This blog is going to be friends only from now on. Anyone who reads this should already be friends, but if you're not, comment and let me know :)

This is a meme I have from Rebecca - she suggested 5 things whichshe associates with me, and I will have to say something about each of them. So here goes.

1. sheep

Oooh, I love sheep. Sheep are one of the coolest animals ever. They're so cute and fluffy and I can look at them and listen to their "baaaaa, baaa" for hours! I get so excited every time I see sheep somewhere it's not funny ;) And of course I've got my 4 stuffed sheep at home - Schaaf, Browny, William and Ikarus - and I love them dearly. Because they're so cute and fluffy! :D

2. perfectionism

I actually think that I'm getting better at this, although it is definitely something that I associate with myself as well. I always want to be perfect. For a long time I thought that people would like me if I was perfect, but I've begun to realize that it's not like that. But I owe my perfectionism a lot, too, because it got me this far and because it saves me from screwing up important things. I think it's ok to be perfectionist as long as you don't let it consume you. I'm trying...... I still like to be perfect, though ;)

3. linguistics

Linguistics is definitely a big part of my life, and I didn't see that coming when I first started studying. I HATED it in my first semester. It was so boring and I really didn't see the point (like so many other students in their first semester...). But that changed soon and I'm glad it did. I like it because it teaches you so much about yourself, because language is a huge part in how we experience the world. There's so much to find out and learn. I'm glad I found something that I can get this excited about and I can only hope that it will stay that way for a long time!

4. baking

Baking is great! I love it and I like to think that I'm quite good at it. I don't like cooking much and I'm not good at it, but I love everything sweet, so baking is a perfect hobby for me. I also like baking for other people, because I believe that cake or cookies is something that just makes people happy (and I like to make others happy). I can spend so much time baking without ever getting impatient, and I usually get impatient very easily. I think my favorite cake is Jamie Oliver's blackberry and apple pie.... just thinking about it makes me want to start baking!!

5. food allergies

Ha, yes. Unfortunately I have quite a lot of those - fish, nuts, citrus fruits, parsley, hot spices like curry and paprika, apples, pears if not peeled, avocado, peaches and mango. I can't touch raw tomatoes and potatoes because it gives me little red spot all over my hands. Oats and oat flour is my latest discovery. Apart from fish none of the above can kill me, but I get really sick and sometimes even start having trouble breathing. And then there's loads of stuff I just don't like at all (like most vegetables) - to keep a long story short, I really am a fussy eater :)

Copying this from Rebecca: If you’d like to leave a comment on this post, I’ll be happy to nominate five things that I associate with you, which you can then expound upon in your own blog (or we can find some other solution, if you don’t have a blog). Also, if there are other things you associate with me more strongly than these things, I’d be intrigued to know and would be happy to comment on those.

Just writing to let you know that I might be offline for a while. My grandmother's dying. She's in a coma and only lived for the medication they gave her, which they stopped giving her last night. Since then she started breathing again... She'll die, there's nothing anyone can do, but she won't give up. So it might take days, or weeks... we don't know.

Edit: She died 1.5 hours ago.

Haven't blogged in a while because I was busy with university and with thoughts. The semester is over now and although I still have a term paper to write I feel a lot more relaxed.

I'm still in therapy obviously and it's not going so well. I can't move forward because I can't do what she wants me to do. When I have panic attacks the only thing I can think of is that I need to make it stop. I can't think of something nice or that it will stop after a while. I've tried it. I've even written it down so I could just look at it but it never helps. There is only one thought, which is that I have to make it stop. Sometimes I think if I just died it would stop forever, but I know I'm not going to, and I don't really want to. I guess I still have to start looking for a way to do my internship here, because I won't make it until summer. No idea if that is even possible but I need to convince them somehow. I need this degree.

Part of why I need it so much is because I was offered a place as a PhD student with my favorite professor. She asked me 2 weeks ago. I'm not sure what to think. I do want to do it, but I'm still so young and I don't know if I'm good enough. Sometimes I think they all see something in me that's not there. And I will have to tell her the truth somehow, because if she expects someone who'll go abroad to do research I'm the wrong person to employ. I have no idea what to do. I thought I would have at least one more year to finish the MA and then look for something suitable, but this here would start this summer. I have no idea if I'm ready.

For the social side of the problems I've been sent to a special course offered by psychology majors. It's 7 evenings, once every week, in which I will learn together with other people how to manage social situations. We'll get taped and have video feedback and I'm freaking out already. It's basically my worst fear that somebody will have to criticize me or that I'll have to voice my anger about something. I'm really not good at social stuff. On top of that it's in the evenings when it will be dark already, so I don't know how to manage that either. Sometimes I wonder why I'm doing all of that to myself anyway.

A. asked me last night if I was happy at all, with the way things are. And I am, for some weird reason. Even with all the problems and things I can't do... I wouldn't do it if I wasn't happy. I wouldn't be studying if I didn't love linguistics. I wouldn't want to be a professor if I didn't think it would make me happy. I wouldn't try so hard to be a better person if it didn't matter to me. And at the end of the day, no matter how horrible it was, I know I have someone to come home to, someone who is there for me and who loves me. And that gives me the strength to believe that somehow everything will work itself out. And it gives me the strength to not give up.

So A. is busy the whole weekend, which means I will be alone until Monday afternoon. I can't do it. He's been gone for 4 hours and I'm already crying.

Happy new year everyone. I'm so scared of 2009, I can't tell you. Mostly because I somehow need to get my act together and go abroad. I don't know how to do that. Seriously. Most days I feel like I should just give up. Maybe I just want to much. Maybe a nice little 9 to 5 desk job is all that's in store for me. And sometimes I wonder if what I'm working for is actually truly what I want. I'm attracted by how much freedom you have, how you can always learn more about linguistics, how you have A LOT of holidays, how I can teach others about what I love so much. But it's still such a long way to go and who knows if I'll like it once I'm there. We do know how much I love hunting things and when I have them it gets boring. Maybe I should be more patient. But I'm so scared so often that it gets kind of difficult not giving up.

Anyway. That wasn't a very nice story for the new year, was it? On to nicer things then.
....
......
........
erm......
what is there to talk about? ;) I was busy preparing my presentations and got a 1 for the presentation that I already did. It was actually very nice when I did it, just before I got scared as usual. Didn't sleep for 5 days, didn't eat much for 4 days. By the day the presentation actually was I was almost sleepwalking and the night after it I slept for 15 hours straight. Let's pray that the other two presentations won't be the same because I don't think I'll survive it again ;)

I'm impressed with everybody's resolutions for 2009. I don't have any. I noticed that these resolutions never work for me. I'm trying to become a better person, that must be enough :)

Other than that I got a new laptop for Christmas from my parents which we bought last week. I LOVE it. It's so pretty and fast and it's sooooo quiet! The old one was really loud all the time so watching movies was almost impossible. This one is just perfect :)

I'm also REALLY looking forward to the 7th season of 24 which I think airs tonight in the US. YAY! Can't wait. The first Hustle episode was OK - I'm missing Danny and his cute Midlans accent a lot, but the story is still so much fun. I'm also catching up on the second season of The Tudors, which I enjoy a lot. Much more interesting than the history classes at school....
and then the Doctor. What do you say to that? I don't know whether to laugh or cry. The boy strikes me as a psychic (the thing he does with his hands all the time!) - let's see if he can actually be the Doctor. ..... come to think of it, I think I'll cry!

Right, nothing else much happening. A question to all of you: Does anybody know where I can download transcriptions of Obama's speeches? I'm looking for different ones with different audiences. Don't know how to find out if he spoke in front of a black audience or not, though. Damn. Maybe I should look for a different term paper topic...

So there it is! The 27th! :)
I survived Christmas just fine in the end. It was better than I expected because I arranged some things for myself, like not staying at my parents' place until Sunday but leaving last night. That was good. I was pretty exhausted. I spent all of the Christmas days at A.'s place, which was quite a lot of fun.

So what did everyone get? I got such great presents, I'm really very happy.
R. gave me a calendar of vanishing vocabulary of English. It is so fun, I`ve never heard the words before (which is kind of the point :D). My parents will buy me a new laptop (YAY!) and also got me a sewing kit (probably because I always brought my worn jeans home!). My brother and his new girlfriend had a great idea: a Leselotte. So cool! And it will be very valuable for me. A.'s parents gave me a voucher für a perfume store as every year, which is perfect as I need new face lotion :) His brother & girlfriend got us vouchers for the Cinemaxx, which I also appreciate because I haven`t seen a movie in so long! And A. gave me a ring! I was sooooooooo happy!! I LOVE it. Even though it is a bit too large :) It's the best present ever. And he said he wasn't going to get me something. I was fairly sure he wouldn`t give me anything. I hadn't planned on giving him anything either until I found a Simpsons calendar by chance. Thank God I did. I would've looked so stupid without a present!!

I really had a good time with A. It's good to sometimes spend a bit more time together because it gives you that feeling of unity. That there`s something there. On Christmas Eve we were walking through town talking about life, telling each other jokes and discussing children's names. It was nice. And we watched Dr. Who of course. Oh I'm so glad David is still there. If they`d introduced the new Doctor during the Christmas special I think I would have cried!

Also, as usual, there was also a lot to eat. Not sure I'll be able to eat anything until next week! I'm SO full. Why is there always so much food over Christmas?

Anyway, just a quick update to let you know that I`m alive ;) What is everybody doing for New Year's? I kinda don't know whether to plan anything...

... und vor allem of a silent Christmas. Wenn man einfach nur zu Hause sitzen, Fernsehen und was nettes essen könnte, wäre Weihnachten eine super Zeit. Aber jeder will einen sehen, und am besten noch beim 6 Gänge Dinner, jeder quetscht einen aus wie es so geht (und will natürlich nichts negatives hören, es ist ja Weihnachten!), Schul"freunde" die einen in der Schule nicht mit dem Arsch angesehen haben möchten plötzlich ein "festliches Get-together" veranstalten (allein der Titel haut mich um) - und ich will doch einfach nur nicht 24h am Tag mit Dingen konfrontiert werden, die mir Angst und Schrecken einjagen. He, ich bin 3 Monate in Therapie, bloß weil ich plötzlich nein sagen kann heißt das nicht, dass ich 2 Wochen Urlaub bei euch machen kann. *headdesk* Ich werde mich also durch die nächsten paar Tage quälen und jubeln, wenn endlich der 27. ist. Wie so oft in den letzten Jahren. Und dieses Jahr mag ich eh nicht.

Aber trotzdem vielen Dank für die schönen Karten, ich hab mich wirklich sehr gefreut. Auch wenn ich wie immer keine verschickt habe ;) Ich hoffe, ihr habt nicht drauf gewartet ;) ;) Es ist schön zu wissen, dass manche Leute Freude an diesen Feiertagen haben und sie genießen werden. Ich werde es auch ein bißchen versuchen.

Merry Christmas.

As you can see I changed the layout. I was just so sick of the fruits - I had the same layout for over a year and I just needed a change. This one is not 100% what I was looking for but I did not want to go through the trouble of having to adjust a Russian layout again (which is what I did for the last one). So let me know what you think, and how you`re doing.

Oh well. Some time has passed since I last wrote. I`m so busy all the time with all my jobs and university, and therapy. I managed to meet R. + her boyfriend last night for dinner. I`m really proud of myself. A. came with me, which was good, because I was totally freaked out before we met. As usual. It was good though, we had a great time, and I`m going to buy myself something nice tomorrow to reward myself. I need that. I usually find a way to avoid situations, which of course stops the panic immediately and activates the reward system in the brain, which is why it is so difficult to go through situations (the panic will stop at one point but the reward system will not be activated - basically your brain gives you more endorphines for avoiding things than for doing them, which is part of the problem). So I`m going to get a new pullover or so, I think.

Anyway. Not much to say really. But I`m stealing this thing from BelleNoir:

Clothes

Jeans and a nice pullover always works for me. I like skirts, though not in winter (I like to keep my legs warm, thank you very much). Strong colors for me, red, green, black, brown, blue, whatever. NO pompoms, quillinkgs, etc. Keep it simple. You don't want to look like a Christmas tree. I don`t like to shop because trousers are always too long (who the fuck has legs as long as that???) and shirts seem to be twice as long as they used to be. Though I do LOVE to go to Esprit :)

Furniture

Anything simple. Lots of white. No fancy stuff. No grandma stuff. NO white drapes! I want a house with high glass windows, everything in the open (no unnecessary walls or doors), lots of steel, white things (as I said), one concrete wall... it would be a very cool house, I can tell you ;)

Sweet

Yes please! Oh, that reminds me, there is chocolate in the fridge..........
.....
.........
............

City

Well, I`m a hillbilly. I like the quiet. But the city is great since you have everything within walking distance. And there is everything you need. Lots of cafes, lots of stores, ... though I think that I'll be moving back to the countryside some time sooner or later. The prospect of not having neighbors who party all the time is just very, very nice.

Drink

I love ice tea. And Gin Tai. And coffee. Though there is no coffee for me at the moment :( I cannot wait for Christmas! Coffeeeeeee :) :) :)

Musik

Most things British are great. I don`t really listen to a lot of music except when I`m in the car, but I like it when I listen to it. By the way, what is Jamie T. doing?

TV

If you can get my TV to show British and US TV series, yes please! Don't know what I would do without them, as there is nothing on German TV that would be worth watching.
Just like Bella, via "methods":

Bones
House
Doctor Who
Prison Break
The Hills
Two and a half Men
My name is Earl
Monk
Desperate Housewives
Kitchen Nightmares
NCIS
...

Film

Very rarely, because there just aren't very many great films that I feel like paying 15 Euros for.

Workout

Not since I`ve been sick. Will try to get back to it over the holidays.

Pastries

Rarely ever. You try working in a bakery for 3 years. It kills your appetite.

Coffee

White coffee, Moccha Frappé - just not now.

Well, a day later than I had planned, but I was soooo tired last night from reading up on Old English ;)

And first of all, Happy Birthday Mum!!! :) She's turning 57 today and having a nice relaxing day with my dad in Baden-Baden. Shame there is no Lush shop anymore ;)

About myself... I'm having a lot of ups and downs at the moment, which I know is normal at the beginning of therapy. I'm quite fine actually, I feel very glad to be able to go there. It just takes so much energy, and I`m totally drained after every session. I have a new diagnosis, though, which I think fits me better than the general "Panikstörung" did. It's "soziale Angststörung" now. If you want to know more about it, this site helped me a lot.

It doesn`t explain everything though. I guess I`m just a weird person. It doesn`t really explain why I`m so scared of being away from home, and it doesn't explain why aesthetically displeasing things give me panic attacks. Which I`ve never heard about before anyway. But it's a start, and I feel like I`m making progress already. I always have to fill in a lot of questionnaires, which help me understand why I react certain ways in certain situations, and it gives me courage. I've met O. at his new home last week, something which I would NEVER have done before. And I ate with him. So, little things, but things I haven't done in a long time.

Some things are still frustrating, though. This morning (for the third week in a row) I woke up early, being really nervous about the tutorial. It`s just stupid. I've done it for a long enough time now and I`ve worked with this group for the last 3 weeks, yet every Saturday night I go to bed with a nervous feeling and every Monday I wake up early. It`s like that feeling in general: I know that my thoughts are completely irrational, yet when I am in these situations, I start panicking. It is stupid when you think about it.

I`ve also become more jealous. Well, not really jealous, I just don`t like hearing anything about A.'s ex-girlfriends. It gives me a very bad feeling and my mood drops to -100 immediately. And I then need a lot of reassurance until I feel better. I know it`s hard on him as well, because I can be very clingy then, but that`s what it is. I can`t change myself over night. And he still says I shouldn't worry and we`ll work it out together. So that is good, methinks.

Alright, so youk now more or less what occupies my days at the moment. It really isn`t that bad a lot of the time. After all, I am still functioning normal as long as I don`t have to do anything that scares me. Other people can't even leave the house or could never study and teach other people like I do. It might be something I should be proud of myself for. I`m trying... and you know what they say (they = O`Neill): If at first you don`t succeed, try, try, try, try, try, try and try again! ;)

Just a quick note to let you know that I`m ok. Lots of stuff going on at the moment, but I will post again tonight or tomorrow to update you.

Thank you SO MUCH for all the comments on my last post. I didn't want to reply because I don't know what to say, but it meant a lot to me. Thank you.

P. is dead. He died in a car accident on Sunday night. The traffic light showed red and he still crossed, crashing into another car and then a lamp. He was dead immediately. He was only 29 years old.

I'm shocked. I don't know what to think or feel. I somehow thought that one day we would see each other again and that we could talk again and resolve the issues. But I will never have the chance to do that. The last words will always be "I never want to hear from you again".

And I'm also angry at him for crossing the red light. Maybe he was drunk, maybe just reckless... he was like that, when I knew him. I don't think he changed. And I'm angry at myself for being angry at a dead person that I once loved. A great, funny guy who didn't take things too seriously and who could always make me smile.

I do hope that you find the peace that you've been looking for all your life. I do hope you're happy, and that you'll forgive me, or have forgiven me, for the pain I caused you.

I just wanna talk to somebody. And there is nobody.

Kleiner Hilfreruf:

Nach Playstation und Mp3 Player hat jetzt auch mein Laptop den Dienst aufgegeben. Wer also noch irgendwas altes zuhause rumstehen hat und in Erwägung ziehen würde, mir das bis nach Weihnachten auszuleihen... immer her damit :) Es lebt sich nicht gut so techniklos. 

Just some pictures of my ( new/old haircut )

The ISLE conference is in Freiburg at the moment, a conference for linguistics of English. And I met and listened to people like DAVID CRYSTAL! Dear God! I thought I would faint... he is SUCH a great person and such a great speaker and gave me tons of inspiration... and Geoffrey Leech is there, dear me, and Jeff Pullum... it really makes you wanna pee your pants.

Just so that you guys have something to laugh about

Ps: I didn't write the text myself, I guess it shows.

Today was the second appointment at the therapist's. It was very strange and uncomfortable for me, having to listen to how A. sees the situation and me and what he would want for me to do. I'm stopping to see the purpose of the whole thing, to be honest. I don't know how I can ever be happy again. I would have to do things I don't want to do and I'm just desperate. I just want to be left alone. Instead people cloud me from all sides trying to tell me what to do. It's suffocating. My parents are forcing me to stay with them for some time and the thought alone is making me sick. I don't fucking want to stay with them. It's not relaxing at all, it's stressing me and I'm panicking and it's not what I need. But how do you tell your parents that you don't want to see them, that the thought of having to spend more than a day with them makes you physically sick?

I tried to go to France on Saturday. I thought it would help me feel a bit more independent. Instead I got lost in a private garage, which was like a maze - the exit was closed and so was the entry and I was locked inside that dark place. I felt horrible. I thought I would never get out again. And when I did, I drove the car right against a bollard. Again. I suppose I will have to accept that I've arrived at the bottom. That there is nothing which can help me.

I can't sleep at night, I don't want to, either. I don't want to eat. I don't care anymore. I just want to cry until I can't even do that anymore.

Back from my first session with the new therapist. Well, it was a "getting to know you" session actually. The real therapy won't start till October, if everything goes smoothly.

It was good, though. I don't think I've ever talked this much about myself and the attacks. I was pretty close to crying a few times, but I feel surprisingly calm now. I have to answer a questionnaire now. A. does, too. He has to answer questions about how he perceives me. Urgh. Not sure I want to know that ;) Then we will go there together next Monday so he can tell them what he thinks could help me.

Being taped is a funny feeling. You know there are cameras everywhere and you have to talk about your innermost feelings. Strange. Very strange. But I guess I'm going to forget they're there after 2 or 3 hours.

Anyway.

I'm going to fix dinner now and then have a nice, quiet evening.