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[10/10/08] |
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The ISLE conference is in Freiburg at the moment, a conference for linguistics of English. And I met and listened to people like DAVID CRYSTAL! Dear God! I thought I would faint... he is SUCH a great person and such a great speaker and gave me tons of inspiration... and Geoffrey Leech is there, dear me, and Jeff Pullum... it really makes you wanna pee your pants.
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| ~...I will love you more than that...~ |
[09/24/08] |
Just so that you guys have something to laugh about
Ps: I didn't write the text myself, I guess it shows.
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| ~...riflesso sull'asfalto l'odore della pioggia..~ |
[09/08/08] |
Today was the second appointment at the therapist's. It was very strange and uncomfortable for me, having to listen to how A. sees the situation and me and what he would want for me to do. I'm stopping to see the purpose of the whole thing, to be honest. I don't know how I can ever be happy again. I would have to do things I don't want to do and I'm just desperate. I just want to be left alone. Instead people cloud me from all sides trying to tell me what to do. It's suffocating. My parents are forcing me to stay with them for some time and the thought alone is making me sick. I don't fucking want to stay with them. It's not relaxing at all, it's stressing me and I'm panicking and it's not what I need. But how do you tell your parents that you don't want to see them, that the thought of having to spend more than a day with them makes you physically sick?
I tried to go to France on Saturday. I thought it would help me feel a bit more independent. Instead I got lost in a private garage, which was like a maze - the exit was closed and so was the entry and I was locked inside that dark place. I felt horrible. I thought I would never get out again. And when I did, I drove the car right against a bollard. Again. I suppose I will have to accept that I've arrived at the bottom. That there is nothing which can help me.
I can't sleep at night, I don't want to, either. I don't want to eat. I don't care anymore. I just want to cry until I can't even do that anymore.
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| ~...When are you gonna sleep tonight...~ |
[09/03/08] |
Back from my first session with the new therapist. Well, it was a "getting to know you" session actually. The real therapy won't start till October, if everything goes smoothly.
It was good, though. I don't think I've ever talked this much about myself and the attacks. I was pretty close to crying a few times, but I feel surprisingly calm now. I have to answer a questionnaire now. A. does, too. He has to answer questions about how he perceives me. Urgh. Not sure I want to know that ;) Then we will go there together next Monday so he can tell them what he thinks could help me.
Being taped is a funny feeling. You know there are cameras everywhere and you have to talk about your innermost feelings. Strange. Very strange. But I guess I'm going to forget they're there after 2 or 3 hours.
Anyway.
I'm going to fix dinner now and then have a nice, quiet evening.
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| ~...THIS LIFE IS TOO SHORT TO LIVE IT JUST FOR YOU...~ |
[08/30/08] |
I saw The Dark Knight last night. I didn't think I'd like it quite this much. You know what they say about comics being turned into movies - no plot, just loads of stuff blowing up and a girl and a boy, etc, etc. It wasn't at all like that - it had it, certainly, but it was a good mix. And yes, Heath really did outact everybody. He really scared me, but at the same time he had some funny lines which made me laugh. Which is probably what was supposed to happen - that you were shocked and disgusted but still couldn't help laughing at his jokes. So I suppose he'll get that Oscar and he deserves it. Didn't think I'd think that either. I'm no fan of lauding people just cause they're dead. But I'm sad for him, because he really was such a talent and the whole world would've opened up for him after that performance... it's just very tragic that he'll never have the chance to live it.
Other than that, I've found myself a new therapist. Multiple ones, actually. It's at the psychological institute from the university which hire people who are fresh from uni, so the sessions get taped and they watch it later on with a more experienced therapist. Which is good, I suppose. The first appointment is next Wednesday and then the week after I'm to bring A. For whatever the reason. The woman sounded really nice, though, and she also talked about doing some exercises with me, which is probably necessary.
Also I've had this funny feeling about Mr. Carter lately. Like something is wrong (more wrong than usual, I mean, I am quite aware of the chaos he repeatedly steers himself into). Maybe I'm hallucinating but I sure hope he's fine and happy... Not that I could do anything if he wasn't, but it sometimes seems to me like he just needs some stability and someone he can come home to. And I'm not talking Jack Daniel's.
R. has been on holidays for 3 weeks now. It seems like AGES to me. It's just not very nice to be stuck in this place and not be able to just call her up to get some coffee or some such. I've grown so used to seeing her all the time that I feel really lonely. Although I do meet other people, of course, it's just not the same. *headdesk*
I should really go to bed. Spent 6 hours today de-cluttering my apartment and cleaning it. It feels much less suffocating now, though, and I'm glad I did it. It gives me the great feeling of being able to go to bed and wake up in a brand-new home ;-)
So sleep well, everyone. I do hope you're all fine, too.
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| ~ You're every song I sing along cause you're my everything ~ |
[08/13/08] |
The last few weeks have been very busy for me. After I quit my job I felt pretty awful. I don't like not having money, and it was looking kind of grim for me. But I tried everything to get jobs and now they come flooding in ;)
I recently translated a bunch of medical records, which are really difficult, I can tell you.
I also correct term papers. I finished one today which was really good. So, if anyone of you knows someone who needs a term paper proofread, please tell them I'm available! ;)
Then I'm also a mystery shopper, which means that I check out gyms and rate them on how friendly the staff is, how clean everything is, etc. I'll do that for the first time in two weeks and I hope it will be fun.
Yesterday I also got a call from someone who'd read about me proofreading papers and he wants me to regularly read stuff for his company. He does web-based stuff. He could also use me for videos, he said, if he likes my English. So I'll meet him next week and if that goes well, it would be awesome.
And I'm still writing articles for that internet page about Freiburg.
Oh, and not to forget that I really should get my own term paper done. So YES, I'm busy! :) It feels good though. It feels good to know you're earning enough money to get through the next month. Let's hope it stays like that in September.
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| WTF? |
[08/08/08] |
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I just met D., an old friend of mine. We grew up together and basically spent the whole childhood together. His brother and I went to school together for 13 years. Before tonight I hadn't seen him for at least 4-6 years. I wouldn't have recognized him at all, but he called out for me when I left the movies. He is HOT. I was struck speechless for a second :D I was like "WTF? Last time I saw you you were 15 or so!" All that prevents me from marrying him on the spot are his parents. I know them, and trust me, you would not want to be related to them. Oh, and I'm taken already, of course. La la la... :D
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[08/01/08] |
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After the first day in the new/old job I hate it. I don't like the collegues and I don't see how I can manage to work there for 2 months. I don't even want to go back tomorrow. I feel horrible and lonely, and I just want to cry.
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| Apocalypse now |
[06/29/08] |
Please, someone, let me know I'm not the only one who feels like the world has ended.
And if one more person says some shit like "it's just a game", I'm going to punch them. I'm serious.
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[06/26/08] |
Just wanted to say thanks for all your lovely birthday wishes!!
I'm sick again at the moment, so only a short note from me - I very much appreciated it and it made me smile!!
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| ~*...I'm not gonna write you a love song cuz you ask for it...*~ |
[06/05/08] |
I wanted to write a blog entry for ages, but just didn't get around to doing it, what with being sick and then having to do so much for university to keep up.
I don't like university much at the moment. I like Mrs. H.'s Hauptseminar (she's the best, really), and I like teaching students a whole lot, and I still love Russian, but the rest of it... I'd rather it be over already. Some people just have a talent for not being able to structure their class (or even what they are going to say), some people can make a vampire fall asleep (and with me, it really doesn't take much), and some people I just dislike the second I see them. There are few people who can truly annoy me just by lecturing, but there is one person that I truly hope I will never have to see again after this semester (and I swear, if I hear "that wouldn't make much sense" coming out of her mouth once more, I'll scream!! - 56 times in 90 minutes is just TOO MUCH).
But of course I won't give up, because things like that make me feel challenged. I like being challenged. I don't fight fair and I don't like losing.
And a good thing about university: I like most of my fellow students, which I see quite a few times a week. Have managed to become a bit closer acquainted with some of them, which is good. It makes presentations much easier! :-)
And then some very strange things happened: people told me I always looked so well-groomed and glamourous. Me = gobsmacked. I know I've changed my style a bit this year, because I somehow feel a lot more confident to wear skirts and dresses. But it's not what I'd call anything fancy. Just because I will NEVER wear leggins underneath skirst or (God help me) these awful espandrillos doesn't mean that I'm trying to look chic every day. Still haven't quite gotten over the shock of hearing that ;-)
I did go to that blasted wedding after all. Was thinking about not going or wearing something completely atrocious, but that would've made me look bad. So I tried to look nice and forget about how strongly I dislike the family (something to do with my grandmother, another long story). And yes, it was a complete disaster, but at least now I know what my wedding is definitely NOT going to look like (should I ever be lucky enough to be asked by someone).
Also I was thinking about quitting therapy. Not going there for 2 months was nice, somehow. Nobody pried, nobody asked any awkward questions, and I didn't have to think about the future. But I also noticed that I kept bottling things up so that I didn't have to think about them, which probably isn't healthy. I don't trust people with my problems. I don't talk about them in therapy. Not really. So there isn't much point in going. But there is less point in not going. We'll see how it all turns out. (Where is the Doctor when you need him??)
Oh, speaking of the Doctor: WTF? Who told them that cliffhangers were cool? They're NOT! And who is that woman with that blue book? I never thought I'd say this, but I truly hope she's not another one of his companions. I've grown used to Donna (grudgingly). Oooooh, and another thing: who else just LOVED the Agatha Christie episode? *squee*
Other than that, my personal life is going quite well actually. A. and I are as happy as ever (you'd think it would become boring after a while). With "friends" it's not quite that easy: I won't say much now, just this: It's ok if you decide to leave my life. Feel free to do so. But if you do, DO NOT go and write me a cheerful e-mail after years as if nothing had happend. It makes me ANGRY. And also, feel free to try to lure people in with pretty metaphors. It's not about the nice words, you know. It's about the things you don't say.
And as I don't want to end the entry with something negative, let me quickly announce that tomorrow is going to be a holy day! In other words: Lush opens in Freiburg!! They're not gonna have anything left after I've been there, I fear ;-)
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| ~*...Happy Birthday...*~ |
[05/19/08] |
~ The glory of friendship is not the outstretched hand, nor the kindly smile, nor the joy of companionship; it is the spiritual inspiration that comes to one when he discovers that someone else believes in him and is willing to trust him with his friendship. ~
(Ralph W. Emerson)
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[05/09/08] |
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I wish it was Sunday already and I didn't have to take the antibiotics anymore. I got new ones yesterday and don't react too well to them yet. They knocked me out clean after an hour of taking them and when I woke up I was so disoriented that I didn't even know where I was, what day it was or what time. And for the past hour I've been feeling like utter crap. I wish I could just hide underneath my bed and cry. I feel like such a major failure, that I can't get anything right and that I'll never be able to get past my issues. It's just not me. I want me back.
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| ~*...Si tu n'étais pas la - Comment pourrais-je vivre?...*~ |
[05/08/08] |
I'm really glad I said something this time. Usually, when things don't go my way, I either try to subtly make some changes or ignore it. I usually don't say anything because I'm afraid of the response. If I want something the other person does not, there could be an argument. And I don't like arguments. It took me two days, but I said something, this time. Because I promised I would. And because I didn't have anything to lose.
I know I'm difficult to be friends with. I'm not an easy person to start with. And I'm insecure. I don't know how to be a good friend really. I'm glad I managed to make some friends.
They are either a) someone I met by chance and got to know out of necessity or b) someone I really wanted to get to know (b is a very small group).
What is common to them all is that it took me some time to settle down. Letting people get to know me is difficult for me, but once I decide to try, I try with all my heart. I don't do things halfheartedly. Which can be quite overwhelming for the other person, I imagine. I just take some time to find my place in the other person's life. I can be clingy at first, when I don't yet know where I belong. I've gone through that phase with all my friends.
I'm glad I said something this time. It shows me I've learned something about myself, and that I can be honest with myself. And I'm sure I'll settle down soon.
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| ~*...What if I say I will never surrender?...*~ |
[05/04/08] |
I feel horrible again. Started off last week with a sore throat and thought it was one of the allergies again, so I took some meds and thought it would help. Well, it didn't. By Thursday I could hardly swallow. I still didn't take it very seriously, but when I couldn't sleep at all on Friday and was awake by 7 already, I thought seeing the doctor couldn't hurt.
So I was diagnosed with acute infection of the lymph nodes. Awful, awful, awful! Third day of taking antibiotics today and I don't feel at all well. I can't speak for long, I can't do anything for long (because after one or two minutes I start feeling faint). Also I can't eat, of course, because swallowing hurts too much. And I can't sleep, because falling asleep would mean that I would have to be able to ignore the pain. And I feel either hot or cold, there doesn't seem to be a normal body temperature anymore.
The thought of having to go to university tomorrow makes me sick. And the doctor said if I don't feel OK by Monday (ergo, tomorrow), I would have to come back immediately and would be sent to the hospital then. OVER MY DEAD BODY. Snowballs will dance in hell before someone gets me into a hospital.
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| ~*...and I will never give you up or let you go...*~ |
[05/01/08] |
I'm trying to read a text on Semantics and I don't understand anything. What's the difference between sentence, statement, utterance and proposition? A statement is a sentence, isn't it? An utterance is a spoken sentence. And a proposition? God knows what. I hate it. I don't know when I last didn't understand a text I read. As in didn't understand a thing. And I don't want to understand. I don't like the professor and I'm just in a bad mood generally. Bah. I'm stressed.
On to nicer topics. I've finally finished Hector's Reise. It was a nice book. I did smile from time to time and I recognized myself from time to time, too. I don't think it made me happy. I don't think a book can make you happy. But it certainly made me realise that I'm not as unhappy as I thought I was. Maybe I should tell that the French lady when I see her tomorrow. Urgh, another not-so-nice topic. With all the stress and everything I have to do at the moment, I somehow mentally abandoned the idea of going abroad. Don't know if it's because I'm sick of worrying about it, because I feel like there is no time to even consider it at the moment or because I'm just not interested in it anymore.
Also I'm a bit confused at the moment. Ever since it went downhill last time, I'm kind of afraid to attach myself to someone, because I don't want to be disappointed, I don't want to be hurt, and I'm afraid I'll make the same mistakes again and hurt the other person. At the same time I know I'm already attached anyway, so I might as well try again and hope it will work out like I want it to.
And I really have to get back to that stupid text now. *sighs*
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| ~*...and some things are the way they are, and words just can't explain...*~ |
[04/26/08] |
I'm very embarrassed to have to ask this, but could someone tell me which one is the right option?
a) Ich kenne beide spannende Bücher.
b) Ich kenne beide spannenden Bücher.
Both sound awfully funny to me. A. laughed at me. He laughs at me all the time because I make mistakes in what is supposed to be my native language. When I had dinner with my mum last night, I talked to her a lot and really quickly and suddenly started using English words, too. Argh, I'm going down.
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[04/25/08] |
If I could say something, I would. But I can only cry.
Ignore me. I'm being stupid.
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