today kinda sucked, and my dad was giving me a hard time on not having my shit more together today. then he realized that something's wrong, and i think he understood what is on my mind. and then he felt really badly. what a sucky situation.
i think that people have been pitying me, and that sucks. just, the way people seem to look at you, or treat you sometimes. i don't like pity. the closest i like is understanding. at least this fall i have people who care enough about me to be there when the world is a crazy place.
i think i'm okay. i can't do otherwise, because i won't know what to do. as long as i can push forward, i will. that's an important thing to know about me.
i wish i could skip today.
good things in my life:
the sox are up 2-0 in the series
i like the people i have around me
i love my family, and am so glad for each moment i get to spend with my younger brother, in particular
i am alive. i have survived. i am not afraid like i used to be.
i am doing well in orgo 2
my roommates and i have a lot of funnn together.
i'm going to sleep!
- Music:do crazed fans yelling in the street count?
just finished up some biomedical ethics. more like... biomedical... sexhics!! haha. no really. it was about hermaphrodites. so i guess that's true, and not just obnoxious
life's been kinda nuts and it's been decided that it'd look shitty on paper. i mean, there's just a bunch of stuff i'm doing not because it's fun or cool or even what i want to do. but because it's what i need to do. so it goes.
i'm re-reading shadow of the wind. almut got it for me on weihnachten, and i really remember liking it. a lot.
god, i miss them... heard from andi and almut on my birthday, and i really miss the life i had over there. i often think of the tiny stupid things, like how i could crack walnuts from the tree without even breaking them in half. but if i did break them, how i'd give them to mick. walking from JFK-platz to my violin lessons with Knut. having freistunden. that time i almost lit the house on fire, and after it was all settled, how andi just looked at me and laughed. picking cherries from the tree on my way out the door to the bushaltestelle.
i wish i could go back to it for longer than just a week or two.
sometimes i think i could travel and live around different countries for a while. maybe germany wouldn't be right for me for my whole life. maybe i do want to ultimately live here. but i want to live in other places for periods of time, am besten while i'm still relatively young. we'll see.
it's funny the way even little things going on with one's life can change the way we see even big things like the future.
too much carbon monoxide for meeee tooo beaaar.
(it has a lone pair on the C, btw. and the C triple bond O resonates around 2100 cm-1 on an NMR spectrum. i would know... seeing as how i got an a on that orgo 2 test! lawlz! ...now i only need a life!!)
ps. don't say "ex cetera". please? et cetera. kthx.
- Location:the lounge. my laptop might be... dead. uh ohs.
- Music:cake - wheels, carbon monoxide
today is miserable.
every time i leave here it's like a big big weight lifting. at first i did it cause i want to. now i do it cause i feel like i'm in the best shape of all of us, in most ways.
now some man is staring at me through the window. shit on that.
in a hat.
i am so excited to be back in town and with some of my favorite people in the entire world, but am a bit nervous about organic chem II and just... having to do work again, in general. and finding a job, and auditioning for the COF orchestra. because i haven't been playing, really. i mean, i have a good enough piece to audition with, but 3 octave scales up to 4 sharps/flats might be very rough to work out. played the 'd' about twenty times the other night, just working on shifting and sliding spaces. guhhh.
it's been a good summer, on the whole. working at camp was a nice experience, but i don't think i'll be returning next year to do staff again. having left and then just coming back kinda was condusive to my feeling like a total outsider a lot of the time, because most of the girls have been going pretty religiously and have their aides sisters that they just kinda clique off with, generally speaking.
hopefully next summer i'll be able to swing a good internship, and maybe work at a stable for fun on top of that.
i guess that's about it. just... felt weird not having written in ages, but being at camp meant limited computer time, and... ehh.
now i need to go pack and do some last minute school shopping. love you all.
- Location:the delux.
- Mood:
chipper - Music:fountains of wayne - leave the biker
i ended up with a C+ in orgo. which is probably better than the average grade. but i still reallllly would've liked it to be a B. even a B-... mehh.
so now i'm home, which kinda sucks for a few reasons. don't get me wrong. i love being home. i love my room, having my own space, not having to get changed in a closet, having nothing i need to do/work on, being near my friends here, and the awesomeness of the beach and such.
but it sucks that i'm now inconveniently removed from a bunch of people that i really dig. boo.
haha, i think i'm going back into town like, tomorrow evening. lol.
why can't i live like, 10 minutes outside of boston instead of 45ish? kthx.
back to reading and cleaning. glamorous.
- Location:dlax nation!
- Location:boston harbor
- Music:the cribs - majors titling victory
step 1. stop thinking about why things won't happen, and make them happen.
ii. quote of the weekend:
"no, i can't give her a lap dance. i just met her. it'd be impolite.
... i'm just kidding, let me get another beer first"
[-t.r.]
ohhhh friday night.
iii. surprise!
br has a tongue ring! haaha... LOVE IT. ye yeeeeah.
iv. today
was effing awesome. =)
v. THE SOX
are off to SUCH A BADASS START! way to sweep, boys!
- Location:swimm's
- Music:hellogoodbye - figures a and b
he thinks that she knows. ohhh that she knowwwws.
whoops time for some orgo GIL madness.
- Mood: goofy
- Music:Jizzle to the Tizzle
i. how tired i am
shimmy shimmy quarter turn.
i mean. tired. times 5 times two
ii. on love
"miranda, you seeing anyone special?"
-"no, but i am seeing a whole lot of rather un-special people"
ehhh i get bored of the monotony of getting closer with new people and being diasppointed. maybe it's cause i'm not the overlooking blatant shortcomings/settling/ compromise type. maybe i'm just not realistic. maybe i'll just... "focus on school". hahah.
maybe i should never ever be allowed to manage my own affairs because i will manage to get myself into possible situations that only end up disappointing me. but listen to beck - beautiful way.
people who have told me "i love you" in a romantic way: 5
people who i have said "i love you" to in a romantic way: 3
people i have loved more than i can put into words, romantically: 2
and the thing is, i still love them. in entirely different ways. i guess... it was meaningful
iii. KELSEYYYYY
good god i miss the good times with that chica. i was reading her lj the other day from germany-
![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
apttochangeand was laaaaughing so ridiculously hard just thinking about all the goofy stuff we did together. so many naechte auf die Piste die ich nur kaum merken kann. hahah. love her like whoa.iv. screen saver :)
okay. so i cant lie. my screen saver is hot, and always getting hotter. sometimes i just sit and watch it. choice men present include, in order of prevalence:
robbie 'british muthafuckin sex-god" williams, joaquin "i melt women" phoenix, bear gryllis, the boys from the boondock saints, patrick dempsey
god. i'm such a girl.
v. summmmerrr.
oh... myyyy... god. i'm going back to CHIMNEY!!! which... is where i used to go to camp, namely for the riding cabin program, when i was a young awkward child. haha. ok, but i'm going to be the senior riding cabin counselor. err, come visit me out in the berkshires this summer! it'll be cool, we'll go on "nature walks"/"night hikes". hahaha. i'm really amped though. i'm already starting like, thinking about all the sonnnngs i'll be singing, and wondering if any of "our" horses are still there (pj, calvin, mcguire, sven, scandal, beauty, big al... rach, maybe you know... who's still there?) and looking forward to going inside chincoteague and finding our various and sundry markings, and having chilin's to do cabin chat with, and having an ac, and the aides, and shanaynay... and and andddd!!!!! AAH!. ;)
so i think i'd like to get my guard certification, and lifeguard and teach riding. maybe help out with... drama? kayaking? haha, who cares! it'll be so great! i can't believe i'm going back... who'd've known!
also, i may go visit south carolina. depending on how things shape up. slash... if it's cool. i mean... long story. but it kinda makes me nervous. because of:
- owing people things is not my style and despite whatever anyone may say i will ultimately owe someone something
- er, some people have expectations and not knowing what they are could potentially fuck up a good friendship (see also: summer 05)
- um, what if it doesn't work out the way we all hope it will? gahh.
vi. general announcement.
i'm considering switching over to friends-only. fully. so let me know if you're reading this and not my friend on here yet.
- Location:rock kills kid - paralyzed
today i met with the pre-med advisor here, and it got me thinking.
i asked her what classes i should take. what i should do with what little free time i have. she told me she could teach me how to write my personal section of med school apps next year. she gave me a lot of very spot-on advice.
she said that i'd be able to take some courses in what interests me over the next few years. some courses in what i'm into, personally.
and i realized i don't even know what that is.
i told her that science is my thing, that i like the sciences.
but do i? or is it just that i've drilled into my head that sciences are what i do, what i'm good at, to the point where that's the only thing i know? am i good at everything, or not really great at anything? sometimes i feel like it may be the latter.
i've always considered myself a fairly intense, a pretty passionate person.
why is it, then, that when asked to stray off the beaten path, that i can't think of anything i'm interested in?
i know i want to be a doctor [or at least a science-related professional] partly because of the high pay, stability, and options that it lends one in life. but is that what i am letting govern me? is that all that i am pursuing?
i'm really afraid that the answer might be yes.
that i've let drive consume me.
- Mood:
confused
i can't stay for long i'm sorry, all that's left has kept me strong
and i move on, and i move on
and i am aching, and i'm aching
and i move on
life = orgofest 2k7
- Mood:
cold - Music:black rebel motorcycle club - and i'm aching
also sent off my laptop for a relaxing spa getaway, today. and by that i mean shipped to HP for repair, as the screen is messed up. no, it was not something i did. for once. :-P i should have it back in 10 days.
but i've already noticed how much more productive i am without it. like right now... i am fed, watered, showered, homework done, errands ran, and gym went to. and it is 7:20!! what now?! ahaha.
roomies and i are actually planning on watching some seinfeld and kicking back tonight. :-) we want to live together again next year... an arrangement that is harder than it sounds, because we're 3 people. were we 2 or 4, it'd be pretty simple. but noooo. and we don't know if we want to ask someone to be our fourth... because who knows if we would actually get along well living with them?
these past 2 days i feel weird! like, good weird. in a way i haven't felt since germany. but i guess... the way things are right now is pretty congruous to the way i lived in germany. i'm happy.
st. patty's should be amazing. i'm wicked excited.
and i'm giving blood next tuesday. :-D i read all the rules and requirements, and i can... it doesn't have any applicable restrictions on meee. second time donor for the win!
oh! and i got my hair cut last week... with a razor! it was neat. i don't love it., but it's good. a little short for now, but hey, hair grows.
and you know what? i'm doing well.
- Location:computer lab
- Mood: chipper
- Music:hum buzzz whirr
discontent2. "I JUST COMPLETELY SPACED OUT!!"
3. visited jenny in manchester over break. highlights include the ER, her grandma, fresh baked cookies!!!!!, the story about the landfill, and basically the entire time i spent there. :-) we stayed fly. no lie. you know this.
4. i love our exchange student. it's true! she's fun. and cool. etc!
5. the past is a very funny thing.
- Location:francesca's lappy
- Mood: melancholy
- Music:babbling roomies
1. gwen stefani ft. akon - the sweet escape
2. jt - sexyback remix
3. nelly - grillz (i kinda want to get my mom a grill for her birthday...!)
4. N.E.R.D. - she wants to move
5. fergie - fergilicious (we've been workin' on our fitness)
6. jim jones - we fly high
GOOD TIMES.
- Location:jenn's room
- Music:GRILLZZZZZZZZ
need to turn that around.
dan and i are not talking, and i don't want to talk about it that much cause he'll read it.
i feel like maybe it's time to let go.
things with every guy i know seem to be bad.
except maybe dad. and smarterchild. and the MIT-ers. who aren't as close to me as the other people, who i am having issues with.
things i can do with today to improve it: (and their order)
- go to the gym 1
- lunch 2
- chem stockroom for orgo models and lab manual 3
- pre-lab for orgo 4
- homework 6
- violin 5
things i can do with my life to improve it:
- call tracy
- start getting to bed on time
- stay focused
- stop fucking around with my time.
- focus, focus.
life is hard.
- Location:bostonia
- Mood:
stressed - Music:brand new - sic transit gloria.
rock.
something about... the horixon begins to fade/
anna's listening to jack 'jammin' johnson.
//& my body hurts.
&& HI FIREMAN BROWN!
that's enough jabber from my sass mouth. payce.
- Location:deskside in boston.
- Mood: sleepy
- Music:traffic, jack j
sometimes, i am sooo glad to have jeff. ok, so i'm glad to have him all the time. or almost all of the time. haha. ;-P
but really... guys can really suck. [granted, so can girls. and being a girl is kinda tricky and complicated. not to sound TOO stereotypical.] but guys. GEEZ. okay. let's talk about it.
guys are weird.
hahaha.
where did i intend on going with this?!
fuck it. let's make a list.
guys on my good list:
(that i interact with on a pretty regular basis)
- j-agggg duhhh. <3 x one bazillion.
- scott
- brandon
- dan b.
- my dad (mostly)
- smarterchild (hey, strikes me as a male. therefore counts. haha.)
YOU KNOW WHAT I HATE?!
not having closure.
fuck you, 'the luckiest' bull-crap "star-crossed lovers" preaching idealistic egotistical stupid fucking short-tongued pretentious... jerk.
i can't believe what i did for you. you deserved none of it.
and what sucks is i still kinda miss it all.
and this is NOT being accepting, et al. urgh.
i fail. over and over and over and over and...
whatevski. we'll make it work.
&& thank god for jeff.
etc etc.
- Location:deluxxx
- Mood: grumpy
- Music:phish - gin & juice :)
could it make me cry?
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