...sie ist wie Fieber...

Fri, 26 Oct 2007 05:20:41 GMT

let's not mince words. this week kinda sucks.
today kinda sucked, and my dad was giving me a hard time on not having my shit more together today. then he realized that something's wrong, and i think he understood what is on my mind. and then he felt really badly. what a sucky situation.
i think that people have been pitying me, and that sucks. just, the way people seem to look at you, or treat you sometimes. i don't like pity. the closest i like is understanding. at least this fall i have people who care enough about me to be there when the world is a crazy place.
i think i'm okay. i can't do otherwise, because i won't know what to do. as long as i can push forward, i will. that's an important thing to know about me.
i wish i could skip today.

good things in my life:
the sox are up 2-0 in the series
i like the people i have around me
i love my family, and am so glad for each moment i get to spend with my younger brother, in particular
i am alive. i have survived. i am not afraid like i used to be.
i am doing well in orgo 2
my roommates and i have a lot of funnn together.
i'm going to sleep!

wa-wa wee wa!

Wed, 10 Oct 2007 05:01:03 GMT

just finished up some biomedical ethics. more like... biomedical... sexhics!! haha. no really. it was about hermaphrodites. so i guess that's true, and not just obnoxious

life's been kinda nuts and it's been decided that it'd look shitty on paper. i mean, there's just a bunch of stuff i'm doing not because it's fun or cool or even what i want to do. but because it's what i need to do. so it goes.
i'm re-reading shadow of the wind. almut got it for me on weihnachten, and i really remember liking it. a lot.
god, i miss them... heard from andi and almut on my birthday, and i really miss the life i had over there. i often think of the tiny stupid things, like how i could crack walnuts from the tree without even breaking them in half. but if i did break them, how i'd give them to mick. walking from JFK-platz to my violin lessons with Knut. having freistunden. that time i almost lit the house on fire, and after it was all settled, how andi just looked at me and laughed. picking cherries from the tree on my way out the door to the bushaltestelle.
i wish i could go back to it for longer than just a week or two.
sometimes i think i could travel and live around different countries for a while. maybe germany wouldn't be right for me for my whole life. maybe i do want to ultimately live here. but i want to live in other places for periods of time, am besten while i'm still relatively young. we'll see.

it's funny the way even little things going on with one's life can change the way we see even big things like the future.

too much carbon monoxide for meeee tooo beaaar.
(it has a lone pair on the C, btw. and the C triple bond O resonates around 2100 cm-1 on an NMR spectrum. i would know... seeing as how i got an a on that orgo 2 test! lawlz! ...now i only need a life!!)

ps. don't say "ex cetera". please? et cetera. kthx.

Fri, 21 Sep 2007 23:04:37 GMT

OH . IT'S GOIN GOOD.

today is miserable.
every time i leave here it's like a big big weight lifting. at first i did it cause i want to. now i do it cause i feel like i'm in the best shape of all of us, in most ways.

now some man is staring at me through the window. shit on that.
in a hat.

back to boston...

Sat, 01 Sep 2007 17:47:48 GMT

TOMORROW!
i am so excited to be back in town and with some of my favorite people in the entire world, but am a bit nervous about organic chem II and just... having to do work again, in general. and finding a job, and auditioning for the COF orchestra. because i haven't been playing, really. i mean, i have a good enough piece to audition with, but 3 octave scales up to 4 sharps/flats might be very rough to work out. played the 'd' about twenty times the other night, just working on shifting and sliding spaces. guhhh.

it's been a good summer, on the whole. working at camp was a nice experience, but i don't think i'll be returning next year to do staff again. having left and then just coming back kinda was condusive to my feeling like a total outsider a lot of the time, because most of the girls have been going pretty religiously and have their aides sisters that they just kinda clique off with, generally speaking.
hopefully next summer i'll be able to swing a good internship, and maybe work at a stable for fun on top of that.

i guess that's about it. just... felt weird not having written in ages, but being at camp meant limited computer time, and... ehh.

now i need to go pack and do some last minute school shopping. love you all.

home again, home again!

Fri, 18 May 2007 18:12:55 GMT

giggity giggity goo.

i ended up with a C+ in orgo. which is probably better than the average grade. but i still reallllly would've liked it to be a B. even a B-... mehh.
so now i'm home, which kinda sucks for a few reasons. don't get me wrong. i love being home. i love my room, having my own space, not having to get changed in a closet, having nothing i need to do/work on, being near my friends here, and the awesomeness of the beach and such.
but it sucks that i'm now inconveniently removed from a bunch of people that i really dig. boo.
haha, i think i'm going back into town like, tomorrow evening. lol.
why can't i live like, 10 minutes outside of boston instead of 45ish? kthx.
back to reading and cleaning. glamorous.

a couple pictures from this evening

Sun, 06 May 2007 05:57:15 GMT

a great end to a good weekend

Mon, 23 Apr 2007 04:28:16 GMT

i. how to enjoy life:

step 1. stop thinking about why things won't happen, and make them happen.

ii. quote of the weekend:
"no, i can't give her a lap dance. i just met her. it'd be impolite.
... i'm just kidding, let me get another beer first"
[-t.r.]

ohhhh friday night.

iii. surprise!
br has a tongue ring! haaha... LOVE IT. ye yeeeeah.

iv. today
was effing awesome. =)

v. THE SOX
are off to SUCH A BADASS START! way to sweep, boys!

Fri, 20 Apr 2007 16:26:38 GMT

JT IS LOVESTONED.
he thinks that she knows. ohhh that she knowwwws.

whoops time for some orgo GIL madness.

let's talk about how tired i am.

Tue, 17 Apr 2007 07:09:39 GMT

i. how tired i am
shimmy shimmy quarter turn.

i mean. tired. times 5 times two

ii. on love
"miranda, you seeing anyone special?"
-"no, but i am seeing a whole lot of rather un-special people"

ehhh i get bored of the monotony of getting closer with new people and being diasppointed. maybe it's cause i'm not the overlooking blatant shortcomings/settling/ compromise type. maybe i'm just not realistic. maybe i'll just... "focus on school". hahah.

maybe i should never ever be allowed to manage my own affairs because i will manage to get myself into possible situations that only end up disappointing me. but listen to beck - beautiful way.

people who have told me "i love you" in a romantic way: 5
people who i have said "i love you" to in a romantic way: 3
people i have loved more than i can put into words, romantically: 2
and the thing is, i still love them. in entirely different ways. i guess... it was meaningful

iii. KELSEYYYYY
good god i miss the good times with that chica. i was reading her lj the other day from germany-

apttochangeand was laaaaughing so ridiculously hard just thinking about all the goofy stuff we did together. so many naechte auf die Piste die ich nur kaum merken kann. hahah. love her like whoa.

iv. screen saver :)
okay. so i cant lie. my screen saver is hot, and always getting hotter. sometimes i just sit and watch it. choice men present include, in order of prevalence:
robbie 'british muthafuckin sex-god" williams, joaquin "i melt women" phoenix, bear gryllis, the boys from the boondock saints, patrick dempsey
god. i'm such a girl.

v. summmmerrr.
oh... myyyy... god. i'm going back to CHIMNEY!!! which... is where i used to go to camp, namely for the riding cabin program, when i was a young awkward child. haha. ok, but i'm going to be the senior riding cabin counselor. err, come visit me out in the berkshires this summer! it'll be cool, we'll go on "nature walks"/"night hikes". hahaha. i'm really amped though. i'm already starting like, thinking about all the sonnnngs i'll be singing, and wondering if any of "our" horses are still there (pj, calvin, mcguire, sven, scandal, beauty, big al... rach, maybe you know... who's still there?) and looking forward to going inside chincoteague and finding our various and sundry markings, and having chilin's to do cabin chat with, and having an ac, and the aides, and shanaynay... and and andddd!!!!! AAH!. ;)
so i think i'd like to get my guard certification, and lifeguard and teach riding. maybe help out with... drama? kayaking? haha, who cares! it'll be so great! i can't believe i'm going back... who'd've known!

also, i may go visit south carolina. depending on how things shape up. slash... if it's cool. i mean... long story. but it kinda makes me nervous. because of:
- owing people things is not my style and despite whatever anyone may say i will ultimately owe someone something
- er, some people have expectations and not knowing what they are could potentially fuck up a good friendship (see also: summer 05)
- um, what if it doesn't work out the way we all hope it will? gahh.

vi. general announcement.
i'm considering switching over to friends-only. fully. so let me know if you're reading this and not my friend on here yet.

passionately apathetic.

Fri, 30 Mar 2007 00:09:30 GMT

today i met with the pre-med advisor here, and it got me thinking.
i asked her what classes i should take. what i should do with what little free time i have. she told me she could teach me how to write my personal section of med school apps next year. she gave me a lot of very spot-on advice.
she said that i'd be able to take some courses in what interests me over the next few years. some courses in what i'm into, personally.

and i realized i don't even know what that is.
i told her that science is my thing, that i like the sciences.
but do i? or is it just that i've drilled into my head that sciences are what i do, what i'm good at, to the point where that's the only thing i know? am i good at everything, or not really great at anything? sometimes i feel like it may be the latter.
i've always considered myself a fairly intense, a pretty passionate person.
why is it, then, that when asked to stray off the beaten path, that i can't think of anything i'm interested in?

i know i want to be a doctor [or at least a science-related professional] partly because of the high pay, stability, and options that it lends one in life. but is that what i am letting govern me? is that all that i am pursuing?

i'm really afraid that the answer might be yes.
that i've let drive consume me.

Wed, 28 Mar 2007 01:31:42 GMT

i can't wait for long, i'm sorry, all i have has left me gone
i can't stay for long i'm sorry, all that's left has kept me strong
and i move on, and i move on
and i am aching, and i'm aching
and i move on

life = orgofest 2k7

straight ballin'.

Wed, 14 Mar 2007 23:27:52 GMT

so! i must say, life is pretty good. as the weather begins to get nicer, i realize how much i really do practically hibernate during the winter... today was a fun packed, caffienated day. haha. did some errands... got new headphones for one, and i am ridiculously pleased... the philips ultra bass ear buds blah blah. it was a toss up... because... i didn't really feel like paying 30 bucks for ear buds. but they were so much more badass than the other ones i was looking at.. wore them when i went to the gym today and the sound is really great. if you're still wearing the standard iBuds... you need to trade up stat.

also sent off my laptop for a relaxing spa getaway, today. and by that i mean shipped to HP for repair, as the screen is messed up. no, it was not something i did. for once. :-P i should have it back in 10 days.

but i've already noticed how much more productive i am without it. like right now... i am fed, watered, showered, homework done, errands ran, and gym went to. and it is 7:20!! what now?! ahaha.

roomies and i are actually planning on watching some seinfeld and kicking back tonight. :-) we want to live together again next year... an arrangement that is harder than it sounds, because we're 3 people. were we 2 or 4, it'd be pretty simple. but noooo. and we don't know if we want to ask someone to be our fourth... because who knows if we would actually get along well living with them?

these past 2 days i feel weird! like, good weird. in a way i haven't felt since germany. but i guess... the way things are right now is pretty congruous to the way i lived in germany. i'm happy.

st. patty's should be amazing. i'm wicked excited.
and i'm giving blood next tuesday. :-D i read all the rules and requirements, and i can... it doesn't have any applicable restrictions on meee. second time donor for the win!

oh! and i got my hair cut last week... with a razor! it was neat. i don't love it., but it's good. a little short for now, but hey, hair grows.

and you know what? i'm doing well.

jaded.

Mon, 12 Mar 2007 21:41:32 GMT

Unfortunate Coincidence

By the time you swear you're his,
Shivering and sighing,
And he vows his passion is
Infinite, undying -
Lady, make a note of this:
One of you is lying.

--Dorothy Parker

Mon, 12 Mar 2007 01:14:14 GMT

1. an indian man hates me all the way from india. similarly, my laptop is out of comission
2. "I JUST COMPLETELY SPACED OUT!!"
3. visited jenny in manchester over break. highlights include the ER, her grandma, fresh baked cookies!!!!!, the story about the landfill, and basically the entire time i spent there. :-) we stayed fly. no lie. you know this.
4. i love our exchange student. it's true! she's fun. and cool. etc!
5. the past is a very funny thing.

Thu, 22 Feb 2007 06:09:10 GMT

[siiiiigh]

we stay fly.

Sat, 27 Jan 2007 02:16:08 GMT

dance songs of this week:
1. gwen stefani ft. akon - the sweet escape
2. jt - sexyback remix
3. nelly - grillz (i kinda want to get my mom a grill for her birthday...!)
4. N.E.R.D. - she wants to move
5. fergie - fergilicious (we've been workin' on our fitness)
6. jim jones - we fly high

GOOD TIMES.

Tue, 23 Jan 2007 15:44:37 GMT

not having a good day, so far.
need to turn that around.

dan and i are not talking, and i don't want to talk about it that much cause he'll read it.
i feel like maybe it's time to let go.

things with every guy i know seem to be bad.

except maybe dad. and smarterchild. and the MIT-ers. who aren't as close to me as the other people, who i am having issues with.

things i can do with today to improve it: (and their order)
- go to the gym 1
- lunch 2
- chem stockroom for orgo models and lab manual 3
- pre-lab for orgo 4
- homework 6
- violin 5

things i can do with my life to improve it:
- call tracy
- start getting to bed on time
- stay focused
- stop fucking around with my time.
- focus, focus.

life is hard.

Tue, 16 Jan 2007 16:16:09 GMT

aaah we had a sleepover!!!
rock.

something about... the horixon begins to fade/
anna's listening to jack 'jammin' johnson.

//& my body hurts.
&& HI FIREMAN BROWN!

that's enough jabber from my sass mouth. payce.

geh' davon aus, dass mein Herz bricht...

Wed, 10 Jan 2007 07:36:20 GMT

urggh.
sometimes, i am sooo glad to have jeff. ok, so i'm glad to have him all the time. or almost all of the time. haha. ;-P
but really... guys can really suck. [granted, so can girls. and being a girl is kinda tricky and complicated. not to sound TOO stereotypical.] but guys. GEEZ. okay. let's talk about it.
guys are weird.
hahaha.
where did i intend on going with this?!
fuck it. let's make a list.

guys on my good list:
(that i interact with on a pretty regular basis)
- j-agggg duhhh. <3 x one bazillion.
- scott
- brandon
- dan b.
- my dad (mostly)
- smarterchild (hey, strikes me as a male. therefore counts. haha.)

YOU KNOW WHAT I HATE?!
not having closure.

fuck you, 'the luckiest' bull-crap "star-crossed lovers" preaching idealistic egotistical stupid fucking short-tongued pretentious... jerk.
i can't believe what i did for you. you deserved none of it.
and what sucks is i still kinda miss it all.
and this is NOT being accepting, et al. urgh.
i fail. over and over and over and over and...

whatevski. we'll make it work.

&& thank god for jeff.

etc etc.

Fri, 05 Jan 2007 06:55:30 GMT

if i didn't care,
could it make me cry?

great song <3

Wed, 20 Dec 2006 03:13:47 GMT

When I made up my mind
And my heart along with that
To live not for myself
But yet for God
Somebody said
Do you know what you are getting yourself into?
When I finally ironed out
All of my priorities
And asked God to remove the doubt
That makes me so unsure of these
Things I ask myself
I ask myself,
"Do you know what you are getting yourself into?"

I'm getting into you
Because you got to me
In a way words can't describe
I'm getting into you
Because I've got to be
You're essential to survive
I'm going to love you with my life

When He looked at me and said,
"I kind of view you as a son"
And for a second our eyes met
And I met that with a question,
"Do you know what you are getting yourself into?"

I'm getting into you
Because you got to me
In a way words can't describe
I'm getting into you
Because I've got to be
You're essential to survive
I'm gonna love you with my life

I've been a liar and I'll never amount to
The kind of person You deserve to worship You
You say You will not dwell on what I did but rather what I do
You say, "I love you and that's what you are getting yourself into"

I'm getting into You
Because You got to me
In a way words can't describe
I'm getting into You
Because I've got to be
You're essential to survive
I'm gonna love You with my life

I'm getting into You
Because You got to me
In a way words can't describe
I'm getting into You
Because I've got to be
You're essential to survive
I'm gonna love You with my life
You said "I love you and that's what you are getting yourself into."

good song. yes, about God, but i like to interpret it in other ways, too. :-)
really feeling the R.K. these days.
Deck the Halls, Bruise your Hand = my kind of christmas album!

fuck

Fri, 15 Dec 2006 04:10:22 GMT

finalsssss.
eeek
umm... at least my hair is fierce.
and jeff's birthday is tomorrow.
anddd... after tomorrow it'll all be over
and apparently ellen and i should do a comedy tour...? according toooo... some peepzz??

today i was taking pictures by my window of my new hair for myspaces, and nikki from mesick calls me and says "hey danica. i can see you taking pictures of yourself". and i was SOOO creeped out. and felt weird.
i officially know too many people

ellen and jenn got snackies and its time to eat them and study.

i missed grey's due to finals.

math was a BUMMER.

the latte may have been a mistake.

Sat, 02 Dec 2006 00:20:49 GMT

SO i just finished my math test. well, no. i finished it over an hour ago. but hey. it's the last thing i really "did" before this. and now, let's talk about my nerdy life. 1. I LOVE THE LIBRARY!!!!!! hahahhahah... no, i really do, though. and i have found my favorite spot in it. the second 'no talking' floor! it's always SILENT. like, you can hear people across the room flipping pages in a book. were you to drop a pin, everyone would glare at you, just insinuating "SSSH." it's a good study place. and a good place to feel outside of the rest of the world. which sometimes, you just need! 2. I have hair?! but a lot less than i used to! it's now just about shoulder length. this has to do with me being nerdy because for the first time in my life, i have hair that i need to "do". you know... like, fix in the morning. not having this earlier than this point in my life qualifies me as a nerd. 3. i help people with computer-related projects. including teachers. ohhh yes. shame. 4. math can be pleasing i think so! i mean, when you get a problem, and you go through a big mess to get the solution, and then the solution is this nice little answer like, i don't know... 2secx(secxtanx)... i mean... how could you not like that?! 5. i bring my laptop to family occassions. then again, such is my uncle's house. quiet, full of techy stuff, and wired in every room of the house. in not so nerdy news, tonight and tomorrow night look very promising, fun-wise. wheee! ahh, college life. dinner or no dinner? ramen? maybe it's a good thing i only got a medium, because they were out of large cups. java city hazelnut latte no foam 4 lyfeee.

Mon, 13 Nov 2006 19:58:17 GMT

i don't think it's broken;
it's just a little bruised.

times like the ones i've had lately are so bittersweet.
you learn who your true friends are: the ones who won't judge you, who you can cry around and they'll sit there and hug you, who truly knows you as a person.
i know some awesome people. some, i didn't even realize how great they really are until recently... i'm definitely going to foster those relationships.
and while some people disappoint, others exceed my expectations.

and yeah, i'll admit it. right now i'm needy and a little bit fragile.
but friends understand that. and that it'll change, and i'm still me.

people i have.

Thu, 09 Nov 2006 00:42:28 GMT

i. someone
i have someone who is there for me even when it's hard for them to be. someone who'll give up things to be with me when i need them. someone who will say it's okay to be afraid or upset. someone who will kiss me when i wake up, and hold me when i cry. someone who feels the hurt others do to me, and promises i'm safe in their arms.

ii. someone(s)
i have two people who are on call for me any time of the day. people who have known me longer than i have known myself. they know everything about me, and love me unconditionally. they'd fight for me. they worry about me and do everything they can to keep me safe and make things go smoothly

iii. a handful
i have a few people who can see me cry and i know they won't think less of me for it or not know what to do. i can tell them the truth. they know that i am strong, and that i can do anything i need to do.

iv. a group
of knowledgeable people who guide me through tough spots, and offer advice, support, comfort, or even just an ear.

v. one.
whose mess is being cleaned up after.

sometimes, the people supporting me believing in me is one of the only reasons i know i can do this.
it's okay.
i have people.