and i don't regret any of it. he's still my best friend, and he always will be.

-school is stressful. i'm making up credits i didn't earn when i was really sick in grade 9 and 10 so while everyone is off at college i'm stuck in this limbo of high school courses online. i have to apply for college soon and i'm kind of nervous. i don't know what i'm going to do, but probably something like graphic design or media arts. maybe small business entreprise. i also love the idea of esthetician/make up artist. my original idea of vet tech is still probably the #1 thing i would want to do if i could, but the hours are long and there are tons of overnight shifts in the co-op program and i know i wouldn't last it..

-other than that, things are kind of boring. i've been sicker lately, like i usually get around this time of year, which has got me kinda down. but i'm trying my best to stay positive and hopefully i won't have any unexpected ER visits this winter. overall though, i'm doing better now then i was last year at this time, so i'm happy about that.

Not much else i can say right now..can't say i'll be writing again any time soon..but maybe...we'll see!

hope all is well with everyone. i miss reading everyone's journals..probably more than writing in my own. haha.

guys are a lot more complicated and complex than most people think.
girls are always the ones getting labeled as "high maintenance" and "confusing" but really, guys are the same.
take my boyfriend. mike. we've been dating 9 months and i am completely and utterly in love with him.
he feels the same way, and i know that, but we fight.
we;ve had a few big fights.
the kind of "we need to talk about this right now, in person, even though it's 3 in the morning" kind of fights.
but we got through them.
we've also had fights that i can't even begin to comprehend.
like the one we had tonight.
he was being kind of weird with me. weird as in meanish, rudish, too much sarcasm..ish. so i instinctively got meanish back. it was one of those days where tiny little "well you're being mean!" comments were made and we'd stop talking for a few minutes then we'd laugh at something and it would be fine. then at the end of the night he's like "why are you being like that?" and i clearly was not being like anything.
or at least i wasn't being like anything he wasn't being... :S
anyways just wanted to completely avoid fighting so i was just like i'm really not like anything i'm alright! and i started talking about how i think i'm allergic to something in my room and he snaps back "maybe it's me" without even a smirk.
and i just laugh for a sec, then realize he's being an ASSclown and not just a regular clown.
and so pretty much he leaves, without much acknowledgment of the fact from me.

so i don't really know why, but for some reason, i feel like i should be treated amazingly by him, even when i'm crabby or grumpy. which i WAS when we were first dating but i feel like i'm putting more effort into the relationship than he is. and i've even HAD this very conversation with him before and he felt it wasn't true but promised he'd try harder. him promising things and me never really feeling like things changed is kind of like the story of our relationship. although recently he has been saying that i'm actually in the wrong a lot of the time and it's not just him. which i am, some of the time, but it's mostly him. in my humble opinion.

the point is, i love him so much, i really do, but are my expectations too high if i don't want my boyfriend to raise his voice and snap with me..

i did a huge friends cut. it's nothing personal. but i feel bad that i'm not able to comment all of my friends often. and its impossible to do that with 100+ friends. i now have it down to about 50, and hopefully i'll be a better commenter now. if i deleted you and you think i made a mistake lemmie no. to all the rest of you, i loveeeeeeee you :]

this weekend has so far been perrrtty rad. go to my youtube account [ http://www.youtube.com/profile?user=radlikemad ]if you would like to see some vids we made. 
P.S When A Stranger Calls is a let down.

this year is different.
and i don't really know how
i cant pin point the exact problem,
but there is one.
i mean when it comes down to it
things are basically the same.
i started school again in september just like last year.
and just like last year i had to drop out.
i was kind of anticipating it, i knew it was coming.
although i didn't think it would be that fast.
i remember it was the night of parent-teacher interviews.
my mom and dad went, and had a meeting with the VP.
they came home and my mom told me i wasn't aloud to go to classes
at all anymore.
i was so mad at her, actually not at her, at me.
for not even being able to stick it out.
but i was mad at her for telling it to me, and making me have to accept it.
but life went on, and i managed okay at home, just like last year.
the turning point i think, was christmas eve.
when i got really sick, and spent the night in the ER.
i guess i really realised that this wasn't going away.
and it WAS capable of controlling, and ruining my life.
i was sitting in the hospital bed and looking at my mom, who was looking at her watch.
she wanted to leave and go to my aunts for the christmas dinner.
everytime the doctor started a new IV bag of saline, she looked more and more dissapointed.
then my dad came, and brought my mom the car so she could go to my aunts and have a good time.
and my dad brought me home and i spent christmas eve on the couch.
i was pissed off.
i was deprived of my christmas eve, and so was my mom and my dad.
and it was because of me.
i guess that's when i realised that i had to stop hoping this would just go away, and start accepting that it's not going to.
and it's going to be a bitch.
and it's going to suck.
but what can i do?

so maybe what's different is that this has actually literally become my life.
before it was more of just something i was trying to get THROUGH
but what if there is no "through"
what if there isn't an end to get to.
it's a possibility, one that i don't really want to consider but it still is.

anyways for some reason my posts are always like 897das87d7 lines long.. i'll try to cut down; promise (:

Lying is bad. Or so we are told constantly from birth—honesty is the best policy, the truth shall set you free, I chopped down the cherry tree, whatever. The fact is, lying is a necessity. We lie to ourselves because the truth, the truth freaking hurts… No matter how hard we try to ignore or deny it, eventually the lies fall away, whether we like it or not. But here's the truth about the truth: it hurts. So we lie.

Meredith Grey- Grey's Anatomy

Sometimes you literally have to hit the floor.
As cold and hard as it is against your already bruised skin.
As much as the pain surges through your body like some uncontrolable force, hurts you.
As shocking and unexpected as it is to come to such an abrupt hault, after falling so fast for so long.
Like thinking there's one more staire to climb, one more unacheivable challenge awaiting you,
When there isnt.
As dissapointing as it is to have your whole world stopped;
Completely frozen in place
Sometimes that's just what it takes to make it keep on going;
To make you, keep on going.