| killing me inside |
[12 May 2009|09:10pm] |
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Whats happened to me? Everything falls through
This can't be real, I can't tell no more
Please help me I'm falling, falling under again
Feels like I'm drowning inside
And this is my life.
It's over again. Please come to my rescue
And everything is breaking down I know
Please help me I'm falling, falling under again
Feels like I'm drowning inside
And this is my life
It's all falling down, it's all coming down
Look around it's all falling down it's all breaking down
What I've found were all falling down, were all melting down
It's all over. I still need it. It's all over.
Please help me I'm falling, falling under again
Feels like I'm drowning inside
And this is my life
Please help me I'm falling
I'm dying tonight
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| Sometimes . . |
[06 Apr 2009|03:31am] |
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How can I be bored when I have so much to do?
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| Ancient Egypt |
[08 Oct 2008|12:16pm] |
What really bothers me and always has, is that people keep saying, as if the statement was true that, slaves built the pyramids in ancient Egypt!
I want to slap those people around with a history book (an updated one! not one who spread those lies to begin with!) even at school I had to hear that bullshit!
while it has been proven now, and a long time ago already, that slaves. did not. build the damned. piramides!
That was a sacred job reserved for the egyptian population themselves! As you may well know, the pharaos were considered to be Gods on earth, and they were adored as such (well.. most of them.. or at least feared as such.. I wouldn't claim all pharaos were good people) most of the egyptians considered it to be a real honnor to build something for their God on earth, it was religious. The people working on the pyramids were people who worked on the land (and couldn't work when there was the flood of the Nile) and proffesional workers, they were all payed! Payed in oil, bread and other food supplies, that's how workers were usually payed back then! There is proof of this, and still everyone hangs on to the old image of the poor slaves being whipped, it's a false image, so all you need to update yourselves..
While I'm sure the slaves did not build the pyramids, I do not claim there were no slaves at all, cause there were. Slaves were usually used in homes as servants or working on the land, they were usually well treated by most egyptians, and there were laws and regulations for slave matters aswel. But you know as well as me that there are bastards everywhere and in all ages, so I'm sure some didn't treat their slaves well.. Slaves were usually obtained from won battles or criminals who were punished, things like that. They probably did most of the 'dirty work' in egypt, but they could buy/work themselves free and often became egyptian citizens (though not always).
I would strongly recommend reading Christian Jacq's books, my favourite writer of ancient egyptian romans (based on true historic facts) and egyptologue.
ps: The people now living in Egypt, are NOT egyptians! at least not the same egyptians who lived back then in ancient Egypt, cause they were a race of their own, now arabians live in Egypt, and the pure egyptian race does not exist anymore. Some arabians living in egypt might have a little ancient egyptian blood though, from anscestors.
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| yeah whatever, after all |
[10 Aug 2008|02:16am] |
I still recall the taste of your tears
Echoing your voice just like the ringing in my ears..
My favorite dreams of you still wash ashore
Scraping through my head 'till I don't want to sleep anymore....
You make this all go away
You make this all go away
I'm down to just one thing
And I'm starting to scare myself
You make this all go away
You make this all go away
I just want something
I just want something I can never have...
You always were the one to show me how
Back then I couldn't do the things that I can do now
This thing is slowly taking me apart
Grey would be the color if I had a heart
Come on tell me
In this place it seems like such a shame
Though it all looks different now,
I know it's still the same
Everywhere I look you're all I see
Just a fading fucking reminder of who I used to be
Come on tell me
I just want something I can never have
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| from below |
[23 Jun 2008|10:26pm] |
Feels like the weight of the world
like God in heaven gave me a turn
don't cling to me, I swear I can't fix you
still in the dark, can you fix me?
Freefall, freefall, all through life
If you love me, then let go of me
I wont be held down by who I used to be
she's nothing to me
Feels like the weight of the world
like all my screaming has gone unheard
and oh, I know you don't believe in me
safe in the dark, how can you see?
Freefall, freefall, all through life
If you love me, then let go of me
I wont be held down by who I used to be
If you love me, then let go of me
I wont be held down by who I was
If you love me, then let go of me
I wont be held down by who I used to be
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| The curse. |
[22 Jun 2008|03:26am] |
And suddenly it hits me....
Tuesday evening . . . .
I just had turned the key, and came into the house where my family was waiting. My wife, my two teenage children and my brother in law were sitting in the living room as I entered. I just had a wonderful day at the office, where I was working as a police officer, as I was promoted after catching a dirty cop who tried to live up to his arrogance and mainwhile had lost himself in the spiderweb of lies he created along the way. It took a while but I had won. As I hang my coat I remember the past events as if it was yesterday: the man was on his knees on the floor begging for mercy as he was thrown from his pedestale. A man who used to be the talk, the hero, had now been deminished to this broken creature. As I gazed upon the remains of this fallen angel I remembered the thoughts that crossed my mind when he warned me, howling he had been where I was. I didn't understand how anyone could ever end up like this, and how I sure wouldn't end up like this. No, I was better, I was the best. I remembered feeling so proud, so full of my success, so.. arrogant. I joined my spous and the rest of the company and shared the good news with them. Later we went to the restaurant to celebrate the occasion. Five months before. . . .
I had been working like mad fow months, neglecting my family, avoiding conflicts at home, emerging myself in this case.
I couldn't even remember the last time I ate when I was in the car that night, spying on a suspect.
Drinking the old coffee went cold from my thermos I watched the movements in front of me, when suddenly two men seperating themselves from the shadows caught my eye. It only took seconds for I realised I hit jackpot after all these months and it didnt take long before evidence was taken, back-up was called and I brought in the catch where we interogated the suspects the rest of the night.
Eventually at 5.27am we had a confession and the sergeant was arrested.
33 months later . . . .
I had been working even harder since the arrest. The papers had been screaming the scandal all over the place, but after a few months it started being forgotten. Still I had been a hero ever since. Everyone was especting me to save the day and of course I fullfilled that expection every time, afraid to let people down, I wanted to keep my status and the respect I never had before in my life. Finnaly I felt I had reached something in my life, I was being admired and recognized It had to stay that way and I did everything to keep it that way. Everything.
I am now here in the interogation room, but now I am sitting in the other chair. I am being asked questions and shouted at, they want to know everything and my game is over, I have to tell everything, I try to tell them the truth, I try to tell I did everything to be a good cop, to keep them satisfied. But that isn't what they want to hear and they will take turns to force it out of me, the words they want to hear. I am tired, but everything feels strangly familiar, but it feels so wrong.
Then it hits me.
The man interogating me most of the time. I know him. They keep saying to him he shouldn't be doing this, it was too close to him.
He is my brother in law, who looks at me with disgust and dismay, and I remember the look on that face I see in the reflection of the window in front of me.
After I confessed what I did, after it is over, I tell him I had been where he had been, as I remember feeling how he had, when I nailed my first big case, I warned him, but he looked at me with a slight arrogance in his eyes, but I could also read betray. He looked and said, 'I already heared that before, man. That is not original.' Then I realised why I was getting this familiar feeling..
My brother in law joined the police after my big succes, he had heared me telling everything that happened in detail, so he know what happened to that other guy, so of course my story must sound familiar to him to, and that way he breaks the cycle. The cycle of similar evidents that had been repeating themselves over and over again, like a curse. This made me realise the possibility for me to break out of it, cause I know how I will end up, cause I had been there before, but from the other side.
In a quick movement I grab my brother in law by the neck, so accute that nobody had the chance to realise what I was doing. I tell to everyone in the room to back off and let me out if they want this hero to see another day, I got nothing to lose. I slowly leave the interogation room with my brother in law still locked in my arms, but I miscalculate the situation for one moment, one agent outside causes chaos by making a wrong choice of action, as he shoots a bullet at me, he hits my brother in law in the chest, his three other bullets hit me in the stomac and right arm, as I fall to the ground, my brother in law collapses on top of me. The last moments I can remember are the terrified screaming voices of the people in the rest of the office. I see the face of the sergeant I arrested before me as my vision fades.
By Dark Sky (Julie J.) © all rights reserved. |
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| Pretences |
[22 Jun 2008|12:13am] |
I thought I was a fool for no-one
Oh baby I'm a fool for you
You're the queen of the superficial
And how long before you tell the truth
Glaciers melting in the dead of night
And the superstars sucked into the supermassive
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| sexuality and relationships |
[05 Jun 2008|03:28pm] |
Sometimes when I think about it, I think there isn't really a thing as sexual preferences, cause if you do think about it, it doesn't matter what gender the person you fall in love with has, cause you fall in love with the person, not their gender. Usually, deep feelings are for the inner aspects of a person, such as personality, humor, how you both connect, ideas etc. It isn't really a matter of gender, although it could be that as a woman, you are not particularly sexually or deeply attracted to how women usually behave, how they usually are, that is possible, some women don't have other women as friends or not many, same goes for men, men can prefere how women usually behave and usually think rather than how men do, and that is what they are attracted to. It could also be a fysical thing yes, but long term relationships don't usually work with only fysical.. Some men or women don't have a stable relationship, and are still looking, or don't look, but only look for one night stands or short term relationships or only fysical relationships, but they have their best friend(s), who they actually have a healthy relationship with, but it isnt sexual. Though the line is always very thin.. But you don't have to cross the sexual line to actually have a "real" relationship, some keep having sex with women, while they have all the other aspects of a true relationship with their best friend, who is their confident, the one who knows them best, who sheers them up, the one with whom they can talk about anything. But sometimes I think, if I were a man, wouldn't I be attracted to the same things as I am now? If it's beyond just fysical attraction, it doesn't matter. I know nature usually makes men and women fall in love, especially for reproduction purposes, but if you look for someone to actually share your life with, why limit yourself with gender? If you just happen to fall in love with someone of the same gender, why would it matter? If it's mutual, I would say it would be a shame to hold yourself back because of the thought they don't have the gender you were looking for.. But if you are really not fysically atracted, then yeah there is a limit, but it is still a deeper relationship you could have with your so called partner, so don't you actually have two relationships? one emtionally with someone and a fysical with someone else? Do people do that when they cannot find both things in the same person? Would that be it? Does it go well unless one of them complains that they want it all and don't wish to share you? Will the emotional one always succeed unless they are the one asking for more, and will the fysical one also fail as a result, but that if only the fysical one fails, the emtional one will last unless they ask for more?
Some women or men stay with a man or a woman because they don't want to be gay, and I'm sure some gay women or men who thought they were gay but fall in love with a man or woman anyway feel confused, wich is understandable, but it doesn't really matter in the end. Some people chose to not go for men or women, because of really bad past experiences with a gender. I would be jealous if I was a man and my woman had a very intimate relationship with one of her girlfriends, and I don't really talk about a sexual relationship, but a relationship of deeper communication, if she can tell everything to that girlfriend, but not to you as her partner, I'd say there may be something wrong, even if she only has sex with you; if you are suffering from it, cause I supose some don't really care, cause they may be happy with it that way. I think that is one of the confusing things of relationships. People say it is only a real relationship if there is sex, but don't you think someone can cheat on you even if they do not have sex? Wouldn't you envy the fact they are even closer then the both of you? Wouldn't you feel like a third wheel? It is hard to chose when you are that person who has two kinds of love, one sexual and the other on a deeper emotional level, maybe she doesn't want sex with her because the friend is a woman and feels limited cause "it's not how it is suposed to be" or because it's not that kind of a relationship, or because she is really not fysically atracted to that girl; but then the both of you still have a less intence relationship, and you share her with someone else, even if it's "only" emotionally. If you can accept that, that's okay for you, but personally, I would be confused, I would feel cheated and left out, and I think most people would be. They don't know what is going on, and how to define both relationships. Like I said before, some would say because there is no sex, it's not cheating and not a real relationship, but I kind of disagree. Sure people can and should have friends outside a relationship, but if it gets really deep... or what if the girl or boy you have a relationship with has a very deep relationship with someone of the opposite gender of them, but the same gender as you, or the same gender as them and opposite of you, prior to their relationship with you? Even if they never had a sexual relationship, but they are so close, that you really have to share your partner with them on a deep level, I think most won't even begin with that, cause your relationship won't be only the both of you, it won't be as exclusive and unique, that third person will always be there, as a shadow. There's also something called platonic love, and there are asexual people on this planet too, who have relationships without sex, or they do have sex to please their loved one, but they don't particularly crave it. There are quite many ways to love someone, and many lose themselves between the boundaries set by morality and such, and don't know what is actually going on.. I think many don't want that confusion, cause it can really ruin things. Things as relationships and personal happyness. But there is no reason why you can't have close friends when you have a relationship, just as long as that relationship doesn't get deeper than the one with your partner, cause then I think trouble will come from it.... Plus, you shouldn't stay in a relationship if you have the deepest feelings for someone else, it is not fair towards yourself nor the other person in the relationship.
But I'd say if you don't limit yourself and say everything is possible, then you are openminded what concerns sexual preferences, it could be you don't generally like women or men, and there for you label yourself gay or hetero, or because you have tendencies to prefere one of the two genders, but to me, deep feelings of love and mutual understanding don't limit themselves to things as gender.
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| Overpopulation of planet EARTH |
[25 May 2008|06:19pm] |
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One thing I don't understand is why people still have so many children. They want a big family and so they make lots of children, forgetting there are already waaaaay too many humans on this planet! Not to forget about all the unwanted children. People don't want to have safe sex, because of many bullshit reasons going from religion to pleasure, all not valuable. If you want a big family per se, adopt children who don't have parents! Have one or two of your own and then stop and think, cause if we keep procreating like this, there will be no place on this planet soon enough. It will be like living in can of sardines! This planet is already so crowded! Forests and nature are being killed and ruined because there needs to be more houses (eventhough there are so many bastards who own lots of houses, while they don't live in them and leave them unhabitated, or the state that doesn't make them habitable so they can rent or sell them to particulars; while some people can't find a place....). This planet is so crowded and people still keep on making too many babies... Not too mention the impact it has on the environement.. we humans are horribly poluating this planet, and children need diapers, that's how they contribute to this polution, wheiter you go for reutilisable diapers or throw away diapers, cause the ones you can wash: you need to wash a lot and regularly, probably every day more than once, not good for environement, and the ones you throw away, well that doesn't need explanation. Unless you have them cleaned by a service who cleans large quantities at the same time, but then it needs to be available in your neighorhood. But I'm drafting.. My point is, large families contribute to polution and overpopulation more than anything else. I wish people would stop when they had one or two and then eventually consider (LEGAL) adoption. Or get a pet from the shelter and give them a better life if you like to take care of others.... Speaking of pets, people do the same with their pets, they want them to have babies regularly, or they don't spay them after they had a litter, so they keep on having babies, and where do they go? Will they get a good life with a good family or will they end up on the streets? or killed? or abused? or in a shelter? or abonded because their owners didn't want to keep taking care of them? or because they got tired of it?
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| living creatures |
[18 May 2008|11:12pm] |
Men who refuse to accept women are just as good or bad as men, are just afraid women will do better than them.
They are so insecure about themselves that they feel the need to supress women and treat them as less so they can stay "on top".
They also seem to not understand there's no garantuee for how you are born, if you're born a male human, chances are just as big you could've been born as a female cat.
So respecting every form of life is not only being respectful to others, it's being respectful to yourself.
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| Sexism - female versus male |
[08 May 2008|04:09pm] |
It's funny how some men always try to find a reason to justify their lack of character when they say they cheat "because that's how men are built, because it's their urges". While it's just an excuse for them to be lazy, respectless and trying to prove they're better and above women, and women should be submitive in their opinion, using the animal kingdom as a comparison, while in a lot of animal societies, females rule. Maybe that's the reason a lot of spiders will eat their males after they chose to mate with that male? Bees have a queen, not a king. Females can use the same excuse for being polygamous, cause some animal females are the ones who have a harem or are the dominant ones (for example: jacana birds, horses also usualy have a dominant older female in the pack, some monkey sorts are also lead by dominant females, mongooses, in rabits it can also occure frequently that the female is dominant, etc.) Just to show that it sure isn't necesairy a fact that all males in nature rule and are dominant. Men like to pick out the examples where the males are in fact more dominant then females, how convinient, isn't it?
I think it shouldn't be a big deal, if some men (or women) want to be dominant, they should seek a more submitive female (or male) who accepts that, as long as they don't cheat behind the back of the partner, they should discuss if they want an open relationship, and not start with a relationship if they don't both agree on the terms, that to avoid unnecesairly hurting the other party, it's simple, just be open and honnest, don't seek excuses, don't act like a victim ("boohoo, I'm a man and that's my urges, it's your fault and not mine cause I'm a male. Cause if I have the urge to kill you for no reason except the fact I dispise the fact you act like a piece of shit, doesn't mean I'm entitled to do so, that would violate your rights to be alive and be yourself too, even if you violate my rights if you keep annoying me, but that doesn't harm me unless you really do harm me, then you should stop and avoid. That's just an example. You simply can't always have it your way. You can't always do the things exaclty like you want, that shouldn't stand in your way to be yourself and happy though.), take your own responsabilities and be a man (or a woman for that matter). So for example, if you wish to have multiple partners, you shouldn't go into a relationship unless you know that person agrees to that. If you want that relationship anyway, you'll have to do your part of complying, that's how relationships work, if you're not mature enough to understand that it's all about giving and getting, you shouldn't go into a relationship anyway, you'll only end up hurting yourself and other people.
Personally, I don't think women are superior, or that men are, I think everyone's just the same, trying to survive in this world. We all exist for one thing: procreation. Why? Good question. Another mystery of life, or probably one of THE mysteries of life?
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| Religion ~ Part deux |
[08 May 2008|03:26pm] |
Many people say religion is one of the biggest declination of war, but I think that's bollocks. It's not religion that causes war, it's people. People without respect, tolerance and insight. Bigoted people who can't see past their nose. Religion is not a bad thing, cause it can give some people a reason to live, a way to live, morals, a way to find themselves, to think, to recline, to meditate, to find strenght, hope or comfort. It's not necesairly a bad thing. It gets bad when people try to force other people to think the same way they do, when they use violence to try to convince others, when they don't accept differences, when they are being bigoted and one-sighted.
I have respect for religions, even if I don't convincly believe in a god. My stance would be 'maybe, maybe not'. Many of them religions have been so violent and abused in history, that they get a bad name, some people can't forget what happened, and they shouldn't, history should never be forgotten as it's a guideline for the future usually, cause history repeats itself when forgotten. Christianity has been abused a lot, just like islam. People use it as a medium for their intolerance, fear and aggresivity towards each other. Christianity has caused the death of millions, so has islam, but it's not because of the religions, it's because of the people. Saying religion is the reason, is not pointing the finger at the real problem, but just seeing one of the symptoms of the disfunction of humanity.
If people could just respect that not everyone has the same convictions in such a manner that it doesn't hurt anyone anyway in wich god you believe, there would already be much less problems.
Everyone is entitled to believe what they want, as long as it is not negative for other beings, and nobody can prove what's true anyway: there may be a god or many gods, there may not be any god, nobody knows!
Like somebody said a long time ago: the only thing you are certain to know, is that you don't know anything.
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[05 May 2008|12:58am] |
".. only, you and I get to mreow and they can't, 'cause it's illegal."
THE example of how Britney is predictable:
Movie from 2005 Just friends, quote: " I'm Samantha James, bitch! ". Remember her song from 2007? ROFL...! & If you see the movie, you understand what I mean.
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| sunowabi |
[01 May 2008|11:41pm] |
Man. I hate Justin Timberlake (like, 'hate' in as in not liking/appreciating his "music" etc. as I don't know the son of a bitch anyway), but I love that song what goes around, comes around, it sounds good.... I'm ashamed.
BUT I downloaded it, so he won't get any money for it from me! Nah! moehahahawhaha!
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| Ignorant, murdering, heartless sons of bitches !! |
[25 Apr 2008|02:55pm] |
Bah, why are there so many ignorant fucks on this planet?!
There's this great initiative, a bunny rescue, there aren't many, and they are dearly needed by the poor bunnies being abonded by their previous owners, and the commune is trying to shut them down, also because of complaints of neighboors. While they probably don't have any reason to complain, they have a goddamned home, and a good life, why would they whine about poor bunnies who already had a bad time? While the ladies tending that rescue work hard to keep it clean and take care of the bunnies? It's NOT fair! those complaining asses don't have any compassion, they are heartless monsters!
We started a petition: http://www.ipetitions.com/petition/konijnenburcht/index.html
And we are trying to help them informing if those bastards just can do that! They should applaud such a great initiative, they should be proud people doing such a thing in their community, but nooo, they are whinny selfish bitches :@ I hope it won't go through, cause they got a three month delay, and if they haven't placed all the bunnies by then, the commune will have the bunnies killed.................!
Appears these corrupted bastards spread faultive information and bribed people to vote against them may they ever try to go for a permit to keep their shelter, and they just don't have the strenght to go on fighting anymore. They don't want any media, cause they don't trust those will give out the correct information as it happened to them before. I believe they shouldn't give up, even if they're so fed up with this, cause if we don't stop this now, those corrupted imbeciles will be able to go on unpunished...
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| Eager |
[16 Apr 2008|03:22am] |
So some people say there are usually different levels in most things, and also in many shows/series/soaps/movies.
and that may be why things like the simpsons can be on day time tv, because kids don't "get" what's adult but do get it on a different level, appropriate for them. Like most disney movies. They can be interpretated in different ways, on different levels. While I may agree with that and see that point aswel, I don't think that's always a justification to just show it on day time tv, cause there are just thing children wont miss and still don't understand, things they're not ready to see, or they will understand but wont be able to place it because they're not developed enough for that. Plus children also copy a lot. Also behavior wise. So even if young people talk about sex as if they know all about it and express themselves sexually even at a early age, it doesn't mean they understand what they're doing, it just may be copy behavior, or instinctive, it doesn't mean they fully understand what it means, and what it is really about. They know by a certain age it's how people are reproducing themselves, then they feel it carries a certain tension. And there's a lot of pression in this world. Why anyway? Considering adults are confused daily about life, why would those young people know everything? Inteligence and rapidity of learning doesn't trade for wisedom you obtain over the years. Youth and innocence aren't a bad thing.
Weeds isn't even on TV anymore and I'm bored with people even more than ever. I keep observating other people, and it seems the feeling of that I am not one of them keeps growing every day.
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